Had a bomb dropped on me last night. Sorry for the length.

[edgecrusher]

I haven't been here in a while because I met someone a little over a year ago. Last night my world was turned upside down and I don't know what to do.

We met on a dating site. Clicked inmediately. I had to cross the river/bay to see her every night. It was worth it. She eventually moved to this side right down the street from me. Now we've been living together for almost a year now. We are close. Like I never expected to find someone like her and she never expected to find someone like me close. In love. She's had a rough past, the type some people don't recover from, which has caused intimacy issues for her. She sees a therapist. It's not like we werent having sex, it just became less frequent. She's been out of the navy since right before we met and has been battling depression since then. It's prevented her from getting a job and she can be apathetic towards life at times. All of this was no big deal to me. I comforted her and helped her through some rough times.

I've always known she was bisexual as it was on her dating profile. She's been with women in the past. Also no big deal to me. Last night she told me that very recently the intimacy issues are because she's realized she's really only sexually attracted to women. We both cried. She said she still loves me and doesn't want things to end between us but that she can't fix this. She feels shallow and like a terrible person and that everything else about us is perfect. Neither one of us expected to ever find someone like each other. We've never even had a real argument. We just get along so well. I'm not angry with her. I'm just sad and heartbroken. She's been through a lot in her life and I wish I could say this was just another one of those times. She's never really known what to do with herself. Which is something we connected on.

We still slept in the same bed. She admitted to still wanting to cuddle me. At first I said I didn't think it was a good idea. Later she sort of half did it anyway and I let her.

It's her place but I only contribute to food and cat stuff really. I still have a room and furniture back at "my house" with my sister and a roommate. Part of me just wants to move back there today because I don't know how I will move on if I don't. But I can't just say bye and let her go like that. I don't just love her. I'm in love with her. She's everything to me. I don't know if I should wait a bit and see if maybe she's just having a particularly rough time figuring things out. Or if I should just go. It seems weird and mean to just leave like that. I'm at a loss. Either way we can easily talk to each other about it. Which I'm sure we will when she wakes up.

I just don't know what to do. I'm 34 and it took me this long to find someone like her.

 

[ABrokenMan]

That's really rough, just when you think or believe things are headed on the up and up your partner yanks the ground from under your feet almost in an instant.
I've been in a similar situation - my ex GF was not bisexual, but her promise to me that I was the only one turned out to be something else entirely. By trying to "be there" and offer comfort and support while she dealt with her issues, I allowed myself to keep getting emotionally battered with each new revelation that came out from behind her curtain.
You have to decide if you are strong enough emotionally to see things through. Someone like her who has been wired to act the way she does will not suddenly change just for you, even if they say they will. It's going to be a very tough road to travel, and you will have to allow yourself some space as well. Over time, you may decide that the relationship is not worth it when you have to cater to her psychological / emotional issues.
No advice given here is really going to help you. In the end you have to decide - can i deal with this, or will it break me?
I still love my ex more than anything. But I had to realize I love myself more and can no longer deal with her issues that only serve her and not us.
Love does NOT conquer all, sad to say.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Hey Edge, welcome back, though I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you back.

That's a hard situation, especially considering you two still love each other. But, if she's sure she only wants women that way, I don't know if there's a lot you could do. What I suggest is moving back in with your sister and roommate and giving it time. Time for her to figure out if this is what she really wants and time for you to do the same. It doesn't mean that you can't still see each other, but I think it might be easier for both of you if you aren't living together.

 

[LonesomeDay]

I'm bisexual and married (to a man) and I can tell you this: it sounds like a commitment and/or intimacy issue to me (rather than one of sexual preference).

After all, you say that she has had women partners before and then chose to enter into a sexual relationship with you, a man - indeed advertised for one, and now seeks to reject you for your biological make-up.

Perhaps this is something she can explore in therapy?

I'm not sure what the answer for you is though, apart from take care of yourself - you deserve someone who can reciprocate commitment within a loving relationship.

 

[edgecrusher]

I'm bisexual and married (to a man) and I can tell you this: it sounds like a commitment and/or intimacy issue to me (rather than one of sexual preference).

After all, you say that she has had women partners before and then chose to enter into a sexual relationship with you, a man - indeed advertised for one, and now seeks to reject you for your biological make-up.

