S
SophiaGrace
Guest
You know, last night...my mom's boyfriend kept saying **** about me. And I could hear what he was saying because he was saying it to my mom 20 feet away from me.
It all sounded so stupid, what he was saying. Here I am in college, he's a guest in the house and he's complaining about me forgetting to turn off the space heater and lights in the living room. (heck the Kitchen and family room are less than 20 feet apart and half the time I thought he and my mom wanted to use the living room). He was also complaining that I dont let the dog out often enough
Are you kidding me? If those are my crimes, i'll take them lol.
He was bitching about how all I do is be on the computer and watch Tv. Well DUH YEAH i'm on BREAK from college. And I cant get a job because then my college wouldnt get paid for.
I admit it drove me to tears at the end, when he and my mom went to bed. I cried a little, frustrated. His words used to hurt me more....
Once they even drove me to get drunk after he told me I was a bitch with no friends. I went to my room, went halfway t hrough a suicide attempt...but then decided just to go to bed instead drunk and woke up with a hangover. It's the only time I've ever been drunk.
But throughout the whole thing (last night) i was saying to myself that I didnt deserve his complaints, thinking that I could conjur up much worse things for me to be doing. I could be a drug addict. I could be addicted to cigaretts. I could be an alcoholic, promiscuous...I could NOT be in college. I could be in jail. I could be a thief. I could have a baby at a very young age.
There are loads of things worse. And He complains nightly about me, making sure i'm within earshot.
In a sick sort of way I sort of liked to hear him bash me last night because it caused me to say to myself
"This is ridiculous. I'm not that bad of a person."
If only I were this immune to my own self-criticisms. Sometimes it's just ridiculous how people judge you. Judge judge judge judge.
*sigh* And where does the bad self esteem go? What place does it deserve? Is it useful? Should it even have a place in one's life? Is debasement only useful for Christian monks who tell themselves they are unworthy of God's forgiveness?
Esteem seems so ephemeral...so intangible and difficult to define. There's high self esteem, low self esteem and then narcissists who can do no wrong vs people suffering from depression that internalize ALL blame.
All I know is that I refuse to let other people tell me I'm a bad person. That's ridiculous. I'm not. And they can shove it in the wrong end if they think otherwize.
**** other people and their little measuring rulers. Who do they think they are? *growls* Dont people realize that there will always be those better and worse than you? Is it truely worth it to raise yourself up on the backs of others? Is this truely what self-esteem is about?
I dont know myself. I guess I judge others too. It's impossible to escape. The judging process.
So I guess in conclusion we should all just let the sneering jabbing unconstructive criticism roll off our backs and only accept the constructive criticism from those that are seeking to genuinely help us instead of tearing us down.
End my story/rant/musing thread lol
It all sounded so stupid, what he was saying. Here I am in college, he's a guest in the house and he's complaining about me forgetting to turn off the space heater and lights in the living room. (heck the Kitchen and family room are less than 20 feet apart and half the time I thought he and my mom wanted to use the living room). He was also complaining that I dont let the dog out often enough
Are you kidding me? If those are my crimes, i'll take them lol.
He was bitching about how all I do is be on the computer and watch Tv. Well DUH YEAH i'm on BREAK from college. And I cant get a job because then my college wouldnt get paid for.
I admit it drove me to tears at the end, when he and my mom went to bed. I cried a little, frustrated. His words used to hurt me more....
Once they even drove me to get drunk after he told me I was a bitch with no friends. I went to my room, went halfway t hrough a suicide attempt...but then decided just to go to bed instead drunk and woke up with a hangover. It's the only time I've ever been drunk.
But throughout the whole thing (last night) i was saying to myself that I didnt deserve his complaints, thinking that I could conjur up much worse things for me to be doing. I could be a drug addict. I could be addicted to cigaretts. I could be an alcoholic, promiscuous...I could NOT be in college. I could be in jail. I could be a thief. I could have a baby at a very young age.
There are loads of things worse. And He complains nightly about me, making sure i'm within earshot.
In a sick sort of way I sort of liked to hear him bash me last night because it caused me to say to myself
"This is ridiculous. I'm not that bad of a person."
If only I were this immune to my own self-criticisms. Sometimes it's just ridiculous how people judge you. Judge judge judge judge.
*sigh* And where does the bad self esteem go? What place does it deserve? Is it useful? Should it even have a place in one's life? Is debasement only useful for Christian monks who tell themselves they are unworthy of God's forgiveness?
Esteem seems so ephemeral...so intangible and difficult to define. There's high self esteem, low self esteem and then narcissists who can do no wrong vs people suffering from depression that internalize ALL blame.
All I know is that I refuse to let other people tell me I'm a bad person. That's ridiculous. I'm not. And they can shove it in the wrong end if they think otherwize.
**** other people and their little measuring rulers. Who do they think they are? *growls* Dont people realize that there will always be those better and worse than you? Is it truely worth it to raise yourself up on the backs of others? Is this truely what self-esteem is about?
I dont know myself. I guess I judge others too. It's impossible to escape. The judging process.
So I guess in conclusion we should all just let the sneering jabbing unconstructive criticism roll off our backs and only accept the constructive criticism from those that are seeking to genuinely help us instead of tearing us down.
End my story/rant/musing thread lol
