Fiction by yours truly :]

[Qui]

I realized this afternoon while I was being lazy and sitting around that while my mother has written a novel and is working in two more, and my sister has throughout her childhood written many short stories as well, I never have.
I used to write a lot, in middle school especially I filled books with my poetry.
But I never wrote a single story. I have made stories in my head, long involved stories with plots that range from fantastical to tedious to every day ordinary stories about life, but I have never once written one down. So, here is the first chapter of the story I've been musing over for a good month now, perhaps two.
I'm not trying to waste your time with a windy, babbling story. It's short, and this first chapter is intentionally vague. I'd really appreciate some feedback, as I said I'm completely new to this so any advice or criticism you have would be great. I promise I wont cry if you think I suck
Thank you :]

------------------Chapter-1--------------Fener------------------------------------

The creaking of oars and the gentle lapping of waves against the hull lulled her into an uneasy sleep. They had been at sea for almost a year now, and were on their way back north, back to the icelocked land of their ancestors. Back home.

This thought soothed the seasoned crewmen, they'd had their fun but now longed to see their families, to see the difference a year could make. Perhaps there were babies born, perhaps elders had passed. The time at sea had been rough, and man to man each was longing for the peace and solidity the heart associated with the snow coated northlands.

It was late afternoon, and the captain observed his weary crew with seasoned eyes before turning his gaze to the horizon. He too felt the pull of home, but something felt amiss somehow. Something had been tickling at his mind now for several days. A nagging worry, for which he repeatedly assured himself there was no need.

The girl felt it too. In her restless sleep she stirred, burying her face deeper in the dog's side. She cringed at an unnamed fear in some unknown nightmare, letting out a small whimper that drew the captain's gaze.

His brow creased as he mused over the small child that lie curled up on the deck. With her ability the girl had aided the ship to pass nearly unharmed through many a treacherous sea, but now he wondered what else her curious mind detected rising in the distance.
He had seen power such as hers only once before, in an elderly man on a sea far south of here. Of course, a young girl of scarcely six years could only begin to grasp such a power, yet already the ship had reaped the rewards of it. Simply by listening to what the unknown voice of the wind told her, they had avoided countless tempests and stormy waters with ease. With time, that benefit could only increase... what a brilliantly lucky find she was. And in his own village too. He couldn't help but grin at his good fortune.

The girl in question jolted awake, startling her canine pillow. The dog yawned and stood up, dumping the girl on to the wooden deck.
She scowled at him before rising to her feet as well. The two shared a look, as though communicating silently with a gaze.
It unnerved the captain when he saw this, as it always did. He hated the creature, mistrusted it for everything it was. A wolf, five years old at least though is still resembled a year old pup, and black as a ravens wing. It stayed by her always though, and the girl had refused to come aboard without it. He'd been forced to comply.
"Fener's hungry" the girl's face was sullen, as always.
The captain nodded, gesturing off towards the cabin. He sighed as the strange pair ran off. His eyes returned again to the horizon, which had darkened ominously.

"What should we do about that?" he inquired after the storm clouds when she returned.
"Nuthin." She replied around a large hunk of bread. "It's moving inland."
"The coast is there."
She looked up at him.
"Will the wind pick up tonight?"
She nodded.
"Towards the shore?"
She nodded again.
"Will it be safe here?"
She smiled reassuringly, though her eyes remained distant.
"It's moving inland." She repeated.
"Hm. Alright."

With a deep rumble from the ominous clouds in the distance the storm commenced.

"Stow the oars! Take in the sail! Put out the sea anchor!" The captain bellowed.
The crewmen scurried like ants to comply, each man knowing his place and moving quickly to fill it.

The crew ate their dinner as the sun set, drifting on the restless waves as the wind howled by, rocking the boat with choppy waves and sending a fine mist of sea spray over the stern. A fine drizzle started as the sun was swallowed by the open ocean and soon built up to a steady downpour. The night watch settled in as the bulk of the men went below to sleep.
But the girl and her companion stayed awake, impassive in the face of the falling rain and silent in fearful awe at the breaking storm before them.

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[samba101]

Wow I thought that was really good, damn the only thing is that there's no more .... please keep writing.

 

[NeverMore]

I read it last night but forgot to comment...

I thought it was really good, very descriptive and easy to picture the environment and people but at the same time didn't get bogged down with describing things like people, you were left to make up your own mind how people looked just given basic information and I like that, and it kept my attention, I look forward to reading more of it

 

[Bluey]

What an amazing imagination you have I thought it very interesting.

The only criticism would be it was a little difficult to fallow in parts but I think that's maybe cos you do not give lots of info on the characters in there. Or maybe its cos sometimes I can just be a simpleton that needs everything spelling out to him lol I mean Books I have read ever? 1 lol So what do I know.

