gf upset I make to little

[Vallis]

Last night my gf and I were talking about moving into a place of our own (she currently lives at her home and me at mine).

She saw a 2 bedroom. We can't afford a 2 bedroom. I worked out our finances and we can only afford a 1 bedroom. I showed her some quick numbers and she was surprised my salary was so low.

(this is the first time I've shown her the exact figure. But, we've been together 2 and a 1/2 years and she knows i'm not rich).

And she fell strangely quiet. Barely talked to me for the rest of the night.

Today she was quiet as well. I immediately felt something was wrong.

When I called her tonight, she ripped into me for not making enough money. She asked why I didn't have a better job.

Then, the scary parts:
1) she said we can't "afford to get married"... marriage expenses are big
2) she's comfortable living at home. she doesn't want to live in a place thats smaller than her current place. If so, she says she might as well not move in.
3) she says her partner (ie. me) should improve her quality of life.

It almost seemed like she didn't want to be a in a relationship with me anymore. I realize she saw a place she really liked and might be disappointed when I told her we can't afford it, but she's been depressed and sulking.

A few months back she was a different person, in fact, just a month ago. She told me she would live where I live and go where I go.

Did she change that fast??
Is she just throwing a tantrum that will go away in a few days?

 

[VanillaCreme]

Seems like to me if she wants to afford things that y'all can't collectively, she needs to get a job or two to support the means by which she would like to live.

 

[The Good Citizen]

Clearly if thats how she view's things thats not on, I don't know if she works or not but you're not there just to put money in her pocket. Would you want to share your life with someone who expects an earnings threshold to be met or she will up roots and leave?

However... I know male pride can take a beating over such topics, are you sure that was her reaction or do you think partly it was bruised feelings on your part also. There was probably some disapointment on her part and if she thinks you can't afford to get married yet thats just being sensible and maybe commiting to living in somewhere smaller is a bit too much pressure for her at the moment. So maybe her disappointed reaction hurt your feelings a bit and made you a little defensive and possibly you took some of it the wrong way. Regards the third point you should improve her quality of life regardless of what you earn.

So its one of those like most topics on here, where I'd prefer to hear both sides of the story (of course thats not possible). If she genuinely is willing to walk because you dont earn enough then I would say let her but it may just be initial disappointment that the plans you had made are going to have to wait a bit longer to happen and well thats something you can work through. That said she should still be considering your feelings in all this too. If you don't work together it could be a long hard future together!

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Most marriages end in divorce and statistically speaking, those who marry for money stay together more often, ie: they know what they want.

Sounds like she's upset daddy can't buy her what she wants.

I don't know, good luck with that. If she had a lot of expectations and hopes, it would make sense she would be disappointed, but it's obvious where that puts you.

I concur with Nilla. If she wants these things, she should work towards and earn them. I'm sure if you could afford to spoil her, you would, but, that's not the situation.

I wouldn't think it's so much that she changed as much as, the true nature of an individual comes out different in different situations. Some times the brave are just acting to protect their cowardly inner self. Some times the affluent and wealthy are hiding an empty poor inner life, etc, etc...

Sounds like she's at the age where she has enough time to find another man with more money...

I suppose if you really love her, understand she is human and that humans are not a bag of ideals, they are a big sloppy mess of bones, flesh, and hormones with crazy dreams and desires most of which they will die never having satisfied completely. Give her some time to sort out what this all means and understand that if a fancy wedding and a cozy living situation are more important to her than your actual being and place in her life, then, well ****! That's life, heh.

Good luck, really.

 

[Trent]

run for your life.

and never look back.

 

[2fresh4youx]

Sounds like she doesn't appreciate you for who you are, but rather for what you can provide for her materialistically She's come this far with you, I can't see how she can be so torn up about this. Of course it's only sensible to plan a wedding that you can afford, but to tell you off for not making enough money is immature. Doesn't sound like the type of girl you want to spend the rest of your life with. A relationship should be about both partners contributing to make ends meet, not about the man doing everything. We're not living in the 1930's anymore.

 

[shesafrozenfire]

Last night my gf and I were talking about moving into a place of our own (she currently lives at her home and me at mine).

She saw a 2 bedroom. We can't afford a 2 bedroom. I worked out our finances and we can only afford a 1 bedroom. I showed her some quick numbers and she was surprised my salary was so low.

(this is the first time I've shown her the exact figure. But, we've been together 2 and a 1/2 years and she knows i'm not rich).

And she fell strangely quiet. Barely talked to me for the rest of the night.

Big red flags.

There is a stereotype that all women assess their mates' earning potential first and foremost. While this is not true for all women, those chicks certainly do exist. Your GF smells like one to me.

Today she was quiet as well. I immediately felt something was wrong.

When I called her tonight, she ripped into me for not making enough money. She asked why I didn't have a better job.

Then, the scary parts:
1) she said we can't "afford to get married"... marriage expenses are big
2) she's comfortable living at home. she doesn't want to live in a place thats smaller than her current place. If so, she says she might as well not move in.
3) she says her partner (ie. me) should improve her quality of life.

