Hello! I am new here.

[RH272]

Hi!

I am a young adult and introvert trying to understand people.

Can I explain my long situation on here? I want to hear some feedback from an outside perspective.

Thanks

 

[TheRealCallie]

Welcome to ALL

Of course you can explain. As long as you don't break any rules, you can post whatever you want.

 

[okidoke]

Welcome and go for it.

 

[Minus]

Welcome to the forums

 

[RH272]

Hi, I apologize if this story is too long. Here I go

My main reason for joining is beacause of something the has happend over the last 2 years. I want to hear what someone from an outside perspective thinks about this. And off course, this is about a girl. I don't get how a persons actions or lack there of, can affect someone else like myself to the point of wanting to go see a therapist costing me money and time.


I am 17 years old and in my final year of High School in 2022. I have never had a girlfriend. Had a crush on one or two girls during my 12 years of school but never anything serious on which I took further actions on.


One morning during school I was walking with my friend to his girlfriend at the time. This was by chance that I met her, never heard or seen her before during their relationship. Another girl (M) greeted my friend when he was standing with his girlfriend.


The girl (M) who greeted him, I immediately noticed, her looks attracted me yes, but there was just something about her. I can't describe it. She was like an important word you highlight in a paragraph.

Turns out, the girl(M)who I noticed was the twin sister of my friends girlfriend. I immediately started finding out more about this girl.

I started talking to her(M)on Instagram, I am very shy and struggle to talk to new people in person. We talked for a long while and I then got her phone number. We share a lot of interests, she is also a introvert and also very shy. I started having feelings for her, more than just friends. So at School, I asked her if I can talk to her privately after school ended. I waited at the spot and after a while se did arrive. I wanted to tell her that a like her. Unfortunately we were so uncomfortable with each otber that we hardly made eye contact and I almost couldn't get anything out of my mouth. I never got to say what I wanted to.

That very evening I sent her a message and asked if I could call her. She said yes and I made the call. I had more confidence and declared that I liked her. She did not say anything, but just kind of giggled and said after a while that she does not want to be in a relationship with anyone. She wants to concentrate on her School work. She also said that famous saying, I want to just stay friends with you.

I was very disappointed but did understand her point. We started talking about something else and only an hour later we ended the call. It was very nice to talk to her over the phone and I think we both enjoyed it.

We didn't talk much after that. I felt that she didn't see me like a friend anymore. She never sent me a message. I was always the first to start the conversation. So I stopped talking to her. That was middle of 2022

We have an age difference of about 4 years. I was in Gr12/ Matric (17/18 years old) and she was in Gr8 (15 years old) when I declared my feelings for her.

Fast forward to middle 2023. I have since finished school, but I am now working at the same school( not as a teacher). I walk past her(M)once a week, and everytime I do, she quickly makes eye contact with me then looks down and almost ignores me when I greet her. It feels like someone is stabbing me with a knife in my heart evertime I walk past her and she ignores me.

So beginning of this year I decided to approach her again, because I still have feelings for her and I just can't forget her. I sent her a message asking if I can meet her the next morning before school starts. She replies and says yes that's fine.

So the next morning I go to the spot were we are supposed to meet, standing there like a fool for 30mins and she never pitched up. Later that day I ran into her and then approached her. She said that she forgot about our meeting, but I continue with my mission anyway. We chatted for a few minutes and I then went for it. I asked her if she wants to join me for coffee or a cool drink in the school holidays. She said yes! I was very excited.

A few days later in the holiday she(M) sent me a message asking if we can arange the meeting for a specific day, and I confirmed. We aranged to go to a coffee shop near her house and I would pick her up at her house.

And the meetup day arrived. I picked her up at her house. Introducing myself to her mother, promising to drive safely with her daughter in the car and opening the door of the car for her to climb in. We had a coffee and chatted about lots of things. There was one or two akward moments, we both struggle with eye contact but I tried my best. After the coffee we went for a ride next to the coastline and I got ice cream for us. 5 hours from picking her up, to dropping her at her house again. I enjoyed it so much that I didn't even notice the time. We mainly talked about school stuff and what your dream career is. I really enjoyed that day. Later that day I sent her a message to say thanks for the day and that I really enjoyed it. She replied back and said that she also enjoyed it.

After that day nothing came from her side again. I was always the first to start a conversation. I was asking frequently when we could meetup again. We live about an 80KM from each other so it's not just a 5minute ride to her. I kept on asking and asking to meetup again and the only answer I got was, "I will see how my plans workout then I'll let you know" . She(M) also did bluetick quite a few messages from me asking her questions about herself or something else.

