I went to a reading group last Saturday which is held only about 3 or 4 times a year. I was talking to one of the others and she mentioned that she had just turned 70. I was surprised as she looks about 62 or 63 and I asked if she had always looked young for her age and I mentioned her nice facial skin, no wrinkles. She looked at me and said 'That's because I'm fat' and stared at me expressionlessly. I felt so hurt and confused as I thought I was saying something nice and hadn't connected facial skin and weight at all. (I am very overweight too, by the way.) A while later the hostess asked if we wanted coffee and I asked if it was decaff (I avoid caffeine as far as I can as I am high risk of getting glaucoma) and it wasn't, so I debated for a short time aloud-should I/shouldn't I have some or stick with the water I was drinking and then decided to go for the coffee as it smelt so good. The woman I had talked to before then immediately told a 'joke' about a host who told his guests to drink what they were given and gave them glasses of dirty bath water. I hadn't said anything rude about the coffee, had just wondered whether to have some and felt hurt and confused again. We moved on and were talking about poetry and I mentioned I had written a poem and one of the others asked what it was about. I said 'love' and the woman I was having difficulties with muttered 'I guessed.' She knows I have no family while she has many people in her family and so this felt hurtful. When we talked about the book, there were two central characters who were very lonely in it and she said 'that's the way life is.' She is happily married with a big family, so life isn't that way at all for her. I just feel totally devastated by the whole thing. If she had been alone in life, her comment about the book wouldn't have hurt me, but it was insensitive to downplay loneliness when her life is so full.
Feeling really low and confused
- Thread starter Tiina63
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lifestream
Well-known member
I'm really sorry this happened to you, Tiina. Some people are just born experts at passive-aggressive behaviour and low-key hostility. My eldest sister is the queen of the well-timed cutting remark and the subtle ***. Like that lady you were having difficulties with, she has a life I could only dream of but still feels the need to behave like that. It really makes me wonder if people like them are deeply unhappy beneath the surface.
All I can advise is that you try to avoid her at the next reading group and politely brush her off if she approaches you. It's all you can really do with those types without retaliating at their level or punching them out.
All I can advise is that you try to avoid her at the next reading group and politely brush her off if she approaches you. It's all you can really do with those types without retaliating at their level or punching them out.
Thank you for replying to me, lifestream. I'm sorry that your sister is like this as well with you. Maybe you are right and people who do this are deeply unhappy under the surface.
I don't know whether I will go back to the reading group any more. I feel too hurt and confused. It is held only infrequently and is in my second language and finding other speakers may be hard, but being in the group would be too painful. This lady was kind to me a couple of times in the past and I thought of her as a 'safe' person There are few people I feel this way about.
Maybe it is time for me to move on.
I don't know whether I will go back to the reading group any more. I feel too hurt and confused. It is held only infrequently and is in my second language and finding other speakers may be hard, but being in the group would be too painful. This lady was kind to me a couple of times in the past and I thought of her as a 'safe' person There are few people I feel this way about.
Maybe it is time for me to move on.
lifestream
Well-known member
I'm sorry that this has been taken from you. People like us have so little solace in life, it's always a blow when you lose a source of comfort. 
N
Northern Lights
Guest
The lady sounds like an unhappy passive aggressive person. You sound like a gentle soul and I hope you meet others that are the same. I don't believe that her comments were because of what you said. She sounds bitter and her life might not be as full or happy as you think.
Thank you for your understanding.
Lifestream-yes, it does hurt so much because, as you say, I have so few sources of solace. I am in three other groups but rarely communicate on a deeper level with the people there.
Northern Lights-you could well be right. Maybe her life might be not as full or happy as I think. I have been reading about passive aggressive people this afternoon online and it said that one big way it affects those on the receiving end is to cause them to feel very confused about the intentions of the speaker. This is certainly how I feel. I emailed her on Wednesday about feeling confused as I didn't see how I had done anything wrong and was feeling confused and she hasn't replied.
Lifestream-yes, it does hurt so much because, as you say, I have so few sources of solace. I am in three other groups but rarely communicate on a deeper level with the people there.
Northern Lights-you could well be right. Maybe her life might be not as full or happy as I think. I have been reading about passive aggressive people this afternoon online and it said that one big way it affects those on the receiving end is to cause them to feel very confused about the intentions of the speaker. This is certainly how I feel. I emailed her on Wednesday about feeling confused as I didn't see how I had done anything wrong and was feeling confused and she hasn't replied.
EmilyFoxSeaton
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Tiina63 said:
There always seems to be one in almost any situation lately. I think unfortunately... some people just think it is cool to be mean and say snarky things and sometimes don't particularly mean anything by it on a personal level. Though it is sad that another person could keep you from enjoying the group I also find that the most horrible people in the world will never leave any group. They need it just as much as you and they take it over and won't let it go, causing the good people to have to quietly leave. Happened to me a few times. I would just leave the group.
C
Celt
Guest
Northern Lights said:
+1 I imagine she talks to lots of people like this, its not just you. I meet people like this too. Its difficult avoiding confrontation. Given a situation where you would prefer the atmosphere to stay friendly, I would keep trying a bit longer. Maybe see if she mentions your email and keep a copy in case she pretends she didn't receive. Just an idea but that may not be conducive to a comfortable mornings reading??
N
Northern Lights
Guest
Can you try continuing with this group and connecting with the other individuals? If you find joy in the group or can connect with other people - then why not stay? I have a coworker who is part of a group and she's had many fights with 1 other member but they both refuse to leave because they enjoy the other aspects of it. They just simply say "hello" "goodbye" to one another but they don't talk to each other. It would be difficult to stay around such a miserable person, but I doubt that it is personal (she's probably passive aggressive to everyone around her).
I'm sorry this happened to you Tiina,but it says more about her personality than yours.In fact the other people in the group are probably fed up with her rudeness as well and just try and tolerate it. There was a time I would've went away feeling really upset and not wanting to go back,so I completely get that you feel that way. These days I see things differently,I would go straight back,look her straight in the eyes,kill with kindness and smile,and think to yourself that she hasn't got her own way,you're not going to be defeated and get on and talk to the other members as if nothing happened and you brushed it off.
