Frustrated with therapy!

[Alonewith2cats]

So I started therapy to help me deal with my loneliness and I get asked this question. "Do you find that you depend on others for your joy? What about finding joy within yourself?" And the suggestion that I write in a journal thoughts that are contributing to my feeling sad and lonely.

Well, first of all, I tried being happy and content alone and not depending on anyone else for my joy. It's not working because the bottom line is that I need to connect with other human beings. In fact I think that's a natural human need and here I am being advised by my therapist to find joy alone. Second writing down thoughts that make me feel lonely in a journal isn't going to help me because loneliness triggers these thoughts as long as loneliness exists. And it's not all thoughts, it's my lifestyle, the fact that I live alone and am alone a great deal of the time.

It's like this "wise" quote that exists. "Learn to befriend yourself and you'll never be lonely." Well, I spend plenty of time being friends with me, doing stuff with me. Why am I still so unsatisfied?

 

[SophiaGrace]

So, you haven't even tried what your therapist suggested you try and you're already writing it off?

 

[BrokenInside]

You are right about the connection with other humans. But your therapist isn't wrong either. The truth is that no one stays with you forever so if you depend so much on someone, you are gonna trip when this person is no more around. You must know that the person who is always available for you is none other than "Yourself". Try to figure what makes you happy and do that. Try all the fun stuff that you haven't tried yet.
I hope you soon find someone but if you don't, you are always there for yourself

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I just feel like she's missing the point. You can only do so much for yourself and at some point you need other people. And yes, people do depend on others for companionship.

 

[ajdass1]

You know? I feel like a lot of therapists are too willing to dismiss your ideas of what's happening and what YOU want to get out of therapy. After all, it's a lot easier for them if you learn to tolerate whatever is making you unhappy - they don't actually have to do any work in that case. Also, I hate when therapists keep banging on about something you've already considered, tried, and rejected because it doesn't work - like, for example, 'finding joy within yourself.' Like, our word as patients isn't good enough - if we tell them something about ourselves, they of course need overwhelming proof that what we say is true. After all, what do WE know about our lives? We're only living them!

 

[el Jay]

I just feel like she's missing the point. You can only do so much for yourself and at some point you need other people. And yes, people do depend on others for companionship.

Your frustration is exactly the issue I encounter with a lot of people's idea of "help." They tell me to love myself first, and to be complete on my own before seeking others (friends, relationships, whatever). But the problem is, I don't quite understand how to accomplish that, or whether I already have. I mean, I'm not perfect, and I'm still searching for my calling in life and similar things, but it's not like I hate myself or something. A lot of what is missing in my life IS other people, and a woman to share my life with. I don't quite see how I'm supposed to somehow be perfectly happy and complete without those things when they're one of, if not THE main thing I feel is missing from my life.

My advice? Realize that the advice is often given with the best of intentions (as is most things most people do in life), but that doesn't mean it's necessarily correctly discerning YOUR specific problems. If your therapist is suggesting this, then explain why it's not correctly diagnosing your real issues (or perhaps is glossing them over or dismissing them entirely). If the therapist still insists on that line of reasoning, then maybe they can't really help you anymore (or are unwilling to).

 

[Tiina63]

I just feel like she's missing the point. You can only do so much for yourself and at some point you need other people. And yes, people do depend on others for companionship.

I agree with this.

---

Your frustration is exactly the issue I encounter with a lot of people's idea of "help." They tell me to love myself first, and to be complete on my own before seeking others (friends, relationships, whatever). But the problem is, I don't quite understand how to accomplish that, or whether I already have. I mean, I'm not perfect, and I'm still searching for my calling in life and similar things, but it's not like I hate myself or something. A lot of what is missing in my life IS other people, and a woman to share my life with. I don't quite see how I'm supposed to somehow be perfectly happy and complete without those things when they're one of, if not THE main thing I feel is missing from my life.



I agree with this as well. There is so much stress nowadays on being completely independent and on not needing others, but we are a social species. I know that my main problem is loneliness. I cope alone as I have no choice, but I can't meet all of my own emotional needs all the time.

 

[dugthecat]

In prison they punish you by leaving you by yourself, you will be happier to sit around scum bags than be alone

 

[ladyforsaken]

If the therapist isn't helping, perhaps find another one who can?

 

[Alonewith2cats]

If the therapist isn't helping, perhaps find another one who can?

And maybe have the same issue with another therapist. I think I'll give her a couple more appointments. I'm not paying for it. It's through the Employee Assistance Program. If it still doesn't work I think I'll put less energy into counseling and more energy into getting out of the house, making connections, getting together with friends. I just started taking Zumba classes at my local gym and one of my friends is taking those classes too.

Yes, I do have friends but they're busy, they don't have the same work schedule I do, have their own lives and I can't depend on them all the time. Another friend of mine will be getting a zoo pass and I have one as well so I'll have someone to go to the zoo with.

So at least I have girl friends I can sometimes see, even if it's only once in a while and things to do. That is important.

