Dear The Lonely

[wallflower79]

Dear The Lonely,


I'm sorry you feel that way. I felt that way too, for most of my life. I had childhood friends that I grew distant in middle school as I became more of a loner and, honestly, more of a loser, and they made other friends. My shyness and reservation paralyzed me from talking to new people. Then I was to move to another state and I made a decision that I was going to be the social butterfly. Be someone else. I changed everything about myself and fought hard to get out of my comfort zone and talk to people and try to make acquaintances that might turn into friends. I tried hard to keep in touch with old friends as well- this was in the days before Facebook-and tried to be active in school extracurricular activities. And I succeeded, for a time. I knew most of the kids in my school. I was very involved. And then it happened. I had my nervous breakdown and ended up in the psych ward. And when I came back, I kept to myself and struggled just to keep my head above water at school. And then I moved again. 

Graduated from high school without friends. Attempted suicide on the night before graduation. Went from job to job, going to school part time, trying to make friends and connections. I graduated. Moved again. Went to school for a bachelor's degree in yet another state. Spent many sleepless nights wondering was wrong with me. Graduated and moved yet again. Found a terrible job that sapped my will to live. Found a better job and moved to a city.  Became very physically even as I withdrew in myself. Lost more sleep, until I was going on no sleep for days at a time, still going to work downtown. Hospitalized. Got out and was taken back to my parent's place. Returned back to the state I was in before, living with my sister. For the first time in what seemed like forever, made friends. Found a job again. Looks like a good one this time.


Why do I tell you this, my whole life story? To let you know you are not alone. You may be the lonely, but you are not alone in experiencing isolation. Why am I here? This is why. I crave human connection and interaction. Why are you here? I am posting this in the hopes that you, who found some reason to start searching on the internet for other people experiencing the same loneliness that you feel, will find a reason. So share your reasons for being here, friend. I hope that you aren't too bummed out about your experiences here. You have a reason to be. Sometimes it is hard to find. I hope that I can help.

(Sorry if I am slow to reply. I work full time and sometimes get busy to or too stressed to reply.)  

Sincerely,

The Wallflower

 

[dead]

What a beautiful post, Wallflower.
You are a beautiful person. And i am happy to hear that you seem to be finding some balance.

As to why am I here... Well. Loneliness is a harsh companion. And i'm just hoping that one day, i'll find the one person to take it's place, for good.

 

[wallflower79]

What a beautiful post, Wallflower.
You are a beautiful person. And i am happy to hear that you seem to be finding some balance.

As to why am I here... Well. Loneliness is a harsh companion. And i'm just hoping that one day, i'll find the one person to take it's place, for good.

Thanks for replying, dead. I am glad that you are here and that you find some solace from your loneliness.

 

[HangmanNoose]

Inspiring, Makes me want to write about my life story. WallFlower, I agree with Dead. It was a beautiful post, and your a beautiful Person thanks for sharing.

As to why I am here, Loneliness, and Depression, keep me one knot from suicide. I guess Being here helps to know I am not alone in my struggles.

 

[wallflower79]

Inspiring, Makes me want to write about my life story. WallFlower, I agree with Dead. It was a beautiful post, and your a beautiful Person thanks for sharing.

As to why I am here, Loneliness, and Depression, keep me one knot from suicide. I guess Being here helps to know I am not alone in my struggles.

That I understand, HangmanNoose. I hope that you get to the point that those feelings go away. I think that my suicidal tendencies are starting to fade.

 

[HangmanNoose]

Ive been suicidal since i was 12. at one point they did fade and I thought i was past it. but it wasn't to last. but I take each day as it comes and treat it like a new adventure.

 

[Meaw]

Dear The Lonely,

I knew from the age of three I was "different". I did not get the social clues other kids did, though at that same age I did learn to read, and I liked it. At the age between three and five (or something, I never was that great at time) my family was on the run from the first father who had been hitting us all. We settled down close to mothers parents, even if grandmother is a bit special, so to say.

