Friendship and singles

[4No1]

I have the obessive thoughts and can't get rid of them. So I defentley need to share it with someone...

Almost all my friends are not single and we sometimes go somewhere together. The 3-4 pairs and me. [font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I'm always 3rd/[/font][font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]5th/[/font][font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]7t[/font][font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]h/2n+1th[/font][font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif].[/font] There're a few such companies. Ok, I confess something's wrong with me, but I can't understand why they call me. May be they just pity me, and feel that their's duty to take me with them. I feel outside and odd(in a way like everyone everywhere wear yellow pants while I have red). Sometimes I refuse to go somewhere with friends only because of this feeling.
When I start thinking of it, I realize, that I know only a few persons IRL who are single too, and all the colleagues I communicate with are also in the relationship(where do the all get their yellow pants).
And I also hear often: "oh you're not married? it should be very difficult"(on the countrary in fact: the easiest thing you can do about the marriage- not having it at all)). 
So how not to "fall out" of the friendship just because I'm single... 
Would be great if you share your thoughts. Does anyone communicate with non-single friends? How do you feel?

 

[TheRealCallie]

When I was with my ex, I hung out with single people all the time. Are you sure it's not just in your head? I mean, if they are your friends, you should stop looking at it like they are couples and you are single. You are just a group of friends hanging out together. Doesn't matter if some of them are having sex. You are friends.

 

[Lacrecia]

I personally don't understand why it should be a problem.

Maybe they call you to hang out because they like hanging out with you regardless of whether you're single or not? Why should a friendship be reduced to either being single or in a relationship ?

I guess it's hard to deal with questions such as "why are you still single ?" but a lot of pressure sometimes just disappears when you actually answer the person who asks that with the honest answer.

 

[Finished]

A long time ago, when I was young. Ha! ha! A young neighbor couple liked having me around. The guy was glad I was ugly because his girlfriend had zero interest in me. She was pretty. But, there was no way I was going to make any moves on her. She was completely off limits. So, there was no sexual tension between any of us. We could just hang out like three friends. Sometimes I would pair up with the guy and sometimes I would pair up with the girl. Sometimes I would hop on my motorcycle and take his girlfriend with me. We all enjoyed doing fun things together. Just have fun with whomever and whenever you can.

 

[4No1]

Thanks for sharing the thoughts.
I am defentley sure, the problem is in my head. It's not about any sexual anything it's just a feature I differ from others. Like a standart I don't ft. Logically I do understand, there is no such a standart "only pairs" and it doesn't really matter. I shoud take it easier. May be I should find some more other features as well, but I can't think of any for the moment.

And I've just thought, what if they, I don't know, for example earn much more money or all could sing/swim. I think I'd also felt strange.

 

[mgill]

studies have proven that being physically attractive is not only a huge benefit in romantic relationships, but also in just about every other aspect of one's life-including employment, friends and even family relationships. this is known as the Halo Effect (with the reverse being the Horn or Devil effect pertaining to those of us who are physically unattractive) and is a profundly powerful unconscious bias.

humans just naturally want to be around attractive people and shun unattractive people-this is basic human nature which starts to show when we are infants. in fact, even babies have been shown to react far more positively to attractive faces than unattractive faces. these studies strongly dispute the old 'looks are subjective" adage which really is just a platitude which attempts to make ugly people feel better about ourselves. there is a short book on the subject that dives deeply into each issue and may help to better explain one's constant failures & rejections when it comes to social success and a complete lack thereof:

https://www.amazon.com/Looks-They-Matter-More-Imagined/dp/0814480543

 

[Finished]

^ Most people don't want to believe that so it must not be true. Ha! Ha!

 

[Nicolelt]

My husband and I have more single friends than we do married and I kind of prefer it. I am not a double date kind of person, it is super awkward to me, because I really don't like befriending women and I always get stuck with having to attempt to be their friend. My husband can befriend anyone, anywhere, at anytime, but I am way too shy about it. So I prefer going out with our single friends because I am not obligated to befriend some woman.

 

[user 115627]

I don't know how old you are, 4No1, but regardless I think these feelings you have about looking out of place among your paired-up friends aren't that unusual. It's just something that happens, even more so when people get older. I don't think it has necessarily to do with pity that they are still inviting you and if they aren't constantly bringing up the topic or are actively trying to act as matchmakers for you, then you shouldn't have to worry about that. Are you still taking part in conversations when you are meeting up or do the couples talk too much about "couples" stuff? That could certainly be an issue and make you feel more like an outsider and I hope that's not the case. If so, maybe you could bring it up some time? I don't know how tight you are with these people or if you have a best friend among them.

[Halo Effect definition]

https://www.amazon.com/Looks-They-Matter-More-Imagined/dp/0814480543

^ Most people don't want to believe that so it must not be true. Ha! Ha!

Complete derail. OP has not even mentioned their physical appearance or dating troubles. They just said they are single among pairs, period. I swear this is getting tedious even for me, but if all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail. This is about social dynamics between couples and singles.

 

[Nicolelt]

I don't know how old you are, 4No1, but regardless I think these feelings you have about looking out of place among your paired-up friends aren't that unusual. It's just something that happens, even more so when people get older. I don't think it has necessarily to do with pity that they are still inviting you and if they aren't constantly bringing up the topic or are actively trying act as matchmakers for you, then you shouldn't have to worry about that. Are you still taking part in conversations when you are meeting up or do the couples talk too much about "couples" stuff? That could certainly be an issue and make you feel more like an outsider and I hope that's not the case. If so, maybe you could bring it up some time? I don't know how tight you are with these people or if you have a best friend among them.

