Riven
Member
People set such wonderful goals: getting a new job, learning a new language, you know, inspirational things.
I also have goals. Things like studying further, or moving to a colder climate. Lately I've been trying to achieve the goal of getting closer to my family, and even opening myself up to romance again. Also positive.
But there is something wrong with me. There is a shadow in me, an alter ego. A filthy creature of hate and mistrust, writhing and crawling under my skin. It stalks my thoughts and whispers in the background of my inner voice. This version of me has goals too, but they are not inspirational or positive. No, these goals are sinister; malevolent scriptures of the church of loneliness, and my calls of angst it's hymns.
There is a part of me that aims to be alone. And it is stronger than my conscious mind. It has been trained over the years of my life; years of abuse and neglect, betrayal and abandonment. It is convinced that I am better off alone, safer, at peace. It works in the background to achieve this safety.
This shadow likes anxiety, and it is its favourite tool. Whenever I plan something social or romantic, it starts to weave it's magic, pushing my anxiety up and up. It's next favourite tool is excuses. From the anxiety it makes my mind search for excuses to escape, to run, to get away to safety. And with these tools it produces self sabotage, where I become my own enemy.
I know this shadowy beast, and how it works it's dark plot. I told myself just knowing is half the victory. But when trying to get close to my family again recently, it overcame me once again, even though I tried to prepare myself for it. The anxiety built up, I looked for excuses, and self sabotaged. I had to watch it all unfold like a low budget movie; how I threw away my happy goals for loneliness...once again.
But the shadow seems to have grown particularly nasty since I'm trying to be aware of it, to avoid it. I ended up burning bridges and hurting people I care for. It seems that it not only wants me to be alone, but it wants me to ruin my family relationship beyond repair. And it won.
I give up. The shadow is now who I am, and I'm destined for the bitter resentment and loneliness of some twilight reality. Like a guy twisted by some practical transformation effects from a 90's movie, I've transformed into a lone wolf before my very own eyes. Not by the power of moonlight, but by the pains of reality and the nature and terror of people. I've been shaped by trauma, and I'm broken, unable to return, even if I want to.
"Is this the real life? Or is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality."
If you got this far, thanks for reading. It feels good just to say how I feel sometimes.
I also have goals. Things like studying further, or moving to a colder climate. Lately I've been trying to achieve the goal of getting closer to my family, and even opening myself up to romance again. Also positive.
But there is something wrong with me. There is a shadow in me, an alter ego. A filthy creature of hate and mistrust, writhing and crawling under my skin. It stalks my thoughts and whispers in the background of my inner voice. This version of me has goals too, but they are not inspirational or positive. No, these goals are sinister; malevolent scriptures of the church of loneliness, and my calls of angst it's hymns.
There is a part of me that aims to be alone. And it is stronger than my conscious mind. It has been trained over the years of my life; years of abuse and neglect, betrayal and abandonment. It is convinced that I am better off alone, safer, at peace. It works in the background to achieve this safety.
This shadow likes anxiety, and it is its favourite tool. Whenever I plan something social or romantic, it starts to weave it's magic, pushing my anxiety up and up. It's next favourite tool is excuses. From the anxiety it makes my mind search for excuses to escape, to run, to get away to safety. And with these tools it produces self sabotage, where I become my own enemy.
I know this shadowy beast, and how it works it's dark plot. I told myself just knowing is half the victory. But when trying to get close to my family again recently, it overcame me once again, even though I tried to prepare myself for it. The anxiety built up, I looked for excuses, and self sabotaged. I had to watch it all unfold like a low budget movie; how I threw away my happy goals for loneliness...once again.
But the shadow seems to have grown particularly nasty since I'm trying to be aware of it, to avoid it. I ended up burning bridges and hurting people I care for. It seems that it not only wants me to be alone, but it wants me to ruin my family relationship beyond repair. And it won.
I give up. The shadow is now who I am, and I'm destined for the bitter resentment and loneliness of some twilight reality. Like a guy twisted by some practical transformation effects from a 90's movie, I've transformed into a lone wolf before my very own eyes. Not by the power of moonlight, but by the pains of reality and the nature and terror of people. I've been shaped by trauma, and I'm broken, unable to return, even if I want to.
"Is this the real life? Or is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality."
If you got this far, thanks for reading. It feels good just to say how I feel sometimes.