Finally after a lot of effort and nagging I got her to agree to meeting up again. She tried pulling out of the meeting, by saying that it might rain? We never planned to do anything outside. So the morning arrives and it is actually a beautiful sunny day. I stop at her house and pick her up. We started talking and she said that we could go walk next to the beach. That sounded cool to me so there we went. Talking about school and friends and family, the normal stuff. 2 Hours into our walk, I said to her that I must confess something. I told her that I still liked her( First time I told her was almost 2 years ago and I could not get her out of my mind).
She didn't say a word. I knew that I made a mistake by telling her that. I made a comment and said that she does not have to be in a relationship with me if she does not want to, we can just stay friends. Then finally she said something. Her words were once again, "I want to focus on my education and don't want to be in a relationship now" . Which were fine with me. But then she said something else. Her exact word were " So many other guys have also told me that they liked me, but I also told them the same I told you just now". I felt very embarrassed and a bit disappointed. We managed to make it to the end of our meetup, but I can confidently say that the 2nd meetup did not go as smooth as the 1st one.

On my way to her house, to drop her off, i told her that I want to embarrass myself even more. I told her that I will wait untill she finishes School if that means I will have a chance with her. She blushed and said she feels so bad for turning down a possible "relationship". She also mentioned that she is so afraid of getting hurt by someone, getting feelings for them and then breakup. I am just as afraid of that, but I though that this girl(M) is worth the gamble.That was not a good day, it felt like a made mistake by telling her about my feelings.

Later that day, I sent her(M) a message thanking her once again for the day and pointing out that I embarrassed myself badly in a joke that day.

After that day nothing has happened again. Once again, I always start the conversation on Whatsapp. Sometimes she (M)replies with a very short answer and other times nothing at all. I have since asked her if we can meetup again this June holiday. Got the same answer about she'll check how her plans workout and then she'll let me know. The holiday has now stopped and haven't heard anything back from her. Also, she now ignores me completely at school when I walk past her. Even if we happend to be in the same room by chance and alone, she won't even greet me, just looks down at her phone.

I am tired. I don't get what is going on. I don't what to do now. Yes, I understand that I must probably just leave her alone, but I just can't. Like I said at the beginning. There is just something that is so special about her. I have never felt like this before about someone and I can't give up on her even if we can just stay real "friends". I am out of answers. It has started affecting my mood over last month. I feel that I dont have anything to be excited about.

On another note. My friend and his girlfriend( twin sister of the girl(M) I am interested in) did break up at the end of 2022. There was lot's of drama, I don't know what happened. I am scared that she thinks I am just someone that will break her heart in the first week.

I currently have no friends nearby, everyone has moved away, so I don't know if I just feel lonely and just want to have friends again like the old days.

I can't stop thinking of her(M). What is your view on this story? For the sake of privacy, my name R and the girl I am interested in is M

Thanks for reading my story.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Hi, I apologize if this story is too long. Here I go

My main reason for joining is beacause of something the has happend over the last 2 years. I want to hear what someone from an outside perspective thinks about this. And off course, this is about a girl. I don't get how a persons actions or lack there of, can affect someone else like myself to the point of wanting to go see a therapist costing me money and time.

Okay, here's my take on it. She might be genuine in saying she doesn't want a relationship right now...or she might not be. She could be too scared to be in a relationship....or she might not be. The honest truth is that I don't know. The only person that DOES know is her. No one can give you the answer, though, I suspect most of the replies outside of mine will be something like "dude, she's not into you, she's a manipulative girl and you should run away now." Again, they don't know. All that is is assumption.

Now, as for my advice. I'm not saying give up on her, but you need to go about your life. Say hi to her if you see her, you don't have to ignore her, but you have to work on yourself and having a life of your own. If she is the right girl for you, there will come a time when you reconnect, when she will be ready. But don't...I repeat DO NOT....put your life on hold waiting for her. You could miss out on so many opportunities.

Also, there is nothing wrong with therapy. It might even help you with your shyness.

And....apparently, your message and my reply are too much. 10,000 character limit it said lol

 

[RH272]

Okay, here's my take on it. She might be genuine in saying she doesn't want a relationship right now...or she might not be. She could be too scared to be in a relationship....or she might not be. The honest truth is that I don't know. The only person that DOES know is her. No one can give you the answer, though, I suspect most of the replies outside of mine will be something like "dude, she's not into you, she's a manipulative girl and you should run away now." Again, they don't know. All that is is assumption.

Now, as for my advice. I'm not saying give up on her, but you need to go about your life. Say hi to her if you see her, you don't have to ignore her, but you have to work on yourself and having a life of your own. If she is the right girl for you, there will come a time when you reconnect, when she will be ready. But don't...I repeat DO NOT....put your life on hold waiting for her. You could miss out on so many opportunities.

Also, there is nothing wrong with therapy. It might even help you with your shyness.

