Broken by fictitious love (X5 in a row)

[Isolationsist]

An introduction explaining my place in life is necessary for brevity of my situation. I have always been regarded as a person that is very driven, mature, creative, and passionate. This is reflected in my relationships by being spontaneous, loyal, and selfless. If there was ever anything I could possibly do to make my significant other happy, I would do it. This often meant spending time with them despite having homework or other responsibilities that had long term ramifications for incompletion. In short, I tried my absolute hardest to always be the best boyfriend I could possibly be. 

Over the last 4 years, I've "talked to" 5 girls, all of which used, manipulated, and exploited me. Thousands of dollars wasted, countless hours that have been cast into a blackhole, and a mind that has lost about 40% of its working capacity due to the stress and loneliness it has been subjected to are all end results of being involved with these relationships. But here is the real messed up part of the story: each and every one of them ended up leaving ME. Now, with some of them, I did threaten to leave because I felt that I was being used or manipulated, but I never was the one to break up with them. 


How can someone do such a horrendous thing to another sentient being? I seriously would love to hear opinions on why people behave so selfishly without regard to the consequences for the other person. I have yet to come up with a theory that explains this type of irrational behavior. 

 Also, If you've had this happen to you and are now over it, what did you do to get over it? I can't seem to stop dwelling on the past, wondering what I did to make them want to hurt me when all I ever wanted to do was make them happier than anyone else ever had.

Thank you for reading and taking the time to respond; it is much appreciated.

 

[constant stranger]

Five bad relationships in a row isn't a coincidence it's a pattern and one common denominator in all five is you. You think maybe you're making the same decisions over and over?

Getting over it comes with the passage of time, sorry there isn't an easier way.

And while you consider the past you might consider taking on a different role next time. Trying to make someone else happy is basically pushing your own agenda onto them. And it backfired five times in a row. Perhaps lightening up a bit on the countless hours and thousands of dollars thing....it's possible they didn't leave you as much as your conduct pushed them away.

I'm not saying I have a copyright on the truth here, it's just a thought. Then it's also possible you've been pursuing the same kind of lady five times in a row. Anyway it's time for a different plan.

 

[Xpendable]

Remember guys, it's always your fault.

 

[TheRealCallie]

How could someone do that? Well, the simplest way to explain it is that you let them do those things to you.
Is it completely your fault....no, but some of it is. It kind of sounds like you let it happen because you want to be in a relationship. There is such a thing as being TOO selfless. You have to be selfish, to an extent because otherwise, you aren't taking care of yourself, which is how you typically end up being used and manipulated.

At the risk of being harassed by certain members (again), you need to work on yourself. You need to learn how to take care of yourself when you are in a relationship, whether it's a platonic one or a romantic one. It's not all about everyone else and how much you can help them. You have to realize that you have to help yourself too. Don't let yourself be pushed around.

 

[Isolationsist]

All of your replies have helped me realize that it truly is my fault. I had convinced myself that they were all coincidences, but now that I reflect on the situations, I realize that being desperate to be in a relationship caused me to act in a way that attracts those that are "users." I will be more cognizant of my actions, and what they say about my mindset, in the future.

You guys helped me finally understand why all of those situations happened. Thanks for the much needed disillusionment.

 

[AmyTheTemperamental]

"with some of them, I did threaten to leave because I felt that I was being used or manipulated, but I never was the one to break up with them. "

When you threaten manipulative people, you leave yourself open for more manipulation. Don't threaten; just act. I urge you to take some time to really think about those relationships, and how you would want future ones to be different. I also recommend research into gaslighting, scam artists, and codependency.

You don't have to put up with this **** from people. Even if you are desperate, have enough respect for yourself and time (these things can't be replaced) to say no. Give yourself some proper time to heal.

 

[Xpendable]

How it is your fault if you didn't help to create those people? You may have fallen into that but what is the reason those people exists?

 

[Isolationsist]

AmyTheTemperamental: I do see how threatening those people only opened the door for them to manipulate me more. I will look into those subjects after I am finished taking my final exams for the year. A quick google of "gaslighting" made me realize that I have fallen victim to that technique a few times. But I'll give myself time to heal; I have no choice, really.

Xpendable: I do agree that I did nothing wrong to those people, but I also think that the ignorance of my actions is what allowed me to be played. I still have yet to understand the psyche of someone that is capable of doing such horrendous things to the people that will do anything in the world for them.