I should really try doing a story myself. But I would not be anywhere as good as that.

 

[davechaos]

A natural talent that you should develop and show off. It read very well...thank you.

 

[Qui]

Alright, here's the deal. I was working on this chapter and the content was getting too broad, like, too much stuff in one chapter. So I split it in two and made the first be chapter 2 and the second one, when I'm done editing, will be chapter 3. This is just a short in-between chapter but I felt I ought to sepparate it from the next bit so here it is, chapter 2. It's short, hopefully sweet and to the point. I'll do my best to get to the action and make it good in the next chapter, but for now, chew on this.
Thank you, and Enjoy :]

----------------------Chapter-2-------------Skålvik--------------------------------------

The dawn broke to find the girl and her companion passed out asleep on the deck. The air was still and clear, crisp after the night's storm. The crew set up for breakfast and cleared the deck of standing water taken on in the night. Fener stirred and woke as the smell of sizzling meat reached him. He circled twice aroung the girl before trotting off for his breakfast.
The girl awoke and followed soon after, then returned to her post at the bow of the ship with a fistfull of bacon strips to observe the skyline for fluctuations in the weather.
She never related to people, they didn't make sense to her and never tried to relate anyway. To the sailors, she was as much a tool as a compass or an anchor. But the wind, it was familiar. Playfully friendly at times, passionately violent at others, but always wild and untamed. And always open for her to read.
But not now. Something was in the way, and her young mind was troubled by this. She had never encountered another with her own ability, and was perplexed by it. The concept of controlling the weather was a thought that had not yet presented itself to her, as such her mind now faced an overwhelming proposition far beyond her comprehension; someone else had created and controlled that storm. And that someone else was still out there.
With her attention raptly drawn to this nearing paradox she hadn't noticed as her companion approached and laid at her feet, nor as the captain came to stand beside her.

He cleared is throat, startling the girl out of her intense focus.
"What's..." he began, but she cut him off.
"Something's wrong." She looked scared.
That fear alarmed him.
"What?"
"I don't understand why it's doing that. All the air is going that way." She pointed inland. "The big currents are changing direction to go there."

Realization crept into his mind. Someone, or something, was controling the weather. And that person was here in their homeland, dangerously close to their village. He tugged worriedly at his thickly braided beard. The rocky cliffs of the norseland coast loomed closer as the longship altered course, running parallel and farther north.

They were about a half day's sail from the river mouth that marked the entrance to Skålvik. The village was built atop a small hill that bordered the river, encircled by a wall of spiked stakes. The intent was anti-cavalry, though mainly it kept wolves out and children in. The woodshingled rooves and log walls of the longhouses were unlike the dwellings of any of the southern regions, more solid and homey in the captain's biased oppinion.

Though the village was heavily fortified, it's walls were no barrier to the wind that now sliced like blades at the direction of some unknown foe. Now a tornado tore at the town square, now gusts of wind ripped off rooves and caved in walls. Now daggers of air brought blood to the lips and townsfolk to the ground. Not a whimper nor a scream was audible above the howl of the hell-bent winds.
All at the discretion of a sightless foe.

Though understanding was an unknown dove that lit upon the mind, the girl knew. In her heart or through whatever nameless sense the wind spoke she knew now, the truth. The village was gone. And her young heart knew, it was her fault.

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[Minus]

I sure can't tell that you haven't written down any stories before. If that is a sample it would appear that you have a talent for it and that should get honed even further with continued writing. Even with my short attention span these days i read it all, and would read more.

 

[Bluey]

but for now, chew on this.

LOL
I mean you say chew on this then you go on to white up a chapter like that. It was quit poetic in placers I thought as well.

I like how she used the wind as a weapon. If it was her?

 

[Qui]

but for now, chew on this.

LOL
I mean you say chew on this then you go on to white up a chapter like that. It was quit poetic in placers I thought as well.

I like how she used the wind as a weapon. If it was her?

you'll see!
I'm not going to spoil it for you

 

[evanescencefan91]

it's good, keep up the writting i really like it

 

[Qui]

-----------Chapter-3--------------Andraste----------------------------------------------

When the world falls apart, at what point do you tell them? How long do you let them sit with that tickling worry before crushing their hope? Tell them too soon draws it out, prolongs that sickening emptiness in the gut, prolongs suffering. Tell them too late and it's you, your fault they didn't have time to stop it. Even when you knew it couldn't be stopped. Not with their power, not with yours. It's all you. Your words will kill them. The only question is when to swing the axe to seal their fate. The question is, what do you do?

The question is, do you even say anything?

The question is, do you do anything at all?


As they neared the river that would take them to the foot of the village the winds danced continually wilder. The sailors braced their backs and bowed their heads as they rowed onwards towards the approaching river mouth.

