Dealing with death

[oarivan]

Found out only a few hours ago that my best mate passed away from a suddenly inoperable tumor. I should be crying but I'm not. I'm actually just completely blank. I was the same when my grandfather died years ago. Remember my relatives crying while I just stood there looking uncomfortable. That's what death does to me...it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't know how to react. Don't know what to say. Spoke to my flatmate about it and kept making jokes. Didn't want even a second of awkward silence where I'm supposed to show an obligatory emotion related to grief. That's what it feels like...an obligation. It's my obligation to cry and cuss and throw things around. Maybe in the next few hours realization will hit and I'll start crying.

Maybe, his loss hasn't quite dawned on me yet.

 

[shells]

Everyone reacts to death differently, oar. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. Just keep taking it one day at a time and try not to hold back your emotions, if and/or when they do hit you.

Try to hang in there, and know that I am here for you, for anything.

 

[Luna]

(((((oar)))))

I had the same thing happen to me for my grandfather, so I can relate to some extent.
Please don't be hard on yourself for this.
Take care of yourself, okay?

 

[mintymint]

You don't have to show other people how important he was to you. Take whatever time you need to grieve in your own way. This stuff can take a while to hit home. I'm sorry about your loss.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Everyone handles death differently - I agree with the others who have posted. You deal with the way you deal with it...and that's all you can do.

I'm sorry for your loss. (((((hugs)))))

 

[Brian]

Some people just find it appropriate to reflect on the lives of others they've related with. Others will be more deeply affected as they grow older and experience more emotional events.

When my grandma died, I really didn't cry about it. I was sad, but not exceedingly so, even though I loved my grandmother and wrote her letters.

When my Asst. Fire Chief died, I was directly involved with the event, and it ended up being pretty traumatic for me at the time.

You might just be tired, man. Happens to me all the time. Just too emotionally tired from life to care.

 

[Nina]

oar--
A few years back I lost both parents in a fatal car crash, ( a damned drunk) and then less than 2 weeks later my brother died in yet another accident. I went through all the funerals like a zombi. It took almost two months for the shock to subside and the tears to come. I cried hysterically off and on for weeks. Everyone handles it differently. Sometimes the shock of a loss of someone very close to you, simply throws you into such emotional trauma that you can't cry.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I'm sorry for your loss Oar. Don't worry about the grief process, everyone's an individual.

 

[nerdygirl]

Oh, sweetie. *huggles* We all react differently to death. You are under no obligation to have any specific reaction.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I agree with everyone else. Everyone reacts differently. I just hope you're okay. (hug)

 

[sadface]

you don't deal with it. ever.

you just learn to live with it.



sorry for your loss.

 

[freedom]

i agree with what a lot of people on here are saying. everyone handles it differently. my maternal grandma died when i was 14-15 years old, and i cried right when i heard the news of her passing. i only grieved for a little while, but now that i think about it, i don't think i was crying because of her death. i seem to remember crying because everyone else was crying and it made me sad. life can be strange.

 

[Rammy]

I'm very sorry for your loss, Everyone deals with death in their own way. In my case recently a friend passed away I couldn't cry much either, it simply didn't hit me but over time it slowly dawned on me, I miss and think about her almost every day, I even think I see or hear her from time to time. I still shed few tears, it still seems like she's just gone away for a while. I find myself expecting to talk to her again, and mostly remember how great she was....but maybe in time it will hit us.
Just keep going, you will get through the grief in your own way, in your own time, nobody expects anything else of you.
My thoughts are with you.

 

[Badjedidude]

I learned to accept death at a younger age, I guess. I've never really felt too hurt by anyone's death, and that could be because I saw it very graphically occur when I was about 12 or 13.

Warning! Graphic! If you have a queasy stomach, don't read on!

I saw a guy riding his bicycle get hit by a semi-trailer and get dragged along the highway for about 50 feet or so. Being the proper little Boy Scout I was, I ran to the scene after the truck had stopped, to see if I could help with first aid.

There was no point. The guy was obviously dead. His torso was caught up under the front axle of the truck and his legs were wayyy back at the rear of the trailer, caught under the tires. He had been torn in two by the violence of the hit and the speed at which the semi ground him into the blacktop. I actually ended up helping to cover his legs with a tarp. I watched the ambulance and police come and go, and then I returned home myself.

I guess since then I've always seen death as an inevitable, natural occurence... and I've understood that often it's bloody and swift. It could happen to literally anyone at any moment. So I'm never surprised or entirely hurt when someone does die, because deep down I was half expecting it anyway. *shrug*

That sounds awful now that I'm writing it out like this, but that's pretty much how I see death.

Anyway, *HUGS* for ((((Navs))))

 

[oarivan]

I see death in a similar light, as an inevitable occurrence. Past few days I've been constantly thinking about Alex. My flatmate pointed out that this is a form of grieving since I can't go an hour without ruminating on how to deal with death.

 

[grainofrice24]

Never let the world dictate how you feel or think you're supposed to feel. Showing emotion is not necessary, it just happens or it doesn't. It is not a weakness to not show emotion...some might say that showing emotion is weaker than not showing it. Better to feel nothing if it's truly how you feel than to fake an emotion because you think you are supposed to...in my opinion anyway...

 

[Danielle]

((navs)) you are grieving in your own way. everyone shows their emotions in different ways... don't rush the process, let it happen... and just know you have a million friends here to lean on, and talk to if you ever want to.

I am so sorry about your loss.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Oar, I am so sorry. It may sound clichéed to say that everyone processes grief in his own way and in his own time, but it is true. When my grandfather died, I could not cry for months afterward, and he and I had been very close. After my son died, I cried intensely for a week and then could not cry for months and months... until 9/11 happened. Then I could not stop crying for what felt like a year.

My condolences to you. ((((Oarivan))))

 

[ThinkPositive]

I know I already expressed condolences in chat, but I'm truly sorry to hear of your loss.

Not too much to add to what others have already said, but death often IS awkward and uncomfortable, not just sad. I remember my dad and I were the only people not crying at my mom's funeral. I don't know about him, but to me, it was just too weird and uncomfortable.

I did all my crying when no one was around...I didn't share any tears with my dad, or my then-boyfriend, or any of my friends.

Don't worry, you don't have any obligation for a show of emotion. Grieving is a long process...best of luck to you...