Dilemma: Approaching Shy Girls

[TheSolitaryMan]

Hey all,

Sorry, I feel a bit like I'm always clogging up the boards with all my queries. I hope everyone doesn't mind :s

If it's too long, I've bolded the important bits

I'm in a really awkward position right now. There are two girls I'm interested in as potential girlfriends (or at least to get to know them better), but I'm completely stuck on how to approach the situation.

First there's Girl A, whom I've mentioned before a few times: She's very sweet, pretty, kind and friendly. Seems to find me attractive and she frequently sort of cuddles up to me a bit. She works with me day-to-day, sits with me a lot and also invites me to hang around with her.

I like her, definitely. However, she has some seriously weird stuff going on in her personal life right now and doesn't seem stable at all with regards to all that. She'll disappear for weeks at a time with no explanation, but seem keen on being with me when she gets back. It's very confusing, but she's had quite a rough past so I'm trying not to be judgemental.

It's stopping me asking her out, plain and simple, because I'm so uninformed with what's going on there. I have no idea what she feels for me now, only that she still likes talking to me it would seem.

Then there's Girl B. This sounds dumb, but Girl B holds a special place in my heart.

She went to the same school as me ages ago and I've known her for about 7-8 years as a result. I always fancied her that whole time, she was kind of like my huge crush in my teens.

However, I was overweight back then and had very low confidence (even more so than these days). I never asked her out or even talked to her beyond friendly chit-chat.

She always liked me, but I got the impression my physical appearance put her off a bit. She's also ridiculously shy, she hardly ever talks to guys outside her immediate "friend circle".

Anyway, I remember thinking at the end of my time at secondary "Damn, I wish I'd asked her out. I'm never going to see her again." It was such a sad thought.

As fate would have it, out of all the further education places in the country, she then happened to go to mine. I only bumped into her again recently and it was the first time she'd seen me since I lost a load of weight.

I think she must have liked my appearance, though I'm not certain. She sort of did a double-take, then when she realised it was me she came over and started talking to me really enthusiastically. About 10 minutes later she came over again and introduced me to all her new friends, but then she had to go.

She was very smiley, forthright and chatty, which was a stark contrast to how she used to just go quiet near me all that time ago.

I recently got a message from her saying how much she enjoyed seeing me again, which was really surprising given her shyness. She's extremely pretty and nice, but I don't think she's ever had a boyfriend due to how quiet she is. In that respect, she's sort of the perfect first partner for me.

So I feel like this is fate giving me a kick in the rear to finally ask her for a proper chat or something, but she's so shy, I have no idea how to approach her. The last thing I want to do is suddenly ask her out, after not talking for a few years.

Any ideas on how I should approach this situation, or what I should do regarding each girl? If I try to get closer to Girl B, I risk upsetting or alienating Girl A, who is also really nice to me. I don't want to hurt her feelings, especially since I feel quite close to her now.

However, if I do nothing with Girl B, I risk forever losing that one chance at the girl I've liked for years - which sounds awful to me, especially now that she seems to be more attracted to me too. At present, I don't even see Girl B often or have her number, so taking that first step to get more contact with her sort of worries me as well.

It feels like a catch-22 situation, any words of advice would really be appreciated

 

[FreedomFromLiberty]

Hey all,

Sorry, I feel a bit like I'm always clogging up the boards with all my queries. I hope everyone doesn't mind :s

If it's too long, I've bolded the important bits

I quite enjoy reading the long ones. Feel free to post as much as you want

But considering your dilemma here, I think it's worth pointing out that you wrote far more about Girl B than Girl A, which I take as an indicator that you're a little bit more into her. Anywho, I think you should try asking them both out, because you never know if one of them might turn you down for no apparent reason. Just ask them each on a date. Doing that doesn't automatically put you into a committed relationship.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Hey all,

Sorry, I feel a bit like I'm always clogging up the boards with all my queries. I hope everyone doesn't mind :s

If it's too long, I've bolded the important bits

I quite enjoy reading the long ones. Feel free to post as much as you want

But considering your dilemma here, I think it's worth pointing out that you wrote far more about Girl B than Girl A, which I take as an indicator that you're a little bit more into her. Anywho, I think you should try asking them both out, because you never know if one of them might turn you down for no apparent reason. Just ask them each on a date. Doing that doesn't automatically put you into a committed relationship.

