But he's married?...

[TheRealCallie]

The issue is I really truly don't wanna steal him, I don't want him for myself at all, its not like that.
And im just not sure what I'd be guilty of... i'm not exactly having an affair since I'm single as a Pringle...
If he wants to be unfaithful to his wife, isn't that his choice? I do things I shouldn't, but deep down the thing I need most is some help, he helps me.

Your excuses are getting weaker and weaker. Sorry, but they are. Pretty damn sure it takes TWO to cheat and since you know he's married, your relationship status is irrelevant. YOU are allowing him to cheat on his wife. And it also doesn't matter if there's actual sex involved, it's still cheating.
Also, he's not helping you, he's enabling you, which is actually the opposite of helping. In addition to that, you are using him for an ego boost and the fact that your "friend" could be completely destroyed by this seems to have no impact on you.

You're right that I started it, but I think he should stop it as I dont feel able to, it's his marriage to protect I just feel overwhelmed by my mental health at the moment, how I feel about myself, I'm not sure how easy his shoulder is for me to give up right now.

It's YOUR friendships to protect. Do you not care at all that you could lose both of them because you are being selfish? What will that do for your mental health? As I said, he's not helping you, he's enabling you.
Do what you want, but I can pretty much guarantee you that this will end badly.

 

[ewomack]

The issue is I really truly don't wanna steal him, I don't want him for myself at all, its not like that.
And im just not sure what I'd be guilty of... i'm not exactly having an affair since I'm single as a Pringle...
If he wants to be unfaithful to his wife, isn't that his choice? I do things I shouldn't, but deep down the thing I need most is some help, he helps me.

That makes it worse. It's honestly hard to not interpret that entire passage as "I'm using him and I know it." You have no designs on him, yet you dress "provocatively" around him and sit in his lap. On top of that, he's told you directly not to do some of that. So you're doing all of this and you don't even have designs on him? That sounds like you're just using him selfishly. Please tell me that I'm wrong. I think you'll have a hard time convincing me that I'm not.

You can think being single absolves you from any responsibility, but that is really an inconsiderate and selfish position to take. What would happen if his wife walked in on you sitting on his lap? What if it happened more than once? Does his wife see you prancing around in your "cute" pj's and flirting with him? Or is she away often? Your actions, whether you're single or not, could have drastic implications for someone else's marriage. If your actions led to a rift or a split with his wife, you are just as responsible as him. You are already complicit. Whether you see it that way or not, I can guarantee you that many others would see it that way. You are arguably the instigator of this situation. I don't know him at all, of course, but I also agree that he should have sent you packing at this point. I would have thrown you out a long time ago, no matter how attractive I found you (beauty never makes up for a wretched personality - some people learn this the hard way).

Honestly, given everything you've said and your reactions to them, you don't come out looking very good in this situation. Granted, I don't know you personally and I don't know the other people involved, but, just going off what you've written here, I have a hard time not thinking that you're selfishly using someone and pulling them into a potentially compromising situation only for your own selfish ends. It's hard to have much respect for someone who would do that to another person, especially when fully aware, as you seem to be. He does share some guilt as well because, according to you, he hasn't stopped it and he lets you sit in his lap. In the end, you are both prolonging a potentially nasty situation. Based on what I've read, it's very hard to have sympathy for anyone involved, except for his wife. Either one of you can stop this at any time, and that includes you. Be responsible, considerate, a good friend and a good human being by STOPPING.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Sorry guys, I'm venting a little, working out my feelings that feel so complex to me, but pretty much sum up "you're selfish" the more I try to work them out. I probably am. Im no angel I'm the first one to admit that but i'm no devil either, just confused.

Your excuses are getting weaker and weaker. Sorry, but they are. Pretty damn sure it takes TWO to cheat and since you know he's married, your relationship status is irrelevant. YOU are allowing him to cheat on his wife. And it also doesn't matter if there's actual sex involved, it's still cheating.
Also, he's not helping you, he's enabling you, which is actually the opposite of helping. In addition to that, you are using him for an ego boost and the fact that your "friend" could be completely destroyed by this seems to have no impact on you.

The truth is, I am impacted, I don't like who I'm being, and in honesty I blame myself because I started this, now I feel like I'm sort of stuck in it. I wanna say, "oh no... I dont need him, he's not the only positive thing I have going for me right now", but it's not true, so it's hard to balance the emotions... It's hard to go back to friends now a line has been crossed.

