Drowning

[velvetstories]

I feel like I'm drowning. From all sides.

My life is an absolute ****. Like there's literally nothing for me to hold on to. Nothing to live for. I merely exist. I am pointless. Worthless. I just take up space. I am being abused in all fronts; in my job, in my house, in my family. It's like I was born to be everybody's punching bag. A constant reminder of what a failure I am. I have no career aspects. No ambitions. Nothing I actually want out of life. The single reason I am still here typing is because of my dog. And most of the times, I wish she were dead, so that I can drown myself in pills and never wake up. I've tried it a few times, but I always knew when to stop. Just how much to take. Enough to make everyone worried, but not nearly enough that I'd never wake up from it. I know that one day though, I won't stop. I'm slowly reaching this day. I feel nothing but darkness and pure oblivion in me. I feel comfortable in the dark and the silence is bliss. There's been many occasions where I just stare into nothingness. I just am. I don't want anything. And that's what scares me the most. The emptiness. The absolute emptiness.

 

[TheRealCallie]

What is it you want out of life and what are some steps you can take to getting to where you want to be?

Can you move out from where you live? Can you get a new job? Maybe take some training classes for a better career. If you don't like your life, you need to figure out how you can change it. Find a reason, there is so much to live for.

 

[ManAlone]

I feel exactly the same. Unfortunately there is nothing I can say that would be of any help. Just know that you are not alone. I am in the same boat.

 

[Sarah G]

I'm sorry you feel so bad. I don't have advice but I can empathize, I relate to what you're saying.

 

[SecondStarTotheRight]

I can identify too, but I don't know if knowing that gives you any comfort. Is that what you need? Or do you know what you need?
What if you spent a paragraph writing the opposite sentiments. "I'm alive..."
Maybe you need a reset, whole life change. It's possible. Do you like yourself? Your own company?
It's so easy to embrace the doom. It's more comfortable, that empty darkness in the soul that surrounds you, than the world and other people can be.
But there are ways out other than death, if you seek. There are so many paths.

 

[Sir Joseph]

It used to be that people would go to church on Sundays. Besides worshipping God and fellowshipping with others, they would learn their value and purpose in life, grow in character, gain knowledge and strength to manage worldly problems, and find a healthful joy for the present and future. With less than 10% of people in the UK attending church anymore, it's not surprising that people's lives have become increasingly less meaningful and joyful.

Velvetstories, you can choose to remain in a fog or fight the symptoms with all kinds of worldly activities that might bring some fun, interest, or happiness to your daily life, but I'd suggest that the real joy and meaning to life can only be found by having a close relationship with your Creator.

I won't preach on the subject any more. You can easily dismiss my Christian perspective as most will. But, I'd suggest that your situation is dire enough to warrant consideration for all remedy options. And to make it easy for you, here's an excellent sermon you can watch next Sunday from the comfort of your own private room. It's worth your time to at least hear an enlightening, encouraging word that really could steer your life onto a better path.

 

[JJW]

Our sense of despair is cognitive. It's a feeling.

Imagine if you had no wants. Had no emotional investment in society. Warm, dry and sustenance is all we need to survive. If you had those things in plenty and none of the other baggage could you would you still feel despair?

We can each identify what it is we are seeking. But we tend to not go after it. We allow ourselves to wallow in the idea that life is not giving us happiness. But what's keeping any of us from taking it? Why do we give our power to this imaginary entity we call life and then sit and wait for things to 'go our way.'

Identify what you want and learn to work for it. Keep your power and use it.

This doesn't suggest you become an ass, or follow a path of corruption. It means that you are the only one keeping you from happiness. Life is not against us. But nor is it going to give us anything.

If you don't know your path, if you don't know what it is you want, then just change your routines. Change something. Obviously it's not been working for you. Make any change and see if it points you in a more desirable direction.

Free will. Don't give it away.

 

[Willym]

I feel like I'm drowning. From all sides.

