Fear of abandonment, a self-fulfilling prophecy?

[RaHorakhty]

Hello all,

This is my first post on these forums aside from the post where I introduced myself. In my introduction I had mentioned that I had a fear of abandonment by friends. Another user (evanescence912) responded by saying that the fear of abandonment was a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Basically...

The more you feared, the more mean you would act towards your friends. In return, they would be off-put by your attitude and not want to hang out with you at all.

But before I get into why I have this fear, let me talk a bit about myself.
I moved around so much in my childhood, teenage, and even early adult life where I am now. My ancestors were Turkish nomads who moved around frequently so I guess its in our blood. Anyhow, My transition to the US was harsh. I would see groups of kids getting invited to hangouts and sleepovers, playing games with each other. But I was pretty lonely. I found a bunch of Turkish kids to befriend at the local mosque and it was well, until we moved again. This was a continuing cycle. Before every move, I was starting to feel comfortable and then had to break the comfort. You all probably know what I mean.

Since I never stayed in a place for too long, I felt I never had the chance to form good friendships that would hopefully last long. In college I knew that time wasn't on my side. If I waited for friendships to form naturally, I would be wasting time. I was impatient. Everyone was socializing and doing cool things, why couldn't I? I then started an aggressive campaign of befriending people. I became a people-pleaser and started doing the nicest things. Never put my needs first and just became too generous for my own good, showering gifts and paying for food on outings. This wasn't totally fake though. I really enjoyed being a people pleaser. Turks are people pleasers. I just did it on the wrong people and ignored the red flags that kept popping up.

Anyway, after the first year of college, we were to move again. I (stupidly) planned a goodbye meeting for MYSELF. Everyone cancelled on me last minute. And so begin the anxiety and fear of abandonment. I thought that It wouldn't happen again where I moved. I was wrong. 

What happened in the past and what is happening now contribute to my fears. I know I need to chill and find ways to improve myself, yet it doesn't help that I am an EXTREMELY gregarious person. I am also impatient, and not only do I project my insecurities, I spill them out to people. I have been told that I am insane a couple of times actually due to being so upfront.

I need to stop chasing after people and trying to please them. I know that much. But my fear is what kills me. It hasn't stopped. I've learned my lesson but come out a frightened person, even pushing people away who come to ME out of mistrust. DO any of you have advice or have you been in a similar situation?

 

[bleed_the_freak]

Someone like you needs to be around "quality" people.

Colleges aren't the place for that anymore.

It's difficult finding good people.

 

[littlefish1555]

I honestly was just thinking about how I can practice not being so candid about myself, bc as I get older I see no one is really that interested in the personal reflections of a stranger, unless they say they're interested, and half the time they're just pretending to be interested to get whatever it is they're after.  

I would say, start thinking about what you are after, and if it's super obvious.  Like, are you just talking to this person because you need a friend, are you talking at them, trying to charm them, or are you really trying to get to know them an like them?  If you really like them for them, then that's trustworthy and I would guess that once you spend some time in any given place you'll form lasting relationships.  If you're just trying to be their friend for a reason that doesn't have anything to do with who they actually are, only people susceptible to flattery (like the vain ones, like me haha) will fall for that, and it won't be lasting for either one of you.  Friendships just take time and space and a lack of pressure, and like you said yourself, you haven't approached friendships from a place where that could happen yet, because you were in a hurry.    Don't worry though.  Are you somewhere now where you have some time?  Do you have any friends from your past you care to reconnect with? I've been socializing on the phone with friends from my childhood I randomly reconnected with, and it's been very rewarding.  It's only on the phone, but means a lot to me as I was getting pretty isolated.  

I was laughing bc you sound a lot like myself, 'gregarious' is a good word.  What kind of things do you blurt out, like, you're telling a story and and then do you say something like "oh I can see I'm boring you to tears I guess I'll go over here and kill myself" or something off-putting like that?  I would love that if someone said that to me, but I'm weird.   You'll find your tribe, it's a big world and sounds like you're making the rounds.

 

[Hoarse Whisperer]

First of all, thank for posting this; it isn't easy opening yourself up, even anonymously.

I moved around so much in my childhood, teenage, and even early adult life where I am now.
Before I go any further, I relate to this sentence more than I can easily explain to you. I could write a novel about how my family's moving habits influenced the adult that I have since become. I'm the master at first conversations, but it begins to feel like a facade when I try to turn that first exchange into a meaningful relationship. I learned to have a series of pocketed responses, jokes, and comments that I could pull out to fill an awkwardly silent moment, but it's hard for me to really open up and talk to somebody outside of my own self-imposed script.

Couple all of that with the impending feeling that any friendship I do form has a feeling of an inevitable end even before it begins, and it's hard for me to make lasting, genuine friends.


I became a people-pleaser and started doing the nicest things.
This was also a problem that I fell into, although it wasn't about DOING nice things so much as being overly agreeable to the opinions of people that I thought I needed to impress. For a time, I became the guy that agreed with you, nodded his head and laughed, and did everything I thought I had to to become likeable. Thankfully, this is one problem that I have overcome with time; I'm now the "really nice guy that is kind of an *******" because of my playful, albeit constant sarcasm.


