Fighting with my only friend

[mead0wlark]

I'm not sure what to do...

My one friend (ever) got a new girlfriend. We went from spending 90% of our time together (we were roommates) to spending maybe a couple hours a week. During that time I became even more depressed about my life than I was before. He had new friends and a gf, and I have nothing. No friends, no boyfriend, no career... I got overwhelmingly sad and cried all the time. And I felt extremely hurt that he would just ditch his so-called 'best friend' when I'm having such problems. I understand his point of view (hey, he finally got another gf. I'd want to spend a lot of time with that person too), but I was still hurt that I meant nothing to him. And that made me no fun to be around. He ignored my calls & texts, he constantly canceled plans, and I felt like he completely didn't care about how I was feeling. (He'd tell you I was overly needy). He says he DOES care, but saying and doing are two entirely different things.

And after 3 months of being hurt over and over (and communicating this over and over), I got mean. Really mean. I cruelly made fun of his gf, even though I knew that was so wrong and not really the reason I was mad. I made him feel guilty for not spending time with me and even exaggerated my suicidal thoughts hoping that would scare him. That pushed us farther apart.

Now, we're at the point where he says he doesn't have the emotional energy to be my friend. He feels like I'm blaming him for my depression and he's always having to defend himself. I feel like I've been a horrible person, but have at least owned up to it and apologized. I really haven't gotten any impression that he recognizes that he is at least PART of the problem.

We haven't talked for about 2 weeks now. That's total torture for me. We used to email/chat all day long and hang out a couple times a week. We used to have FUN. I used to at least have SOMEBODY who knows what I'm going through and who I can talk about how sad I am with. He knew me better than anyone on earth, and I liked that. I miss regular conversations. I miss talking about all the little things that happened in our day. I want to know how his life is going because I genuinely care. Now I have absolutely nobody to talk to and I'm beyond lonely.

I'm sad that he hasn't called to see how I'm doing. Or to attempt to work things out. I'm sad that he doesn't seem to miss me.

I don't know if I'm supposed to walk away from this friendship of 7 years -- the only friendship I've ever had. Or if I should work to make it better. I feel stupid contacting him. I feel desperate and weak. I try SO HARD not to contact him, but I feel like if I don't, he'll think I'm not interested in working things out and the friendship will just fizzle away...

I'm trying to fill my time up with classes, sports, clubs.... Just so I don't have time to think about how sad I am. And to give us some space. But it's really hard.

I don't know what to do....

 

[Naval_Fluff]

You're never truly friends with someone until you've had a good tussle with them...show 'em your true colors. Maybe you should talk to him about it, not accusingly, but just casually bring it up, be like "Hey, what's been up man? we haven't been hanging out as often as we used to!" You also have to realise that if he really loves this girl, of course she's gonna hog up most of his time! That's how it is with love. That girl is probably at the top of his list of priorities right now...I know that sounds harsh, but it's just the way of the world. Either way I wish you good luck! And whatever path you choose I hope you get this thing sorted out as quick as possible

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

hey, sorry to hear about your situation. it is hard losing a close friend with whom you have spent so much of your time together. it sounds as though things got quite rough between the two of you and taking a bit of a breather is a good idea i think.

you guys have been friends for a long time and it sounds like you were very close, this bond will not just disappear and hopefully things havent reached a point of no return.

Fluff is right in that he has just entered a new relationship and there is a honeymoon period where he will spend a lot of time with her. try and be patient and focus on yourself for a time. you cannot force him or anyone for that matter to spend more time with you. it has to be their choice. it sounds as though he has already retracted to a certain extent but it doesnt have to be forever.

i acknowledge the fact that you feel very hurt, and i'm sure he knows this too. give it some time. take care of yourself for now.

you have my warm sympathies.

 

[mead0wlark]

Thanks guys.

I TOTALLY get that she comes first and he'll spend the vast majority of time with her (or any future girlfriend). And I'm learning to be fine with that. It's just that the girlfriend is saying we're not allowed to be friends AT ALL. No time spent together, no phone calls, no emails. It's me or her, basically. And what hurts is that he's willing to go along with it.

I don't get how anyone who supposedly loves another person could force them to give up their only friend. I understand how she would be jealous, since I'm a girl, but to say we're not allowed any contact??

 

[Naval_Fluff]

What? She actually said that? That's not healthy, for him or you. She's being a little bit controlling there. What happens if they get married? You should bring this up to him, let him know what she's doing, unless he already knows about it.

 

[mead0wlark]

What? She actually said that? That's not healthy, for him or you. She's being a little bit controlling there. What happens if they get married? You should bring this up to him, let him know what she's doing, unless he already knows about it.

She didn't say it to me -- just to him, and then he told me that's why we "need some space". For both our sake's, I wish he'd wake up and see what's going on here, but I've said my opinion so there's not much more I can do. Like power2thepeople said, I can't force it. I think he'll forgive me for being so needy and mean lately because I've sincerely apologized, but this issue is one that won't get resolved unless he changes his mind (or the gf changes hers, I guess).

Sometimes I see the bright side of my situation. I've really learned a lot from the past few months about who I am and what type of friend I want to be. Pain really brings out compassion. **edit: And it has made me less shy. When you're at your lowest, sometimes you have nothing to lose by doing something dangerous (like saying 'hi' to the cute guy at the coffee shop )

It's weird how I have some moments where I'm so clear-headed and can think this thing out sanely, and others where I feel like the world is ending. I hope the future brings more sanity

 

[samba101]

Yes I remember that time, once my best friend got a boyfriend I was totally non existant our friendship ceased to exist, it pretty much hurt for years and after she got married she wanted to be friends again but I just wasn't interested. This went on a few years until she broke down and apologised, now were back to being bestfriends again.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Changes is hard for everyone.
Rejections is not easy to swallow.

Losing someone that was a major part of your life is not easy to accept or process.
Please give yourself a break. Forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you made.

I still have long time friends from my childhood...though we're not as closed as we used to be.
I've been on both sides. Some of my closest friends moved on with their lives as I've moved on with mine.

I'm powerless over poeple, place and things.
This phrase took me a while grasp.

Acceptence is a son of a bitch for the most part.
Letting go dosn't come easy.

Becoming my own best friend was a new concept to grasp and practice.
Loving myself and being responsible for my own happiness is like going against the grain.

It took me being involved in long term relationship that went sour and still continue
to be sour...My ex is never going act right or mends anything...
It took me a while to relized I was waiting for her to get her **** together so I can be happy.

It took someone really, really close to me to died.
Right, wrong , indifference she's not coming back.
I don't know why ???

Reality slapps me in the face everyday and every morning when I awaken.
Am I going to be happy today or Am I going to be sad ?
I consiously or unconsiously make this chioce.
Whether I think I do it or not... dosn't matter.
I make this chioce whether I'm aware of it nor not.
More and more I become aware of making this chioce...through reliving the pains and making mistakes.
Eventaully..I'm grasping it....whatever how long and whatever I had to go through.
I'm more assertive with myself. I've learn to cutted out the middle man/women of my happiness.
I chose to be happy today. Just for today. Just for this hour. Just for this moment.