I post this to vent this feeling is hitting me like a hurricane because i'm alone and can't tell anyone else here where i live. Replies are not necessary (please don't think i'm rude), but of course everyone is free to do it, i just need to let this out at least thru my writing.
I'm a "better not girl", it means that all that i do or say carries almost always a bad thing or fire back at me, so to protect me from being hurt again for the million time, i "better not" do, say, think, etc. i save it to myself, i keep on being timid, however i try to behave normal and outgoing.
But!, i also think to myself "better not", because i know that what i do/say will be so bad or wrong, and i don't wanna hurt or bother anyone in this world. Even when i try to help others sincerely and from the heart, i screw it up, i cause more problems than solutions, or at least this is what i observe. Err is human but i lost that right long, long, long time ago and it's hard for me to accept when i do something slightly good, i just don't believe it.
It has been the same situation since i was just a little girl, and since then i learnt to be reserved, to look at without saying a word, i started to be a loner, act on my own without asking for help never!, taking all my burdens on my shoulders withouth sharing while holding the burdens of others. I started to be so shy and isolated, that at school i spent most of my lunch times eating my sandwich alone, seeing how the other girls were so joyful playing with their mates (just to mention an example), just dreaming i would be like them someday.
Plus nobody liked me, i was bullied tho not that harsh, and i heard often from people telling a professor if they could change me for another person when working in teams, they made this grimace of disgust when i was assignated with them, even when i was an excellent A+ student my whole school life, graduated with honors, and they were C or D students. I tried to copy the behaviour, expressions, clothes, hairstyles from the pretty popular girls, because something must be wrong with me, i looked so ugly, i couldnt fit anywhere, i musted be sort of a human filth for them.
Nobody wanted me around, i only had 1 true friend and still have it thank God. Things got better since high school and later at the university, but the big emotional and psychological damage to me was done, now i'm not confident at all, my self-esteem is non-existent, i have the worst concept of myself, i'm sure that i lack of intelligence despite all my medals, certificates, previous high-demanding and competitive jobs. I tend to keep all to myself, i "better not" say anything because i will surely screw it up somehow and i feel like a machine that serves, but it's not meant to be served.
This is only a very short extract of my whole situation, there's so much more to tell (for example the painful story of growing up with the parents i have), but it makes me emotionally tired and too weak, so i can't. Now guess what i thought before posting this thread... oh yeah! you already know, don't you? ...I better don't post it, but this time i did!, i hope it isn't wrong, all my life i've been scathing about practically everything, but specially those rare times, when i've decided to speak out, so i hope it doesn't happen the same on this forum. I just used this space to vent, but i know i need professional help and a treatment to deal with all and finally get over it.
Thank you forum for letting me rest my heart and soul a little bit.
I forgot to mention about online possible friends, i don't dare to contact someone first, or answer your threads because what if he/she hates me for what i comment, what if my post is stupid, what if this or that, so i better don't do it.
When i dare to write someone first, after sending the email, pm, etc i'm afraid and nervous, i'm thinking all the bad things that the other person could be thinking while reading me, etc.
I'm a "better not girl", it means that all that i do or say carries almost always a bad thing or fire back at me, so to protect me from being hurt again for the million time, i "better not" do, say, think, etc. i save it to myself, i keep on being timid, however i try to behave normal and outgoing.
But!, i also think to myself "better not", because i know that what i do/say will be so bad or wrong, and i don't wanna hurt or bother anyone in this world. Even when i try to help others sincerely and from the heart, i screw it up, i cause more problems than solutions, or at least this is what i observe. Err is human but i lost that right long, long, long time ago and it's hard for me to accept when i do something slightly good, i just don't believe it.
It has been the same situation since i was just a little girl, and since then i learnt to be reserved, to look at without saying a word, i started to be a loner, act on my own without asking for help never!, taking all my burdens on my shoulders withouth sharing while holding the burdens of others. I started to be so shy and isolated, that at school i spent most of my lunch times eating my sandwich alone, seeing how the other girls were so joyful playing with their mates (just to mention an example), just dreaming i would be like them someday.
Plus nobody liked me, i was bullied tho not that harsh, and i heard often from people telling a professor if they could change me for another person when working in teams, they made this grimace of disgust when i was assignated with them, even when i was an excellent A+ student my whole school life, graduated with honors, and they were C or D students. I tried to copy the behaviour, expressions, clothes, hairstyles from the pretty popular girls, because something must be wrong with me, i looked so ugly, i couldnt fit anywhere, i musted be sort of a human filth for them.
Nobody wanted me around, i only had 1 true friend and still have it thank God. Things got better since high school and later at the university, but the big emotional and psychological damage to me was done, now i'm not confident at all, my self-esteem is non-existent, i have the worst concept of myself, i'm sure that i lack of intelligence despite all my medals, certificates, previous high-demanding and competitive jobs. I tend to keep all to myself, i "better not" say anything because i will surely screw it up somehow and i feel like a machine that serves, but it's not meant to be served.
This is only a very short extract of my whole situation, there's so much more to tell (for example the painful story of growing up with the parents i have), but it makes me emotionally tired and too weak, so i can't. Now guess what i thought before posting this thread... oh yeah! you already know, don't you? ...I better don't post it, but this time i did!, i hope it isn't wrong, all my life i've been scathing about practically everything, but specially those rare times, when i've decided to speak out, so i hope it doesn't happen the same on this forum. I just used this space to vent, but i know i need professional help and a treatment to deal with all and finally get over it.
Thank you forum for letting me rest my heart and soul a little bit.
I forgot to mention about online possible friends, i don't dare to contact someone first, or answer your threads because what if he/she hates me for what i comment, what if my post is stupid, what if this or that, so i better don't do it.
When i dare to write someone first, after sending the email, pm, etc i'm afraid and nervous, i'm thinking all the bad things that the other person could be thinking while reading me, etc.