 

[kaetic]

Because in any relationship there are two people making choices, not just one. He recognized what was going on with some of them and stayed in those relationships anyway. Also, five girls in four years and all of them users... does suggest he has a type.

They are saying that he needs to take care of himself better, that he should value himself more. I was in a similar situation. It wasn't a romantic relationship, it was a family member and a close friend. They used me until I finally had enough and said no. And I let them up to that point, because I was afraid of what would happen when I said no. I knew they only "cared" about me so long as they were getting what they wanted. It was my fault for letting them, but it wasn't my fault that they were selfish enough to do it in the first place. It's the same for him, no one is excusing what these girls have done. It is selfish and awful to treat another person like that.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I still have yet to understand the psyche of someone that is capable of doing such horrendous things to the people that will do anything in the world for them.

Be thankful you don't understand it.  But, in the end, it's not about them and what they did or even why. Some people just use others to get what they want.   It's about what you do with these situations.  You can learn from them, learn how to take care of yourself, learn how to see the signs and the red flags of it and you can learn to not let people use you. 
I agree with Amy about those terms.  Though, maybe focus more on codependency, because that's likely what will help you the most.  And like Kaetic was getting at, learn how to say no.  If they really care about you, that no won't matter to them other than maybe a little bit of disappointment at first.

 

[Isolationsist]

Kaetic, I think you are completely right. Though repression was a huge part of the reason I stayed, I was indeed conscious that I should've been treated better and still choose to stay. But in the moment, I was convinced that they truly "loved" me. As they say, "love can blind you."

TheRealCallie, Yes, Learning is all that I can logically do with these situations. But, I do have to comment on the codependency subject. While I am not well informed about this disorder and make the following comments based on extrapolations, If I were codependent, then I believe that I would actively seek relationships to validate my self-importance. All of the girls mentioned were the ones to initiate the relationship. I never went after them. I believe my actions are rooted in the natural human instinct to be a social creature. I could be completely wrong, and I'm not denying the possibility of having this disorder, I would just like to point out the fact that I don't have any real friends or strong social connections, which I believe are the impetuses behind my actions.

 

[Grandclam]

Sounds like most everything has already been said.

I also think that love is not only felt differently but interpreted VERY differently by people. I think certain people interpret love through romance, dizzying highs and lows and emotional rushes (especially the ones associated with new relationships or encounters). People like that can have a tendency to do what they do, get bored and move on to the next thing with no regrets or sympathy because in their mind the love or closeness or whatever is gone.

And in total opinion of mine, people are animals and living is selfishness. Being nice or caring is seen a weapon or tool, being genuinely nice is seen as weakness or opportunity. 
I don't think that partners taking advantage of you for putting 100% into a relationship is reserved for only just abusers. I feel that if you treat any SO or person too well (or for too long) that they will lose quite a bit of respect for you on a subconscious level, whether they are aware of it or not they will perceive you as being lesser in the pecking order which will dictate their future behavior towards you and the more and more they find they are able to get away with the worse it will get.

 

[ardour]

It's normal to let a certain amount of disrespect slide for the sake of not overreacting and endangering a relationship, but as others pointed out you have a pattern of getting treated like this.

Aside from a lack of spine you're probably not completely blameless with regard to your own behaviour either. We all have unlikeable sides, and if we're inexperienced so that this doesn't get to be worked on. These women would no doubt have valid sounding reasons for doing what they did, people would probably nod in agreement if they heard them and comdemn you in the process. I imagine they just abruptly cut you off with barely any warning, correct? Well, that tells you enough.

 

[TheSkaFish]

If there was ever anything I could possibly do to make my significant other happy, I would do it. This often meant spending time with them despite having homework or other responsibilities that had long term ramifications for incompletion. In short, I tried my absolute hardest to always be the best boyfriend I could possibly be. 

First, a little disclaimer - I've never been in a relationship so feel free to take what I say with a grain of salt.  But I've read a lot about this, and I've had a similar situation.  I used to think similarly, that I should try to make the ones I liked happy.  And like you, there have been a few times when I stayed up for hours talking to a girl I liked when I should have been doing homework instead.  I like warmth and affection, and I assumed that others would too, especially if they've been given the cold shoulder a lot in life.  I wanted to show that I wasn't like the "cool", indifferent guys, that I was different.  Plus I genuinely liked their company.  But I think that's the problem.  You shouldn't try too hard to make someone else happy, especially in the initial stages.  And you definitely shouldn't make it obvious that you're trying hard, or put their happiness ahead of homework, responsibilities, or other important things for yourself.