I agree with Rodent on this, since I am on the other side of it. My single friends are some of my best friends, and I want to hang out with them, it just so happens my husband has become friends with them too.

 

[Finished]

^ Most people don't want to believe that so it must not be true. Ha! Ha!

Complete derail. OP has not even mentioned their physical appearance or dating troubles. They just said they are single among pairs, period. I swear this is getting tedious even for me, but if all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail. This is about social dynamics between couples and singles.

Listen up! I responded to the person who posted before me that's what the up arrow means. Stop bashing others, especially me, for merely responding to something that was brought up. If things are too tedious then perhaps don't post. We should ALL be supportive of each other.

 

[user 115627]

Listen up! I responded to the person who posted before me that's what the up arrow means. Stop bashing others, especially me, for merely responding to something that was brought up. If things are too tedious then perhaps don't post. We should ALL be supportive of each other.

Supportive? Yeah, tell me about being supportive, Finished. I actually responded to the OP while you responded to a derailing post that didn't address anything the OP was talking about. Perhaps I wouldn't have included you if you had also said something to 4No1 and not just essentially thumbed-up mgill saying something that wasn't even relevant here.

 

[HypnoGhost]

Ha! Ha!

 

[4No1]

Yeah, it should be the age. Middle 30s.
My friends don't discuss the 'couples topics' or smth. There are best friends among them. 
I can't really understand why I do fix on it. A feeling I'm not sure how to describe it, like everyone is normal, and I'm not. I try
not to fix. There are a few couples, near them I don't feel this feeling. I think it's when both are my friends. 

P. S. I know the Halo effect, but can't get, how it's connected. And to tell the truth have no idea should i answer to quarrels or not. Still have some (many) communication's problems.

 

[user 115627]

Yeah, it should be the age. Middle 30s.
My friends don't discuss the 'couples topics' or smth. There are best friends among them. 
I can't really understand why I do fix on it. A feeling I'm not sure how to describe it, like everyone is normal, and I'm not. I try
not to fix. There are a few couples, near them I don't feel this feeling. I think it's when both are my friends. 

P. S. I know the Halo effect, but can't get, how it's connected. And to tell the truth have no idea should i answer to quarrels or not. Still have some (many) communication's problems.

Just skip the quarrels considering that it had nothing to do with your story.

Mid-30s definitely makes sense here, lots of people also start settling down and having kids around that age when they have been in stable relationships so far. But considering that you are still integrated in your friends group and they aren't hassling you, this is really the only thing setting you apart from them. If it does not bother you with strangers, even better. I don't know if you are actively seeking a relationship right now or if you are unhappy being single and if that makes you more anxious about the situation but I think there is no cause for concern on your part. You just have to "convince yourself" as well, so to say.

 

[ardour]

Maybe it's off topic, but what the OP's feeling is likely to do with missing out on something that should have happened by now, manifesting in this paranoia. Realistically there isn't much time left to change the situation.

.... This is what can happen to you, alone and on the outskirts of a social circle where you don't feel you belong.

 

[HypnoGhost]

Realistically there isn't much time left to change the situation.

There is always time. You just have to use it. And wisely.

 

[user 115627]

Maybe  it's off topic, but what the OP's feeling is  likely to do with missing out on something that should have happened by now,  manifesting in this paranoia. Realistically there isn't much time left to change the situation.

.... This is what can happen to you, alone and on the outskirts of a social circle where you don't feel you belong.

I don't think it's that drastic yet which is why I asked questions about how the relationship between OP and his friends is right now, what they are talking about and if they are trying to match him with other people. He is lacking something that everything else in his regular group has (at least at this moment) and I don't know if they are purposefully avoiding the topic either - I can't see any indicators for it though.

Could it become a bigger issue once kids enter the picture? I think so, people's schedules and priorities change a lot once that happens. There is still a difference between feeling like you don't belong and being pushed out, organically or by circumstance (of kids). I don't know how 4No1's history is either. If they struggle, were unlucky or had bad experiences...I just don't want to be unnecessarily fatalistic at this point.

 

[Nicolelt]

Maybe  it's off topic, but what the OP's feeling is  likely to do with missing out on something that should have happened by now,  manifesting in this paranoia. Realistically there isn't much time left to change the situation.

.... This is what can happen to you, alone and on the outskirts of a social circle where you don't feel you belong.

You might have something here. Society tells us that in our 20s we are suppose to have a mate and then have kids...etc. I think people in my generation are trying to break those traditions, but with the older generations are breathing down our necks about this.

 

[4No1]

He is lacking something that everything else in his regular group has (at least at this moment) and I don't know if they are purposefully avoiding the topic either - I can't see any indicators for it though.

Could it become a bigger issue once kids enter the picture? I think so, people's schedules and priorities change a lot once that happens. There is still a difference between feeling like you don't belong and being pushed out, organically or by circumstance (of kids). I don't know how 4No1's history is either. If they struggle, were unlucky or had bad experiences...I just don't want to be unnecessarily fatalistic at this point.

I'm a female and I have a kid, in two groups there are some other kids, in third - only my. So I don't think something is going to change if some other of my friends get the kids too. Most of the couples have been together for 10+ years, some for 5+, no 'fresh' couples, so the situation's quite old, only this feeling is fresh. I don't feel pushing out, probably, I gave up the idea of having any relationship, so now feel a little bit second-rate, as they all can and I can't. I'd like to have a bf, but I think the idea that everyone can and I can't is more distressing than just being single. I'm not sure about the reason of this feeling.