Perhaps this is something she can explore in therapy?

I'm not sure what the answer for you is though, apart from take care of yourself - you deserve someone who can reciprocate commitment within a loving relationship.

I have wondered this myself. I don't doubt her bisexuality. She once told me she can get flashbacks of the abuse from sex. I'm just wondering if it's men only that causes this considering the nature of the abuse. In which case I'd wait to see if she can get past it. I don't want to get my hopes up though.

 

[VanillaCreme]

What if you two started arguing with each other, and then maybe that angry sex will follow and she'll figure out how she's really feeling? I guess that could happen, right?

 

[edgecrusher]

What if you two started arguing with each other, and then maybe that angry sex will follow and she'll figure out how she's really feeling? I guess that could happen, right?

Haha. You always did say funny things like this Vanilla.

Not likely though, lol. Neither of us are the type to get angry like that.

 

[VanillaCreme]

What if you two started arguing with each other, and then maybe that angry sex will follow and she'll figure out how she's really feeling? I guess that could happen, right?

Haha. You always did say funny things like this Vanilla.

Not likely though, lol. Neither of us are the type to get angry like that.

Well, if you ever want to talk about it more, feel free to here. I'm sure others have been through similar things. Give more advice or thoughts on the situation.

 

[edgecrusher]

Well we've talked about it quite a bit. We're trying to keep each other positive. Neither of us wants to be alone right now so I'm still staying here for the time being. The sleeping arrangements are a bit awkward because there is only one bed and two lumpy couches, lol. We'll probably still sleep in the same bed if it isn't too awkward. Which it probably won't be honestly. Is that weird?

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well we've talked about it quite a bit. We're trying to keep each other positive. Neither of us wants to be alone right now so I'm still staying here for the time being. The sleeping arrangements are a bit awkward because there is only one bed and two lumpy couches, lol. We'll probably still sleep in the same bed if it isn't too awkward. Which it probably won't be honestly. Is that weird?

To be honest with you, I don't think it's weird. There's too many different levels of any given relationship to say it should be one way or the other. Relationships and feelings aren't always straight forward, so don't pressure yourselves into thinking that. Perhaps, for the two of you, you're both right where you need to be. Perhaps it's one of those things that even though it doesn't make a lick of sense now, later down the road, it will. And you'll understand why things were the way they are now. Maybe things, sooner or later, will click into place, and the hardships will finally make sense. If it's worth fighting for, and going through difficulties, than it's worth having.

 

[edgecrusher]

Well we've talked about it quite a bit. We're trying to keep each other positive. Neither of us wants to be alone right now so I'm still staying here for the time being. The sleeping arrangements are a bit awkward because there is only one bed and two lumpy couches, lol. We'll probably still sleep in the same bed if it isn't too awkward. Which it probably won't be honestly. Is that weird?

To be honest with you, I don't think it's weird. There's too many different levels of any given relationship to say it should be one way or the other. Relationships and feelings aren't always straight forward, so don't pressure yourselves into thinking that. Perhaps, for the two of you, you're both right where you need to be. Perhaps it's one of those things that even though it doesn't make a lick of sense now, later down the road, it will. And you'll understand why things were the way they are now. Maybe things, sooner or later, will click into place, and the hardships will finally make sense. If it's worth fighting for, and going through difficulties, than it's worth having.

Yea. Neither of us want to go back to sitting alone playing video games. So we've decided to keep each other company for now. It can be tough at times, but I think it's better than going back to sitting alone in my room back at my place.

 

[user 130057]

I often wondered why you were no longer in the 'Recent Game Happenings' thread. I'm not going to say that I am pleased to see you back, because I've just read the reasons for it. I'm sorry that this has happened to you.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Sounds like a really unfortunate turn of events, sorry to hear about this.

I really liked a bi girl a few months ago and we went on a few dates. We clicked so well, but at the back of my mind I was thinking "What if she ends up loving me, but doesn't desire what a guy can give her?"

Not that dating bisexual people is "bad" or anything, I'd certainly date a bisexual woman. But I think that's the complicated bit: at least for a straight guy like me that doesn't really understand that side of the spectrum completely.

It might be a temporary thing? Sexuality is fluid after all, apparently.