Over the last 4 years, I've "talked to" 5 girls, all of which used, manipulated, and exploited me. Thousands of dollars wasted, countless hours that have been cast into a blackhole, and a mind that has lost about 40% of its working capacity due to the stress and loneliness it has been subjected to are all end results of being involved with these relationships.

Yeah this is another thing I've read a lot about - you shouldn't spend too much money or spend too much time on a girl you like if you aren't dating her yet.  It seems more like having a friend, but one that you have to impress - without looking like you're trying to impress them because you're supposed to do it just by being how you are, unconsciously.  You shouldn't give yourself away too easily.  I know this can seem weird, counter-intuitive, and hard - it is for me too because I really want warmth and affection.  But, it seems to be the "rules" so to speak.  People appreciate things they have to work hard for, more than things they are just given.  Don't make her feel like she can say "jump!" and you'll say "how high?"

How can someone do such a horrendous thing to another sentient being? I seriously would love to hear opinions on why people behave so selfishly without regard to the consequences for the other person. I have yet to come up with a theory that explains this type of irrational behavior. 

 Also, If you've had this happen to you and are now over it, what did you do to get over it?

...wondering what I did to make them want to hurt me when all I ever wanted to do was make them happier than anyone else ever had.

I feel like the answer is, because they lost respect for you and started seeing you as below them instead of seeing you as an equal.  I'm not saying you're not a respectable person.  But that's what seems to happen a lot if a guy tries to be too nice to a girl before a relationship is established.  I guess they feel like it's just supposed to "work" like magic, automatically, because you're supposed to just randomly have the traits she's looking for instead of feeling like you're trying to buy the relationship with things.  And it shows that you are valuing them more than yourself, so it gets them drunk on their own ego.  You never want to make a girl feel like she's better than you, or come off as slavish to her.  I'm not saying be mean either, I'm totally against dominance and feel like it belongs in the past.  But just don't be subservient.  Don't make her feel like she's got you wrapped around her finger.

It's weird.  It weirds me out too.  A lot of people are ****** and backwards, and look at life as a series of hierarchies and power games.  I don't, I like warmth and I dislike hierarchies, so it seems crazy to me.  But this seems to be the way most people are wired.  

It kind of sounds like you let it happen because you want to be in a relationship.  There is such a thing as being TOO selfless.  You have to be selfish, to an extent because otherwise, you aren't taking care of yourself, which is how you typically end up being used and manipulated.  

That sounds like me as well.  I wanted to be in a relationship so badly I let down my guard.  I didn't even know I needed to keep it up.  I also naively assumed some people wanted the same things I did.  

At the risk of being harassed by certain members (again), you need to work on yourself.  You need to learn how to take care of yourself when you are in a relationship, whether it's a platonic one or a romantic one.  It's not all about everyone else and how much you can help them.  You have to realize that you have to help yourself too.  Don't let yourself be pushed around.

No harassment from me.  We may not always agree but...let's just say I've seen worse, lol.  And "don't let yourself be pushed around" is good advice that I myself wish I took to heart a long time ago.

Sounds like most everything has already been said.

I also think that love is not only felt differently but interpreted VERY differently by people. I think certain people interpret love through romance, dizzying highs and lows and emotional rushes (especially the ones associated with new relationships or encounters). People like that can have a tendency to do what they do, get bored and move on to the next thing with no regrets or sympathy because in their mind the love or closeness or whatever is gone.

And in total opinion of mine, people are animals and living is selfishness. Being nice or caring is seen a weapon or tool, being genuinely nice is seen as weakness or opportunity. 
I don't think that partners taking advantage of you for putting 100% into a relationship is reserved for only just abusers. I feel that if you treat any SO or person too well (or for too long) that they will lose quite a bit of respect for you on a subconscious level, whether they are aware of it or not they will perceive you as being lesser in the pecking order which will dictate their future behavior towards you and the more and more they find they are able to get away with the worse it will get.

