Connecting with someone who is shy

[Sinaia2012]

Hey .. forgive me, that subject line is a bit vague. Looking for some serious advice here, perspectives that I may not or even cannot have. I need an education in shyness because I'm thinking it goes a lot deeper sometimes, than being a little quiet when you first meet someone new.

I myself am not shy .. but a very dear friend of mine is. We met 3 years ago, online and, it was a very casual friendship .. talked every so often on skype but not a lot. Then one day, we crossed over, talking about some real serious, "life" stuff. Since then, we've talked almost every day. We became very close friends. I got a little closer than she did though .. and I found myself falling for her. Last year we agreed to meet. As it was a great distance, it took a lot of effort to make it happen but, we did it. The moment we met was electric .. neither of us had met anyone in person, that we had first met online. She had told me a long time ago that she is shy and for the first day, I could see it and, I thought it was cute. But as the time went on, things got worse. Only now, several months after, am I seeing that shyness can vary in degrees and I wonder if it may be at least partially responsible for what happened.

I didn't put it together while I was there .. not until the other night actually. But thinking back, whenever we were in public, on the train, out with friends, when I met her mom, etc... everything was fine. She was the person I knew online, talkative, fun, flirty, a ton of laughs. But anytime we were alone together, she got really quiet. She would sit on the couch and watch TV .. didn't want to do anything. I tried to get her interested in things .. going for a walk, etc. but she said she wasn't in the mood. At one point I got upset .. that I had come so far to see her and all she wanted to do was sit and watch TV. I could see in her face that she was upset .. like she wanted to say something .. but her lips never moved. Looking back, I see what a horribly wrong thing it was for me to push her that way.

From what I've read, it sounds to me like she has a moderate level of shyness .. in that she's fine in familiar situations, with people she's comfortable with .. but in the case of us, she retreats into herself. The other night as we talked online, she told me she didn't know why she couldn't be herself when we were together. She feels she ruined my trip to see her and believes that it's right for me to be mad at her. She said that the reason I got upset was because she pushed me to it .. but she doesn't know why she did. It's the way she is .. is what she believes, though she doesn't like it. And because of that, she's hesitant about us meeting again.

There's much more to this that, when I read a wiki page on shyness, gave me multiple, "ah-ha" moments .. shed light on other things she's said and done. It's like all of a sudden, it all made sense. (I can't share those other things in public as it's too personal but, if anyone would like to PM, we can there.)

Anyway .. from what you've read here (and thank you, for reading this far) .. does this sound like a form of shyness here? And if so, how can I approach her? We are so good together online .. I know that it could only be better in person .. if we can get past what's standing between us. I fear that by getting upset with her, I pushed her further inside herself. She means the world to me and I care for her very much and she knows that. I'm just trying to find the key to her heart. Thanks for reading, anyway.

~ John

 

[DancePolice]

ive never liked the word shy..I feel it invalidates the feelings of anxiety which is what it is. I feel shy(anxious) in large groups..but not with a couple of friends..maybe she had problems in past relationships that only came out when they were alone..i dont really know though..ive never been in one..but i do feel uncomfortable around women i like..mainly because im afraid of getting hurt.

 

[Sinaia2012]

Wow .. thank you! That's a connection I hadn't made but .. it's dead on. Shy for me (and most I would suspect) implies something cute but anxiety .. well, I know a thing or two about that and I know it can be debilitating and even frightening at times (I've had a few panic attacks in my time). That actually fits with my overall impression of her, in general .. she worries a lot about what other people think and it would make perfect sense that in an unfamiliar situation/setting, that would translate into anxiety, which often causes us to clam up and become extremely self-conscious.

 

[DancePolice]

yeah for girls most people find it cute....sorta like the quiet librarian fantasy...you have every right to be upset after traveling a long way to see her..but so does she. and really she probably wouldnt care where you two are as long as she feels comfortable with you. its one of those things you gotta talk to her about as every persons story is different, but the feelings are the same.

 

[Sinaia2012]

Well you know, we do have an age difference and, when we first talked about meeting, she said she was concerned what other people would think if they saw us together. So that's why I suggested we go away some place quiet. We got a villa in Sinaia, nice two levels with a fireplace .. it was really nice. I thought that would help in that we could be alone to get to know each other more in person and also, we wouldn't be in public so much where she would feel everyone was pointing and staring and thinking things. But knowing what I know now, that was the absolute WRONG things to do. We met up with a couple of her friends while there and went out a couple times and it was GREAT!!! We were talking and laughing, even kinda flirting a little. And when we talked about it later, she said she had a good time too. But then we went home, it was back to quiet.

At the time, I thought that maybe she was just being polite because we were in public and with friends .. that she really didn't want to be around me and back at the villa, she was being herself in that she wished I wasn't there. But that doesn't fit .. especially after the other day when she said online it's great .. we laugh and have fun but, "I don't know why I can't be myself when I'm with you in person." I think now, it's more likely that she was more herself when we went out and when alone, that's when she got anxious. She seems to think that's just the way she is and always will be and doesn't want to meet again because she feels so badly about what happened .. and feels convinced it will happen again because she's still the same. Just wish I knew how to reach her .. how to tell her I understand and that it's okay because I've changed and maybe, that's enough. I mean, how do I help her to agree to a second meeting without drawing attention to this and making her even more self-conscious, you know?

Truly, I waited 2 years for the chance to meet her and, I've waited my whole life to find someone like her .. so sweet and kind, with such a beautiful heart .. I can be patient and wait some more. I just didn't expect this and, need some help undoing any damage I've done and learning to be a better person, for her.

 

[Fortunado]

I think shes afraid to get to know you on a more personal level but she really wants to ask you everything and is interested in you she just doesn't trust herself.