Giving up

[kimberleykat]

The thing i tell myself 23834910328 time a day: Don't give up.
But I have never seen the point of not giving up when I hear the stupid voice throbbing back and forth in my head.
I fight against anxiety/depression 24/7.
Can anyone imagine what it feels like to have panic attacks even when you are asleep? You get up at night and think about it all over and over again and you wonder why you can not just stab a knife into your heart. That's pretty much how I feel.
I feel so sad and angry that nobody could ever ever understand me.
All that ppl can say at my sufferings is: I don't know what to say to you.
Yeah I understand and I try not to blame ppl for not being able to help.
But I am so lonely I wish that who is close to me can make me feel better.
But whether I can sense ppl are trying to be nice to me or not, I tend to push them away. I am so worried that if I let out my true feelings they will think less of me and finally dump me. I am so frightened.
I wanted to act that there is never an hindrance of anxiety that bothers me. I wanted to look happy, sound happy, feel happy all the time. I imagined what it would like to not have anxiety/panic/depression problems. I thought about a life that I can handle it better even with anxiety/panics that probably at bearable level.
But all this seems to be the "horrible intervals of sanity".
My family blames me. My previous real life friends blame me. I am guess now that my fiance is blaming me and the only ones I talk to, my online friends are blaming me as well.
What should I do?
I just want someone that understands me. Why is that so impossible?
I might have already given up trying to make ppl listen to me. Because that only adds to my fatigue when I am suffering.
Why me??
When I complain like that, there is a voice saying the opposite: Why Not me??
Then I wonder if I have ever done things that might have led me to my own hell. Anxiety is a living hell. And ppl up there never see that I am struggling down there. I feel so miserable. so so miserable.
I started to think about ways that I might end my life without too much pains. I started to think like that again.
I am angry at myself and I am angry at the whole world.
I am sorry.
Sorry ppl.

 

[mintymint]

I don't blame you :/ You know I'm around if you want to talk...

 

[Badjedidude]

Kimmaaaaaaaa *HUGHUG*

...I also don't blame you for anything, and I'm here for ya too.

 

[Sean]

(hug) if you need to talk i'm here. I will listen.

 

[Enchanted Girl]

I don't know you, but I'm also here to talk to if you need someone to talk to.

I can definitely relate to having panic attacks. I've had them a lot of times in my life due to anxiety disorders and also agoraphobia (which I still struggle with, just not as badly as I used to.) And I always had to put on a happy face and I always felt all this pressure not to freak out all the time, but I was going absolutely insane inside.

I also can relate to insomnia due to anxiety. I've had many sleepless nights, doing nothing but being frightened and stuff.

So hang in there and work hard on getting all your fear out and learning to trust people. I know it's hard, but there honestly is people you can trust out there to care for you no matter what.

I had a friend for several years who used to have panic attacks and things every day. He was always worried I would judge him, but I never did. In fact, he ended my friendship with him because he said he was tired of the internet, not the other way around. So even if you day in and day out complained to me about your fear, it wouldn't bother me and you wouldn't have to fake anything in front of me.

I usually don't talk about this stuff, but I felt like I should after reading your post. I hope it helps to know that other people have been there too and won't blame you for suffering what you do.

 

[kimberleykat]

Thanks everyone.
I am still feeling very bad. I can't do **** about it.
Maybe this time it's gonna get better...
The picture of a happy life is drifting apart..and It's already so far away from me. It's all blurry now.

Lately I decided that I would not talk to any of my RL acquintances anymore. I deleted them all from msn and my phone.
I knew that some of them said it was stupid of me to do that, which was the last thing I heard from them.
I hoped I could feel a lil bit relieved from the burden of normal socializing...
Exhausted, I still keep telling myself not to give up. But the next question following, what is the point of all this struggle?
Would I ever, ever feel better?
I have been struggling to survive for almost 5 years now. And things got worse. I don't see any chance that they will get better.
Maybe its just permanent. I might have to plod on with anxiety/depression as long as I am breathing..
What did I do wrong?
What did I do that made me receive punishment constantly like this??
It's not fair...
IT IS NOT FAIR.
There is no option for me. Never. I hate my life.

 

[Solo Dolo]

Maybe its just permanent. I might have to plod on with anxiety/depression as long as I am breathing..
What did I do wrong?
What did I do that made me receive punishment constantly like this??
It's not fair...
IT IS NOT FAIR.
There is no option for me. Never. I hate my life.