That's true, thanks for making that point

I really like A, I didn't type so much about her because I've already mentioned her in a few other threads

She seems to like me, definitely, and I'd say it's a clearer that she likes me than B because recently I've spent a lot more time with her.

But B, I've got that history of being attracted to and she seems ideal for me at the moment, while the other girl has all sorts of issues that make it awkward.

I complimented A a while ago on her appearance and she seemed so happy, it really pleased me too. It's moments like that which make me feel bad for not asking her out, but then I think "Well, I don't even know for sure that she's single" and "She won't tell me what's bothering her...why?"

So A's really nice and I find her extremely attractive. It's just more that I don't want to emotionally go to town for a girl who can't commit back to me, that's what really gets me there.

Thanks for the reply, you made some very interesting points. For some reason I feel all uncomfortable with the idea of dating both, although there's nothing really wrong with it

 

[FreedomFromLiberty]

Hey all,

Sorry, I feel a bit like I'm always clogging up the boards with all my queries. I hope everyone doesn't mind :s

If it's too long, I've bolded the important bits

I quite enjoy reading the long ones. Feel free to post as much as you want

But considering your dilemma here, I think it's worth pointing out that you wrote far more about Girl B than Girl A, which I take as an indicator that you're a little bit more into her. Anywho, I think you should try asking them both out, because you never know if one of them might turn you down for no apparent reason. Just ask them each on a date. Doing that doesn't automatically put you into a committed relationship.

That's true, thanks for making that point

I really like A, I didn't type so much about her because I've already mentioned her in a few other threads

She seems to like me, definitely, and I'd say it's a clearer that she likes me than B because recently I've spent a lot more time with her.

But B, I've got that history of being attracted to and she seems ideal for me at the moment, while the other girl has all sorts of issues that make it awkward.

I complimented A a while ago on her appearance and she seemed so happy, it really pleased me too. It's moments like that which make me feel bad for not asking her out, but then I think "Well, I don't even know for sure that she's single" and "She won't tell me what's bothering her...why?"

So A's really nice and I find her extremely attractive. It's just more that I don't want to emotionally go to town for a girl who can't commit back to me, that's what really gets me there.

Thanks for the reply, you made some very interesting points. For some reason I feel all uncomfortable with the idea of dating both, although there's nothing really wrong with it

Neither girl has clearly indicated that she is interested in you as a boyfriend. Also, neither girl has committed themselves to you. Until one of them has clearly indicated that they are interested in you, why should you cut off your options? Neither of these girls are probably going to clearly show that they like you until you take the first step by asking them on a date or something. So in taking the first step with both, you might be able to then see who is really relationship material and who is not.

I understand where you are coming from with not wanting to date two girls at once because it feels like you're not taking either of them seriously. But, I've just grown tired of cutting of MY OPTIONS to appease a girl who could just flake out on me at any moment.

Oh, and Girl A sounds like she could be a flake.


BTW: I'm a cynical ******* so you should ignore everything I just said.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Neither girl has clearly indicated that she is interested in you as a boyfriend.

-

Until one of them has clearly indicated that they are interested in you, why should you cut off your options? Neither of these girls are probably going to clearly show that they like you until you take the first step by asking them on a date or something. So in taking the first step with both, you might be able to then see who is really relationship material and who is not.

-

But, I've just grown tired of cutting of MY OPTIONS to appease a girl who could just flake out on me at any moment.

-

Oh, and Girl A sounds like she could be a flake.

Bolded the bit that easily gives me the most trouble! Goodness me, that question of what a "clear" show of liking is has bugged me for ages now. It's a question that just drives me crazy.

Without going into the tedious details, let's just say that I've had 3 girls in the year and a bit I've been at Uni who basically gave me ridiculously intense signals, but then couldn't seem to make up their minds

Anyway, Girl A has made some rather overt moves towards me. Sorry if I'm repeating myself here, I forget in which threads I've said what

Months ago I caught her staring a bit, that was followed by her sort of holding her hands against mine, then she even nudged me with her chest a bit. Since then she keeps asking me to have coffee with her and things like that, she's also been asking more about my personal life.

Yet it's sort of like something is stopping her from getting any more friendly with me, it's so hard to explain. The other day, for example, she called me over to talk to her, then started saying how we should get together and have a good chat. I agreed.

Next day...she didn't turn up to studies again, for no apparent reason. It sounds like something's really hurting her, or making her life stressful, but I don't understand why she doesn't tell me what's going on...unless she thinks it'll change my opinion of her, of course!

