Dream Vs Reality…

[NoxApex(N/A)]

I guess thats interesting, if your goals aline with being alone then… why not?
I honestly think a lot of men would probably like to choose the Bachelor life style. I see nothing wrong with that.

I don't know if I'd really call surviving off of minimalism with low income "the Bachelor life style."
When you're eating mostly ramen noodles, canned chicken with some mayo and spices mixed up for protein, and coffee and water for drinks, chronically financially stuck between trying to afford an apartment or a car but never able to afford both, I really don't think there's much "bachelor" to it. No woman is going to go for that, and I know that.

My lifestyle is more of a spiritual and practical one. That's why I'm so heavily studied. Knowledge is both my hobby and my therapy as a more positive coping mechanism. Yes, I did time on the road as a touring musician in a magical caravan for a while, but that's even less of a sustainable lifestyle than this one that I'm living now.

I'm about practicalities. I need someone or something that will help make my life easier and better, and when you're a man, you mostly just inherit responsibilities and labor. I'm labored and responsible enough, it's just a matter of practicality to me. Since I have no help, like at all, about all I can do is make the best of it.

And the way that I primed myself to make the best of it, was by gauging my life in the direction of my strengths.
My strengths just don't happen to net me financial wealth and women.

Women get drawn to me, but it's almost always a temporary fleeting thing, and I'd rather just pass on hookup culture, seems like more trouble than it's worth, further increases the chances of me messing my life up.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I don't know if I'd really call surviving off of minimalism with low income "the Bachelor life style."
When you're eating mostly ramen noodles, canned chicken with some mayo and spices mixed up for protein, and coffee and water for drinks, chronically financially stuck between trying to afford an apartment or a car but never able to afford both, I really don't think there's much "bachelor" to it. No woman is going to go for that, and I know that.

My lifestyle is more of a spiritual and practical one. That's why I'm so heavily studied. Knowledge is both my hobby and my therapy as a more positive coping mechanism. Yes, I did time on the road as a touring musician in a magical caravan for a while, but that's even less of a sustainable lifestyle than this one that I'm living now.

I'm about practicalities. I need someone or something that will help make my life easier and better, and when you're a man, you mostly just inherit responsibilities and labor. I'm labored and responsible enough, it's just a matter of practicality to me. Since I have no help, like at all, about all I can do is make the best of it.

And the way that I primed myself to make the best of it, was by gauging my life in the direction of my strengths.
My strengths just don't happen to net me financial wealth and women.

Women get drawn to me, but it's almost always a temporary fleeting thing, and I'd rather just pass on hookup culture, seems like more trouble than it's worth, further increases the chances of me messing my life up.

Interesting, I do respect this perspective as well if I was a financially challenged man I would also stay single.

As my reason to be in a relationship is to have children I cant date men who havent got their finances together and I wouldnt want a man struggling to afford me, not eating to buy me things I want… I know men that would do that just not to be alone, surely the better option is to be alone?

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Interesting, I do respect this perspective as well if I was a financially challenged man I would also stay single.

As my reason to be in a relationship is to have children I cant date men who havent got their finances together and I wouldnt want a man struggling to afford me, not eating to buy me things I want… I know men that would do that just not to be alone, surely the better option is to be alone?

A man has to be comfortable with himself in order to be confident.
And that's the thing: Money can't buy confidence.
It can mask it, you can fake it until you make it with status symbols and whatnot.
But I don't know anybody that's actually pulling it off through money man or woman, introvert or extrovert, by extrapolating confidence directly from finance, millionaire businessmen I've worked for included.

Essentially, everything about me eventually equates to Death, and my spiritual practice of Death Worship.
It is not an evil or malign practice or understanding to me, but instead simply the second main cog in the giant clock that we call a living experience, that of the Death Experience, or but a differential. Death is just what gives life meaning to me, it is universally understood throughout the entire species on a base level, but on a deeper level, as a living being you have to eventually realize that and make peace with that somehow, right?

For MOST people, it's dealt with through reproduction.
I love other peoples kids, Hell, I'm an uncle myself, but I lack the patience to actually nurture a child properly, as well as the resources. I love teaching a young and inquiring mind, but parenthood just isn't for me in the similar way that my own spiritual practices are not for others, which is why it's a personal practice and I don't try to congregate.

Even my confidence comes from that, because that's what makes me comfortable.
They call it The Great Equalizer for a reason.
It tends to humble our species.

Your average joe is going to be too emotionally coiled around whatever moral and materialistic values he has, I'm not like that. I'm the opposite of that. I have questionable morals, and I question the value of materialism beyond that of necessities. Being able to separate Want from Need is an important developmental skill to have in life, one that you don't really acquire unless you actually apply yourself to trying to do so as a practice.

