Eggshells - Rant

[alphabet]

My best friend has problems, he is very insecure and doesn't let a lot of people in. I have known him for 9 years and he is truly my best friend. No matter what his problems are, i'll be there for him.

I have always known his behaviour wasn't okay, and it has been bad for a while, but I could always deal with it, besides I am not the most healthy , I try to be, every day again, but I am still flawed. Lately I am having a lot of trouble with my best friend though. He is insecure and needs a lot of reassurence, reassurence I can't give. I am tired, I can't be his source of validation, so I dont give it lately.

He says i secretly dislike him? I answer with ''dude stop.'' Instead of, ''no of course not,''. I just can't anymore. I don't know why. This is my own flaw.

It's not only this, he likes belitteling me. Calling me annoying, or a dirty animal as a joke. I am sensitive, he knows this, and still does that kind of stuff. If it was just as a joke it would be fine, but he does it so much, and so often i get sick of it.

He has apologized a million times for this, but it doesn't become better. It has stayed the same for as long as I can remember.

But the reason I wrote this is because the thing that really makes me sad and angry is the fact I cant be myself anymore. If I say anything too annoying, if I say anything he finds lightly triggering, he gets angry at me and doesn't talk to me for an hour. 4 days ago he shaved himself but missed a spot, it was barely noticable. I told him that it was barely noticable, and he kept saying that everyone could see. I tried to cheer him up and said another 2 times that it wasn't noticable. He got so angry he ignored me for around an hour. I tried to keep the mood light, but the damage was done.

Lately I just keep dealing with him ignoring me when he gets mad at me, for being me.

I have always had to be careful in the past, and had to appeal to my parents. I could never be myself. When I realised the same was with my best friend it broke my heart. I can't do this anymore, it is killing me from the inside. I am not asking him to be a perfect guy, just don't take it out on me please. I am fragile too.

This was long, sorry.

 

[Rohini]

Heya Alphabet

It sucks a lot to have supposed friends treat you this way.. Friendship is supposed to be a 2-way street - when one side isn't exactly the ideal of being 'friend-ly'/supportive than the point of even being friends becomes kind of moot.. heh - have you tried ever honestly having a heart-to-heart with him to explain how his attitude is upsetting you? Oftentimes, being diplomatic and honest in how something hurts you with another person can usually be resolved.......and if it can't be, than I think you have your answer on this supposed friend..

<333

 

[okidoke]

Rohini is right. 2 years ago I had to let a 38 year old friendship go because in the final 5 years or so I just couldn’t take her manner towards me anymore. I miss her, but I’m better off. It’s not a good relationship if you’re suffering. Start your healing now. You can have a conversation with him about it, and he might change for a little while, but this sort of behaviour is ingrained and needs therapy to solve, so without that he’ll be back to his usual self. I don’t know how he’s likely to react, so you may have to take some care, but you need to break away for your own good. All relationships end one way or another at some point.

 

[ardour]

Who needs this. Let him deal with his own problems on his own. I've been around someone like this and no demonstration will ever be enough because it's internal to them. He's not even looking for a friend, just a source of validation. Don't be be surprised if he loses interest in maintaining the friendship when he feels better.

 

[alphabet]

Heya Alphabet

It sucks a lot to have supposed friends treat you this way.. Friendship is supposed to be a 2-way street - when one side isn't exactly the ideal of being 'friend-ly'/supportive than the point of even being friends becomes kind of moot.. heh - have you tried ever honestly having a heart-to-heart with him to explain how his attitude is upsetting you? Oftentimes, being diplomatic and honest in how something hurts you with another person can usually be resolved.......and if it can't be, than I think you have your answer on this supposed friend..

<333

I have talked with him about this a lot, everytime he says he will try to do better, but it never happens. I can't just abandon him, we have known each other for so long.

 

[okidoke]

........ I can't just abandon him, we have known each other for so long.

Of course you can. Your word are those spoken by many a victim of domestic violence. You are number one. You have to look out for yourself first. You can't help anyone properly when you are suffering.

 

[Murakami_1]

The things you say hit close to home. You have to put yourself first. Your friend might be your best friend and the funniest and whatever but the fact he hurts you that much is not ok.

As hard as it is if he cant accept boundaries and wont change his behaviour it's time to reassess the relationship.

As insecure as he might be, it doesnt excuse behaviour.