That's pretty much what runs through my head most days. It really isn't fair, no, but excuse the cliche when I say that life just isn't and the more we want it to be, the more unfair it becomes.

I sometimes tell myself the depression might be permanent and I really hate what it's doing and has done to my life but permanent or not, you have to believe it will end if not for yourself but for others. I'm beginning to push people away with the 'no hope' mentality and I keep thinking how much worse things will be if all those people are gone. It is sooooo much easier to just drown yourself in your own sorrows and decide there is no point to it all (hell knows I do it enough!) but what do you get from giving up? Nothing. What do you get from perservering? A difficult struggle yeah, but also moments of happiness which are well worth perservering for.

Keep on plodding

 

[Nicki]

Do they have treatment for depression where you live? I went to counseling once for depression. I put it off way to long because I would swing between thinking "surely it isn't that bad" when I didn't feel so bad to "why bother?" when I did... Finally when I wasn't feeling so bad I admitted to myself that the pattern was getting worse... Anyway, there are times when we ALL need a bit of help, counseling or even medication to get us through the worst. Try to remember that all things will eventually pass!
I have been meaning to get back to counseling but havnt had the time to set anything up. That's why I'm here. I needed to talk now and don't feel like there is anyone in person that I know short of a counselor that I can talk to... its not that they don't love me, it's just that there is noone with that function in my life that I can talk to about anything and everything...
Anyway, if treatment is available where you live, it may be an option for you to consider...

 

[cheaptrickfan]

I have been struggling to survive for almost 5 years now. And things got worse. I don't see any chance that they will get better.
Maybe its just permanent. I might have to plod on with anxiety/depression as long as I am breathing..
What did I do wrong?
What did I do that made me receive punishment constantly like this??
It's not fair...
IT IS NOT FAIR.
There is no option for me. Never. I hate my life.

You're right: It is NOT fair. This is why the burden is on us to fix ourselves. All other people can do for us is to provide a willing ear and a comfortable shoulder to cry on.

I do understand, hon. The past decade has been a study in psychic pain, with the past 4 being especially trying. I can't tell you how any times I've hit rock bottom only to find that I can fall even deeper.

I usually recommend that people see a doctor and see if medication is a possibility. Although meds were not a good fit for me, sometimes they can be the difference between life and suicide for others. Even though traditional therapy was also not a good match for me, I have found an answer in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. At the same time, having people to whom I can vent or cry has been very helpful.

I hope that you get some relief soon. ((((Kimberlykat))))

 

[Danielle]

Kimma,

I have been dealing with anxiety and depression since i was 15. I began the depression earlier, but the panic attacks started around when i was 15. I am 32 now. I was very much against any kinds of meds.... and i went 10 very long years in talk therapy.. which helped a bit, but not enough to stop the awful panic. I was diagnosed with panic disorder. I finally had enough. I never made a real attempt on taking my life, but i knew that I couldn't live the way i had been.

I asked my therapist for a referral to a psychiatrist, and i went.... I started meds.. and they gave me klonopin... fast acting.. and an anti depressant.. which needs to build up.

Keep in mind it had gotten to the point i had not left the house on 1 year.... SO, after I started the meds... the fast acting one... i was out of the house and in a car in 2 days... in two weeks, i started to feel happier... not as down. in 6 weeks, I was back to work, eating again,going out with my then BF again... and living my life.

I had been VERY much against meds. My dad told me i was stupid for going on them... but i knew I was NOT able to live my life that way any longer.

I still take meds.... the kolonopin to stop any panic attacks from coming through, and to help me sleep, and I take Prozac to also help the anxiety and depression. On the whole... I feel soooo much better than i had then.

I don't know if you take anything, or if you are totally against it, but if things are getting to this point.. I would go to therapy and try some meds.... together, it IS very helpful.

If you want to talk about any of this.. I am here... always.

(((HUGS)))

 

[Drama]

I have never blamed you

 

[kimberleykat]

what do you get from giving up? Nothing. What do you get from perservering? A difficult struggle yeah, but also moments of happiness which are well worth perservering for.