You can think being single absolves you from any responsibility, but that is really an inconsiderate and selfish position to take. What would happen if his wife walked in on you sitting on his lap? What if it happened more than once? Does his wife see you prancing around in your "cute" pj's and flirting with him? Or is she away often? Your actions, whether you're single or not, could have drastic implications for someone else's marriage. If your actions led to a rift or a split with his wife, you are just as responsible as him. You are already complicit. Whether you see it that way or not, I can guarantee you that many others would see it that way. You are arguably the instigator of this situation. I don't know him at all, of course, but I also agree that he should have sent you packing at this point. I would have thrown you out a long time ago, no matter how attractive I found you (beauty never makes up for a wretched personality - some people learn this the hard way).

I think in some ways, being single helps me to feel less guilty about what I am doing, my friends support me and kind of just make it a "him problem" which can be comforting. His wife is mostly asleep/resting, she gets tired a lot, thats why I cook and stuff, I dress respectful around her even though she likes it when I wear something fashionable, she's honestly a good person and hurting her has never been a motive of mine.

Honestly, given everything you've said and your reactions to them, you don't come out looking very good in this situation. Granted, I don't know you personally and I don't know the other people involved, but, just going off what you've written here, I have a hard time not thinking that you're selfishly using someone and pulling them into a potentially compromising situation only for your own selfish ends. It's hard to have much respect for someone who would do that to another person, especially when fully aware, as you seem to be. He does share some guilt as well because, according to you, he hasn't stopped it and he lets you sit in his lap. In the end, you are both prolonging a potentially nasty situation. Based on what I've read, it's very hard to have sympathy for anyone involved, except for his wife. Either one of you can stop this at any time, and that includes you. Be responsible, considerate, a good friend and a good human being by STOPPING.

I understand I look awful, I feel awful too, I've tried to take full/all responsibility for everything, because it is my fault, but I tried to put some context that I really have nothing. I have no family, no self respect, no nothing. I remembered my log in to this, and a membership I never really used and said hey it's now or never, start chatting to people online and try to lean on him a little less before things get too crazy.

 

[littlefish555]

I'm just going to chime in briefly and I haven't read this whole thread through, but wanted to say that as self-realized as you sound in your iterations of the situation Cenotaph with the married guy, after a major trauma, I don't think there's any way you can be. I think post trauma it's very possible you're in kind of a fugue state. For however long, it depends on your process. Not forever though.

I totally get how you're getting reamed for your 'choices,' but in my opinion you're getting preyed upon by married dude because of your vulnerability. He's bored, you're hot, there, and have no boundaries. Like Callie said earlier I'm betting too there's some element of a sense of control you're benefiting from- even if it's a bad choice it's still your choice, etc etc. If he falls in love with you and you don't love him that way, you're in trouble. If you get caught, you're in trouble. If he gets left and taken for all his $$ or his kids... that's mostly on him but he'll be there trying to sleep on your couch or marry you then. Are any of these choices something you're ready for, or are you just careening?

I personally totally get it, but want to be a voice of reason. I vote you find a sweet, safe, available, nice person to be your next friend or lover for when this whole thing blows up, it will unless you walk away like totally out of their lives. Are you living with them? Do you have somewhere else you could crash?

I support people living their own journeys however, but do hope you take some time to consider if you might be in an actual post traumatic period of your life. Your choices are going to be weird and not always expeditious to healing. I am not trying to be portending anything for you, but I feel like I can almost guarantee you these actions are going to end up in strife, and even if you are just playing out some part in their karma as a couple, there are still most likely still going to be unpleasant ramifications for YOU. I hope you manifest an actual safe healthy space for yourself in the near future, where you can just chill for a minute. All morals aside I hope there is a sunrise of self-care that you can see to avoid the married drama as quickly as you can. Maybe he feels safe for whatever reason now, but I think you could also focus on healing and could open your heart for someone who makes you feel the same who is actually free to love, if and whenever you're ready.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I'm just going to chime in briefly and I haven't read this whole thread through, but wanted to say that as self-realized as you sound in your iterations of the situation Cenotaph with the married guy, after a major trauma, I don't think there's any way you can be. I think post trauma it's very possible you're in kind of a fugue state. For however long, it depends on your process. Not forever though.

I totally get how you're getting reamed for your 'choices,' but in my opinion you're getting preyed upon by married dude because of your vulnerability. He's bored, you're hot, there, and have no boundaries. Like Callie said earlier I'm betting too there's some element of a sense of control you're benefiting from- even if it's a bad choice it's still your choice, etc etc. If he falls in love with you and you don't love him that way, you're in trouble. If you get caught, you're in trouble. If he gets left and taken for all his $$ or his kids... that's mostly on him but he'll be there trying to sleep on your couch or marry you then. Are any of these choices something you're ready for, or are you just careening?