My life is an absolute ****. Like there's literally nothing for me to hold on to. Nothing to live for. I merely exist. I am pointless. Worthless. I just take up space. I am being abused in all fronts; in my job, in my house, in my family. It's like I was born to be everybody's punching bag. A constant reminder of what a failure I am. I have no career aspects. No ambitions. Nothing I actually want out of life. The single reason I am still here typing is because of my dog. And most of the times, I wish she were dead, so that I can drown myself in pills and never wake up. I've tried it a few times, but I always knew when to stop. Just how much to take. Enough to make everyone worried, but not nearly enough that I'd never wake up from it. I know that one day though, I won't stop. I'm slowly reaching this day. I feel nothing but darkness and pure oblivion in me. I feel comfortable in the dark and the silence is bliss. There's been many occasions where I just stare into nothingness. I just am. I don't want anything. And that's what scares me the most. The emptiness. The absolute emptiness.

V, you might be surprised how many of us feel that way. I pretty much have come to the conclusion that we go somewhere else when we go, and this is just a test. I believe in God, but I don't think he pays attention to me, or has more pressing things to deal with. All we can do is our best, take the punches and keep at it. I know that's not an answer, but it's how I deal with it. Maybe if I can handle enough crap, my reward will come later. W.

 

[melancholiciouszeke]

Wish I could give you a hug.

Been fighting this misery for the whole of my life. That. Tired of even trying to talk to anybody me about it.

But yes...it consumes you.
Like what the members shared here.
Little changes to routine maybe.
Sometimes it helps.
There will be days it comes and hits you so hard.
You didn't even see it coming.

Then you lay there.
Immobilised, blank, consumed.

I have kids and a family.
So I have to try every single day of my waking moment getting things moving.

Not matter what hits me.
It hits you harder when the person you thought you could trust and married said they understand the cycles you go through.
How you thought you could stop being afraid and being judged for being consumed by this darkness.

I guess life has it's so called illusions.

All that aside.

I feel you.

When am down and out.
When I drag myself out of bed.
Hide in the bathroom to cry my eyes out and step out like another person.

Deep inside.
I just need a quiet presence beside me.
A hug so I won't feel swept away.
Eaten alive by this maddening bleakness.

That though this dark misery comes in and out of my life.
For that moment...it would have been enough.

In my younger days when I tot death will take away all the pain.

Yet death not want me as well.
It was a hard blow for me.
That I was nothing but flotsom in this life and to know that my failed attempts to die made me even more depressed.

Cause death didn't even want me.
My only consolation was to draw open wounds to ease the pain.

Sorry for the rant dear...

But I guess we all have to deal with life one way of another.
With or without God.

Pray a little virtual hug and empathy will help ease the pain.

I don't have much happy things to share. Most times I feel just too empty to talk about anything.

 

[LaoDing]

What is it you want out of life and what are some steps you can take to getting to where you want to be?

Can you move out from where you live? Can you get a new job? Maybe take some training classes for a better career. If you don't like your life, you need to figure out how you can change it. Find a reason, there is so much to live for.

If your core existence basically has no meaning and you cannot form a mutually gratifying friendship/trust with anyone...if your anxiety is so high that you're freaked sounds like the crunch of dead leaves or the phone ringing, then there is not much space left in your frazzled brain to figure out what you 'want to be.' Often I just want this nightmare to be over. To fall asleep and never wake up. I'm consoled by the knowledge that moment is coming.
My 'life' is not an object of mine. I am my life. A better career? What does that even mean? My life does not seem to have a point. Sure it's a problem but even more than that it's a fact. Earning more profit for the human-machine? More funding is not going to clear up the morass. Spreading kindness might but when I try it I mostly met with suspicion and the 'WTF is wrong with you' glare. I have no friends and I scare people away for some reason. It's fn awful. Can I live in a hippy community in Vermont without screaming right-wingers and their big rifles and disgusting costumes? Or should I just vanish into the woods as a 'Return to Sender?'

 

[kalinatek]

I feel like I'm drowning. From all sides.