Girl B, it's a vague hope that she likes me. I'm fairly sure she does, just based on our short chat and the way she was smiling at me. She actually looked disappointed that we couldn't talk more. I'm not "I want to ask her out" sure, but certainly "I'd like to restablish proper friendship" sure.

But you're very right, indeed, neither of them has said specifically that they see me that way. I'm sick and tired of being uncertain with girls though, it's a recurring (and highly irritating) problem that I've had it to the eyeballs with. I can't seem to just meet a girl that likes me and has no other background issues!

I too am fed up of compromising my options for girls that let me down or stay very indecisive. You sound just like me there

I just think, if Girl A is cuddling up to me, sort of rubbing her arms against mine (that's the latest thing now) and so on, how on Earth can I be any more certain that she likes me?

That's the million pound question I suppose, and unfortunately I'm out of answers

 

[Ak5]

You got to make a gamble. Think about it all strategically.

Girl A likes you, Girl B holds a special place in your heart. You said you regretted not asking Girl B out, but you now have a chance to do so; your shy, she's shy, seems like a good match lol.

If I were you I'd ask Girl B out. What can you lose? If it works out with Girl B, both of you will be happy, and if it doesn't work out, Girl A is obviously into you! And don't worry alienating Girl A, she's outgoing by the looks of it, she'll be able to get a boyfriend; Girl B on the other hand, is shy, so you guys are perfect for each other.

Good luck.

 

[Okiedokes]

Girl B! You've known her much longer and you said it yourself..she's the perfect girl for you. Maybe you could ask her to hang out sometime, in a non-date like manner of asking. Nothing too quick sort of thing, if she's that shy. Gives you two time to catch up on things.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Girl B! You've known her much longer and you said it yourself..she's the perfect girl for you. Maybe you could ask her to hang out sometime, in a non-date like manner of asking. Nothing too quick sort of thing, if she's that shy. Gives you two time to catch up on things.

Thanks Okiedokes, I'll try to contact her.

I'll ask if she wants to get a coffee, but I just don't want to seem like a creep, you know? Plus given my old feelings for her, I fear that my "creep probability" is higher than usual.

It's been a good two years since we've had a really good chat. If it wasn't for the fact she seemed genuinely pleased to see me I'd be trying to put it out of my mind.

Edit - I've given her my contact details. I was actually shaking a bit when I did it, I feel worried that I'll look like a total idiot

 

[passage]

I don't know if you think women A is shy, to me it seems like she couldn't make it any more blatantly obvious. Note that MOST women will not make the first direct move, but rather hint at it, and hint at it, and hint at it (like women A), and if you don't make a move eventually, she will move on because she doesn't think you are interested.

As for women B, she sounds great, but I find that with shy girls you have to be more outgoing (opposites attract) and take the lead a lot more (play the old fashioned role of a man).

Also congrats on losing the weight, I know it is very hard.

 

[Missing]

SolitaryMan just read your thread and come on ...please don't be like MY guy.You've nothing to lose.Follow your heart.If u get the feeling she likes you then she probably does.Ask her out.Better than spend your life wondering about it...(don't tell me to take my own advice though )

 

[Okiedokes]

Girl B! You've known her much longer and you said it yourself..she's the perfect girl for you. Maybe you could ask her to hang out sometime, in a non-date like manner of asking. Nothing too quick sort of thing, if she's that shy. Gives you two time to catch up on things.

Thanks Okiedokes, I'll try to contact her.

I'll ask if she wants to get a coffee, but I just don't want to seem like a creep, you know? Plus given my old feelings for her, I fear that my "creep probability" is higher than usual.

It's been a good two years since we've had a really good chat. If it wasn't for the fact she seemed genuinely pleased to see me I'd be trying to put it out of my mind.

Edit - I've given her my contact details. I was actually shaking a bit when I did it, I feel worried that I'll look like a total idiot

Awesome It is step #1 and nahh you shouldn't worry about it too much. It's better to take the chance than to past it up.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Well, Girl A has been very flirty since my last post.

I mentioned a long time ago in an off-hand comment how I like girls to wear their hair and I've noticed she's started styling it like that now...it looks nothing short of awesome :shy:

As ridiculous as it sounds, I was talking to her in the middle of a busy room the other day and with the combination of her lovely hair and the way her eyes were looking into mine, I just felt like kissing her there and then!

