Depression, self harming and my story

[DariusArgent]

I just read through this entire thread. Looks like you've been in a huge rollercoaster ride.

I just want you to tell this, remind yourself that there were good moments in life. If such is the case know that they might be back again. That's how I roll at least and when I get heavily depressed I try to keep these things in mind.

I'm sorry that I cannot give you an answer about professional help. I don't consider them quite helpful and they are quite expensive from where I come from.

Godspeed

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi,
I think if you're feeling suicidal, you need to reach out to a professional. True, the first two docs you saw weren't so great but there are others out there. Not all docs are crap. I had to get help for post-partum depression after my child was born. I was in such a haze that I didn't even know how to help myself. Thank goodness my kid's dad basically made me see the doctor. I took medication for a period of time and I went back to work which is a source of social support for me and I got better.

I'm sorry that you went through your friend's suicide when you were so young. A close friend of mine committed suicide a few years ago and I still don't know why or what to make of it. I think he made an impulsive mistake that he can never undo. And this happened when I was an adult; I think young teenagers are just not equipped to handle such a devastating event without some help from adults, which you apparently didn't get.

Stick around and let us know how you're doing. A lot of us here care about your well-being.

-Teresa

 

[ladyforsaken]

So, i think it may be time I seek help. Now, I've tried psychiatrists(right word?) in the past, they never helped. They gave me some **** medicine that messed my head worse.
But it could have just been these 2 docs. This is a question to anyone that has recieved profesional help. Is it worth it? Money is not an issue, I've been saving for emergencies for a while now, so I mean, did it help you? Was the time and effort worth it in the end? Because I feel that they'll fail like the other two, and it'll be a huge waste of my time and effort

I did try to get professional help once. I guess I was lucky I got a good one. It helped me, it started off my healing but because it was costing me quite a bit, I could only make it for a few sessions but I tried to keep up the exercises taught to me so yeah. It helped. I just hope that when you do it for yourself, you find a good one that suits you.

Good luck, Erevetot.

 

[Erevetot]

So, I've been thinking for a while now. Before I visit any profesional, I'm trying to face all the issues i got, go on a "full out attack" on my problems and see if i can take back my life and put it back together by myself.

I went through my past, good and bad memories, trying to find out where I lost it. Well, I never had it to start with. I was always sad and depressed, but managed to mask it with a fake smile, I was "cool" because I never let anyone see that anything bothered me, so I just let everything stack, and when i was about to burst, i stopped it with drinking or drugging myself

But I realized that the major issue happened 2 years ago, when, well, everything changed. I fell, and I didnt got back up by myself. I had a person there for me, to be strong for both of us, so i got used to it, tp have a "safety net", someone to be there for me. After that person left my life, i wanted to be alone, i wanted to be lonely. I locked myself away. Not because I was betrayed or hurt, but because I knew the fault was in me, I knew that I had to calm down and clear my mind. So the loneliness started as a choice, and when I stop liking that choice, it was too late. Friends had move on, I've let myself go so finding a girlfriend was not even close to an option, and I've lost all my skills and chances for studies, work and a great job as a musician.

My Saturday nights went from out all night drinking and partying, to up all night wasting my life on some video game like WoW, to up all night hating myself regretting my choices, to up all night crying, wishing for all of it to be over


So, I think that my way to fight it all, to get myself together and stop feeling like that, is to just....stop. Trying to make new friends doesnt help when you have no common interests with 90% of the population of your town, and you either ****** or fought 5%, and the other 5% ignores you.
Trying to reconnect with old friends seemed to work a bit, so I guess that;s something. Not enough, but something. I talked to my "current friends", people I know for years, but they've moved on and I'm still stuck in the past. I got 2 of them, both great guys. I talked to them about the **** that Im going through, and they yelled at me for not reaching out earlier, for not letting them know years ago, and going through this alone. i told them how they are busy with their studies, jobs and girlfriends and 1 of them told me "bros before hoes". I've never thought I'd actually hear someone use that line IRL and mean it. We're making plans to go out etc, so that's good, it should help me boost my social life

Moving on from my old relationships that haunt me, especially the last one, its not that easy. Due to always getting with girls with really similar interests to mine, almost everything reminds me of her, but im moving on. I miss her, but i need to force myself to be over her way faster than I should.


