Forties and Forgotten thread..

[ardour]

Mid 30's again (sorry) Been continually beating this drum but without the approval of a partner and a large group of friends men have the additional "he must have something wrong with him" stigma to contend with. Sometimes I think I may as well have a 'potential stalker + rapist' sign hung around my head.

I'm not pretty but have been told I look a bit younger, so I try and avoid stating my age. But there's no way I'm going to lie if asked and that's when you get the look, followed by a mixture of bemusement and wariness. My mother was ill for a few years which would have complicated things when it came to friends/travel/partner, but it probably would have turned out similarly anyway given my penchant for making bad impressions and stuffing things up.

It's particularly galling to see people a decade younger married or having lived in defacto relationships for years... don't want to know now.

 

[Lost Drifter]

It's particularly galling to see people a decade younger married or having lived in defacto relationships for years... don't want to know now.

Amen to that. For some time I developed an intense dislike of younger, settled people. The folks who are forever having busy weekends or going out with their families after work. It makes me wonder where I went wrong, like I'm some sort of screw up and if I will ever walk on the same path as them. There is only so long that "things will work out for me too" keeps me going.

 

[Tiina63]

I feel the same way. The 'things will work out for me too' belief is becoming harder all the time for me to believe in. Yes, it is galling to see so many younger people settled with partners and family. I worry that there must be something wrong with me because I am still alone.

 

[sk66rc]

I hope no one minds me breaking this down by age but I thought there are sometimes specific issues related to certain age.

I am 43 and it is getting very tough. First... EVERYONE at work is married or has kids. So I have lots of friends but on the weekend... they have stuff to do. Second, if they don't have kids or husband responsibilities they have sick / elderly parent things to do.

My parents have passed and I have a brother but he is pretty much the same. He has a kid and can hardly keep up with all his responsibilities.

It seems impossible to make friends with anyone or, find anyone like me.

Anyone in their 40s feel the same?

I'm 43 myself & I do see the same trend as you do... Though in my case, it doesn't really bother me, most of my friends are married with kids... And speaking of weekends, I work retail & it doesn't make it any easier because I work a lot of weekends... I have 1 friend who's close to my age but still single & I haven't spoken to him in almost a year... I guess it's a good thing that I enjoy my alone time as much as I do... I see it can be a problem...

 

[SonDEre-ix]

If you're looking for a good time, I'm down. I happen to like "mature" ladies.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

^LMAO- that was subtle

47 and no real clue as to what it's supposed to 'feel' like or where I fit in. I've found stability and satisfaction in my 2nd career that lends to the illusion of having my **** together. I'm pretty unconcerned with others opinions as to where I should be in life- I was in a pretty dark place for a couple of years and as I've been leaving it behind I've found a zest for life and appreciation of the small things once again.

 

[Triple Bogey]

46 this month. Don't give a flying **** what other people think or what I'm supposed to do.
I know I'm a nice person. If I'm overlooked then so be it.
Single is a lot better than a bad relationship anyway.
Let her choose the other bloke.
I don't care.

 

[SofiasMami]

46 this month. Don't give a flying **** what other people think or what I'm supposed to do.
I know I'm a nice person. If I'm overlooked then so be it.
Single is a lot better than a bad relationship anyway.
Let her choose the other bloke.
I don't care.

Have to say I'm of the same mindset. Being single, especially in the 40+ age group is not a tragedy, disease or affliction. I like spending time alone. When I feel lonely, I seek out other people. Nothing weird or forgotten about that.

-Teresa

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I'm in the same boat. I'm 40 years old and single. You know what doesn't help? Our culture places way too much importance on chronological age. It's just a number. There are other singles out there, our age, older and younger, it doesn't matter, we're just not expanding our horizons enough.

I know it's not easy but just get out there and meet people. Think of it as an opportunity to make friends. Don't give up on love but if you don't find it or if you do and it takes a long time you can still find meaningful platonic relationships called friendships. We all need relationships. I'm a hopeless romantic myself, I will never give up on love. I want to find a love interest, marry him and live happily ever after too. But in the meantime we should embrace the value of making ourselves happy and simply making connections with other people. What is worse? Being lonely without friends and/or family and a romantic partner (totally isolated) or being lonely without a romantic partner but at least you have your friends and/or family?