She's also started saying things to me every now and then that sound really suggestive, though sometimes I wonder if I'm imagining it. The other day she said something with a really rude double entendre that immediately made me blush outright, but she had such a wonderful poker face at the time that I still have no clue if she meant it like that

At the same time though, I have my same doubts. I mean, we'll be chatting and I feel like we get on really well. Then she'll say something that turns me off a bit - the other day she said she doesn't really worry/care too much about her health in the present or future, for example.

She is slim and attractive, so it surprised me to hear her have that attitude about her own body. I guess she was sort of trying to make casual chit-chat? But immediately I thought "Well, I want to be with a girl that looks after her well-being, why's she telling me she doesn't look after herself?"

Girl A made it evident she is single on her social media a few days ago (after we had spent quite a bit of time that day together), but then immediately took that status away again afterwards. So I think maybe that guy is hassling her about a past relationship of some kind, it's all quite awkward.

Girl B, by contrast, has not responded yet. But I think she's busy with work from what I can tell, I don't even know if she's got my message with my details yet.

I'm becoming more and more inclined to ask Girl A out to see a movie with me or something. She's so damn pretty and it's so nice to cuddle up with her, however covert it may be right now. I also enjoy chatting with her and joking around.

I just fear that in the long-term I won't be right for her, because of these little moments between us that occasionally grate against my views on things. What do you guys and girls think?

 

[Ak5]

I'm thinking you should take initiative!

Don't give a **** about what happens, just ask her out!.

 

[Okiedokes]

Those little things that you see now will matter more in serious relationships and marriage. But did she really mean she doesn't care about her health? It all depends on if you think you can see past these little things. I didn't know there was a guy involved wh A, I mean..in the picture or past. I guess I'd be a little concerned about that if he's involved in anyway. I don't like to be a downer but just saying things to be aware of which you sound like you are anyways. I will say though...Girl A sounds more interested in you these days and if you have a good feeling overall about her then that may be the choice.

 

[geordy70]

BEFORE you try anything with Girl A, you should first find out what she is trying to hide. I have had problems with girls who flirt with me and i go out with them only to find out that the secret was her bad history with flirting with multiple men at the same time. Im not saying that this is what Girl A is doing but at least try to find out more about her before you go for it. This might just be my own fear from my own experience but im just going to put this out there.

 

[FreedomFromLiberty]

BEFORE you try anything with Girl A, you should first find out what she is trying to hide. I have had problems with girls who flirt with me and i go out with them only to find out that the secret was her bad history with flirting with multiple men at the same time. Im not saying that this is what Girl A is doing but at least try to find out more about her before you go for it. This might just be my own fear from my own experience but im just going to put this out there.

I agree with this. Some girls seem to take flirting really casually and do it with EVERYBODY. Which defeats the point of it and just confuses the **** out of guys. Flirting is how you let a guy or girl know you like LIKE them...

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Thanks for the advice and warnings guys, much appreciated

I definitely don't intend to get "serious" quickly, so hopefully risk to my feelings and so on is quite minimal.

She gave me her contact details recently and invited me to hang out with her, so that was sweet.

She doesn't seem like the sort to flirt with lots of guys at once (I've certainly never seen her flirt with other guys when I'm around), but I'm not fully happy with getting more-than-friendly with her until I know exactly what her status is with all that stuff.

I feel like she's a good friend at least though, so right now I'm just enjoying being friends and occasionally having her get a little bit more cuddly ^^

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Sorry to keep reviving this thread guys. I'm so conflicted at present

Unfortunately, I'm losing my emotional distance and starting to like Girl A quite a lot, which is a bit of a nightmare.

I don't like getting too close to people, because I just know what's going to happen - I'll start to like her, probably find out she's unavailable or didn't really like me that way, feel really guilty, etc.

I can't quite make out what she thinks of me to be honest. Maybe I'm just being dense here? :\

When I first go in every day, I've noticed she always catches my eye and smiles at me. She's also been complimenting me lately about how I look and being supportive about my work choices.

After I offered some help with something, she said I was "Really sweet" and genuinely seemed a bit touched. A couple of days later, she waited around for me for about 15 minutes, just to chat a bit.

The thing is...perhaps she just considers herself a really good friend, nothing more? She doesn't behave so openly with her other male friends though. She also sometimes brushes against me, but ignores me if I apologise, like she meant to do it.

After several months, I should probably know what's going on, but I don't. I just don't understand this stuff I guess

What's worse is that we're both so busy at the moment, it's not like I can ask her out. I...just don't have a clue.

I wish life was simple :\