My life is an absolute ****. Like there's literally nothing for me to hold on to. Nothing to live for. I merely exist. I am pointless. Worthless. I just take up space. I am being abused in all fronts; in my job, in my house, in my family. It's like I was born to be everybody's punching bag. A constant reminder of what a failure I am. I have no career aspects. No ambitions. Nothing I actually want out of life. The single reason I am still here typing is because of my dog. And most of the times, I wish she were dead, so that I can drown myself in pills and never wake up. I've tried it a few times, but I always knew when to stop. Just how much to take. Enough to make everyone worried, but not nearly enough that I'd never wake up from it. I know that one day though, I won't stop. I'm slowly reaching this day. I feel nothing but darkness and pure oblivion in me. I feel comfortable in the dark and the silence is bliss. There's been many occasions where I just stare into nothingness. I just am. I don't want anything. And that's what scares me the most. The emptiness. The absolute emptiness.

I'm so sorry to hear this, friend.

I have felt a punching bag all my life too, and the emptiness you talk about may be overwhelming. Sometimes I think that the only thing stopping me from leaving this place is my cat and breaking my mom's heart, and it scares me and gives me chills to this day that the only thing preventing me from leaving are those two reasons.

Nevertheless, overcoming these feelings is not impossible. Yes, it consumes you and eats you little by little, and getting out of that hole has been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I had to try exercising, going to therapy, reading and working on myself, listen to podcasts and try psychedelics for the first time.

Have you tried any of these things to help you out?

You are not alone, friend.

 

[U-122]

I feel like I'm drowning. From all sides.

My life is an absolute ****. Like there's literally nothing for me to hold on to. Nothing to live for. I merely exist. I am pointless. Worthless. I just take up space. I am being abused in all fronts; in my job, in my house, in my family. It's like I was born to be everybody's punching bag. A constant reminder of what a failure I am. I have no career aspects. No ambitions. Nothing I actually want out of life. The single reason I am still here typing is because of my dog. And most of the times, I wish she were dead, so that I can drown myself in pills and never wake up. I've tried it a few times, but I always knew when to stop. Just how much to take. Enough to make everyone worried, but not nearly enough that I'd never wake up from it. I know that one day though, I won't stop. I'm slowly reaching this day. I feel nothing but darkness and pure oblivion in me. I feel comfortable in the dark and the silence is bliss. There's been many occasions where I just stare into nothingness. I just am. I don't want anything. And that's what scares me the most. The emptiness. The absolute emptiness.

Job, house, family, dog... wow... i have none of that and never will. I simply exist and have nothing to exist for. But i don't consider myself worthless, a failure, even thought i never had a money-grabbing job. I raised myself right. I don't take up space and oxygen. Others around my do. My perspective is different. Why do you want out? Has anything changed since you posted? If you have a family, i assumed you are/were married, have kid(s)? Why has it gone to **** for you?

 

[Lucylou]

I feel like I'm drowning. From all sides.

My life is an absolute ****. Like there's literally nothing for me to hold on to. Nothing to live for. I merely exist. I am pointless. Worthless. I just take up space. I am being abused in all fronts; in my job, in my house, in my family. It's like I was born to be everybody's punching bag. A constant reminder of what a failure I am. I have no career aspects. No ambitions. Nothing I actually want out of life. The single reason I am still here typing is because of my dog. And most of the times, I wish she were dead, so that I can drown myself in pills and never wake up. I've tried it a few times, but I always knew when to stop. Just how much to take. Enough to make everyone worried, but not nearly enough that I'd never wake up from it. I know that one day though, I won't stop. I'm slowly reaching this day. I feel nothing but darkness and pure oblivion in me. I feel comfortable in the dark and the silence is bliss. There's been many occasions where I just stare into nothingness. I just am. I don't want anything. And that's what scares me the most. The emptiness. The absolute emptiness.

Hmm, I feel so much like you. I have 2 rescue dogs so I just remember that I have a responsibility to them. If I weren't here where would they go, to the dog pound where someone would adopt them and maybe mistreat them? If you don't have a dog then don't judge us. They're the only thing that keep some of us going, they feel our hurt and love unconditionally.

So stay here for your dog and know your loved not judged. I hope things get better for you.