The girl stood transfixed at the bow, gaze never wavering from the coast and their destination. The wind was her people, her country, her home. Surely, since wind was her gift, this halo of destruction that hovered above Skålvik must also be her burden. Now the winds where shifting, blowing not inshore but back out to sea. The change was not a wonder to her, but rather the puzzle of what she had done to spark such a thing as this attack on Skålvik. For surely simple sailors could not be to blame?

The wind picked up speed and force as they neared the river, becoming a roaring gale as they entered the river canyon. The sailors knew this was wrong, and each felt the terror grip his heart at what might be found in the nearing village.

The steep cliff faces to either side where cold and lifeless as the winds poured through, slowing the ship's pace to a barely maintained crawl. Still they beat onwards upriver, fighting the gale to make their way home. There was a desperation now, and the girl realized it with a start. The men where warriors, they solved their issues with blades wrought of iron, and the scene they would soon find would clearly point blame to her. A new fear thus dawned on her, a fear of not only the powers that destroyed Skålvik but also of the men who had sailed with for this long year.

The wolf picked up on this new fear and his cool, reassuring voice cut into her thoughts.
'we should run,' Fener spoke into her mind, 'as soon as we reach the shore.'
'mhm' she thought back.
'They'll blame us.'
'I don't understand it.'
'Was it you?'
'I don't know.' She thought a bit. 'I didn't do anything.'
'It's something else?'
'Mh. But why?'
He didn't have an answer.

As they rounded the bend of the river, each man felt the panic in his heart. Surely a scout should have seen their approach from up the river and sent others to greet them. By now they all knew something was terribly wrong. The howling winds added to the rising fear as the sailors

The ship cut through choppy waves to crunch on the small sandy beach of the usually quietly sheltered inlet. Here the wind screamed stronger still as it raced back out to sea. The wind carried with it the emptiness of the shattered village.

With hollow hearts the men looked upon a scene so familiar, like every plundered village they had left smoldering in their wake come back to haunt them. But this was different. It was home.

Before the ship hit the beach the men were already leaping out to splash through waist deep water, struggling through the bitter cold to reach the ruined village. Their rage and anger drove them onwards into the courtyard square of the ruins of Skålvik, and through seething eyes they took in a destruction not wrought by human hands.

"This was the wind!" On screamed.
"The gods! Why do they punish us?"
"Not the gods." boomed the voice of the captain, his words dripping with hate, "That wench has betrayed us. The girl, who else could it have been?"

Said girl slipped quietly from the ship onto the beach, followed shortly by Fener. The wolf's paws left deep tracks as they dashed off towards the forest, cutting through the edge of the ruined village. They struggled through ruins and fresh snow, pressing onwards to escape the crew and their fate.

In the village square, almost as if to answer the captain's question, a hulking shape lumbered around from behind the smoking ruins of a smithy. The nearest men shrank back at the sight of the beast before drawing weapons to face it.

"Trolls!" another man came running down from the upper village. "It was trolls!"
He stopped in his tracks upon seeing another such beast turning on his comrades. The men rushed to attack, all thoughts of the girl gone from their mind as the fog of battle closed their senses to all but the fight before them.

Another two trolls, draw by the shouts, rushed to back the first as the sailors unleashed their desperation upon mountain-like beasts.

The clang of swords and the whistling wind engulfed every ear as the men overwhelmed the beast. Each troll fell, and then with a deafening roar the raging winds coalesced upon the square, throwing a blinding flurry of snow into every eye. The wind dissipated, and a man stood, calmly, in the square.

"You!" The captain roared, brandishing his longsword at the strange figure.
"Mmm, yes?" The man smiled, an icy smile that chilled to the bone.
With malice in his eyes the captain charged him, sword held aloft. He swung, what would have been a killing blow.
But he struck only empty air. The man now stood beside him, light on his feet and calm in is stance. The captain swing again, to the same avail.
"What have you done?" the captain cried, "Why?"
"Why!" The man laughed bitterly. "Why? I should ask you!"

The girl heard the clang of swords and, personal danger pushed aside, was overcome with curiosity. She watched this exchange from the edge of the square, out of site from those around.

"You pillage and plunder. You understand the trade." The man said. "I do not seek wealth or benefit here, merely vengeance."
"What are you talking about?" The captain swung again with his full strength, though the stranger dodged again without a scratch. "Who are you?"
"I am Andraste, and your me have destroyed my village!" The man screamed in reply as he threw the captain back with a gust of wind.
"And elemental?" The captain's voice rose in fear. "You're like that girl! Well, you can't have her if that's what you want! She's mine, I found her!"

'We go now.' Fener tugged lightly on her sleeve. The girl nodded, and the pair turned and ran through deep snowdrifts into the waiting woods.

"What?" Andraste stopped, startled by the captain's words. "An elemental, you say? Well, that might merit some investigation." The captain's eyes widened, then he dropped to his knees as the stranger's swift dagger pierced his heart. And with another flurry of wind and snow, Andraste was gone.