Platonic relationships can be so fulfilling in their own way. Seek to connect with others without expecting to find love of the romantic kind and you never know, you just might find it. At the same time I'm an advocate for being proactive, don't stop looking for love, proactively date, nothing just falls into our laps, they won't come knocking on our door so we have to take action, just don't get frustrated for not finding it as soon as we'd like, keep going, don't give up. Refuse to conform to society's ridiculous rules that tell you that you must be married before 35. You might meet someone at age 60. You never know.

I know easier said than done. I can think this way because I don't want to have kids anyway. No biological clock, just waiting for my partner in crime to come along.

 

[Peaches]

.

I know it's not easy but just get out there and meet people. Think of it as an opportunity to make friends. Don't give up on love but if you don't find it or if you do and it takes a long time you can still find meaningful platonic relationships called friendships. We all need relationships. I'm a hopeless romantic myself, I will never give up on love.

yes, I firmly intend to love all my cats and dogs, if everything else fails.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

.

I know it's not easy but just get out there and meet people. Think of it as an opportunity to make friends. Don't give up on love but if you don't find it or if you do and it takes a long time you can still find meaningful platonic relationships called friendships. We all need relationships. I'm a hopeless romantic myself, I will never give up on love.

yes, I firmly intend to love all my cats and dogs, if everything else fails.

Animals are great but they do not replace people. This is not what I meant. Classes, meet-up groups, volunteering, getting out and going places where people are, church (Sunday Assembly meetings for me, I'm an atheist), on-line dating. I haven't had any luck with on-line dating but you never know.

 

[Peaches]

.

I know it's not easy but just get out there and meet people. Think of it as an opportunity to make friends. Don't give up on love but if you don't find it or if you do and it takes a long time you can still find meaningful platonic relationships called friendships. We all need relationships. I'm a hopeless romantic myself, I will never give up on love.

yes, I firmly intend to love all my cats and dogs, if everything else fails.

Animals are great but they do not replace people. This is not what I meant. Classes, meet-up groups, volunteering, getting out and going places where people are, church (Sunday Assembly meetings for me, I'm an atheist), on-line dating. I haven't had any luck with on-line dating but you never know.

it was a joke still, if everything else fails…

 

[LadyDaria]

But guys... lets get real here... I find most of the typical suggestions:
meet ups; volunteering; church, to be complete and utter time wasters. I have been to several meetups and I don't make any friends there... if I make friends one week, they don't show for the next one.

Particularly in my 40s it is hard to find people in my age group who are similar to me... who are looking for friends. Heaven forbid that you make a friend at volunteering, they actually think you are there to volunteer and they have their kids when they get home.

At what point is the opportunity cost of searching for these things too high? Instead of wasting my night and energy at a meetup in hope of meeting a good quality friend, I could be home working on a craft I enjoy. If my time were endless I could see I would have nothing to lose, but the truth is... I do. Every moment I spend searching for a friend is another minute of my life falling down the toilet. The 40s seems to be the deadzone of friends so ...

I suspect that when I hit my 50s I will have more friends. Most of my current friends had kids in their early 20s and 30s and thus the kids will be leaving around that time.

I suppose I don't care about what other people think to an extent but I do feel that what other people think about me HAS hurt my career. I was watching "Shark Tank" last night and one of the "sharks" said that he always looks for people to invest with who have families. Because they are more hungry. So basically it does matter.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

But guys... lets get real here... I find most of the typical suggestions:
meet ups; volunteering; church, to be complete and utter time wasters. I have been to several meetups and I don't make any friends there... if I make friends one week, they don't show for the next one.

Particularly in my 40s it is hard to find people in my age group who are similar to me... who are looking for friends. Heaven forbid that you make a friend at volunteering, they actually think you are there to volunteer and they have their kids when they get home.

At what point is the opportunity cost of searching for these things too high? Instead of wasting my night and energy at a meetup in hope of meeting a good quality friend, I could be home working on a craft I enjoy. If my time were endless I could see I would have nothing to lose, but the truth is... I do. Every moment I spend searching for a friend is another minute of my life falling down the toilet. The 40s seems to be the deadzone of friends so ...

I suspect that when I hit my 50s I will have more friends. Most of my current friends had kids in their early 20s and 30s and thus the kids will be leaving around that time.

I suppose I don't care about what other people think to an extent but I do feel that what other people think about me HAS hurt my career. I was watching "Shark Tank" last night and one of the "sharks" said that he always looks for people to invest with who have families. Because they are more hungry. So basically it does matter.

