Cathedral
Well-known member
I have been getting these bad dreams every other night and having these fears. You see, during almost all of my childhood, I was stuck in a house in the middle of nowhere, with two deadbeat parents (dad left when I was 16-17). I dropped out of school in 8th grade, due to not being able to cope with that and my behavior problems. My parents put me into homeschooling program, which basically meant that as far as the state was concerned, I was "in school", when in fact, I was just left to sit at home and do nothing but play what few video games I had and watch TV and become gradually more and more insane.
Leading up to my preteens, I had an older half-sister, who dropped out of high school, apparently due to her back problems. She lived with us, had her own room, until my preteens when she practically abandoned me. I loved her so much and I hardly ever got to see her or talk to her ever since then. I felt so crushed. So broken. So betrayed. She was probably the only person I really loved at the time. My parents didn't seem to "be there for me" a lot of the time.
There was a period of when I had hatred for my dad, then love, then resentment. He would not do hardly anything for me. Mom and dad would argue over and over again over stupid ****, over accusations, day in and day out. My life was miserable. There seemed to be no end in sight.
One day, when I was around 16-17, I made a friend with one of the neighbors who was around my age. We hung out every other day, played video games, talked, watched WWE, this and that. For the first time in my ******* pathetic life, I had a friend. Someone outside of my crappy family who I knew (or thought I knew). Times were kind of... OKAY!
Several months later, dad apparently had some kind of medical emergency and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital, while I was asleep, and eventually to the nursing home where he resides to this day as far as I know. I thought that living with mom would be a disaster. But her attitude (at least with me) somewhat improved. She had problems with my friend overstaying his visit. But things got a little better now that the dragon king (dad) was out of the house for good.
Somehow, CPS was notified that I was actually not attending school, they sent some case worker over and told me and my mother that I had to be attending school or else. So, due to my age and some other things, I got put into a high school as a senior, as a special ed student. Meaning that at the end, I might have gotten a special ed diploma (you can't get into college with that, unlike a regular high school diploma or GED).
In high school, I hated it. Students were harassing me, I acted like a complete retarded idiot (I was so isolated for so long and I do have Asperger's Syndrome/High Functioning Autism/ADHD, I had no idea how to act right or something), and the four classes I had were a JOKE! I'm not going to elaborate on that right now, as it is somewhat irrelevant to this thread.
Fast-forward to around December of 2008, one day, me and my mom were using public transportation to get to the grocery store (mom's car was working fine, but she was too chickenshit incompetent to drive us), we went in, got our groceries, then we were stuck waiting for the damn van to pick us up. After waiting several minutes, I got so impatient that I lost my temper and while mom was standing in front of the grocery store, I got up and pushed her and she fell to the ground. The police were called, I was handcuffed, thrown into the back of a police car, taken to the municipal building (because the town is too small and meaningless to have its own police dept building), then to juvenile court. They determined that I was too dangerous to continue living with my mother, so I was put into state custody, and since DCS couldn't find any family member who would take me in (surprise, surprise, my ******, lying, no-good family), I was put into foster care.
When I turned 18, I was released from state custody and foster care and had to find my own place. My foster parents helped me find an apartment to live in and DCS put me into a transitional living program (which is a JOKE!). I have been living on my own for about 2 years now and haven't really made much progress in my life, aside from getting a GED, completing a few classes at a community college and getting my SSI approved.
With all of that being said, I am going to get to the point now. I'm pathetic. I'm depressed. I'm lonely. I'm antisocial because I don't know any better. I'm obese. But what really bothers me right now is my fears of still being stuck in that house out in the middle of nowhere with my incompetent mother (and eventually by myself). No opportunities, no chances, no dreams, no friends, no family, no one, no hope, nothing! Life would be a dead end for me. That house would be like a prison, like a Hell for me (probably where I belong anyways), that I would be stuck in until the day I die.
