Could it be the past.

[ShybutHi]

Hello ALL. I suppose I am here looking for advice but advice for this situation may be difficult. It would be nice to get opinions on this matter anyway.

This is concerning relationships and the past. I think the past affects a lot of people more than they either care to admit or realize and I think this may be true of myself.

I have never had any luck with relationships and when it comes down to it, I believe that really it is all my own fault to a point, my fault for not pushing myself and taking risks, but I believe the past is somewhat holding me back a bit. Throughout the whole of my teenage years, from about 9 years old until about 18, I never had even one female friend. Now I am 27 and I do, but all my female friends are partners of my male friends.

When I look back on the past and over the years since I was about 18 regarding relationships (not romantic, just friendly) with the women I do know who are partners of my friends, I have noticed what seems to me as a bit odd behavior from some of them... strangely if not all of them to some degree and it confuses the hell out of me. It is almost like a conspiracy or something.

Some behaviors which are odd to me coming from these women are as follows and it makes it even more strange as I have known these women for years, but never on a one to one friend basis, just acquaintances. One started, sort of out of the blue whenever I saw her, laughing at every little thing I say or do, one time really ecstatically greeting me at a party that her bf wasn't at and then leaving very shortly afterwards. She would also talk to me but not her bf if they were in the same room, but when he wasn't there she would go deftly silent. Another started unusually turning up to places without her partner when not actually invited, but letting me know she will be there and just being unusually friendly all of a sudden and asking me to see her where she works if I am in the area even though I didn't really know her at all. Another started giving me a pet name and complimenting me loads over all other people that she knows including her bf. Another started talking to me basically every day on facebook and even divulging some very personal information.

The reason these behaviors seem odd to me is because they all happened sort of sudden. Never has it just been a slowly getting to know each other as friends situation. (Which granted is hard with me due to my past shyness)

Now, as I mentioned I have never had a proper female friend. One of the women just mentioned even called me "The Dark horse" maybe I am seen as someone who is mysterious because I am shy and rarely give out personal information of any kind, especially to women.

Now, I believe on of the reasons for never having a female friend is because of my past. When I was 9 my only friend actually was a female who was 3 years older and she was my girlfriend, we were very very very close... ahem. All of a sudden (possibly due to growing up and getting different friendship groups and such, maybe viewing me as too young) she stopped being my friend... She just all of a sudden seemed to lose interest and this hurt and confused me A LOT... I was only young after all. I became friends with her brother who was a little bit younger than me and whenever I saw her, confusion would set in and I would watch and wonder about her. I think I was completely smitten by her but really hurt and confused by her actions.

It is just that after that happened, I never had a friend who was a girl until the age that I mentioned earlier and I think this had a profound effect on my ability to create relationships with women. It is like I have a barrier and I back off whenever a women becomes more friendly, and some are very very friendly towards me but unfortunately nearly always taken. Another reason for backing away I think is because of the behaviors of some of the women I do know now. I back away if they start being really friendly and maybe because of some other behaviors that have come with the friendliness that I have mentioned.

Nowadays I am a lot less shy and I would really like to actually get into the dating game but I find it very difficult because of this barrier, I distance myself and don't take a chance to give a woman my number or ask to go out or anything, let alone the fact I am TERRIBLE at telling if a woman is attracted to me.

Does anyone have any advice, comments or tips about this whole situation, attraction, women I know and also about what has happened in my past? Would be much appreciated.

 

[Peaches]

hey, I'll be your friend or at least I can be some kind of a mother figure…

anyway, it sounds like you should go there and try to make friends with some ladies like you would do with a guy, just friends, and the difference between real friends and those weird girls who all of the sudden go from distant to friendly and who possibly want something "extra" from you. It makes sense to not trust them too much if their behavior changes so suddenly, and usually friendliness arises from both sides, and you feel some kind of connection since the beginning.
Not sure if the trauma of what happened to you is the reason behind what is holding you back, maybe some professional has better answers, but what I see as an actual drawback is the lack of familiarity with the modes of the opposite sex in a non-romantic (non-sexual) way. Do you have sisters or cousins? Did you spend time with them? Maybe that makes up for the lack of female friends.

 

[ShybutHi]

Peaches I thought we were already friends!

Well these ladies that you say may want something "extra" from me... who knows... I am no mind reader. The fact that they are partners of my friends means it is a no go area, I come from a moral background and would never try something on with a friends partner if that is what you mean by them possibly wanting something "extra". The sudden changes of behavior towards me are a little odd. I have improved a lot recently and have gained a lot more confidence in myself so maybe it is because they see a change in me, I don't know. I must add that those ladies are not weird, their separate change in behavior towards me is a bit though, it is confusing. (all this change of behavior is at different times over the years that I have known them but mainly more recently) I have not seen them act with others like this, they are all very nice people who I get on with well because we all have very similar interests. They are all in the same social circle as me, all know each other and have done for years, are close friends of each other, but as I said I know them because they are all partners of my male friends and I have just never gotten close to any of them as personal friends.

