Had Enough - My Story

[Legato]

I've made posts in the past about 'My Story' but have never really got fully into it. As I sit here, unable to sleep, wondering what I can actually do with my life, I thought I'd write this to get it off my chest. I’ll break it down, bit by bit.

About Me
My name is Scott, I’m 23 & Single. I’m unemployed and currently living with my family.

Job
I had a good office job for over 2 years. Big company, but I got on with everyone. 2 promotions later, I was bored. I needed a change. An opportunity came my way so I took it. This didn’t work out, and I quit after 1 day. It’s something I regret to this day. Who knows if it was the right decision. It did mean I had to lose my flat/apartment, and gain debt though.

Friends
Don’t exist. Earlier in the year, I had a great group of friends. All of which I’ve lost. I’ve tried getting back in touch to become close, but it won’t happen. I used to be great at making friends online. As I’ve got older, this has become a lot harder. I find it harder to trust. Even though those friends are there for me, they’re not actually ‘here’ for me. I hate it.

Love
As above, I’m single. In real life I’m shy, not confident in the slightest. The only time I’ve ever slept with someone is if I’ve been extremely drunk etc. I’ve never had a girlfriend I’ve been able to hold/kiss/love. I’ve tried long distance relationships in the past, but they’ve never worked. Most have went on to find people who live closer, others just vanish from the face of the earth/lose contact. For someone so confident/flirty online, it’s pathetic. One gal made me feel really special about myself, and I think I loved her. It never would of happened though. The word beautiful was an understatement.

-------

The result of this makes me feel empty inside. I post a fair bit telling people to be more positive. I’m trying this myself, but it’s easier said than done. I stay up till early hours of each night, trying to make friends on here/various sites to no effect. I aim to help others before helping myself. Making someone smile, then crying yourself to sleep should not be how you live your life.

I’ve attempted suicide a few times before. Not that I want to die. I’m not pro living either. I just feel empty. I feel nothing.

I’m fed up of pretending to be something I’m not.

I’m fed up of this.

Scott

 

[Hoffy]

Scott, you made me wanna cry. I'm so sorry to hear all this from you. You seem like a great guy to me from our chats and from your picture post you're awfully cute too! I hope you get to feeling better and if you ever need to talk I'm a great listener.

 

[blackdot]

I know how it is. Feeling like there is nothing.
I could say you are lucky in that you are still young and have time to have a life.
But then I would be lying to you like people always did to me when they told me I was young and would have a chance to have a life.

"Life and love are sports and I am a professional bench warmer." - me

 

[labelsorlove3]

<3 <3 <3

 

[Winterlong]

Wow Scott, I wish I could put everything on the table as you did. that makes life a lot more easier.
It's surprising that you define yourself as shy. If you are confident online in real life should be easier. believe me, you need a lot less to hook someone face to face than through a screen. You're a funny guy and I know that you shouldn't have any problem with girls. At some point in my life I was very shy, and I know how are you feeling. I'm still shy but not so much. The thing is to conquer your fear. first step it's always the hardest, but when you just make your mind things come easily. doesn't matter if you think that maybe you'll say something stupid. you just need a bit of courage and that's all.
You're still pretty young and you have plenty of time to fix your life.
You just need to take a jump of faith. you got all the rest.

 

[Lonely in BC]

Hi Scott,

I've tried to respond to your post a couple of times but whatever I say just doesn't seem appropriate to what you're dealing with. I guess what I'm trying to avoid is coming across with a "been there, done that" attitude.

Having a couple of more decades treading the world than you have has given me a considerably different opinion than you have. My god, I think back to the 23 year old hot head I was- sure wish I'd listened to some of the advice I was given but you know how it goes.

Only you can find the answers my friend. From what I've seen in your posts you've got wit, I see intelligence in your writing, and your taking a chance on a job change- even if it didn't work out- shows that you have ambition.

I do feel for you moving back in with your parents- I personally couldn't envision anything less appealing. I suspect getting out on your own again is a huge priority.

I honestly don't know if what I've wrote is of any benefit to you. The only promise I can make to you is that the future wii bring you change- hopefully its something you work towards instead of just going along for the ride.

It's a great big interesting world Scott- try to make the most of it.

 

[tusk]

Hi Scott, I so recognize myself in what you wrote. I'm 24 and single, but I think we're a bit shifted in time; I'm just now starting to lose interest in my work and looking to do something else. But I've had a girlfriend, the one and only relationship that started when I was 22. Though I attribute that to a fluke in the universe.

I don't have that many friends either, and if I'm ever invited out to some kind of outing, I'm really hesitant to go. If I go, I'm quiet and reactive. Maybe it's the same for you, and I wonder if it's lack of imagination (though I doubt that), a disinterest in other people, or failing to live in the present.