I'm so afraid that I might one day get dragged back into that Hell. (despite having no contact with any of my family currently) It scares me even more than Death itself. Oh God, the loneliness, the hopelessness, the helplessness, being stuck in the backwoods of Decatur County, Tennessee. Probably where I was destined to be in forever. It's like I'm an abomination to mankind! ARGH!
Leading up to my preteens, I had an older half-sister, who dropped out of high school, apparently due to her back problems. She lived with us, had her own room, until my preteens when she practically abandoned me. I loved her so much and I hardly ever got to see her or talk to her ever since then. I felt so crushed. So broken. So betrayed. She was probably the only person I really loved at the time. My parents didn't seem to "be there for me" a lot of the time.
There was a period of when I had hatred for my dad, then love, then resentment. He would not do hardly anything for me. Mom and dad would argue over and over again over stupid ****, over accusations, day in and day out. My life was miserable. There seemed to be no end in sight.
One day, when I was around 16-17, I made a friend with one of the neighbors who was around my age. We hung out every other day, played video games, talked, watched WWE, this and that. For the first time in my ******* pathetic life, I had a friend. Someone outside of my crappy family who I knew (or thought I knew). Times were kind of... OKAY!
Several months later, dad apparently had some kind of medical emergency and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital, while I was asleep, and eventually to the nursing home where he resides to this day as far as I know. I thought that living with mom would be a disaster. But her attitude (at least with me) somewhat improved. She had problems with my friend overstaying his visit. But things got a little better now that the dragon king (dad) was out of the house for good.
Somehow, CPS was notified that I was actually not attending school, they sent some case worker over and told me and my mother that I had to be attending school or else. So, due to my age and some other things, I got put into a high school as a senior, as a special ed student. Meaning that at the end, I might have gotten a special ed diploma (you can't get into college with that, unlike a regular high school diploma or GED).
In high school, I hated it. Students were harassing me, I acted like a complete retarded idiot (I was so isolated for so long and I do have Asperger's Syndrome/High Functioning Autism/ADHD, I had no idea how to act right or something), and the four classes I had were a JOKE! I'm not going to elaborate on that right now, as it is somewhat irrelevant to this thread.
Fast-forward to around December of 2008, one day, me and my mom were using public transportation to get to the grocery store (mom's car was working fine, but she was too chickenshit incompetent to drive us), we went in, got our groceries, then we were stuck waiting for the damn van to pick us up. After waiting several minutes, I got so impatient that I lost my temper and while mom was standing in front of the grocery store, I got up and pushed her and she fell to the ground. The police were called, I was handcuffed, thrown into the back of a police car, taken to the municipal building (because the town is too small and meaningless to have its own police dept building), then to juvenile court. They determined that I was too dangerous to continue living with my mother, so I was put into state custody, and since DCS couldn't find any family member who would take me in (surprise, surprise, my ******, lying, no-good family), I was put into foster care.
When I turned 18, I was released from state custody and foster care and had to find my own place. My foster parents helped me find an apartment to live in and DCS put me into a transitional living program (which is a JOKE!). I have been living on my own for about 2 years now and haven't really made much progress in my life, aside from getting a GED, completing a few classes at a community college and getting my SSI approved.
With all of that being said, I am going to get to the point now. I'm pathetic. I'm depressed. I'm lonely. I'm antisocial because I don't know any better. I'm obese. But what really bothers me right now is my fears of still being stuck in that house out in the middle of nowhere with my incompetent mother (and eventually by myself). No opportunities, no chances, no dreams, no friends, no family, no one, no hope, nothing! Life would be a dead end for me. That house would be like a prison, like a Hell for me (probably where I belong anyways), that I would be stuck in until the day I die.
I'm so afraid that I might one day get dragged back into that Hell. (despite having no contact with any of my family currently) It scares me even more than Death itself. Oh God, the loneliness, the hopelessness, the helplessness, being stuck in the backwoods of Decatur County, Tennessee. Probably where I was destined to be in forever. It's like I'm an abomination to mankind! ARGH!