feeling wise im confused. one moment im fine, the next i feel like breaking. i'll get back to working out and see if ican finish my studies, get both mind and body busy

tl;dr im having some progress, and for now i'll stick to myself thanks everyone that helped in these forums, trust me, im in a really dark and desperate place, that every single bit helps

 

[sothatwasmylife]

Your not alone .I'm seriously thinking about buying a rope for Christmas and festooning it with Xmas decorations as some sort of ironic statement...but with a bit of luck I may feel better tomorrow

 

[Erevetot]

Im at the point that nothing seems interesting. I hate everything i do, i hate me. I try to focus on studies, music, cooking, sleeping, going out with people, nothing. The only thing in my mind is "1 more day is over". I just randomly break and cry, I catch myself thinking of things like how great it'd be if that car driving by me went out of control and ran me over

I keep going out with friends, I even got a date, but it's not interesting. I had a great time and not. I cant explain it. It wasnt boring, 2-3 months ago it'd be the best thing I could ask for, friends to be with and have fun, and a nice girl being interested in me. Now, while it went good, it doesnt feel good, it doesnt "fill me inside". This Saturday i had a date, and due to one of my friends being out of town, his girl came with us because we went to a party she wanted to go too, and it'd be rude to leave her alone. She kept telling me how my date seems great and really interested in me, that she looks at me like she loves me etc, I know the girl and she's a great person. But my feelings are not there. Its not that im protecting myself from being hurt, its that i feel nothing, a total emptiness, no love hate happiness sadness, nothing

it seems like im wallowing, but im not. im scared, im trying so hard to change me, to change my life and fight my issues, but something in me fights it back. It feels like Im scared of being happy, like a part of me is so used on being sad, lonely, and suicidal so it stops any chance i get to stop feeling like that

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well don't just date or be in relationship with the girl just because. I read through this entire thread, and I couldn't help but feel like with the last girlfriend (one where you became jealous she was joking around) that you wanted to be with her because she literally made you happy. While that may seem fine in a general sense, I just couldn't think of anything else other than how selfish that is. You shouldn't be with anyone simply because it makes you feel something. Relationships can't be a selfish thing. They can't be one-sided. When they turn into that, both parties may begin scrambling for reasons to stay. One can't just pull the rope all to their side. What have you given these ladies? What can you offer the next lady?

And the friend thing... My peeps are the first people I turn to when I need something. They're my team, my family, and we all think the same of one another. Lean on them more, dude. If they're real and true to you, there's nothing that can break that love and respect. It would take a lot more than a herd of bulls for me to ever distrust or disrespect my friends. I will always be there for them, and your friends probably feel the same for you. Talk to them. Get it off your chest. You feel okay with telling a forum full of strangers, surely you can confide in them.

Sorry if any of that seems harsh. That's not my intention, but I do care and I'm going to be real about it.

 

[Erevetot]

long post incoming



I gave her my everything. She didnt make me feel happy because she was doing a lot for us, she did almost nothing. And no, I was not greedy, I never asked her for anything, and always made her see how I apreciated anythong she may did for us. I was feeling happy because I was able to make her happy, to love her and make her smile, make her feel good. The sound of her laugh, her smile, her telling me how happy it makes her that we're together because she never expected me to like her... These things made me happy, literaly when she was happy, and we were fine.
What I meant with I dont miss her but the feelings, is that I'm finally "ok" that we're done. I still got strong feelings for her, but i now know there are no chances of us being together, accepted it and try to move on. For the longest time I was trying to find a way to get her back, but not anymore. While, i'd love it, I know it wont happen and I just try to let go. But I still miss all the fun we had, that warm fuzzy feeling when she said she loved me and meant it, when she was excited and happier than ever to talk to me, etc etc etc. I miss her, I miss everything about her.
But for 2 years now I was lonely. Literaly, lonely and alone. The only feeling I had was sadness. So, when out of nowhere, she comes and makes me feel love again, love her and be loved, leaving just left me craving that feeling more than before

And the relationship was one sided, but on her side. She still hurts me, she keeps texting me that she misses me and loves me, and if i reply anything, from "me too babe" to "hey, how are you" she replies "she shouldnt have said it, and we shouldnt talk about us as we're never getting together again, and it hurts her" and then she just doesnt give a damn. She just wants to see that I still got feelings for her, she wants the attention. But thats a really long discussion that its better to not have as we're done and talking about her wont help. Im far from the best boyfriend, not even a "great" one. But I give it my all, if I fall in love/love I make sure to make her happy. And that's part of why Im so ****** now, in all of my 3"serious relationships" I sacrificed a lot to make them happy, and while I still pay for it, I dont regret it.