There are some things that made that relationship possible;

• Having had casual sex with strangers, somewhat sober. Confidence booster and also made me less desperate/dissatisfied
• Not caring too much; we were going on quite casual dates
• We met online
• She gave me a chance, maybe out of loneliness

 

[Nolife Princess]

I've made posts in the past about 'My Story' but have never really got fully into it. As I sit here, unable to sleep, wondering what I can actually do with my life, I thought I'd write this to get it off my chest. I’ll break it down, bit by bit.

About Me
My name is Scott, I’m 23 & Single. I’m unemployed and currently living with my family.

Job
I had a good office job for over 2 years. Big company, but I got on with everyone. 2 promotions later, I was bored. I needed a change. An opportunity came my way so I took it. This didn’t work out, and I quit after 1 day. It’s something I regret to this day. Who knows if it was the right decision. It did mean I had to lose my flat/apartment, and gain debt though.

Friends
Don’t exist. Earlier in the year, I had a great group of friends. All of which I’ve lost. I’ve tried getting back in touch to become close, but it won’t happen. I used to be great at making friends online. As I’ve got older, this has become a lot harder. I find it harder to trust. Even though those friends are there for me, they’re not actually ‘here’ for me. I hate it.

Love
As above, I’m single. In real life I’m shy, not confident in the slightest. The only time I’ve ever slept with someone is if I’ve been extremely drunk etc. I’ve never had a girlfriend I’ve been able to hold/kiss/love. I’ve tried long distance relationships in the past, but they’ve never worked. Most have went on to find people who live closer, others just vanish from the face of the earth/lose contact. For someone so confident/flirty online, it’s pathetic. One gal made me feel really special about myself, and I think I loved her. It never would of happened though. The word beautiful was an understatement.

-------

The result of this makes me feel empty inside. I post a fair bit telling people to be more positive. I’m trying this myself, but it’s easier said than done. I stay up till early hours of each night, trying to make friends on here/various sites to no effect. I aim to help others before helping myself. Making someone smile, then crying yourself to sleep should not be how you live your life.

I’ve attempted suicide a few times before. Not that I want to die. I’m not pro living either. I just feel empty. I feel nothing.

I’m fed up of pretending to be something I’m not.

I’m fed up of this.

Scott

Scott,
I am sorry that you go through this. Life is so not fair. and people can be cruel.
You are not alone... the amazing thing about this great forum is that 'most' of us share in the same issues, different, but same in many ways,

Please PM me any time, I think you are a great guy(

Love,
-me xoxo

 

[Legato]

It's nice that you care,

As said, I'm at the stage where nothing anyone says really helps/works. I've broke down numerous times today.

Hopefully in time it will get better, but right now it's just emptyness

 

[kinzeUK]

It's nice that you care,

As said, I'm at the stage where nothing anyone says really helps/works. I've broke down numerous times today.

Hopefully in time it will get better, but right now it's just emptyness

Hey Scott

I'm sorry to read that, I was a little suprised I suppose to read this after reading some of your responses to people. I thought "**** man, this kid is mature and comes off far more intelligent than I did at his age, even now and I'm 37". But I also realise from this post that even people like you have that breaking point always looming. I know this because your post describes me almost to a tee.

I moved back in with my parents last year because I lost my flat through losing my job the year before to damn well near losing my mind end of 2010. I've never been lucky in love, been single for more years than I care to count. The one person who I met that I am pretty sure was my soulmate, well, I never actually met her. It was someone I met through a chatroom then spent time with, every day and night on the phone for months. She was suffering from a blood disorder (which I found out many years later was the truth) and really, it's far too long to try and even remember more details but suffice to say we shared the same birthday and we were SO much alike, it still does my head in even now. She asked me straight out to marry her, twice in fact on two seperate occasions and I almost said yes there and then both times. Sounds retarded, right? Someone I never met before and all? But I swear man, I knew, I ******* KNEW in my heart that if there was anyone that I could say was my soulmate it was her.

But I wanted to meet her first and yet I knew I couldn't because she was so ill and her mum was very protective of her. The end result was that I heard less and less from her until one day nothing at all despite my phone calls and emails. Then I get a long detailed email saying how she was proposed to by her longtime male friend and that they were getting married just after our birthdays. I can't even tell you even 10 years on how that broke me. What made it worse was at that time I was suffering from my first serious bout of real depression and being out of work and seemingly abandoned by all of my friends except my two best and closest friends (who didn't really know what was going on with me).

I was in my first flat too at the time and had been made redundant from one of the only handful of jobs I've had that was even remotely 'long term'. Jesus, I could go on here but I won't. I guess I'm just saying all this because for one, I DO know how you feel, straight up and secondly because I guess now I'm typing all this out, it helps even in a small way, alleviate both my current pain and the everlasting regret and hurt that I think I'll carry with me if not till the day I die, then at least for a long time yet@Amanda (the lady in question I was talking about).