I guess when I feel really bad I don't want to get anything. I just want to disappear from the circle of ppl that have or have not made me suffer. I just want some time of peace but they just won't let me.
But I will have to plod on.
The other day nilla said in chat that life was beautiful. Maybe its in the moments of happiness that are worth persevering for as you said.
I am still trying to see its beauty under the thick nasty veil of panic attacks and a absurd phobia.

---

Do they have treatment for depression where you live?

Yes there is treament for depression. But sadly, as much as the therapist can understand me, I feel she is so far away from my real life and I dont want to take the therapy as an escape. Plus it's expensive as ****. Sighs.

---

Kimma,

I have been dealing with anxiety and depression since i was 15. I began the depression earlier, but the panic attacks started around when i was 15. I am 32 now. I was very much against any kinds of meds.... and i went 10 very long years in talk therapy.. which helped a bit, but not enough to stop the awful panic. I was diagnosed with panic disorder. I finally had enough. I never made a real attempt on taking my life, but i knew that I couldn't live the way i had been.

I asked my therapist for a referral to a psychiatrist, and i went.... I started meds.. and they gave me klonopin... fast acting.. and an anti depressant.. which needs to build up.

Keep in mind it had gotten to the point i had not left the house on 1 year.... SO, after I started the meds... the fast acting one... i was out of the house and in a car in 2 days... in two weeks, i started to feel happier... not as down. in 6 weeks, I was back to work, eating again,going out with my then BF again... and living my life.

I had been VERY much against meds. My dad told me i was stupid for going on them... but i knew I was NOT able to live my life that way any longer.

I still take meds.... the kolonopin to stop any panic attacks from coming through, and to help me sleep, and I take Prozac to also help the anxiety and depression. On the whole... I feel soooo much better than i had then.

I don't know if you take anything, or if you are totally against it, but if things are getting to this point.. I would go to therapy and try some meds.... together, it IS very helpful.

If you want to talk about any of this.. I am here... always.

(((HUGS)))

I am so sorry to hear that you have to go thru all this dani.
I take medication too atm but I don't think they are of any help.
Doctors/psychiatrists here are lame..Or maybe it's me myself I have met a couple of bad ones. They made me REALLY uncomfortable. Basically because they just didn't understand ****. And the latest one caused me a terrible panic episode...
I am never very much against meds. It's just that I never found the right one. hah...Why?? I can't even be prescribed with the medication that will take effect on me?? So I am disappointed at them and the doctors. Urghh GOD I even feel so disgusted by merely talking about them!
I have difficulty going out. Everytime before I have to go out I must sit there and get myself mentally prepared enough before I can take out a step. I feel so lame about it.
Thanks dani for willing to listen to me.
All the power to you.
-Kimma

---

How are you these days liley?
I sleep early lately so I might have missed online a couple of times.

 

[kimberleykat]

WHYYYYYYYYYYY????!!!!!!!!!

 

[Danielle]

oohh (((((KIMMA))))) i'm sorry that the Dr's aren't as helpful!

I would do research online, about some different meds... then bring it to an appt, and tell them that is what you want to try. I did that when i wanted to switch one of my meds that I was. I had gained 90 pounds in 2 years and it was just ridiculous, I kept telling the Dr. that i was uncomfy because i had gained so much weight, and he asked me, if i'd rather be fat and happy, or thin and unhappy. i was disgusted with that comment, but i persisted, and he did finally change me.. had gone through a few different med changes until i am on this combination now, that is working well.

I'd look into something faster acting, something like a Valium, or ativan, or Kolonopin, and then look into different anti depressants that could help.

Your Dr's are being very unfair.

I am here if you want to talk about anything!

 

[Yukhi]

Kimma you've got me right here A fellow Chinese brother who wants to help and who doesn't blame you

 

[Drama]

I missed talking to you kimma

 

[kimberleykat]

I missed talking to you kimma

Awww.
I miss talking to you too liley.
My anxiety has been really hard lately.
DAMN my therapist is on holiday?!
I was planning to get an therapy appointment this week but they said she was not gonna be back any time soon....
I feel bad. I was not prepared to see her before today and now I gathered up strength to go out but she is not available anymore.
sighs.
I hope you are doing well all these days.

 

[Drama]

Aww *hugs*

 

[kimberleykat]

Kimma you've got me right here A fellow Chinese brother who wants to help and who doesn't blame you

Thanks a lot Yukhi.
I cant believe you are a lonely person. lol.
You are just all postive all the time.
-kimma

 

[Zak]

fucka!!