The "new" girl tells me that she likes being with me because im fun, sweet, caring and make her feel comfortable. I fail to understand how she sees all that. And im not going to do something for her just to do something. I dont even know if there will be something with her. I respect her, and while I can see myself with her, and falling for her, she's great, Im scared that I'll let her into my life, and then push her away. I told her I was just out of something complicated and still affects me, and she got mad at her and told me to stop thinking about it and that she's there for me. Im not ready for something new, and she knows it, she's still willing to be here and wait until i am


And I trust and love my friends. Getting drinks with them, chilling, talking helps. They're there for me, since we "reunited", it's like we didnt have these 2 years of barely communicating.
But they dont believe how bad I am. They knew me as a person that doesnt give a **** about anything, emotionless and always cool and happy. For the first 6 years of our friendship I was like that, exactly the opposite from what I am now, so they cant believe how low I am, how different I've become.

 

[Erevetot]

anyways, thing is that for 2 days now im just a mess. im literally just sitting, doing stuff, and i'll randomly start crying, feel like ****.

i got no idea how or why
and thats why im posting here, for any sort of help

 

[dn560]

This will be a long, emotional thread. It'll contain my personal experiences. While I dont usually open up myself to people, I raelly need it as Im in a really dark place.

Excuse any grammatical errors and stuff, I'm partialy drunk, and crying



So. I grew up next to a kid called John. We were friends, brothers, since we were babies. We lived literaly a door away, sleeping at each other's house etc. When we were 14, he suicided. He hang himself on the pull-up bar he had on his room. There were no signs for it. He was always happy, he had loving parents, a good life as they were financaly stable, and he was a smart kid, always good at school, and sports.

When that happened, I didnt care. For 2-3 months I acted like it was just another summer, with him and his family visiting his grandparents in Italy. Then it hit me that he was gone, and it killed me. I locked myself out of everying and everyone. My family didnt even notice, so in less than a year I was drinking and smoking daily, and by the time I was 16 I've been using drugs (coke, heroin and "happy pills"). It didnt help me, I was doing it because It made me feel ****. Hurting myself physically made the emotional pain go away. Around 17-18 I decided I wanted to die. I didnt want my life anymore, I gave up on school, sports and friends, and started self-hamring, first cutting myself and then overdoing it with drugs, trying to OD myself.

One night I succeeded.I was cutting, and OD'd, some randoms found me and took me to the hospital. I was safe in 3-4 days, but they kept me for 2 weeks, to make sure I dont do it again. They brought me a psychiatrist (is that how its called) and he tried to help me.
In the hospital, a classmate of mine from school started visiting me. A girl, that I barely even noticed. Till then any interactions I had with girls were to set a date and make out/sex with different girls at random clubs every week.
I never expected to like her. But i fell in love with her. I needed it, I needed to feel loved, and she gave me that.

We spent hours together in the hospital. When I was out the hours became days, and the days months. On our 1 year anniversary she told me that she'll register on the same university as me so we can be together.
On the 2 years, we moved in. Her parents owned an apartment on her building block, and they allowed us to stay there for free, as long as we pay for our food/electricity/water bills. We both had part time jobs, so we made it.
We were in love, we were breathing for each other.
i proposed to her, and we got engaged. We planned on getting married after we finish university, in one year from now.