What a ******* crock of ****. Women like that give the rest of us a bad name.

RUN FAR, RUN FAST.

It almost seemed like she didn't want to be a in a relationship with me anymore. I realize she saw a place she really liked and might be disappointed when I told her we can't afford it, but she's been depressed and sulking.

A few months back she was a different person, in fact, just a month ago. She told me she would live where I live and go where I go.

Did she change that fast??
Is she just throwing a tantrum that will go away in a few days?

It's not that she changed, it's that until now, you hadn't seen her ordered priorities.

That Daddy-take-care-of-me mindset is not likely to go away. Seriously, be thankful that you see her for what she is now and wash your hands of her, and I say this as a woman.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Have you pulled her hair and slapped her Ass yet????
Im seriouse man....

I can appriciate what she's saying and were she's coming from.
You cant really blame her

Thats why you gatta **** the living **** out them incase a girl changes her mind.Lol

Ive had flitty Rich beautiful women take me home with them when I was down and out on my luck.
Thats becuase they saw right through my BS of probing women and testing people.
Rich beautiful people arnt always mean, greedy or shallow.

Heck, ive had two drop dead gorgous chick take me home with them. I lived with them for 6 months.
They did all the cooking and cleaning. They paid for all the bills. All i had to do was be thier sex slave.
Polyamous chicks are totally awsume
They lived in a nice complex with tennis courts and all that good ****....

When I was dating 5 women at onetime....I used to just ride my bike all over town after work
when I go out and socialize....meeting women..ect
I made great income and lived in a nice house and drove a sports car....stuff like that.
Certain things I did to keep it real.lmao

 

[DesertWolf]

run for your life.

and never look back.

This.

If it's all as you interpreted, her priorities in the relationship are probably all wrong and she's just using you. Sadly a lot of people are very shallow; They'll use the desperation of lonely people to their advantage.

 

[ajdass1]

Along with all the problems you have with her every time she goes back home to Germany, it sounds like this isn't a very good relationship for you. Trust your gut, I'd say...

 

[kamya]

Obviously you should make more money to satisfy her needs right? Yeah, not worth it. BTW, marriage licenses only cost $100-$200. So I don't see why you wouldn't be able to get married. I still wouldn't do it because she seems like bad news.

How much does she make?

 

[Vallis]

Sounds like she doesn't appreciate you for who you are, but rather for what you can provide for her materialistically She's come this far with you, I can't see how she can be so torn up about this. Of course it's only sensible to plan a wedding that you can afford, but to tell you off for not making enough money is immature. D

I'm sorry, I think there was some misunderstanding, she didn't mean I can't afford the actual wedding, but the entire responsibilities of getting married (apartment, children, etc)

She's not unreasonable. She has repeatedly told me she doesn't want an elaborate wedding ceremony, nor a big dinner/reception. She doesn't want me to spend money on lavish dinners or that kind of stuff. She just wants a good ring, and a spacious apartment to move into.

She does work, however, I earn a bit more than her.

Yeah, she was sulking badly last night. I called her twice,

and she asked to talk to my mom. I did talk to my mom, My mom said that when we get married, we can move in and livewith her (as she has a more spacious place) until we've saved up enough. I told my gf of this generous offer and she replied by asking me when we can move to a 2 bedroom of our own. I said earliest would be next year.

The phone call lasted 15 mins or so, I felt like she didn't want to talk to me anymore. She didn't get to hear what she wanted to hear. I got one word answers and eventually we just said goodnite and hung up.

I dont' know what to do now. I feel upset, sad powerless, and uncertain.

 

[Callie]

Why exactly is a 2 bedroom apartment so damn important to her? She sounds like she's expecting you to provide her with the lifestyle SHE wants and does not plan to do anything to help accomplish that.
I may not be getting the whole story here, but she sounds pretty materialistic to me.

OH, and as for affording kids...no one can afford kids. If you wait til you can afford them, you will never have kids.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I dont think she's a terrible person nor shallow.
It is what it is with her. It's her life. She has freewill like everyone else.
If its her perference to live a certain life style or quality of life she deems important
to her. Living below that standard of living will ultimately make her unhappy.

Other people condemning her or judging her aint going to mean a hell of beans to her.
It's just ******** and ideas that gose in other people's mind.
Her life isnt centered around what other people thinks.
She has good enough self esteem to not really give a **** what other people thinks about her?
She's going to do what is best and right for her. The same as anyone else would
do for themselves.

If anyone of us was asked to move or forced into the poor house....certainly we woiuldnt
be jumping for joy would we????

**** it...lets just hang the bitch.lmao

 

[The Good Citizen]

OH, and as for affording kids...no one can afford kids. If you wait til you can afford them, you will never have kids.

Very true!

 

[2fresh4youx]

She didn't get to hear what she wanted to hear.

Well I think that just about sums it up, doesn't it? If you can't meet her expectations (And from what you've written on here, she has certain criteria that she wants met) than not much can be done to salvage the situation. I think it is quite unfair and unjust that she has laid all of this on you now, 2.5 years into the relationship. When you commit for that long, surely the other person must see some potential long-term future with you?