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[Bluey]

That was amazing. Am glad the trolls where defeated lol

This new guy really seams like a cool character.

Kinder reminded me of this

 

[Qui]

I finished my story, stored it on a flashdrive, then lost it.
I'll post the rest when I find it.
And then, I'll post the next story. The one over which I am obsessing.
It will be good, I promise. If it's not.... ok, it's just got to be good.
It's got monsters and philosophy. And I'm trying to give it a plot.
So you know, that's all you need, right?
All you need is liberal doses of action, adventure, monsters, bad people, good people, ugly people, pretty people, weird looking floral arangements, more monsters, more very pretty and also very bad people, kind and beautiful single teens of royal descent to be rescued, romance, murder, broken kneecaps, swords, telepathic talking animals, a little girl with a mysterious destiny (woooo cool, or at least try to act surprised), magic, and my own personal philosophy on fear, consciousness, darkness and light, bad people, good people, and what it means to truly be beautiful. It'll be heartwarming! Touching! Tragic! Amazing!
Or, you, know, at least kinda cool.
Besides, did I mention I was trying to add a plot?

Edit: in case it wasn't clear (it wasn't) this new story is about the same girl as the first one, just like 6 or 8 years later. 7 to be exact.

 

[Rebel001]

i thought this was really good, you really have talent for writing cant wait to see more

 

[darkwall]

The one thing I'd say, is that learning punctuation will help you to convey your meaning to the reader more effectively. Also, watch the repetition of words, with "unknown" and "fine" cropping up fairly close together. But you were able to recreate the feeling of being on board a ship, and the girl is interesting (who is she? what are her powers? etc.) .... I enjoyed reading this.

 

[Qui]

The one thing I'd say, is that learning punctuation will help you to convey your meaning to the reader more effectively. Also, watch the repetition of words, with "unknown" and "fine" cropping up fairly close together. But you were able to recreate the feeling of being on board a ship, and the girl is interesting (who is she? what are her powers? etc.) .... I enjoyed reading this.

Punctuation? Ah, my love affair with the comma has been revealed.
Thank you for pointing out that repetition, I try to refrain from doing that, but obviously to no avail. And here I go again, what with the commas and starting sentences with "and". My grammar sickens me sometimes, though you're perhaps the only other person to comment on it.
I was making an attempt with this little prequel to get people to ask themselves the same questions you ask here (and no, I don't mean "does she know she's over-using commas?"). I wonder, do you think perhaps I should give more information about her here? I know all about her, but intentionally the reader knows very little. I only wonder if perhaps I made her to much a shallow character, so that no one would be interested in digging through a much longer story to find out even so much as her name. As things are, I do intend to withhold her name much longer than the other question, being "what are her powers?". I began to address this in the 4th chapter, but as I have stated previously, that flashdrive grew legs and ran away. Hence the unanswered questions.

Thanks for reading and for pointing out my faults. In the future I shall make a greater attemt to limit my word repetition and comma use.

 

[darkwall]

Well, why not try using semi-colons and colons? I felt that your first few sentences especially suffered through the lack of these excellent writer's tools.

 

[evanescencefan91]

you know i've never really been told what colons and semi colons are specificaly used for, all i've really thought of as a fancy comma. for I myself believe them to useless except for the wonderful smilie faces i make with them



hello happy, just seeing a texted smilie face just makes it feel like everything will be alright

 

[Qui]

I read that book "Eats Shoots and Leaves", pretty interesting.
You'd never think that a book about grammar could be so funny, but it rocks.
I should probably re-read that. I'd recomend that to anyone who cares a lick about grammar.

 

[NeverMore]

Punctuation? Ah, my love affair with the comma has been revealed.
Thank you for pointing out that repetition, I try to refrain from doing that, but obviously to no avail. And here I go again, what with the commas and starting sentences with "and". My grammar sickens me sometimes, though you're perhaps the only other person to comment on it.
I was making an attempt with this little prequel to get people to ask themselves the same questions you ask here (and no, I don't mean "does she know she's over-using commas?"). I wonder, do you think perhaps I should give more information about her here? I know all about her, but intentionally the reader knows very little. I only wonder if perhaps I made her to much a shallow character, so that no one would be interested in digging through a much longer story to find out even so much as her name. As things are, I do intend to withhold her name much longer than the other question, being "what are her powers?". I began to address this in the 4th chapter, but as I have stated previously, that flashdrive grew legs and ran away. Hence the unanswered questions.

Thanks for reading and for pointing out my faults. In the future I shall make a greater attemt to limit my word repetition and comma use.

*gets out flash drive hunting rifle*

Time to go flash drive hunting!

*cocks gun loudly like they do in the movies*