So even though it makes more logical sense to be alone as a man for financial reasons and reasons of reducing your labors and responsibilities, most men tend to be too emotionally compromised by their inner personal conflicts in order to be able to separate wanting a woman from needing a woman.

And I can speak to that from experience, because I used to be that guy, until I pulled my head out of my ***.

 

[sparkyn98]

I love my fella but I cant help but wish he was a bit more this… and a bit less that sometimes. I just wonder if that is toxic or that is compromise? I cant really tell, as im still here, his… even though there are things I dislike. Even though I wish he could be more… different.

I would not say this is "toxic" behavior. Trying to manipulate him into changing probably would be. Just wanting him to be different, not so much.
However, I will say that from certain things you have said here and there.... I think, he's just not the ONE for you. Now, knowing that and moving forward, "just in the moment".... are there enough good moments, loving moments that it is WORTH your time?

I'm saying if you're enjoying being in the moment with him, then STAY in the moment with him.
If you're spending all your time wondering if he's the one.... respectfully, he's not.
And you owe it to him AND yourself to vocalize that.

He MAY surprise you when/if you have a talk with him.... he may ask what you want/need and he then may try to adapt and provide it. But, time will tell if he can truly sustain being that new man.

No one person is perfect. Everyone has baggage or flaws or a bit of brokeness. You just need to determine where your happy place is. Personally, I think, if a person isn't happy alone, a partner isn't going to change that. People aren't responsible for our happiness. They can only add to it.

Good luck, sweety!!

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I would not say this is "toxic" behavior. Trying to manipulate him into changing probably would be. Just wanting him to be different, not so much.
However, I will say that from certain things you have said here and there.... I think, he's just not the ONE for you. Now, knowing that and moving forward, "just in the moment".... are there enough good moments, loving moments that it is WORTH your time?

I'm saying if you're enjoying being in the moment with him, then STAY in the moment with him.
If you're spending all your time wondering if he's the one.... respectfully, he's not.
And you owe it to him AND yourself to vocalize that.

He MAY surprise you when/if you have a talk with him.... he may ask what you want/need and he then may try to adapt and provide it. But, time will tell if he can truly sustain being that new man.

No one person is perfect. Everyone has baggage or flaws or a bit of brokeness. You just need to determine where your happy place is. Personally, I think, if a person isn't happy alone, a partner isn't going to change that. People aren't responsible for our happiness. They can only add to it.

Good luck, sweety!!

I like what you wrote, this resinates a lot with me…I wish I was better at knowing me sometimes… i really feel like a broken girl and I want my fella to be strong enough to hold me up, but thats a lot of pressure to put on someone… its just the two of us are in love but he’s in love with the old me… and im in love with the fact that he still sees her when he looks at me… but I dont know if thats enough to last on..

 

[Nicolelt]

You never had a dream partner! Your dreams must be soo boring I’m joking, but like my dream partner isnt perfect, he’s just everything I want in a man, with a few alterations to keep my parents happy lol thats all… I cant help but wonder if I build a life with my current partner and dream guy walks along… have I ruined my life?

I guess in my case I already found him...? I don't know, I just wanted to conquer the world with, and that is what I have. Maybe my list isn't as long as yours when it comes to my ideal.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I guess in my case I already found him...? I don't know, I just wanted to conquer the world with, and that is what I have. Maybe my list isn't as long as yours when it comes to my ideal.

Ugh you’re soooo luckyyyy I have never met anyone with a list as long as mine I just want someone who makes me feel safe and sexy… all at the same time

 

[sparkyn98]

I like what you wrote, this resinates a lot with me…I wish I was better at knowing me sometimes… i really feel like a broken girl and I want my fella to be strong enough to hold me up, but thats a lot of pressure to put on someone… its just the two of us are in love but he’s in love with the old me… and im in love with the fact that he still sees her when he looks at me… but I dont know if thats enough to last on..

Well, this is a really tough spot you guys are in... a person should be able to stand beside you and support you and help hold you up in the really hard times, but if you feel broken, he can't "fix" it for you. If your brokeness stems from a lack of ever feeling trust and love, he may be able to "love you" long enough to start to mend your heart, but most people aren't capable of fixing someone on their own, or, unfortunately, sustaining that kind of reassuring love endlessly. They will begin to get drained and feel broken themselves.

You mention he sees the old you. Do you WANT to be the old you? What is stopping you from being her? Why do you think he only sees her and not the new you?

Sorry... I can't post at work and don't get much opportunity at night to get on here. I'm not an actual therapist, I just play one on tv.... LOLOL

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Well, this is a really tough spot you guys are in... a person should be able to stand beside you and support you and help hold you up in the really hard times, but if you feel broken, he can't "fix" it for you. If your brokeness stems from a lack of ever feeling trust and love, he may be able to "love you" long enough to start to mend your heart, but most people aren't capable of fixing someone on their own, or, unfortunately, sustaining that kind of reassuring love endlessly. They will begin to get drained and feel broken themselves.

