I've been in love. I've been loved. Things didn't work out.
I think what is very hard, not impossible but ever increasingly unlikely, is to have a relationship that lasts a lifetime. Reason? Societal expectations.
Had my parents, who celebrated their 50th before they passed away, expected to live the happily ever after lifestyle or just give up and get divorced, they'd have been divorced. Fortunately for me, I came twenty years after they were married, they dealt with hard times and not being perfect for each other and kept going.
Had my first wife, whose parents dang near hit their 50th before one passed away, expected to live that same happily ever after myth or just give up and get divorced, they'd have been divorced.
My first wife and I, who lasted 23 years, and that through raising a child with severe special needs which the end result is marriages in the same situation END over 70% of the time...had we stayed away from the myth of perfection, I think we'd still be married.
But somebody, and it wasn't me, decided they weren't in perfect love in a perfect life and I'll never forget what my soon to be ex whispered under her breath when I took a new job and I replied to her what my salary would be. "That's not good enough." She was measuring me, considering if after that much time she'd reached a point where she could do better on her own?
And the separation, upon her demand, came less than 30 days after I heard that whispered judgement of my value to her.
Less than a year later, we were divorced, our child was in assisted living, and our two cats had been taken back to the kill shelter where we had rescued them.
I admit to carrying the weight of being destroyed financially and mentally in the divorce and was, and still am, in no position to have intervened for the others affected. In fact it was the eruption of my struggles with mental disorders, hardest to deal with being Severe Agoraphobia with Panic Disorder. Honestly I was beaten and dang near ready to take a long swim in one direction until I could swim no more.
That was almost 15 years ago. And I'll tell you my decision making ability was destroyed, as was my skill at dealing with other people. I made a horrible choice and married again...a marriage I escaped from myself. But to get free I gave up everything of value I'd managed to build up in a few years. I got on a revolving turret, get knocked down, get back up, get knocked down.
Only in the last couple of years, thanks to professional help, caring blood relations, and some weird ability I have to get up each day wondering what happens if I give it a go one more time...have I finally ended up having a decent life.
Minus a close relationship. Completely alone. I'd be accurate to say that other than getting groceries..which I avoid going around crowds..that in a thirty day month I am completely cut off from anyone 28 of those days. I just about might as well be on a deserted island where a ship drops off supplies once a week. Just about.
But in this long diatribe of loss, I know I could still love and be loved. And for all my issues I still know that there are many neat things about me. But what I don't think I can overcome, is this media fed Happily Ever After myth that people in love expect to have throughout their lives...and my fear that being far less than perfect, I can not live up to anyone's expectations.