Now, to directly touch on the overarching theme of abandonment being a self-fulfilling prophecy. There are two main types of people that deal with a fear of abandonment in a poor manner: those that push people away for fear of being dumped and hurt, and those that pull people too close and demand their constant attention for fear of being dumped and hurt. In either case, it becomes something of an obsession for them; if they know the person online, they start watching their activity. If they send them a message, they go insane waiting for a response. I have been on both sides of this issue in my life, and I can attest to the unhealthiness as well as the unattractiveness of it.

I hate to use something that has a religious origin in a non-religious setting, especially as a lifelong agnostic, but I have found tremendous relief in the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I don't actually believe that the mantle of responsibility falls on any divine beings: I believe that it falls on us to accept that people can come or go, that we need to change our own behaviors and outlooks, and that we need to know when we're being unreasonable and need to change. Granted I learned this prayer when I had a loved one struggling with alcoholism, but I've found that it applies to many situations in life.

 

[Once loved]

Hello all,

This is my first post on these forums aside from the post where I introduced myself. In my introduction I had mentioned that I had a fear of abandonment by friends. Another user (evanescence912) responded by saying that the fear of abandonment was a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Basically...

The more you feared, the more mean you would act towards your friends. In return, they would be off-put by your attitude and not want to hang out with you at all.

But before I get into why I have this fear, let me talk a bit about myself.
I moved around so much in my childhood, teenage, and even early adult life where I am now. My ancestors were Turkish nomads who moved around frequently so I guess its in our blood. Anyhow, My transition to the US was harsh. I would see groups of kids getting invited to hangouts and sleepovers, playing games with each other. But I was pretty lonely. I found a bunch of Turkish kids to befriend at the local mosque and it was well, until we moved again. This was a continuing cycle. Before every move, I was starting to feel comfortable and then had to break the comfort. You all probably know what I mean.

Since I never stayed in a place for too long, I felt I never had the chance to form good friendships that would hopefully last long. In college I knew that time wasn't on my side. If I waited for friendships to form naturally, I would be wasting time. I was impatient. Everyone was socializing and doing cool things, why couldn't I? I then started an aggressive campaign of befriending people. I became a people-pleaser and started doing the nicest things. Never put my needs first and just became too generous for my own good, showering gifts and paying for food on outings. This wasn't totally fake though. I really enjoyed being a people pleaser. Turks are people pleasers. I just did it on the wrong people and ignored the red flags that kept popping up.

Anyway, after the first year of college, we were to move again. I (stupidly) planned a goodbye meeting for MYSELF. Everyone cancelled on me last minute. And so begin the anxiety and fear of abandonment. I thought that It wouldn't happen again where I moved. I was wrong. 

What happened in the past and what is happening now contribute to my fears. I know I need to chill and find ways to improve myself, yet it doesn't help that I am an EXTREMELY gregarious person. I am also impatient, and not only do I project my insecurities, I spill them out to people. I have been told that I am insane a couple of times actually due to being so upfront.

I need to stop chasing after people and trying to please them. I know that much. But my fear is what kills me. It hasn't stopped. I've learned my lesson but come out a frightened person, even pushing people away who come to ME out of mistrust. DO any of you have advice or have you been in a similar situation?

I think I can relate a little to your situation. I grew up with 4 sisters who are all outgoing and have great personalities. I’m the shy one in the family and my parents were not happy about that. When I was 3 I was left at my grandmothers house to be raised by her for 3 years. Her house was in the country side with hardly anyone around. When I finally came home to reunite with the family I felt completely alone like an outsider. I was only 6 or 7 then but I still remember feeling so out of place. My sisters were so different than me and I remember just walking around outside by myself wondering, “what’s wrong with me? How come I don’t have any friends?” Will after all theses years my thought hasn’t changed. I ask myself “what’s wrong with me?” Daily. I’m so afraid of being rejected and abandoned I never had a birthday party. I never even told anyone it was my birthday because of the fear that I’ll never get a happy birthday wish and get disappointed. Even when I became a mom I had anxiety each time I threw one of my kids a party because I was so afraid people will not show up. Thankfully my kids did not inherit my insecurities and fear.

 

[TheLoadedDog]

RaHorakhty, let me tell you something about friendship. First up, forget about your school and college friends. I'm not saying they are necessarily bad people - there could be some great ones - but school and college friendships are like workplace ones in that you do not choose these people. You are thrown in together. You just get who you get.

Adulthood is a kinda cool thing, because you can choose your friends. I've probably met a hundred thousand people in my life by now, rather than the few dozen who are with you in a college class. Bigger pool. You can pick the good ones.

Even here, you are probably going to meet some cool people. You may form some friendships. A simple act like joining this site is giving you vastly more freedom than going to school or college and choosing from the limited choice available to you there.