I started school, and a few times I was allowed to be with the other kids, though the very most of my school time I was frozen out. I spent the time doing what I liked - gathering knowledge - and ended up getting a diploma for highest grades when exiting ninth grade. Somewhere between that in time I got another father, who after some year couldn't keep his dirty hands away when he should. I told mother, and she immediately threw him out. I probably also read out half the library during those school years.

Then I advanced in my studies, and the rate of especially the math in school got insane. I studied math five hours every day after school, for half a year. Then, the second term that year, I started to break down. My brain became slower, I lost my way with words, my ability to learn, everything I considered my true "gift"; I had my first burnout.

I applied for another school (this one for aspergians) in hope to get new trust for the teachers and principal, and got accepted. I continued for a year and a half, until I switched contact person. The new lady was a callous one. Somewhere around these years I had three suicide attempts. With only six months left, I fell back, but this time there were no floor, so I fell into the cellar. Another burnout, this one much deeper. I barely went to school the last months, and that was enough for me failing the gymnasium. No space scientist work for me. No possible nobel prize. No showing the world I could. No knowledge.

When a person gets a stroke, parts of the brain dies and new areas relearn the old stuff. I read some day ago that extroverts and introverts process experiences through different routes in the brain. When I got my "real" burnout, almost all of my personality changed. I became social, and realized just how lonely I was.

Somewhere around the start of that burnout, I tried to talk to the other people at that school. I got especially one friend, who came to be my first partner. He didn't speak much at all, however. Since I still felt lonely, I started gaming. After a few years, I got enough and ended that relationship. He was a good person, just not for me.

Then I got another partner, in the USA of all countries. I'm not the biggest fan of them, but I visited twice. His previous girlfriend had been cheating on him several times, and after a couple of months he started having screaming sessions, where he for one to two hours called me out on things that could seem suspicious to him - especially when we weren't at the same place. I crossed my own limits in order to prove to him I had not done anything wrong, and even if he eventually calmed down, all my proof was forgotten the next screaming session. When back in Sweden, and he in the USA, I started doing things and lying to him just to feel like I still had some own will, some kind of privacy left. I normally cannot break a promise and really hate to lie as well as the mere concept of lies (though I will admit to every now and then telling one), and these were really stupid things. They were lies along the lines of "I'll be right back, I'll grab a drink" and then I'd go to the bathroom instead, or "I woke up four minutes ago" if I woke up two minutes ago. I cannot understand it now, and I ain't proud of it. One day when walking to mothers place, I got hit by the thought "I'll never be happy again unless I break free". After that, it was as if the desicion was made. The hurt gradually faded with time from that moment. I still feel like I may never find someone whom I'll consider free from faults, and what I miss the most is to wake up, turn around, lay ones arm around someone and not feel alone. Nowadays, I hate mornings due to that simple detail.
(I thought I was done dwelling on all that, but as The Unguided sing, "All I know is that you don't brawl your demons and defeat them, no you fight them. You fight them every single day for the rest of your life, you live and breathe them".)

These days, even if I got a broken brain, am without job, without friends close by, hanging out with basically only mother and the discord chat, I feel like I've stayed true to myself, found some valuable insights along the way, and I think I have no choice but to keep going on and try my very best to turn this world into a slightly better place before I depart. I WANT the world to be a slightly better place by then. I do miss people to hang out with, talk to and so on. The loneliness is very good at clinging to me, worse than I'd cling to a litre of strawberries X) Every day feels like a hollow shell, a dream by another, real life. As if I'm only waiting for time to pass so that I could finally rot away. Still, I manage. I will be as strong as I have to be, partially because I have no choice.


Sincerely, Meaw.
Wallflower, you are not alone. I can figure it was a tough post for you. It was for me.

 

[wallflower79]

Thanks Meaw, I really appreciate this. I just wanted to help people, and I know that it helps to know you aren't alone, and this really helped me feel not alone.

 

[Meaw]

Then I have succeeded, Wallflower. Just like you have. Again, thank you for sharing and good luck!

 

[Hoarse Whisperer]

This is a beautiful thread; Wallflower, Meaw, thank you.

 

[wallflower79]

This is a beautiful thread; Wallflower, Meaw, thank you.

You're welcome, Hoarse.