family problems

[lonely_rose]

Well this is just going to make me sound selfish and petty I am sure but….what to do when you are the “least favorite child”? Always the last thought of and the least important in the family.
And not because you suck by any means. I have my college degree (x2.5). I have held steady jobs. Paid my own bills. Been responsible and done what I was “supposed to do” and rarely needed help from my family. Love and support would be nice. An understanding ear and a shoulder to cry on. Someone who cared….
My mother has always, ever since I could remember, preferred my brother and sister to me. Perhaps because she divorced my father and they are from my step-dad. I dunno. All I know is they were never punished as much growing up. They never had all the responsibilities and expectations. They turned out messed up and always in trouble. Now I wouldn’t change the punishment and expectations and responsibilities so much because that made me who I am.
However, when all my mom’s time, attention, money, and support go to them and none to me…..
It doesn’t matter how many times she has to bail them out of jail, get them lawyers, send them to rehab, buy them furniture or cars because they sold or totaled theirs, pay their bills, THEY are the wonderful perfect children in her opinion and I am not. And mind you they are well into their 20’s and almost 30 so it isn’t just an adolescent phase.
And it just makes me mad sometimes. Makes me mad that I don’t have that close relationship with my mom. That I am always last. That they can run around and be happy and do whatever they want and mom always picks up the pieces and I am never happy and do what I am “supposed” to and get screwed because of it.
And sometimes I want to say something. Cut them out of my life. Tell them exactly how I feel. But then do you really cut people out of your life for selfish reasons? Because you feel screwed? And if I did, that means even less people for me to talk to. Even less people to care even a little about me.
I think I get so upset because it hurts. I don’t have good relationships with any of them and I get jealous when I look around and see siblings who get along and spend time together. Or mothers who are supportive and loving and….
It just frustrates me to no end. And I am all worked up again today because….surprise my brother is in jail again on a 2nd degree felony, my mom paid for a lawyer for him, and she has traveled to spend the weekend with my sister (who she can’t manage to go more than 3 months without seeing and she hasn’t seen me in almost 2 years. In fact last time she was supposed to come visit, she cancelled because she didn’t have the money).
So….opinions here…do I say something to her about how hurt I feel or do I just keep my mouth shut and keep going along?

 

[Sean]

In my oppinion, I think you should let your mum know how you feel.

It's a tough situation because all your mum's attention is focused on your siblings.
She may not have the time or energy to pay attention to you aswell.
Or maybe she can sense that this is bothering you, but believes your problems are smaller than your siblings.

Anyways, hope that made sense ,

Best of luck.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Your mother is clearly enabling them. I can understand her predicament though, she feels that to love them she must be overly involved in their lives, when in reality, the best thing for them might be to let them feel the consequences of their actions and to leave them to live their own life.

 

[lonely_rose]

Thanks for your input Sean and SophiaGrace.
It is hard to know whether to keep hurt inside or cause hurt to someone else just to get it out. Part of me feels like she doesn't mean to put me last, or at least hopes she doesn't. And I realize my problems are much smaller than my siblings. But that is because I never had the option to be irresponsible and let mom clean up all my messes. And she knows how I feel about her enabling them and them being irresponsible. I have made that very clear on several occasions.
And she does feel like she has to love them and be there for them and take care of them because she is their mom. And I feel like they are never going to grow up and be responsible and take care of their own messes as long as she does. I even asked her one day what she thought would happen to my brother if, God forbid, my mom died. Who is he going to rely on then? Not himself. Not my step dad who wanted to stop babying him years ago. Not me. And my sis doesn't have it together enough to take care of him. He has never had to work or pay his own bills or do his own laundry or buy his own groceries or deal with his messes. And he is 25. It is sad.
Mom is very codependent and deals with depression and it is just hard to handle. I so want to tell her that she is hurting me. That I feel left out. I don't even feel like part of the family. And sometimes I don't even want to be part of the family.
But I also don't want to hurt her feelings. Or seem like I am jealous and don't care about my siblings. Which in part, because they make their own problems, I don't. But deep down I really do.
What a sucky, tangled up mess!
Thanks for "listening" guys! It helps some to just get it out.

 

[kysangel]

Keep Calm and Eat a Cupcake... I am so stealing that one...

Listen my friend, what you have to learn is that your mother's acceptance in love is not everything. you must go out and explore the world. The world is here to be explored and you don't need your mother's permission.

Kysangel

 

[SophiaGrace]

Sometimes I think it helps to write things out...

It does sound like a mess. I"m sorry you have to deal with that, though I don't think you should waste your effort on trying to turn your mom around. Instead I would focus on changing your perspective on the situation. Seeing it as your mother's problems rather than something wrong with you, because honestly, you seem like a wonderful kid.

It is perfectly natural to long and wish for your mother's love. I can empathize with this since I have longed for my father's love for a long time, but realize I can't obtain it. Even so, at times I find myself sad that I can't have it and that I will never know what it is like to have a regular normal mentally stable father.

Maybe you are in a state of mourning regarding your mother because you wish you had something with your mother that you don't or perhaps cant (though i hope it isnt cant and that somewhere down the line you will find reconcilliation) have.