And I ain't going to give you the usual spiel that well meaning people always say to you in this scenario about staying positive and all that stuff because as you say, you usually advise that to other people, the same as I do when I'm not in a particular slump at any one time. Last week I couldn't even have read this post. Now I feel at least partly able to think how I would normally think and be a little more objective.

Sorry to have rambled on here. I sure hope that you take comfort from the people on here as I keep saying a lot recently, there really does seem to be some genuine people all looking out for each other and the fact that we all have this place to come too, just makes life that bit more bearable I think.

 

[Legato]

Thank you Kinze.

That means a lot. I didnt see any of it as rambling. I'm grateful you took time out to tell me about it.

I know I'm not alone with the feeling, but I'm alone in person. I could have a million online friends and i'd still probably feel like that. I've lost so much sleep lately. Not because of how ill I am, but as a result of meeting great people from different time zones. Staying up till all hours just so I can talk to people. Even that doesnt seem to satisfy me.

It's the first time in my life that I'm stuck at a dead end. Usually I have options, but all options lately seem to lead to paths I'd rather not go again.

I feel invisible, empty, confused. It's impossible to put into words

 

[blackdot]

Legato:
I've hit that same dead end recently. Normally there are secret side streets where you can get back on the normal path. Or someone there to guide you to the next intersection. Or a sign that has a map.
But it's like I'm sitting in a giant ghost town with no one left and no car to get out. Just stranded 1000 miles away from anyone. And there's a map that has "You are here" but nothing else. Then I see in small writing that is says "You will never get to leave."

It's really scary. No answers and no way out. No hope of happiness.

My coworkers thought it was hilarious today when I said that I would absolutely dread having 3 days off in a week cause 2 are so bad. They just don't understand what it's like to have no one.

 

[Legato]

It's a horrible feeling to have.

I can't win either way.

I could be in a crowd of people and still feel i'm invisible. Happens all the time. People just walk by and dont notice me. In the real world it's bad enough. When it happens on the internet...it's worse that you ever believed it would be.

Maybe this will change, maybe it wont.

 

[Hoffy]

Please come back to the PM. That's not it at all. My phone is acting crazy. I promise.

 

[blackdot]

Invisible is all I know. I have a nickname with a large group I am with for community service work. It's Invisible <insert my real name>. None of them realize the hidden meaning behind it is that I really am invisible. Able to vanish where ever I am. It can be handy at time but it's a curse at other times.
Unfortunately I am about to age out of that group since they have the 40 year old age limit. Once that is over my only source of people will be at work and that keeps getting sent over seas.

I have to work this weekend. I was unfortunately not able to get to work on New Hells Day.
Another beginning of the year all alone. Slowly wasting away.

 

[kinzeUK]

Legato you in particular just put it so succintly what it feels like at the top of the page here. That really is the best surmation of how I think it is like for a lot of us on here. You have a great way with words as does Blackdot (especially your analagy about the ghost town BD).

Thing is, since last night I feel like whatever little minor positive buzz I had the last 2-3 days is on its way out now, mostly thanks to feeling like crap thanks to this constant bloody acid reflux shitfuckthing grrrrrrrrr. Was talking to Eve about this as she went through same thing and I've got a doc's appt next Tuesday. It's bad to the point that it disturbs my already disturbed sleeping patterns and this morning for instance, I woke up feeling like I had swallowed battery acid and it had lodged in my chest

Grrrrr I can feel me going back to the darkside again.....

 

[blackdot]

It just hit me what I was trying to think of.
The feeling is like that of a black hole.
Things outside the black hole are fine. They can come and go as they please.
But once you hit the "event horizon", that all changes. It's the point at which there is no possible return. Once you have hit that realm, it's over.
I have not hit it but it's so close I can reach out and feel it.

 

[5pt7art]

It's a horrible feeling to have.

I can't win either way.

I could be in a crowd of people and still feel i'm invisible. Happens all the time. People just walk by and dont notice me. In the real world it's bad enough. When it happens on the internet...it's worse that you ever believed it would be.

Maybe this will change, maybe it wont.

splitting image of me.

 

[Anten]

You guys need to cheer up.

I have a friend that has the weirdest saying and mantra when it comes to women. "If I talk to 10 girls, 1 of them will give me their number." He is happy with a 10% success rate.

 

[blackdot]

hmmm.. that could be right. In the 1 year of being on dating services, I went out with about 7 or 8 females.
of those 7 or 8, 1 gave me her number.
That one refuses to answer her phone or reply to e-mails though.