I personally totally get it, but want to be a voice of reason. I vote you find a sweet, safe, available, nice person to be your next friend or lover for when this whole thing blows up, it will unless you walk away like totally out of their lives. Are you living with them? Do you have somewhere else you could crash?

I support people living their own journeys however, but do hope you take some time to consider if you might be in an actual post traumatic period of your life. Your choices are going to be weird and not always expeditious to healing. I am not trying to be portending anything for you, but I feel like I can almost guarantee you these actions are going to end up in strife, and even if you are just playing out some part in their karma as a couple, there are still most likely still going to be unpleasant ramifications for YOU. I hope you manifest an actual safe healthy space for yourself in the near future, where you can just chill for a minute. All morals aside I hope there is a sunrise of self-care that you can see to avoid the married drama as quickly as you can. Maybe he feels safe for whatever reason now, but I think you could also focus on healing and could open your heart for someone who makes you feel the same who is actually free to love, if and whenever you're ready.

I, just, thank you.

Honestly this all started after the attack and my dads passing, I had a huge fight with my sister as it was a covid 15 ppl funeral and well tensions were high and my adoption was brought up. I haven't spoken with her since so I stayed with this couple that I have known forever. Honestly, I was confused and crying a lot so I was given a shoulder. I started this weird outfit wearing thing because I just wanted to see if im good looking, I don't feel it anymore, to other people thats pathetic and shallow to me.. it's the way back to my dream career, call me what you will... it's important to me.

He didn't take long to notice my weird little selfish game and took me on a drive and asked me to stop, like a normal person I should have and I did for a little while. I was cooking a week or so after the drive in what I consider normal pjs and he noticed something about my body that he liked and compared it to his wife's (I dont wanna get too graphic). I felt like brining that up is like im passing the blame, so I didn't really want to. I will be honest, after that comment, I just had this compulsion to compete with his wife in some ways, to get his attention at all costs. Because I finally felt "better looking". The more I did the further it went and im at this point where im scared, because I dont recognise myself in these actions, it's almost like im too reliant on him. I honestly wanna say I'll stop, but I feel that its just not that simple for me.

I live with them pretty much part time, im not good on my own, I have my own place but I barely go there, when I'm there im just so afraid that I end up needing a friend to stay with me. I dont have many only 3 friends.

My therapist says im suffering with PTSD, Depression, BDD and my neurologist noticed a swollen gland on my brain after a MRI and gave me medication that can make you "impulsive". These are the excuses I leave out because im angry with myself, and there's the whole truth.

 

[Finished]

pjs

What color are they? How well do they conform to your body? Does your belly show? Are you wearing High Heels with them? Please further describe your PJS so we can understand the situation better and provide futher help. Thank you. Ha! ha!

 

[CenotaphGirl]

What color are they? How well do they conform to your body? Does your belly show? Are you wearing High Heels with them? Please further describe your PJS so we can understand the situation better and provide futher help. Thank you. Ha! ha!

lolz you are... impossible

 

[ewomack]

You added some information that none of us could have known about. All of my comments have been based on what you've typed so far, which read more like you were instigating the situation (and there is no way for me to know, in reality or objectively, whether you did or didn't). That is why I was a little harsher than I would normally be. I don't think that you're a bad person, just to be clear, but you're in a bad situation. The comments you described about him making statements about your body make him seem more like he might have a sexual stake in this. You do still seem to be enabling him, as others have said, but I just want to change my statement to: this relationship needs to change, as it will give you nothing and likely lead you into a horrible situation. You don't need his validation nor to play any of these games. You're better than this. Your relationship with this man is not a healthy one as you describe it, despite who started it or who continues it. You need to get away from it, or at least change the rules. Can you see his wife alone? It sounds like you two have a friendship that's worth preserving.

You did a good and courageous thing by posting your story here, but the disadvantage is that we don't know you personally, so all we have to go on are your messages, which may depict you in an unflattering light because you're not currently feeling positive about yourself. Can you lean on any of your other friends? Can you make your own place a more secure and comfortable place to be? Could you tolerate spending some time alone to reflect and recover? It sounds more and more like you need some space for yourself for awhile.

