Finally achieved my goal...

[Riven]

People set such wonderful goals: getting a new job, learning a new language, you know, inspirational things.

I also have goals. Things like studying further, or moving to a colder climate. Lately I've been trying to achieve the goal of getting closer to my family, and even opening myself up to romance again. Also positive.

But there is something wrong with me. There is a shadow in me, an alter ego. A filthy creature of hate and mistrust, writhing and crawling under my skin. It stalks my thoughts and whispers in the background of my inner voice. This version of me has goals too, but they are not inspirational or positive. No, these goals are sinister; malevolent scriptures of the church of loneliness, and my calls of angst it's hymns.

There is a part of me that aims to be alone. And it is stronger than my conscious mind. It has been trained over the years of my life; years of abuse and neglect, betrayal and abandonment. It is convinced that I am better off alone, safer, at peace. It works in the background to achieve this safety.

This shadow likes anxiety, and it is its favourite tool. Whenever I plan something social or romantic, it starts to weave it's magic, pushing my anxiety up and up. It's next favourite tool is excuses. From the anxiety it makes my mind search for excuses to escape, to run, to get away to safety. And with these tools it produces self sabotage, where I become my own enemy.

I know this shadowy beast, and how it works it's dark plot. I told myself just knowing is half the victory. But when trying to get close to my family again recently, it overcame me once again, even though I tried to prepare myself for it. The anxiety built up, I looked for excuses, and self sabotaged. I had to watch it all unfold like a low budget movie; how I threw away my happy goals for loneliness...once again.

But the shadow seems to have grown particularly nasty since I'm trying to be aware of it, to avoid it. I ended up burning bridges and hurting people I care for. It seems that it not only wants me to be alone, but it wants me to ruin my family relationship beyond repair. And it won.

I give up. The shadow is now who I am, and I'm destined for the bitter resentment and loneliness of some twilight reality. Like a guy twisted by some practical transformation effects from a 90's movie, I've transformed into a lone wolf before my very own eyes. Not by the power of moonlight, but by the pains of reality and the nature and terror of people. I've been shaped by trauma, and I'm broken, unable to return, even if I want to.

"Is this the real life? Or is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality."

If you got this far, thanks for reading. It feels good just to say how I feel sometimes.

 

[okidoke]

It's a nicely written post. Like a script for a movie in some ways. I think some people on this forum know exactly where you're coming from. I would like to ask if you've ever seen a psychotherapist and delved into your thought processes? If it's destructive to you then you might need such help, but if it's something you can live with successfully, then so be it, as long as you're not causing harm to yourself or others.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

"When you close your doors and make darkness within, remember never to say you are alone, for you are not alone, nay, G-d is within, and your genius is within. And what need have they of light, to see what you are doing?" -Epectitus (emphasis added by me)

This might be a fake internet quote, but, I've had it stored away for some time now: was reminded of it.

As for me @Riven , I tend towards optimism: that there is hope. Or, at least I like to think so.

Eloquently put post..

 

[Riven]

It's a nicely written post. Like a script for a movie in some ways. I think some people on this forum know exactly where you're coming from. I would like to ask if you've ever seen a psychotherapist and delved into your thought processes? If it's destructive to you then you might need such help, but if it's something you can live with successfully, then so be it, as long as you're not causing harm to yourself or others.

The post is a bit bleak, but I think it captures how I felt in that moment. I am working on the problem and therapy is part of that, but sometimes there is a kind of relapse where I just feel like I will never get better, I will always be alone, and resignation somehow feels like a comfort. At least I did not isolate for days and weeks on end this time, so there is improvement. I talked with one of my family members today, even though it was tough and I felt shame. But I do feel better. And even if its not apparent, there is some method to the madness. I will share some of the method in a reply to @TropicalStarfish since I cant seem to figure out how to quote multiple people in one reply.

 

[Riven]

"When you close your doors and make darkness within, remember never to say you are alone, for you are not alone, nay, G-d is within, and your genius is within. And what need have they of light, to see what you are doing?" -Epectitus (emphasis added by me)

This might be a fake internet quote, but, I've had it stored away for some time now: was reminded of it.

As for me @Riven , I tend towards optimism: that there is hope. Or, at least I like to think so.

Eloquently put post..

I really like that quote and there is and interesting coincidence, or synchronicity as some would say. You may not believe me but I spent the early morning hours today praying about loneliness. I wondered about the part in Genesis where G-d said that it is not good for man to be alone, and how he made Eve. I wondered if the story had more symbolic value, where Adam represents early humankind, and Eve represents our spirituality and way of connecting to G-d. Anyway, I wont get into religion, but the coincidence is interesting.

I also prefer being positive, but like I said to @okidoke there is method to the madness of such a bleak post. Carl Jung promoted something called Active Imagination (not sure if you are familiar with it). For me it is a process of creative writing without much planning or rule, which allows archetypes of the psyche to present as characters in the story. Then one analyzes the story to find hints of what the subconscious (unconscious mind) is dealing with. One obvious character in my post that emerged is the Shadow (the uncomfortable parts of the self, or undesired parts). Jung promoted acknowledgment of the Shadow and integration of it to attain a psychological balance or wholeness. So in a way writing about shadows and wolves helps me to grow, although the story may seem dire.

Today I feel better. You know, without creative writing I may have been lost to the abyss a long time ago.

 

[okidoke]

Whatever gets you thru.