Experience with meetups round#2 - mixed social/dating event with 'age appropriate' forty somethings

[ardour]

...difficult to believe some of these people were still in their 40s even. It felt like I was at a teacher-parent meeting with me as a naughty teenager.

I knew I would feel out of place but it was worse than I thought. The conversation never veered away from older adult concerns: adult children at university, houses/properties, renovations, holidays to the Gold Coast, etc. I stood there blanked out with nothing to add, trying not to think about how I could be similar age to these people. They appeared no different than middle-aged coworkers did to me some 20 years ago when I started work.

One older lady who might have been late 40s got rude after it was clear I wasn't interested.

I'm sure some of them were okay though. As in, nice enough, but I couldn't connect due to vastly different life stages and attitudes. So I left and got a drink instead.

I can't say I found anyone attractive there either. It's not as if they were unattractive exactly but my brain perceived them as old/much older even though we must have been similar age.

Only good for a good chuckle at how messed up and out-of-sync I've turned out. This Coronation Street life is all there is ahead.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

What's the population of the town/city you live in?

 

[ardour]

What's the population of the town/city you live in?

1.6 million. But like I said in another whinging post, all the social/dating meetups are age restricted now except for one, and I'm stuck with the geriatrics.

EDIT: maybe I should delete...it's just going over the same territory.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

You felt your psychological age was far younger than everyone else there and didn't hook up with anyone?

Is that pretty much it, aside from internal psychological anguish?

 

[ardour]

You felt your psychological age was far younger than everyone else there and didn't hook up with anyone?

Is that pretty much it, aside from internal psychological anguish?

Pretty much.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Only good for a good chuckle at how messed up and out-of-sync I've turned out. This Coronation Street life is all there is ahead.

OK. So I edited my post since I realized that panicking won't help, and is just pouring more fuel on your fire.

I just wanted to say I've been relating more to this lately.

It sounds like you're sort of, trying things. But is there anything more specific you could do, to go for the demographic you want? It's hard to go for a demographic based on looks, but maybe common interests? You like outdoorsy stuff right? Is there some way you could meet outdoorsy-ish women? They'd probably also be in better shape too, and less likely to be interested in just drinking and bars, and other unhealthy pastimes that you've mentioned not wanting to do.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Pretty much.

lol.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I've heard quite a lot of people say, they don't feel their age. It's a pretty common experience. I'd include myself in that, both in the common sentiment, and, 'holy sh*t balls there must be something wrong with me,' type feeling.

People generally become less physically attractive as they age. That's just reproductive fitness naturally declining, as time ticks by.

Everyone's a greenhorn at something, no matter their age. *shrugs* Might be nice to be very experienced and sage like in a vast multitude of worldly ways, I suppose. You'd be a sort of guru/elder at all times, in all situations.

I dunno, just say, 'f*ck it,' and keep trying.

 

[ardour]

I've heard quite a lot of people say, they don't feel their age.

So have I...online. I wish I happened upon more people IRL like that, that way we could not act our ages together and maybe do something fun and spontaneous for a change.

Instead, I'm stuck with the cast of Cheers, or so it seems.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

nm

 

[TropicalStarfish]

nm

 

[user 139760]

So have I...online. I wish I happened upon more people IRL like that, that way we could not act our ages together and maybe do something fun and spontaneous for a change.

Instead, I'm stuck with the cast of Cheers, or so it seems.

Well I really liked Miss Howe lol. In her first season. After that they made her an insecure nervous wreck. But I would totally have gone for her now

 

[ardour]

You know what never mind. Sorry about this topic.

 

[TheRealCallie]

As in, nice enough, but I couldn't connect due to vastly different life stages and attitudes. So I left and got a drink instead.

Or maybe you didn't connect because you didn't want to?

Okay, hear me out before you think I'm being a *****.
You likely had misgivings about going in the first place, just "knew" you wouldn't connect or fit in or enjoy yourself before you even went, right? That's point one, it's always going to be point one. If you go into it thinking it/you are going to fail, you're most likely going to fail.
I see no need to make anything else a point, so we will be moving on from there.

You need to get over this life stage stuff. You have seriously never done any kind of renovation? You've never taken a vacation? Half of the things you complain "old" people do is stuff people do at every "life stage" so I really don't understand that one.
And then there's the people, just because people talk about kids and this and that with other people who have kids and this and that does NOT mean that's all they will ever talk about with you. It does NOT mean that is the ONLY thing they have to talk about. You don't know these people. It sounds like you made assumptions and used those assumptions as an excuse.