 

[user 139760]

My best friend has problems, he is very insecure and doesn't let a lot of people in. I have known him for 9 years and he is truly my best friend. No matter what his problems are, i'll be there for him.

I have always known his behaviour wasn't okay, and it has been bad for a while, but I could always deal with it, besides I am not the most healthy , I try to be, every day again, but I am still flawed. Lately I am having a lot of trouble with my best friend though. He is insecure and needs a lot of reassurence, reassurence I can't give. I am tired, I can't be his source of validation, so I dont give it lately.

He says i secretly dislike him? I answer with ''dude stop.'' Instead of, ''no of course not,''. I just can't anymore. I don't know why. This is my own flaw.

It's not only this, he likes belitteling me. Calling me annoying, or a dirty animal as a joke. I am sensitive, he knows this, and still does that kind of stuff. If it was just as a joke it would be fine, but he does it so much, and so often i get sick of it.

He has apologized a million times for this, but it doesn't become better. It has stayed the same for as long as I can remember.

But the reason I wrote this is because the thing that really makes me sad and angry is the fact I cant be myself anymore. If I say anything too annoying, if I say anything he finds lightly triggering, he gets angry at me and doesn't talk to me for an hour. 4 days ago he shaved himself but missed a spot, it was barely noticable. I told him that it was barely noticable, and he kept saying that everyone could see. I tried to cheer him up and said another 2 times that it wasn't noticable. He got so angry he ignored me for around an hour. I tried to keep the mood light, but the damage was done.

Lately I just keep dealing with him ignoring me when he gets mad at me, for being me.

I have always had to be careful in the past, and had to appeal to my parents. I could never be myself. When I realised the same was with my best friend it broke my heart. I can't do this anymore, it is killing me from the inside. I am not asking him to be a perfect guy, just don't take it out on me please. I am fragile too.

This was long, sorry.

I've got a suggestion. I don't know if it's a good one or not, but why don't you make him read the above? It's honest and it shows you care. Maybe that can help him take conscience of that.

 

[okidoke]

I've got a suggestion. I don't know if it's a good one or not, but why don't you make him read the above? It's honest and it shows you care. Maybe that can help him take conscience of that.

what a great idea

 

[Murakami_1]

I've got a suggestion. I don't know if it's a good one or not, but why don't you make him read the above? It's honest and it shows you care. Maybe that can help him take conscience of that.

Omg Richard i stand by this

 

[alphabet]

I've got a suggestion. I don't know if it's a good one or not, but why don't you make him read the above? It's honest and it shows you care. Maybe that can help him take conscience of that.

i cant

 

[lily_b]

Of course you can. Your word are those spoken by many a victim of domestic violence. You are number one. You have to look out for yourself first. You can't help anyone properly when you are suffering.

That was my thought too - this sounds like an abusive relationship. People treat us the way we let them treat us and it sounds like your friend is using your guilt for his benefit.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Trendy pop-psychology vernacular, isn't doing very many people, any good these days in my opinion. There is a book with that title I believe ("Walking on eggshells"); I question the authority and validity of popular psychology; however, I digress... Onwards.

Keep in mind that, myself included, we often give advice, we do not follow ourselves. I think part of that, is that, knowing the path, is not the same as walking it; and being an observer, is not the same as being a participant.

As for me, I think it's very, very noble, to want to be there for some one, and as much so, being willing to suffer a bit for it. The sad fact, however, is we are human. We can set the sails up, when there is wind, and guide our boat at a swift speed to our destination; but, we can't control the wind itself. When the winds are not favorable, we must put the sails away, and weather out the choppy waves.

And then we must accept our part in a situation. If I place my coat, in a puddle, for the apple of my eye, so she doesn't get her feet wet. That's a chivalrous gesture, to be commended, if she is appreciative of such gestures. But if that woman flips me the bird for doing so. It's on me to know better. If I lay my coat in the puddle again, and she demeans me and chastises me for it again. That's on me.

That's the old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." And if some one, 'fools,' you, for the 300th time, by golly, you may just be a masochist who really wants to be fooled. So, we must accept responsibility for actions, that, essentially, are our own, after a certain point.

And then, lastly, actions speak louder than words.