Are you happy with the amount of money you are making and the lifestyle that you live? If you are, let that be known to her. When you Said "She didn't get to hear what she wanted to hear" did this mean you sort of sat there in silence or did you bring up the conversation she had with you previously? Don't try and change yourself just to meet her expectations. If she doesn't like what she sees, then you should just move on. Sounds harsh, but you'll be happier in the long run.

Just have it out with her in person. People can hide what they are really thinking behind phones.

 

[The Good Citizen]

Ah, People are brutal on ALL

Planning to marry the girl of your dreams?
Buying that dream home together?
Had a disagreement over when it’s going to happen and what you can afford?

Dump her.

Look she does sound like she is being a bit of a madam about it but you obviously love her and want to spend your life with her. She might just be gutted and throwing a strop without really seeing how it effects how you feel.

Figures don’t lie if you can't afford a mortgage of that size it’s as simple as that. Is it the case that you see it as being unaffordable but she thinks that you can afford if you both really want it? I still get the sense that you are taking her disappointment personally a bit, as in the fact you can't afford it with your combined income, you are viewing as she is suggesting you personally can't afford it.

It was a nice offer off your mother and she should appreciate that, maybe she does but she doesn't want it to be forever. It's not always easy living with in law's, you want your own independence and privacy.

I think she does need to be a bit more realistic but I suspect she is not the materialistic monster people are assuming. She's probably been dreaming of her wedding and first home and now seeing it as being put on hold is going to be a disappointment for her but it will probably be equally for you too and she needs to realise that.

I agree with 2fresh4youx you need to sort this out in person a phone is the worst way of working through tricky stuff. Just look to reassure her that you want the same things as her and see if you can come to a compromise, once you do she'll probably crumble and you'll get your normal fiancée back!

 

[Lost Soul]

Why exactly is a 2 bedroom apartment so damn important to her? She sounds like she's expecting you to provide her with the lifestyle SHE wants and does not plan to do anything to help accomplish that.
I may not be getting the whole story here, but she sounds pretty materialistic to me.

OH, and as for affording kids...no one can afford kids. If you wait til you can afford them, you will never have kids.

True.

She sounds kinda demanding, the way you put it.

 

[Vallis]

Today was a horrible day. I didn't contact her and she didn't contact me either. I felt very bad. I didn't eat for the whole day. I miss her severely, but I'm also upset how she can treat me so poorly.

I'm not saying we're holding off anything for long either.

1) I just think we should get a smaller place (not much smaller btw, 1 bed+1 den), thats a bit more affordable, if we're going to buy immediately. I'm not saying we shouldn't buy a place.
2) My mom suggested she can renovate our basement and we live there temporarily while we build up our savings. Not that we should stay there long. I'm planning to buy a place within 1 year anyways.

Furthermore, i'm continuing to save up. The money I have now is not what I'll have, say, 6 months from now. I work hard for our future. I am not the kind of boyfriend to be sitting there doing nothing. I work 9 hours days. I go to school part-time. I don't eat my dinner until 10pm on some days. and i spend a least 2 days per week with her (more if i can)
I suggested we can both save save up money, and advance our careers.

I'm not a guy without a plan.
I want to tell her she's lucky I can give her these things, I feel she doesn't value me enough. She doesn't cherish what she has.

Look she does sound like she is being a bit of a madam about it but you obviously love her and want to spend your life with her. She might just be gutted and throwing a strop without really seeing how it effects how you feel.

Yes I love her a lot. I do a lot for her, I buy gifts, take her out, cheer her up. Nothing extravagant, but cutsie gifts and stuff.

I haven't told her any of this, but she probably knows.

 

[Lost Soul]

Today was a horrible day. I didn't contact her and she didn't contact me either. I felt very bad. I didn't eat for the whole day. I miss her severely, but I'm also upset how she can treat me so poorly.

I'm not saying we're holding off anything for long either.

1) I just think we should get a smaller place (not much smaller btw, 1 bed+1 den), thats a bit more affordable, if we're going to buy immediately. I'm not saying we shouldn't buy a place.
2) My mom suggested she can renovate our basement and we live there temporarily while we build up our savings. Not that we should stay there long. I'm planning to buy a place within 1 year anyways.

Furthermore, i'm continuing to save up. The money I have now is not what I'll have, say, 6 months from now. I work hard for our future. I am not the kind of boyfriend to be sitting there doing nothing. I work 9 hours days. I go to school part-time. I don't eat my dinner until 10pm on some days. and i spend a least 2 days per week with her (more if i can)
I suggested we can both save save up money, and advance our careers.

I'm not a guy without a plan.
I want to tell her she's lucky I can give her these things, I feel she doesn't value me enough. She doesn't cherish what she has.

Look she does sound like she is being a bit of a madam about it but you obviously love her and want to spend your life with her. She might just be gutted and throwing a strop without really seeing how it effects how you feel.

Yes I love her a lot. I do a lot for her, I buy gifts, take her out, cheer her up. Nothing extravagant, but cutsie gifts and stuff.

I haven't told her any of this, but she probably knows.

And she takes it all for granted???