And no, I'm not saying you have to date these people or anything like that. If that's not what you want, that's not what you want. But, while I'm very happy you gave it a shot, it doesn't sound to me like you gave an honest shot. Not everyone at that age has kids. Not everyone that age wants kids. I know plenty of people your age who don't have kids and still act like they are...well 12, but still. lol

 

[michael2]

I kind of get what your feeling.

I've never connected with anyone my age, ever, at every stage of life. Currently I'm way behind everyone else my age. I'm poor, no relationship experience, no house, no kids, no exes, no nice car.

I love theme parks, RC cars, videogames. Stuff that most people my age brag about 'moving on' from.

The only people wo will talk to me are much younger or older then me. Basically people who don't care about all that. Maybe your best shot is someone much younger then you

 

[WillPower]

I would say turn lemons into lemonade. Use the opportunity to improve your social skills. I have been to many meet ups where the demographic was not what I had hoped it would be. A lot of older women. I used that opportunity to have great conversations with them though. I, like many guys, get nervous around really attractive, young women. So a good way to progress is to baby step it. Start with older women and grandmas. People who you don't find attractive. Try to talk to them and see if you can get a good conversation going. It's easy to talk to people who have the same interests as you. But it's a lot tougher with people who don't. Someone with great social skills can talk to anyone though. That is what you should be striving towards because it will help you in the long run connect with people you are attracted to.

 

[ardour]

I would say turn lemons into lemonade. Use the opportunity to improve your social skills. I have been to many meet ups where the demographic was not what I had hoped it would be. A lot of older women. I used that opportunity to have great conversations with them though. I, like many guys, get nervous around really attractive, young women. So a good way to progress is to baby step it. Start with older women and grandmas. People who you don't find attractive. Try to talk to them and see if you can get a good conversation going. It's easy to talk to people who have the same interests as you. But it's a lot tougher with people who don't. Someone with great social skills can talk to anyone though. That is what you should be striving towards because it will help you in the long run connect with people you are attracted to.

Then I may as well just stick to non dating meetups which are less awkward. If you're not attracted to someone then you aren't dealing with the same internal 'demons.'

 

[WillPower]

Then I may as well just stick to non dating meetups which are less awkward. If you're not attracted to someone then you aren't dealing with the same internal 'demons.'

Yeah, that is definitely true. It is less nerve wracking to be sure. I still find it good practice though to talk to everyone though. Especially people you might not have much in common with. I find it really helps you develop your conversation skills.

 

[ardour]

It sounds like you're sort of, trying things. But is there anything more specific you could do, to go for the demographic you want? It's hard to go for a demographic based on looks, but maybe common interests? You like outdoorsy stuff right? Is there some way you could meet outdoorsy-ish women? They'd probably also be in better shape too, and less likely to be interested in just drinking and bars, and other unhealthy pastimes that you've mentioned not wanting to do.

Didn't see these questions...

I mentioned it before, but social meetups are age restricted to the point where even talking to 30 somethings is getting hard.

There are other groups of course but I'm finding the ages too spread out. For example I'll go to hiking meetups and they'll be a couple of girls in their late teens/early 20s (obviously too young), but then the rest will be late 40s or 60+ retirees. Same with tennis. Board games is mostly nerds. The last one there was a friendly girl there right on the edge of socially acceptable age (28 I think) but of course you just chat for a bit, they chat to others, and it's not as if you can just ask them out in front of everyone. And on top of that she would probably still be grossed out by the age gap.

There are very few women in a (broadly defined) socially acceptable age range who are single, relatively inexperienced, not divorced or with kids, open to conversation.

The most realistic options are in fact middle-aged divorcees with kids looking for a boring stable companion, and I can't go there.

Ten years ago there would have been a much wider range of avenues.

 

[Unsigned]

there right on the edge of socially acceptable age

Why do you care about that?
I for one, couldn't care less about "socially acceptable".
My last SB, who I saw for 3 years, was Korean American (born here - no accent), 5'0" and about 105 lbs.
When we started our arrangement she was 24 and I was 54. But because of her size and ethnicity, she looked even younger.
Did I get sideways looks when when we were out and about?
Honestly in those three years I can only remember one look I got from an older, overweight neighbor woman.
No one else seemed to care one bit and most people who engaged us were very friendly - she has a furry little chihuahua who loves people, and folks in the park and such would talk to us about the dog.

But even if I did get more dirty looks, I would not give two dead flies about it.
I like what I like and that will never change.
I'll hopefully have a 24 y/o SB when I'm 75.