So there is a learning opportunity, for both of you. One person has the opportunity to learn how precious and valuable friendship is, how much a person means to them, and what it means to truly appreciate kindness and compassion. And the other person has a very similar lesson to learn as well: how precious and valuable they are, and what they're true value is. Or whatever the lessons are, it seems likely, there is something worth learning..

But we see it all the time, don't we? We trade pearls for proverbial pigs feet.

That's at least as much as I can observe, from what you describe.

I think people are very careless with the words they use these days, and that carelessness of words, translates to carelessness of action and experience and transmissions of communication between one another; and the end result is a very coarse, confused, befuddled, hostile, and desperate world. I digress, however...

Now in my opinion, I would like to think, this friend of yours truly does have many admirable qualities. The question is, are the winds of his temperament, favorable to setting up sails? Or are they producing stormy weather, that needs to be waited out a bit? And it's likely the same sort of question must be posed to your self.

You seem to have established you don't like being compared with dirty animals, and having to feel as though you are an annoyance to some one. We're all going to be annoying to some one, probably even more likely, some one we care about, at one time or another.

Bottom-line is, friendship, is, ideally, something that is mutually beneficial.

I think you would like your friend to know, name calling is not acceptable, your worth and value is higher than that. So, you must ponder the responsibility you have to take, for allowing that sort of behavior. Unfortunately, after a certain point, it's on you now, because you've known better. You've known you don't like that, don't appreciate it, don't want it, and if you value yourself, shouldn't tolerate it.

Now, I personally, don't think, this needs to be a black and white issue. It could be, but maybe it isn't. I don't know. All we can know here, is what you tell us.

A: you don't like certain behaviors.
B: he has words that he will change behaviors, but his actions don't reflect the words.
C: you've accepted it and allowed.
D: you feel a sense of loyalty to him, perhaps great concern, care, and affection as well.

So, beyond that, it's a bit beyond me; but, I'd like to think, that's not a bad start.

And from my input, we can add to that.

A1: know your value. Certain behaviors are beneath us. Some we have to tolerate and should. Some we do tolerate but shouldn't. Some we don't have to tolerate, but we do anyway. Some we don't have to tolerate, and we don't. (my best guess anyway)
B1: know your limits. A doormat can only take on so much dirt, before it needs to be washed; otherwise that welcome mat is just making feet dirtier and remaining a dirty mess. Sometimes the wind and the waves are manageable, some times not.
C1: accept our part of the bargain. If we trade pearls for, 'magic beans,' we were suckered. If we trade pearls for magic beans again, 'we were foolish;' and if we do it a third time, perhaps we need to find out what it is we like about magic beans so much?
D: And this one... Generally speaking, I think we all have admirable traits, but can be quick to dismiss them in others, as well as within ourselves; but, more specifically to your case. I think it's as simple as the old saying, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't force it drink," and if you do try to force it to drink, you may be making things worse for the both of you.

So, maybe all that means is writing a letter, and saying, "I dont' appreciate this crap, and it's not acceptable. I care about you, and you don't treat people who care about you that way."

Maybe it also means putting some distance between yourselves for a bit. Maybe his problems need a wrench, and all you have is a hankerchief.

Maybe it means reflecting on your own decisions.

Maybe it means all of that, or none of it.

Maybe you cut loose and run.

-----
And aside from all that...
Maybe you have a friend and your friend has a friend, and you both can figure out the issues at hand; but, maybe some of his issues aren't for you, and they are best left to God/The Universe/Others/Themselves' and perhaps the same goes for you.
-----
I tend to be the type of person, that over-waters a plant. Plants need water; but, too much of it, and they droop and suffocate...

Let your friend breathe and think about his words a bit, so he can make them actionable. And let yourself breathe a little bit, so you don't go wasting precious water on fruitless endeavors.
------
Sometimes we suffer in very complex ways, because of a lack of a very simple insight...

 

[DragonflytotheMoon]

My heart went out to you as I read this. I'm sorry that you've had to experience it. I can relate. I'm a multi abuse survivor. Starting with my mother.

You're fed up. Which is good. Even if you're not ready to take the exit, you're moving toward it. So, however it is, please do what you're able to set boundaries & distance yourself.

I understand you care about them. You're a good friend. Realize that they may never change. If they do, it has to come from within. The change will need to be you choosing your own mental & emotional welfare & well being. It sounds like you're starting to. If you ever want to share or vent, you're welcome to DM me.