Has there ever been a moment in your life when you didn't want anything?

[Azariah]

One time when I was alone by the beach sitting under the shade of some trees i felt at peace and at that moment i felt like I had everything I needed.

 

[mizera]

Recently I looked up some nicer apartments online and thought it will be nice one day when I can afford to move into one. But then I thought about it some more. The living room is where people gather. The kitchen is where people cook meals for more than one person. I then realized that a nice apartment was of course better than my studio, but not that much better. Upgrading my lifestyle isn't going to make much difference in my life. I've also thought about what I'd do if I won the lottery and the answer is nothing. There is nothing that I want. My loneliness has sapped me of any ambitions or desires.

 

[user 176211]

Recently I looked up some nicer apartments online and thought it will be nice one day when I can afford to move into one. But then I thought about it some more. The living room is where people gather. The kitchen is where people cook meals for more than one person. I then realized that a nice apartment was of course better than my studio, but not that much better. Upgrading my lifestyle isn't going to make much difference in my life. I've also thought about what I'd do if I won the lottery and the answer is nothing. There is nothing that I want. My loneliness has sapped me of any ambitions or desires.

I've read some of your posts. I was wondering, you said you work from home, right?

I think you mentioned that at work you can't usually talk about what you've done on the weekend due to lack of activity and loneliness. How is/was your work environment when you worked in person? Did you have friends there? Or were the relationships casual? Just asking because much of what you say rings a bell with me. But I found that when I started working in my career about 6 years ago, I went from lonely to getting tons of experience being social overnight. I was an instant hit at my job, but for the wrong reasons. While I was there, I actually believed that whole "This is my work family" mumbo jumbo. But after we got sent home for the pandemic, it became painfully obvious that I was "popular" because I was a hard worker and for the things I'd do for people (help, coach, provide focus for projects, resume advice, writing advice, etc)

 

[user15010]

One time when I was alone by the beach sitting under the shade of some trees i felt at peace and at that moment i felt like I had everything I needed.

I get such moments time to time. I think they happen when I manage somehow to forget about I as an individual and remember that my existence is always in relation to someone or something else, that I'm only a small part of something bigger, like marriage, a work team, society or nature. It's a bit like disappearing, blending in background, a spark or a ripple. I can't explain it really. Maybe dao or wu-wei

 

[mizera]

I've read some of your posts. I was wondering, you said you work from home, right?

I think you mentioned that at work you can't usually talk about what you've done on the weekend due to lack of activity and loneliness. How is/was your work environment when you worked in person? Did you have friends there? Or were the relationships casual? Just asking because much of what you say rings a bell with me. But I found that when I started working in my career about 6 years ago, I went from lonely to getting tons of experience being social overnight. I was an instant hit at my job, but for the wrong reasons. While I was there, I actually believed that whole "This is my work family" mumbo jumbo. But after we got sent home for the pandemic, it became painfully obvious that I was "popular" because I was a hard worker and for the things I'd do for people (help, coach, provide focus for projects, resume advice, writing advice, etc)

I was friendly with a few people at the office. It's a small office but I was lucky that one guy has the same hobby as me. He's a collector and seemed always happy to show me his new acquisitions. I was happy because then I could show others in the office that I had interests in life and wasn't totally boring. But when the pandemic happened, I never came back to the office, and he kept going in. There were reasons he had to go there, but I expect that he feels neglected in a sense, since I could come in a day or two every week and hang out, but I don't. It was some strange luck that he works in that office. I had been wondering about what sort of person I could become friends with at this age. We would have to have something in common, an interest. And then I start this job and he's there. And then what I proceed to do is neglect the relationship. I have become so comfortable being alone that I cannot bring others into my life. I don't want anyone to know how lonely I am, or how small my world is. You don't have to get very close to someone at all to reveal these facts about your life. All you can hope is that people keep their judgements to themselves. I feel like I'm limited to talking about subjects and things, but nothing related to the life I live. Something as normal as talking about my weekend would indicate to someone how small my life is.

 

[idaniel]

I've always been shy, but social. I grew up in a small town, and I was involved in lots of activities as a teen. So at one time I knew lots of people. I remember thinking back then that I really didn't want anything more because I was happy just hanging out with friends. Flash forward a few decades, and I never imagined how isolating life could become.

 

[Colster]

The closest I got to fulfilment was in the years leading up to my daughter's birth. We had all the supplementary superficial things. Money was good. We moved in the right circles. At that point in time, I had achieved everything that we are supposed to.

Retrospectively, I never want to go back to any of that. A great many reasons why, which are for another post.

Looking at the now, I am not particularly unhappy with my lot. Sure, everyone wants more, there's always something. For me, more travel, more money...

But if life were not to change from the present, then I'm ok with it. Earned everything that I own. Been a good Dad. Had many wonderful dogs, who've all been spoilt. I've educated myself to a reasonable standard, bearing in mind, I loathed school. And, I don't owe anyone, anything.

 

[TheSkaFish]

No, I've always wanted things - tangible and non-tangible things - but I've always struggled with the fear that I was unable to get them out of being inherently not good enough, because I didn't seem to have a lot of naturally strong traits, knacks/inclinations, or luck. I didn't really feel like the kind of person that life worked out for on its own.

 

[user 135671]

The thing I've wanted most of my life is to be left alone, no ties, no responsibilities, no commitments.

All I can say now is be careful what you wish for.

 

[user 176211]

I was friendly with a few people at the office. It's a small office but I was lucky that one guy has the same hobby as me. He's a collector and seemed always happy to show me his new acquisitions. I was happy because then I could show others in the office that I had interests in life and wasn't totally boring. But when the pandemic happened, I never came back to the office, and he kept going in. There were reasons he had to go there, but I expect that he feels neglected in a sense, since I could come in a day or two every week and hang out, but I don't. It was some strange luck that he works in that office. I had been wondering about what sort of person I could become friends with at this age. We would have to have something in common, an interest. And then I start this job and he's there. And then what I proceed to do is neglect the relationship. I have become so comfortable being alone that I cannot bring others into my life. I don't want anyone to know how lonely I am, or how small my world is. You don't have to get very close to someone at all to reveal these facts about your life. All you can hope is that people keep their judgements to themselves. I feel like I'm limited to talking about subjects and things, but nothing related to the life I live. Something as normal as talking about my weekend would indicate to someone how small my life is.

I completely understand this, 100%. I am similar. I actually have a lot of people around me, acquaintances from work and such that invite me to events, parties, family gatherings. But just as you say, I am so comfortable being alone that it wouldn't take much to see what the real deal is about my loneliness. I know it sounds weird because there are people around me willing to include me, but sometimes I feel like in a social group, I'd be like a cancerous cell that would isolate myself from the rhythm of the rest of the group.

Its not that I don't want to take those folks up on these generous offers of inclusion, its just that I know what the price for being in social situations are. Always around the holidays, I have tried to force myself to be social. And then I spend weeks hiding away to "recharge my batteries". It gets tiring for me. This year, I can't even oblige as my mother had a stroke in September and I have been taking care of her.