Flaking out on date

[theglasscell]

So I met this girl on Okcupid who seemed really cool. She is into all the same bands as me and was really easy to talk to, at least online and in text.

She texted me on Friday to see if I'd want to hang out on Saturday.

I made plans with her to go to play pool in the city.

Then in the morning after I got off work I started getting crazy anxious about it, not just meeting her but going downtown where it's crazy crowded on Saturdays and just the whole thing. I felt so anxious and shy I just told her that straight out, I texted her and cancelled the date. I was honest about my reasons.

She seemed fine with it and didn't get angry.

My real issue is that I would like to date someone, but I have lost all confidence in myself, and have started to be scared to go on these blind dates. I've had a lot turn out bad in the past so I get scared it will be another bad experience that I don't need.

But I know you have to take risks and risk getting rejected to find someone you connect with.

I just had having this crippling shyness and anxiety, it's only when I'm alone too. Like I was out with my friends last night and it never even occurs to me to be shy but when I'm alone I feel terrified.

I almost feel like I need to hire a guy just to walk around with me so I can do normal chores like grocery shopping without being too scared to leave my house.

If it's something like going to work I have no problem though. I sometimes wonder if it's because I've been on the night shift so many years.

Going out early in the day or in sunlight seems to terrify me, but leaving my apartment at 1am is totally not an issue.

I am just confused, I hate feeling crippled by shyness, and how random it is.

I mean I speak in front of large groups of people on a weekly basis, telling really personal stories about myself, like really humiliating things, and I don't feel shy at all.

People will often say they are amazed by my confidence, so why it just going to the store across the street or my building's laundry room overwhelms me with fear?

It's just the fact that it seems to fluctuate so much, I can't figure out what causes it to come on so suddenly almost like an attack of fear and shyness and then other days I am the opposite where I feel so comfortable I can do anything.

 

[Alienated]

Wow dude... I do the same thing, I go shopping at 3 am. But I think for different reasons... I don't know. But here's why I don't go out during the day. I think that I pick up on other peoples emotions... Kinda like empathy , I can sense how other people are up set... But in a crowd I get over loaded, my nervous system goes haywire. It's gotten better, but I got PTSD pretty bad... and maybe that's the difference.

I'm good around about 5 to 10 people.... But that's it.... do you think that by you being alone you like stick out, and everybody notices you more.

 

[theglasscell]

Yeah, I think I stick out in general.

I try not to but it's hard because I'm really tall.

I think a lot of it has to do with bad experiences and being bullied as a kid, and I never really got over the fear from it.

And also the fact that it has happened as an adult.

When I was 31 I was walking past the high school near my mother's house, and I got surrounded by high school football players who were callling me a faggot and threatening me. Just for no other reason but that I happened to walk by them.

And before that I was reading a book on he train and these guys leaving the stadium after a Mets game sat near me and just spent the whole train ride making fun of me and calling me four eyes, because I happened to be wearing glasses sometimes.

When I told my friend some of these stories he was just like "Wow you are really unlucky." He seems to think that stuff is just pure bad luck more than me being strange in any way.

But that stuff makes me paranoid about going out, just like bad rejections make me scared to go on dates.

I think being really young looking might be an issue I think.

I was going to these AA meetings and these two teenage boys were acting really nice to me and kept wanting me to come to these teen meetings with them, so I was going and I thought they just wanted an older guy to share his story with them, and at some point I realized they thought I was a teenager.

That is actually kind of funny, and those kids were nice, but sometimes looking way younger than your age can be a curse.

I think being on the night shift so long is a big part of my current anxiety. You have to adjust to being more active and awake in the dark to be able to handle that for work, so the daytime starts to seem weird.

It's hell on your social life, especially if you are shy person to begin with.

When I was in my 20s and married I really didn't like to socialize or go out much. I just liked to spend time with my wife and son and go places with them. I wasn't into parties or bars or big crowds. Unless me and her went to see a band we liked or a horror convention.

And in AA meetings I am fine.

People are generally so kind and they don't judge you so I don't feel shy.

I think a big part of why I flaked on this date is because the last time I went on one the girl was a cop and she basically grilled me the whole time, it was a miserable first date, she asked me so many hard personal questions and I start worrying every girl will be that way.

I know everyone is different though. For all I know it would have been fun but I psyched myself out.

 

[Unbinilium]

Some time ago, acquaintances and friends would ask of I wanted to hang out with them. I would almost always decline because I was always too shy to hang out with too many people. I just didn't think I would be fun to be around and I thought I'd just stay in the back of the group going where everyone else goes. Such invites declined and these days, they are so rare because people just think I'm the sort of person who doesn't like hanging out and such.

Recently, I accepted and acquaintance's invitation to hang out with a group of her friends. I just stayed behind the group the whole time, speaking only when spoken to while trying to force myself to smile to act friendly. the only respite from this was when the group split up to go to the different stores in the mall. As I was the only male in the group, I went an entirely different way. The females went to the clothing stores and the like. The first store I visited along was the Radioshack after which i visited a sports equipment store.

But more normally, I would flake out on meetups and group hang outs and make an excuse that I had somewhere to be or something to do.

Unlike you, I suck at speaking in front of any sort of group except my immediate family. Even if the group is friendly, I find myself intimidated and minimize what I say.

 

[LoneKiller]

Hi theglasscell.

I used to go through what you are dealing with right now. What worked for me is just doing it. You are comfortable in certain situations, but not others. What you need to do is make some minor but important adjustments.

Work on one thing at a time. Slowly integrate your comfort zone with your uncomfortable zone. Before you know it, you will be comfortable. You can't let social fear dictate your life. You must confront it. Take the good with the bad. I'm certain that it will work if you want it bad enough. There are many out there just as scared as you are and are taking steps to cure it. You can do it. Don't let this beat you. You've come a long way just by posting here.


Godspeed.
LK

 

[ardour]

Well at least you had the decency to let her know and honestly explained the situation. That's more than a lot of wom*cough* I meant people would do for an almost total stranger.