Due to not being carefull, she got pregnant. We had long talks about it, we both wanted a child at some point but we were too young and not even close to ready for it. She wanted an abortion. I didn't, but I knew that if I said it to her, it'd hurt her. So I lied, I told her I wanted an abortion too, I made it easier for her.
It killed us. For the next 3 months we barely had any physical contact, and while we still loved each other, we were cold. In the end, I broke up with her. She agreed that we needed to do it. It hurt us both, but it was needed. Up to this day we still regret it. When we randomly come across each other in campus, we look in each other eyes and we can both see how much we hurt and miss each other. But we wont be together. She moved on, and so did I

After that, I went back to myself. I quitted any friends I had, and I stayed home, barely got out, barely talked to anyone. I started spending my time on my computer, online, entertaining myself with stupid youtube videos, and then I got into video games. I was sad. I was still cutting myself, but I didnt want to die. I made some online friends, I wasted days playing and talking to them. It was fun. It destroyed me, as by making online friends I pretty much made myself scared of meeting someone IRL. I've lost any "tricks" I had with the girls, and hardly made any friends. The 2 guys I considered friends from highschool were trying to help me, but i didnt open myself to them, and in the end they gave up.

Then, I met her. A beautifull girl, on the grocery store. She was crying on the isle for alcohol. I accidentaly pushed her, apologized and saw her red eyes. We talked and I somehow asked her out. We ended up on a date, she explained to me how her father just died from lung cancer. I was there for her, and for 2 months, we were in love. Then she left. She literally told me "thank you for being there for me, now I'm strong enough again." and that was it.

It destroyed me more.

That was this January,2014. For her I had quitted my online friends, so I was all alone. I was cutting, drinking and crying myself through everyday, until May, when I joined another community. Met some people, made friends, was a bit happy. Then I met a girl online. If you read my Relationship help thread, then you already know
We got to know each other more than the rest, and we're now in love, trying to make something work.

But nothing will work. 3 weeks in, we're probably breaking up. I ****** up. We play in a group, and we use a phone app called whatsapp to talk to the group through the day, and privately to each other. Noone in the group knows about us, and as every online community, it's full of thirsty loners. She already denied 2 of the guys. Today she sent some singing messages on the group about how she likes that im there. I was joking around, telling her to shut up, so for fun she acted like it turned her on and like she was moaning for me beind "rude" to her.

some of the guys found it sexy, and it annoyed me, i got jealous, and I talked to her about it. We fought, because when "I make fun of her its fine, but when she does make fun of me Im taking it serious and fight over nothing". She went to sleep for a bit as she had a long day at work, and when she woke up she told me that she doesnt know what will happen with us as everyday we fight, and that it hurts her and it makes her feel mistreated.

I told her that I love her, that im sorry and that I dont mean it, that ill try my best to make it work and make her feel like a queen. We had a chat of her telling me how I blame it on her and me aggreeing as I know I **** up. Then i asked her what she wants to do with us and she told me to not force her to answer it, as i'll not like it.



I'm feeling like ****. I alredy cried my eyes dry. I already cut both my arms, using the physical pain to counter the one in my heart.
At the moment of typing this I've had half a vodka bottle and waiting on a "friend" to pick me up and go get ****** up, drink until i feel nothing.

I dont know what I'll do if I'll lose her. I sound pathetic, I know, but she's the only reason I wake up. Without her, I'm done. I'm gonna give her her space for tonight, I believe that she'll decide to be with me. If not, well... ****

I've been praying a lot. I used to be religious until my friend suicided, I felt that God abandoned me then. Now, I pray every day. I feel there is someone listening to me, and actually helping me. All my prayers have been answered so far. I really hope this one will as well...



I'm sorry for the long thread. It may get closed or whatever, but I really needed to talk to someone. IRL, noone will hear me. My family wont understand, they'll probably use the "it's the video games" card and take my PC away. My friends... well, I got none. The 2 people I consider friends, are just 2 guys from highschool that we go grab some drinks and play some billiard once every 2 weeks or something. THey got girlfriends, jobs and area about to graduate, they wont care about my ****
Doctors... hell no. I tried 3, all just gave me medicine. I hated it, it was messing with my mind (yes even more). I just need someone to love and love me back, and I got that girl if she stayes with me. I need someone to talk to, and these forums is it. Most of you probably dont give a ****, but I really needed to open my heart.