I like to look at it as I have nothing to lose but if I stay at home and don't go out and try to meet people then it's guaranteed that nothing will happen. I feel it's important not to give up and don't look at life experiences as a waste of time. If you're happy by yourself at home doing crafts and not finding opportunities to meet people and possibly make new friends then that is another thing altogether but a lot of us are here because we are lonely. So it seems to me that this requires action for a solution. And if one thing doesn't work out you can always try something else. I just think it's a sad and depressing state of mind to believe that we are doomed to be lonely forever because we have passed the big 40 mark in our lives. We shouldn't think like that. This means nothing more than the fact that we have been alive for 40 years. It doesn't make us losers and it really is a number.
So, I'm 40 now, if I'm still single by age 50 I'm going to sign up with the Our Time dating site for those over 50. I simply refuse to give up.

 

[Peaches]

But guys... lets get real here... I find most of the typical suggestions:
meet ups; volunteering; church, to be complete and utter time wasters. I have been to several meetups and I don't make any friends there... if I make friends one week, they don't show for the next one.

Particularly in my 40s it is hard to find people in my age group who are similar to me... who are looking for friends. Heaven forbid that you make a friend at volunteering, they actually think you are there to volunteer and they have their kids when they get home.

At what point is the opportunity cost of searching for these things too high? Instead of wasting my night and energy at a meetup in hope of meeting a good quality friend, I could be home working on a craft I enjoy. If my time were endless I could see I would have nothing to lose, but the truth is... I do. Every moment I spend searching for a friend is another minute of my life falling down the toilet. The 40s seems to be the deadzone of friends so ...

I suspect that when I hit my 50s I will have more friends. Most of my current friends had kids in their early 20s and 30s and thus the kids will be leaving around that time.

I suppose I don't care about what other people think to an extent but I do feel that what other people think about me HAS hurt my career. I was watching "Shark Tank" last night and one of the "sharks" said that he always looks for people to invest with who have families. Because they are more hungry. So basically it does matter.

well, in the last years the friends I have found came from: volunteering (at something that some may see as a church) , living in the same house for some months/also in the same office, conference and writing stuff together. I still have hope in meet ups, although I completely agree with you that unless you are forced to do stuff together all the time the magic doesn't work. I also go to singles meetings of similar age and I am not against befriending the women too, but a good percentage are kind of bitter and angry about men and they depress me. With one we had a nice conversation and exchanged a few emails, hope to meet her at the next speed dating But yeah, only maybe 10% has a 'window' for new friends, not only you have to meet people of similar age but you also need to meet a lot of them :-/
Before the last years, I would say we bonded only from sharing the same flat, because apparently the kitchen at 2 am was the only place that would make my personality shine, but I was much much more shy than today.

 

[Left4dead]

I'm 48 and utterly alone. I went through a divorce a few years ago, and because of the "lay of the land" I decided I needed a fresh place to start over. Too many memories to stay in the old locale. It took me a couple of years of being nearly destitute for my professional life to develop, but it did develop. Now successful again, I think I'm feeling more pain from the previous life that I had worked so hard at cultivating only to lose over her desire to relive her wild and free twenties. I've been out on many one time only dates, and a few multi-date situations, but I don't feel any chemistry with the women - not a twinge. I think it would be healthier for me if I could let myself hate my ex, but I don't even seem to be able to do that. I have a dozen people that I enjoy spending time with from my profession, but at the end of the day they have spouses, kids, or both. I don't even have a dog anymore. I think finding career traction has made me recognize how lonely I am on weekends. When I had more problems, they all had to share space in my mind. Now loneliness gets more than its share of operating space.

 

[Cucuboth]

But guys... lets get real here... I find most of the typical suggestions:
meet ups; volunteering; church, to be complete and utter time wasters. I have been to several meetups and I don't make any friends there...

This.

To put it bluntly, I tend to find that "putting yourself out there" is pretty much a waste of time if you're putting yourself out there alone. For me, it just highlights my isolation even more. Makes it even more obvious to me that I don't fit in, and don't belong, anywhere or with anyone. And even more, that nobody wants to even try and know me. And when that happens, well, you can't force people to know you.

I guess it works for others though, so ... no surprises, I guess it's just me. Doesn't make the loneliness any less, or the desire for friends and relationships any less. Which makes it harder, because I sure feel like I have no idea of what to do any more ....

 

[Rosewood]

I have always been out of sync. I had children so young. My friends were off at college having fun while I was in PTA and Sunday school with my girls. All three are 25 and up now,

I am still a fairly young very active lady who wants a little fun now, Life is so short so precious and so brief.