You mention he sees the old you. Do you WANT to be the old you? What is stopping you from being her? Why do you think he only sees her and not the new you?

Sorry... I can't post at work and don't get much opportunity at night to get on here. I'm not an actual therapist, I just play one on tv.... LOLOL

Im broken because I was attacked im still under the impression I died or a part of me died during and now… here I am.. a zombie… still me but… not me.

I want to be the old confident me, but shes soo gone, the fact that he still treats me like im that girl, still knows what to say to make me feel like im me… im pretty… idk i cant let go of it. Also we have a mini family with his daughter you know so it just feels like home being with him.

im deffo not the old me though my therapist said I probably never will be… i stutter when i speak, have a brain injury, uhmm one of my eyes are slightly bigger than the bloody other which bothers me more than more serious things as I was a model so idk… im lost..i want my fella to be “man enough” for me… he always used to be but i feel like i need soo much man to feel safe again… like you know? Idk…

 

[sparkyn98]

Im broken because I was attacked im still under the impression I died or a part of me died during and now… here I am.. a zombie… still me but… not me.

I want to be the old confident me, but shes soo gone, the fact that he still treats me like im that girl, still knows what to say to make me feel like im me… im pretty… idk i cant let go of it. Also we have a mini family with his daughter you know so it just feels like home being with him.

im deffo not the old me though my therapist said I probably never will be… i stutter when i speak, have a brain injury, uhmm one of my eyes are slightly bigger than the bloody other which bothers me more than more serious things as I was a model so idk… im lost..i want my fella to be “man enough” for me… he always used to be but i feel like i need soo much man to feel safe again… like you know? Idk…

Oh sweety. I'm so very sorry. I know there are no words. Abuse is the hardest thing to try to "bounce back" from because there simply is NO bounce.
I can see why you would now want your man to be a superhero. But, what your counselor should be helping you to see is... even superheroes don't always win.
Even Tony Stark died in the end....

The sad and scary truth is that anyone can be gone at any moment and bad things happen to good people every minute of every day.
I totally understand wanting to hold on to the comfort of the feeling of "home" with the people who were with you prior to the attack.

I will totally be praying for you and sending you tons of positive vibes and energy!!
Keep working with the therapist. And if it doesn't seem like you're moving forward, change therapists or find some self help books or support groups. Some of my best recovery was in group and crying alone over a journal while reading through a self help book. Just know that you CAN DO THIS!!

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Oh sweety. I'm so very sorry. I know there are no words. Abuse is the hardest thing to try to "bounce back" from because there simply is NO bounce.
I can see why you would now want your man to be a superhero. But, what your counselor should be helping you to see is... even superheroes don't always win.
Even Tony Stark died in the end....

The sad and scary truth is that anyone can be gone at any moment and bad things happen to good people every minute of every day.
I totally understand wanting to hold on to the comfort of the feeling of "home" with the people who were with you prior to the attack.

I will totally be praying for you and sending you tons of positive vibes and energy!!
Keep working with the therapist. And if it doesn't seem like you're moving forward, change therapists or find some self help books or support groups. Some of my best recovery was in group and crying alone over a journal while reading through a self help book. Just know that you CAN DO THIS!!

Awhhh thank you, you are too kind. Its something that impacts my needs a lot, I have always been how I am but its deffo now reached an “increased stage”.

I often feel like whyyyyy why do I have to deal with this, learn how to navigate all this. But just my path, I work with a lot of people to get back to some sort of normality. My fella is a huge part of the old me, like hugee

 

[ardour]

Can you imagine spending the next 20+ years with the person, possibly into old age?

If not, that's your answer. If you can, then think very carefully before chasing after the "dream partner."

edit: sorry about what happened ^

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Can you imagine spending the next 20+ years with the person, possibly into old age?

If not, that's your answer. If you can, then think very carefully before chasing after the "dream partner."

edit: sorry about what happened ^

Hmmm idk I cant imagine id ever leave him so maybeee? Lol i cant even imagine being older without some weird music playing in the background like its some fairytale lol I cant take myself seriously but its a fantasy to me getting older, I imagine i’d be with him and 2 kids but meh lol my reality will probably be veryyyy different, I dont know what is better taking the safest option or throwing caution to the wind?

awh thanks

 

[Finished]

Hmmm idk I cant imagine id ever leave him so maybeee? Lol i cant even imagine being older without some weird music playing in the background like its some fairytale lol I cant take myself seriously but its a fantasy to me getting older, I imagine i’d be with him and 2 kids but meh lol my reality will probably be veryyyy different, I dont know what is better taking the safest option or throwing caution to the wind?

awh thanks

Maybe you'll end up with your own restaurant:

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Lol if i did i’d specialise in something death related like the last meals requested on death row