If you think i'm just another stupid pathetic coward, that prefers to cry and cut about everything instead of being strong and fight, you're right. I'm not strong anymore. My feelings are like a timebomb, ready to explode. One day I'm happy, productive, painting and writting music, the next I'm considering jumping off my roof.


Thanks for your time. I'm out for now, I'll check this again in 3-4 hours.

I'm sorry if it;s in the wrong section.


Any help is accepted, I really need it.

if anyone wishes to be my friend, chat and stuff, PM me with your skype or any other contact details you wish.


Thank you <3

aww damn where the hell are u man I need a buddy like u to get wasted with

 

[Erevetot]

a question to anyone reading this

do you ever feel that you want to be depressed? That deep inside, a part of you is so used in all this suffering and pain, that it's too scared to move on, to feel happy?
That no matter how hard you fight it, a part of you wants to go back to the well known feeling of pain and sadness, instead of moving on?

thats how it feels everytime im making progress

 

[Mr Seal The Albatros]

I see what you mean, somewhat. What would you say your reaction to change is? Personally, I've found change rather uncomfortable and when I can keep something the same, I usually do. Maybe take small steps at a time to get a bit used to the change? Or maybe allow yourself to be a bit sad every once in a while, but maybe use a milder form of sadness so you don't harm yourself?

I don't have any good advice myself and I don't know if mine will work very well, but I understand what you mean. Take care dear.

 

[Erevetot]

Thank you for taking time to read and reply, trust me, that by itself is great help

I know im stubborn and despise change if im not the one making it. I hate not being in control of me and my life.

See, when I fell in this dark place, everything was against me. Blaming myself for not seeing that my brother would suicide 7 years ago, hating myself for all the people that loved me and i hurt and pushed away, hated myself for being so lonely even if i was not alone... It was a big and bad change. I still have these things haunting me, and fairly. They ARE my fault, as is the end of my most serious relationship, the fact that i wont graduate the university i struggle to get into, that i dont have a job and everyone thats hiring is looking for skills i aint got...
Now though, I believe that it wasnt really a change, but the real me coming out. At the time i was a teenager, 16-17, I acted rough, not giving a damn, etc, but now i feel comfortable with loving, being sensitive, care about others etc.


What Im trying to do now is pull myself out of this. Im not trying to change the way i am, but the way i feel.
I cant avoid the times when i just randomly cry, or cant even function and get out of bed. but instead of thinking the best solution is to end me, i try to calm myself and think that i can make it better in another way

These have been my last 2-3 weeks, me fighting...me
i know that it wont change overnight, it'll take a long time. the problem is, i dont know how much i can take it, for how much i can keep lying to myself to try and get out of this

and thats when it feels like a part of me is so used to it, that it doesnt want to change it. that a part of me is so used on crying, feeling bad all the time, that im scared to feel loved or happy, that its better to stay on the feelings i know, that feel something else, even i its better, even if its what im craving for

 

[EveWasFramed]

I hate not being in control of me and my life.

How much control do any of us really have over our lives? I think sometimes that fact that we feel we have no control contributes to the issue.
Most people's lives are precarious, at best. I think learning how to accept that and just doing the best you can is all anyone can do really.

 

[lifestream]

The only thing in life that we can really master is ourselves. Once you achieve that (on any level, great or small), I believe that everything else becomes a little easier. The sadness you feel will always be there, I regret to say, but after a while it will become a kind of white noise and you will move past it.

 

[Erevetot]

I hate not being in control of me and my life.

How much control do any of us really have over our lives? I think sometimes that fact that we feel we have no control contributes to the issue.
Most people's lives are precarious, at best. I think learning how to accept that and just doing the best you can is all anyone can do really.

I know that i cant control what will happen to me, what others will make me feel, or what my future will bring.

what i hate is that myself is doing stuff i cant control.
e.g my last relationship. for some stupid reason, my emotions took over me and accidentaly started the arguement that ended us. I had no control of me, it felt like someone took over my body and texted her. when i managed to calm me down and control me, it was too late
Or when i must do something, like attend a class, or study, or go to an interview for a possible job, and isntead of getting ready my body just collapses, and i end up on my bed, crying, cancelling everything.

thats what im trying to prevent and change. im trying to control me again, as at moments i feel like a stranger in my own body and soul

 

[SophiaGrace]

Thank you for taking time to read and reply, trust me, that by itself is great help

I know im stubborn and despise change if im not the one making it. I hate not being in control of me and my life.

