J
jd7
Guest
This is going to be a long and meandering post. You've been warned...
One of my biggest fears is dependence (possibly my biggest fear, haven't really ranked them all though). Times are tough and the world is a strange place. Sometimes, for whatever reason, we find ourselves unable to provide for our own needs in their entirety and often for unfair reasons. More and more people are turning to multi-generational living, more 'kids' (20s and 30s and 40s) are 'moving back home.' More 'parents' (60s and 70s) are moving in with their kids. And many never separated in the first place. Economies around the world continue to spiral downward, despite any rosy-colored propaganda spewed by the media. It isn't getting better. There were times, in the past, when I had to swallow my pride and lean on others because I had my child and her mother. It felt like death. In fact, I would have preferred death but for that, again, unfortunate notion of others depending on me. Damn, dependence...
Nearly a decade ago, we (my "family") arrived. Countless years of hard work, dedication, schooling, studying, planning, saving, living like hermits paid off. I was finally part of a dual-income household and for the first time in my life was not 'poor.' It only took three decades to climb above that. Two people, college-educated, working professionals, small but nice house, small but nice cars, perfectly capable of living within their means and of supporting one another beyond this to go even further: doctorates? businesses? etc... Well, that wasn't what was in store for me. Instead, it was total destruction and loss of family, job, home, credit, hope, and opportunity all brought about by selfishness and deceit. I know this club isn't exclusive, so I will forgo the pity party.
So, once again, after just peering above the ground line with bloody knuckles and missing fingernails...after a life of climbing furiously...I was kicked back into the hole. Well ****. This has been nearly seven years ago. I'm a different person and I've accepted that I needed to go through this to become who I am - better, stronger, more autonomous. For a while after the crash, I was incapacitated by what I'd been through - bad times those were. Hopeless. Nothing more dangerous than a man convinced that he's got nothing to lose and nothing to gain. Well, again, driven on by necessity, I put myself back together and was determined to fight. And fight I did. I changed my life entirely and I got back to work and I got back to school and I'm still in this mode. My capacity for anger and rage is nearly unlimited and approaches, if not surpasses, human in nature. So it's not even tempting to indulge it. If I did, total destruction would ensue and it would consume me as well. I've never hurt those close to me, but I've come very close to hurting myself. I literally can't go there. I don't want to self-destruct.
One of the things I like about being alone is that no one depends on me. Therefore, I don't have to feel like a failure if the bottom falls out, which it has in my life - time and time again. That way I don't pull someone down in with me. Despite being somewhat educated and making somewhat decent money, I still never feel good enough or like I have arrived. I'm pursuing my 2nd and 3rd degrees presently. I wish I could say this was chosen for cheerful reasons, but that would be a lie. I'm doing this out of fear of dependency. When I was younger as a troubled teen, I chose homelessness for a while over the charity of others and lived in my car. I've got a 'mean streets' mentality that must be kept at bay to function within daily life and especially within the professional world. A long time ago in conversation, I told a relative I'd rather end up dead on a street corner, frozen in place with a bottle of vodka than depend on others.
My image of myself as a provider was shattered when I realized it was all an illusion propped upon the trust of others. Not even as stable as a house of cards. Now, in my mind, I'll never be good enough because no matter how hard I try, someone can just pull the rug out.
So, long story short, I don't like depending on others and I don't like others depending on me. That makes relationships difficult. (This probably doesn't even belong here, but it was in my mind, so...)
Anybody relate?
One of my biggest fears is dependence (possibly my biggest fear, haven't really ranked them all though). Times are tough and the world is a strange place. Sometimes, for whatever reason, we find ourselves unable to provide for our own needs in their entirety and often for unfair reasons. More and more people are turning to multi-generational living, more 'kids' (20s and 30s and 40s) are 'moving back home.' More 'parents' (60s and 70s) are moving in with their kids. And many never separated in the first place. Economies around the world continue to spiral downward, despite any rosy-colored propaganda spewed by the media. It isn't getting better. There were times, in the past, when I had to swallow my pride and lean on others because I had my child and her mother. It felt like death. In fact, I would have preferred death but for that, again, unfortunate notion of others depending on me. Damn, dependence...
Nearly a decade ago, we (my "family") arrived. Countless years of hard work, dedication, schooling, studying, planning, saving, living like hermits paid off. I was finally part of a dual-income household and for the first time in my life was not 'poor.' It only took three decades to climb above that. Two people, college-educated, working professionals, small but nice house, small but nice cars, perfectly capable of living within their means and of supporting one another beyond this to go even further: doctorates? businesses? etc... Well, that wasn't what was in store for me. Instead, it was total destruction and loss of family, job, home, credit, hope, and opportunity all brought about by selfishness and deceit. I know this club isn't exclusive, so I will forgo the pity party.
So, once again, after just peering above the ground line with bloody knuckles and missing fingernails...after a life of climbing furiously...I was kicked back into the hole. Well ****. This has been nearly seven years ago. I'm a different person and I've accepted that I needed to go through this to become who I am - better, stronger, more autonomous. For a while after the crash, I was incapacitated by what I'd been through - bad times those were. Hopeless. Nothing more dangerous than a man convinced that he's got nothing to lose and nothing to gain. Well, again, driven on by necessity, I put myself back together and was determined to fight. And fight I did. I changed my life entirely and I got back to work and I got back to school and I'm still in this mode. My capacity for anger and rage is nearly unlimited and approaches, if not surpasses, human in nature. So it's not even tempting to indulge it. If I did, total destruction would ensue and it would consume me as well. I've never hurt those close to me, but I've come very close to hurting myself. I literally can't go there. I don't want to self-destruct.
One of the things I like about being alone is that no one depends on me. Therefore, I don't have to feel like a failure if the bottom falls out, which it has in my life - time and time again. That way I don't pull someone down in with me. Despite being somewhat educated and making somewhat decent money, I still never feel good enough or like I have arrived. I'm pursuing my 2nd and 3rd degrees presently. I wish I could say this was chosen for cheerful reasons, but that would be a lie. I'm doing this out of fear of dependency. When I was younger as a troubled teen, I chose homelessness for a while over the charity of others and lived in my car. I've got a 'mean streets' mentality that must be kept at bay to function within daily life and especially within the professional world. A long time ago in conversation, I told a relative I'd rather end up dead on a street corner, frozen in place with a bottle of vodka than depend on others.
My image of myself as a provider was shattered when I realized it was all an illusion propped upon the trust of others. Not even as stable as a house of cards. Now, in my mind, I'll never be good enough because no matter how hard I try, someone can just pull the rug out.
So, long story short, I don't like depending on others and I don't like others depending on me. That makes relationships difficult. (This probably doesn't even belong here, but it was in my mind, so...)
Anybody relate?
I"m proud of you. It's not easy to be vulnerable. It's very scary. (hug)