Agreed with the highlighted parts.  I feel like the idea that different people interpret love differently, is a mistake that's very easy to miss.  I know I have.  And it's been my experience that we're not as evolved as we want to think we are.  Some people are nice and warm, and I feel like those are the more advanced people because they are showing the ability and desire to see beyond survival of the fittest.  But some people are cold and almost more primitive, more law of the jungle types.  Those are the ones that see niceness as weakness or opportunity, like you said, and view people they feel are "too nice" as weaker and therefore lower in the pecking order.  I really can't stand that mindset and I would have expected us to have outgrown it by now, but there still seem to be a lot more of them than one might think.

 

[ardour]

I feel like the answer is, because they lost respect for you and started seeing you as below them instead of seeing you as an equal.

This. They may not have gone into with the intention of mistreating you but as soon as the respect was lost you/it no longer mattered to them.

 

[Isolationsist]

I didn't realize how poorly I explained myself in the original post. Let me clarify.

Firstly, I was not complaining about people leaving me. I understand the concept of incompatibly, change of plans/ personality, or the occasional manipulator. What I was confused/angry about is being manipulating and used for the things I can do forgive them five times in a row. 

One told me that she loved me with all of her heart and would never want to be with anyone else. After three weeks of using me, I was suspicious that she was in another relationship and questioned her. She left immediately. I did some research, and she was actually engaged and got married a month later. (The husband worked out of town) 

Another cheated on me with my best friend for almost the entirety of our relationship. She started discussing engagement, and less than a week later, I found out all of her dirty secrets (Pictures were included.) I told her that I just wanted to know why, and that we could potentially work things out. She told me she wanted to leave me, and I calmly told her that I understand and that I appreciate her telling me right away instead of letting me hang on to the thread of hope I had for our relationship. 

The last one was cheating on me with her best friend, who was also a female (I didn't know she was bi, either,), and when I discovered this and confronted her, she proclaimed that she'd stop, so I forgave her. A month later I realize that she was talking to another guy, thanks to one of my friends who was coincidentally friends with this guy, and when I confronted her this time, she stormed out of my house and we never bothered to contact each other again. 

One I talked to for a month and dated for a week, claiming that I was the best boyfriend she'd ever had, and then one day I woke up with my wallet stolen and her gone. After trying to call her and getting the "this number has been disconnected. goodbye." message, I never tried calling again. People that I know that know her have talked to her and she claimed that she "broke up with me and never would take my wallet." It's weird that she bought a new phone the week after my wallet (that had inside [font=Roboto, arial, sans-serif]enough money to buy the phone[/font]) disappeared. Once I pointed that out to those people, I hear that they haven't talked to her since. 

The other person I don't even want to talk about. 

Did I disillusion anyone?

To anyone that is interested, I am clear-headed now and not upset or angry.

To those out there who have been in my situation, please, learn to say no, value yourself, and don't let "love," or the thought of obtaining it, strip you of all your logic. 


Thanks for reading.

 

[M_also_lonely]

How can someone do such a horrendous thing to another sentient being? I seriously would love to hear opinions on why people behave so selfishly without regard to the consequences for the other person. I have yet to come up with a theory that explains this type of irrational behavior. 

"She'll never love you. Its just your turn."

~that anonymous monkey

 Also, If you've had this happen to you and are now over it, what did you do to get over it?

For me things were different. I was never in a true relationship I would say. But I have been in love several times. All one sided, but also unexpressed. My love stories began and ended in my heart.

How to get over it, well, that can't be said. It is a secret. Not that it should be hidden. But that it can't be said. Endless articles, thousands of advice, millions of books.
I bet that you could absorb all that but still not get out of the problem. 
Maybe because the secret is in the wordlessness of that experience. 

The 'getting over it' happens. It is a happening. The time duration is unknown, how to do it is unknown. But it happens. It happened. Suddenly there's liberation. Freedom. Maybe one needs to prepare for it. Not from the mind. That would be called 'will'. This is not will. Will is shallow. It is exhausted quickly. 
This is something different. Maybe a tendency of the heart to liberate. It feels like, you're unlocking the chains that you've been covered with. It feels much lighter. And then, you are not burdened by that. 
But how to do that, I don't know.

wondering what I did to make them want to hurt me when all I ever wanted to do was make them happier than anyone else ever had.

THIS IS WRONG!!! CHANGE THIS!
If you did these without any expectations, then you shouldn't expect something in return. If you can't do that, don't give. Keep it with you, savor it on your own. Otherwise, there is high likelihood that you'll be disappointed.