See, when I fell in this dark place, everything was against me. Blaming myself for not seeing that my brother would suicide 7 years ago, hating myself for all the people that loved me and i hurt and pushed away, hated myself for being so lonely even if i was not alone... It was a big and bad change. I still have these things haunting me, and fairly. They ARE my fault, as is the end of my most serious relationship, the fact that i wont graduate the university i struggle to get into, that i dont have a job and everyone thats hiring is looking for skills i aint got...
Now though, I believe that it wasnt really a change, but the real me coming out. At the time i was a teenager, 16-17, I acted rough, not giving a damn, etc, but now i feel comfortable with loving, being sensitive, care about others etc.


What Im trying to do now is pull myself out of this. Im not trying to change the way i am, but the way i feel.
I cant avoid the times when i just randomly cry, or cant even function and get out of bed. but instead of thinking the best solution is to end me, i try to calm myself and think that i can make it better in another way

These have been my last 2-3 weeks, me fighting...me
i know that it wont change overnight, it'll take a long time. the problem is, i dont know how much i can take it, for how much i can keep lying to myself to try and get out of this

and thats when it feels like a part of me is so used to it, that it doesnt want to change it. that a part of me is so used on crying, feeling bad all the time, that im scared to feel loved or happy, that its better to stay on the feelings i know, that feel something else, even i its better, even if its what im craving for

It sounds like you could change. You're just scared of the unknown.

Is that right?

 

[Erevetot]

It sounds like you could change. You're just scared of the unknown.

Is that right?

i really dont know. I think, im more scared of feeling happy and then getting hurt and go back in the pain again. I think, that that's what's stopping me, the fact that im so used to feel bad, so im scared to get "uncomfortable" with it, and then get back in it

but these are words that i say to myself everyday. that that's life, you have your good and bad moments. and thats how i kept myself here the last weeks, by keep saying the same thing over and over until i believe it

 

[VanillaCreme]

what i hate is that myself is doing stuff i cant control.
e.g my last relationship. for some stupid reason, my emotions took over me and accidentaly started the arguement that ended us. I had no control of me, it felt like someone took over my body and texted her. when i managed to calm me down and control me, it was too late
Or when i must do something, like attend a class, or study, or go to an interview for a possible job, and isntead of getting ready my body just collapses, and i end up on my bed, crying, cancelling everything.

thats what im trying to prevent and change. im trying to control me again, as at moments i feel like a stranger in my own body and soul

I suppose this is easy for me to say because it's actually what I do, but you have to take a step back and think about things. Know what you're going to do before you do it. If you feel yourself wanting to argue, or if you're already in an argument, just stop. Take a deep breath, and think for a moment.

I do this now, but I didn't always. I would jump at an argument the first chance I got. But now I just think to myself, "Is this really worth arguing about?" or I wonder if it's really beneficial to anyone (not just me) to try and solidify my ideas. When I talk to people who are too stubborn to realize anything else but their own thoughts, I just let them go. Especially over little things or things that don't have anything to do with me.

It's not that I'm tired of arguing, I'm just tired of putting up with some of the attitudes that some people have when someone's just trying to help them out a little bit. I've had that thrown at me one too many times, and I'm tired of dealing with it. So I let things go.

For things like interviews and such, I'm all for that. I think it's because my organizational skills are very good, and I like being prepared for things. My mom has always called me a secretary.

 

[SophiaGrace]

It sounds like you could change. You're just scared of the unknown.

Is that right?

i really dont know. I think, im more scared of feeling happy and then getting hurt and go back in the pain again. I think, that that's what's stopping me, the fact that im so used to feel bad, so im scared to get "uncomfortable" with it, and then get back in it

but these are words that i say to myself everyday. that that's life, you have your good and bad moments. and thats how i kept myself here the last weeks, by keep saying the same thing over and over until i believe it

You know, this may sound silly but I think it's awesome you can even feel happiness at all. You have that option. Other people might not.

That gives me hope for you.