If you can't get out of the situation with this couple, then try to reframe it. Stop wearing the PJs, stop sitting in his lap and don't allow him to make any more comments about your body. If he does, remind him that he's married, that you value his wife's friendship, and try to avoid being alone with him going forward. If he resists or complains about any of this, then you probably need to flee altogether. It sounds like it's still not too late to rectify things before lines get crossed.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

You added some information that none of us could have known about. All of my comments have been based on what you've typed so far, which read more like you were instigating the situation (and there is no way for me to know, in reality or objectively, whether you did or didn't). That is why I was a little harsher than I would normally be. I don't think that you're a bad person, just to be clear, but you're in a bad situation. The comments you described about him making statements about your body make him seem more like he might have a sexual stake in this. You do still seem to be enabling him, as others have said, but I just want to change my statement to: this relationship needs to change, as it will give you nothing and likely lead you into a horrible situation. You don't need his validation nor to play any of these games. You're better than this. Your relationship with this man is not a healthy one as you describe it, despite who started it or who continues it. You need to get away from it, or at least change the rules. Can you see his wife alone? It sounds like you two have a friendship that's worth preserving.

You did a good and courageous thing by posting your story here, but the disadvantage is that we don't know you personally, so all we have to go on are your messages, which may depict you in an unflattering light because you're not currently feeling positive about yourself. Can you lean on any of your other friends? Can you make your own place a more secure and comfortable place to be? Could you tolerate spending some time alone to reflect and recover? It sounds more and more like you need some space for yourself for awhile.

If you can't get out of the situation with this couple, then try to reframe it. Stop wearing the PJs, stop sitting in his lap and don't allow him to make any more comments about your body. If he does, remind him that he's married, that you value his wife's friendship, and try to avoid being alone with him going forward. If he resists or complains about any of this, then you probably need to flee altogether. It sounds like it's still not too late to rectify things before lines get crossed.

Honestly I feel so privileged that any of you take the time to read my ramblings and rants. I understand I probably was painting a very skewed picture and I think that honestly, I need to change. I'm going through a tough time, I can admit that, but if I start letting it hurt others, I'm being super toxic, and thats just the facts.

I'm having decorators come to my place, and changing the front door, I'm gonna see if my friend thats pregnant wants to spend her maternity leave buddying up with me, she's off from April, so maybe that would be a good idea.

I honestly joined here to try and get away from isolation and chat to everyone, I already feel so at home. I'm gonna try to push feelings aside and do what's right.

 

[Colster]

Just putting it out there.

 

[Finished]

lolz you are... impossible

Thank you. I love you too. That's what I'm reading into that anyway. Just remember you said it first. Ha! ha!

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Just putting it out there.

Lolz this made me spit out my peach lemonade

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Thank you. I love you too. That's what I'm reading into that anyway. Just remember you said it first. Ha! ha!

Love me as a boring friend...in this cruel friend zone of yours

 

[Finished]

Love me as a boring friend...in this cruel friend zone of yours

Love is love. Well, after seeing the picture you posted I've been thinking about upgrading the friend zone status.

 

[HelloNewman]

Whilst during my decade's long and only marriage, I had women who offered themselves to me. My marriage was just the best and I would stop the advances - but aroused of them.

Males are more likely than Females to stray. I've been on many a men's weekend trips to see my married mates chatting up women and succeeding.

Over the trips where I was the organiser, I'd allocate the stupid married males to motel/hotel rooms where us non-strayers could get a night's sleep.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Whilst during my decade's long and only marriage, I had women who offered themselves to me. My marriage was just the best and I would stop the advances - but aroused of them.

Males are more likely than Females to stray. I've been on many a men's weekend trips to see my married mates chatting up women and succeeding.

Over the trips where I was the organiser, I'd allocate the stupid married males to motel/hotel rooms where us non-strayers could get a night's sleep.

Do you think she would have forgiven you?... if you ever stepped out?

 

[HelloNewman]

Do you think she would have forgiven you?... if you ever stepped out?

One great pact my wife and I had was that if we strayed then we would tell each other ASAP. We knew of the challenges. For us, we had a pass card to stray. The pact we had eased my way of being tempted. We shared the "come-ons" and that mostly led to a romantic evening between us.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

One great pact my wife and I had was that if we strayed then we would tell each other ASAP. We knew of the challenges. For us, we had a pass card to stray. The pact we had eased my way of being tempted. We shared the "come-ons" and that mostly led to a romantic evening between us.

How bloody romantic

 

[ardour]

Oh boy...this is beyond my pay grade. You've gotten good responses. Sorry to read about your father. Hopefully you'll find a healthier way to deal with the trauma before things get permanently ruined here.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Oh boy...this is beyond my pay grade. You've gotten good responses. Sorry to read about your father. Hopefully you'll find a healthier way to deal with the trauma before things get permanently ruined here.

Awh yeah its over with now, I'm back with my ex and leaving mr married well alone But thanks, it was deffo not my best moment.