I can't seem to squash my desire for male company and physical affection, it's extremely rare for me to get a hug from anyone now days, even a platonic one and I suffer from skin hunger as a result. Well, it's just as well. I wouldn't want just anyone for a boyfriend anyway. And even if I never experience this again for as long as I live I have to find a way to be happy anyway. Nuns and monks can do it. But I don't believe in God so, that strikes that.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

 

[Mystery_Man]

Humans are social beings, it's hard wired into us. While we aren't all social butterfly's, we crave some level of interaction, I know myself I prefer only having a couple of people in my life at a time who I have some connection/chemistry with. You can only be happy with and entertain yourself for so long...this applies to ANYONE. If this were the case, I guess throwing people in solitary confinent in prison wouldn't be so bad, they could just keep themselves company! I don't know about you, but at points in my life I must have gone a few weeks without speaking to another human being outside my house. This is loneliness on another level that I don't think a lot of people can really grasp what it feels like...therapists included.

 

[Peaches]

In fact I think that's a natural human need and here I am being advised by my therapist to find joy alone.

Did he actually said that? and you are actually alone most of the time? That makes no sense.
You might need a coach for social skills or something, not a therapist. Actually I read about something called "interpersonal therapy" I think (I could be wrong) that is focused on improving relationships. Being happy with yourself is all good, but if your main reason of unhappiness is social isolation, that is like being without food, it's not something you can dismiss or get used to.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

In fact I think that's a natural human need and here I am being advised by my therapist to find joy alone.

Did he actually said that? and you are actually alone most of the time? That makes no sense.
You might need a coach for social skills or something, not a therapist. Actually I read about something called "interpersonal therapy" I think (I could be wrong) that is focused on improving relationships. Being happy with yourself is all good, but if your main reason of unhappiness is social isolation, that is like being without food, it's not something you can dismiss or get used to.

She asked me a couple of questions that really don't apply to me and although I have another appointment next Saturday I'm hesitant to go back. She asked "Do you find you depend on others too much for your joy? What about finding joy within yourself?" and "What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you think there might be some self-loathing?"

Social isolation is my problem. And living alone is relatively new to me. I was in an almost 12 year relationship and I've only been single since August of 2011. And while I love the freedom that comes with living alone and being in control of my living space it is also empty and lonely as hell. At least I have my cats to cuddle with.

I'm trying to help myself. I just started taking fitness classes, Zumba and Yoga so hopefully these will help. I'm going to as many as I can. There is a yoga class at 6:30 p.m. tonight. I'm going.

 

[Peaches]

you sound like you are doing your best, and that therapist like she is trying to put you in the "co-dependent" box and that she is putting words into your mouth/thought in your head, something that good therapists never do, but I don't know exactly what she said, maybe she is doing her best too. Self loathing might be another problem, but that she suggests it to you if you haven't mentioned something related I find disturbing.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

you sound like you are doing your best, and that therapist like she is trying to put you in the "co-dependent" box and that she is putting words into your mouth/thought in your head, something that good therapists never do, but I don't know exactly what she said, maybe she is doing her best too. Self loathing might be another problem, but that she suggests it to you if you haven't mentioned something related I find disturbing.

She did mention something a about "co-dependence." I don't really understand what it means. Maybe she thinks I loathe myself because I want to lose weight but I'm doing it for my health and because I want to look and feel better, not out of self-hatred.

Too much misunderstanding. I'm contemplating canceling my next appointment.

 

[Peaches]

this is a check list to find out if one might be codependent, in case you want to look at it (been there, I thought I was, I am not, I am an "enabler", the other one in codependency), anyway, maybe interesting to check it out
http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns-new.htm

 

[bulmabriefs144]

I have a few from several of these boxes.

(Most of these in avoidance, if not all. I'm a schizoid. I'm lowest on control, I have a few, like a desire to be needed, but mostly I'm a sucker for controllers)

Based on this chart, I think the whole of the Earth is in one of these patterns. Most of them are controllers.

 

[ladyforsaken]

If the therapist isn't helping, perhaps find another one who can?

And maybe have the same issue with another therapist. I think I'll give her a couple more appointments. I'm not paying for it. It's through the Employee Assistance Program. If it still doesn't work I think I'll put less energy into counseling and more energy into getting out of the house, making connections, getting together with friends. I just started taking Zumba classes at my local gym and one of my friends is taking those classes too.

Yes, I do have friends but they're busy, they don't have the same work schedule I do, have their own lives and I can't depend on them all the time. Another friend of mine will be getting a zoo pass and I have one as well so I'll have someone to go to the zoo with.

So at least I have girl friends I can sometimes see, even if it's only once in a while and things to do. That is important.

I can't seem to squash my desire for male company and physical affection, it's extremely rare for me to get a hug from anyone now days, even a platonic one and I suffer from skin hunger as a result. Well, it's just as well. I wouldn't want just anyone for a boyfriend anyway. And even if I never experience this again for as long as I live I have to find a way to be happy anyway. Nuns and monks can do it. But I don't believe in God so, that strikes that.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Well, not all therapists react the same way. That's all I know really from my experience. But I like the fact that you'll try to get out more and taking Zumba classes. Gym has always boosted my confidence and energy really, makes me feel so good even if I don't hang out with my friends much. So I hope it helps you the same way.

I'm sorry things aren't looking so great for you. I would still hope and wish that you will find what you're looking for someday, as long as you keep believing in it and have faith that it is possible to happen. I think you don't have to believe in god to have faith anyway.

Cheer up, I wish you all the best.