I think I almost subconsciously distance myself because of my lack of social interaction with women which could be because of my past, even though now I can talk to people whom I don't know really well because of my new found confidence, male or female alike. This can all sound like I view women as different or something but I assure you this is not the case, I just distance myself almost like a reflex action when things get "too" friendly to the point that maybe it could turn into personal friendship, which is why I think it could be because of my past.

I have no sisters. I used to see my cousins every now and then who are both female and around my age but they live quite far away, only saw them on special occasions.

 

[TheRealCallie]

SHY!!!!!!!!!! (hug) Glad to see you're still around....wait, no. It's good to see you again...yeah, that's better. Kinda....

Anyway, it could be the past that's causing you problems, but you said it right in the beginning where you said:

I believe that really it is all my own fault to a point, my fault for not pushing myself and taking risks, but I believe the past is somewhat holding me back a bit.

Now that you owned up to the fact that at least part of it is your fault, you can take the steps to fix it. Are the steps easy and clear cut....no, unfortunately they aren't. But, if you want to fix it, you can.

The past is fickle, it can hold you back, but only if you let it. If you dwell so much of what happened (or didn't happen) before, you aren't really living in the present, so you will essentially, imo, keep doing what you always did. Look at the past as a reference, as a learning guide, but don't live there. What happened, happened and you can't change that, but you can change now.

No one is a mind reader, even with the best of reading body language and all that, you still can't know what someone else is thinking. Human beings are complex creatures, so don't try to understand their thoughts. Instead, understand yourself. Find what you do and don't like and start to fix what you don't like and take pride in what you do like.
You will find someone and you will find female friends, but you have to have something in common with them and you have to get yourself out there and meet new people.

As for the friends' girls, the sudden change could be simply from them noticing that you aren't as shy, so they may not be as reserved as they once were. It's unlikely they want something extra, they are probably just getting more comfortable around you and see that you are getting more comfortable around them. If you're concerned about it, you should talk to them, though.

 

[ShybutHi]

Hello Callie! *hugs*

I think you are right, it is something that I need to work on, something that I am consciously working on already though and something that I have improved upon ten fold recently.
Maybe they do feel more confident in my presence, it would not surprise me in a way, it is just the quite sudden change of behavior that surprises me, it is not gradual like it should be if you are warming to someone. It would be weird to become closer friends with these women partly because I have known them for such a long time, I am talking 5 years+ with most of them, and so I feel it would sort of be strange to suddenly become more friendly on a personal level... It may give someone the wrong idea about it.

I am actually fine communication wise with people that I don't know well now, I beat social anxiety somehow. In fact I seem to get very welcoming responses from all sorts of people which is nice and that is probably because I am always welcoming towards people. I even have an inkling that one or two women I have met recently (not as friends, just professionally) may have even been being a bit flirtatious. Unusual friendliness and behavior considering I don't know them. But as I mentioned because of my past the first steps are very very difficult for me. Maybe they acted like it because I act so comfortably in unknown peoples presence, which in turn makes them comfortable. I crack jokes, make comments on things and generally just act friendly to people even when I don't know them.
I nearly made a move on two women I met recently (not two at the same time mind you!!!) because they were being so unusually friendly to me and seemed very comfortable in my presence... I was attracted to them otherwise I wouldn't of thought to make a move, but I chickened out. Sigh. Just couldn't bring myself to make the move, like a reflex action as I mentioned, I backed away as they became more and more friendly. lol now that I think about it, it is almost backwards.


Concerning these women that I do know who have been having odd behavior though, talking to one or two of them about their behavior has gone through my mind but I don't think that is a good idea, so I haven't done so... It may make them uncomfortable and I don't want that to happen, I don't want to put pressure on someone like that.

Anyway, like with the one who started to laugh at practically every joke or thing I say and became really friendly for some reason, How on earth would you approach someone about that... Commenting on that might make her very uncomfortable so I wouldn't go there. With all of this stuff, I have just left it alone and not commented on any of it to anyone.
It would be really nice to know what is going through their mind though, if just out of curiosity! (I quite enjoy the subject of psychology, it is very interesting to me)

If there is a reason for any of these ladies behavior... If there is some kind of underlying reason for it if you get what I am saying... Well I would just hate to be a cause for any problems. It is very doubtful anyway because I am not a good catch.