And....apparently, your message and my reply are too much. 10,000 character limit it said lol

Hi, Thanks again for reading and writing back. I definitely get you about continuing with life. The relationship is not the big issue for me, but more the fact that someone says lets be friends. But the proceeds to almost ignore me. That is what I don't understand

 

[TheRealCallie]

Hi, Thanks again for reading and writing back. I definitely get you about continuing with life. The relationship is not the big issue for me, but more the fact that someone says lets be friends. But the proceeds to almost ignore me. That is what I don't understand

Well see there again, you have the age old issue of only she knows the real reason behind her words and the contradicting actions. She could be lying or she could be afraid to do things with you out of fear of developing feelings for you, making no relationships very hard. Or she could be sad that she turned you down. Or she could not want to accidentally lead you on. Or or or. There are a million reasons.

One thing I can tell you with certainty though....the more you try to understand women, the more confused you will be. We don't even understand ourselves half the time. Lol

 

[RH272]

Well see there again, you have the age old issue of only she knows the real reason behind her words and the contradicting actions. She could be lying or she could be afraid to do things with you out of fear of developing feelings for you, making no relationships very hard. Or she could be sad that she turned you down. Or she could not want to accidentally lead you on. Or or or. There are a million reasons.

One thing I can tell you with certainty though....the more you try to understand women, the more confused you will be. We don't even understand ourselves half the time. Lol

Did I understand your 2nd reply correctly? Only the two of us in this forum beacuse of the character limit exceeded?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Did I understand your 2nd reply correctly? Only the two of us in this forum beacuse of the character limit exceeded?

There appears to be a 10,000 character limit for each post. Between your post and my reply, it exceeded that 10,000 limit, so I had to edit out some of your post to make room for mine. Everyone else can still post, it's just individual posts that can't exceed that limit.

 

[okidoke]

Look at this advice I gave a young fellow a little while ago. Some of it might apply to you.

 

[RH272]

Look at this advice I gave a young fellow a little while ago. Some of it might apply to you.

Thanks for sharing @okidoke

I do have some similarities to the person in that thread, so I did find some of that info useful. Particularly the "now ignoring me for no reason". And like @TheRealCallie pointed out, trying to understand women, will just make you more confused.

I did feel like I was the problem or that I might have done something wrong. Reading other's stories has made me more comfortable that it almost seems "normal"

I still feel like it is kind of rude to just straight up ignore someone without a explanation. It is what it is now, don't think anything I do now will have a good outcome so best to just let this leave this and carry on with life

 

[TheRealCallie]

I did feel like I was the problem or that I might have done something wrong. Reading other's stories has made me more comfortable that it almost seems "normal"

EVERYONE feels like that after something like that happens, whether they struggle in that department or not. So yes, it is "normal" to react that way, just don't let it fester and turn you bitter.

I still feel like it is kind of rude to just straight up ignore someone without a explanation

Of course it's rude, but you can't control what other people do and sadly, most of the time, you don't get a reason/explanation.

 

[RH272]

Would it be a mistake if I were to go and talk to her about our friendship(just our firendship)? I feel like there is some sort of miscommunication or confusion, well from my side at least.

I fully understand that she doesn't want a relationship. I would still like a frienship, just like she suggested.

Yes I do like her, so at the moment I only see her as perfect and can't see her as someone who is rude or dishonest.

I just want to hear her side of the story from her directly and I feel like this isn't something that should be discussed over a message.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Would it be a mistake if I were to go and talk to her about our friendship(just our firendship)? I feel like there is some sort of miscommunication or confusion, well from my side at least.

I fully understand that she doesn't want a relationship. I would still like a frienship, just like she suggested.

Yes I do like her, so at the moment I only see her as perfect and can't see her as someone who is rude or dishonest.

I just want to hear her side of the story from her directly and I feel like this isn't something that should be discussed over a message.

Would it be a mistake? No idea, really. It could go either way. If you try to push it, you could lose her completely. If you don't try to push it, you could also lose her completely. Women are a tricky bunch. It is often "damned if you do, damned if you don't" lol

 

[kaetic]

Would it be a mistake if I were to go and talk to her about our friendship(just our firendship)? I feel like there is some sort of miscommunication or confusion, well from my side at least.

I fully understand that she doesn't want a relationship. I would still like a frienship, just like she suggested.

Yes I do like her, so at the moment I only see her as perfect and can't see her as someone who is rude or dishonest.

I just want to hear her side of the story from her directly and I feel like this isn't something that should be discussed over a message.

I don't know how it works in South Africa, which is where your profile says you are from, but I would be very careful in how you deal with this as it could cost you your job. You said you work at the school she attends. If there is a complaint from the girl or her parents you're the one who will likely suffer the consequences. Women are tricky, but teenage girls are the devil.

I get there is only a 4 year age difference, but I feel the risk here is enormous. A 20 year old dating a 16 year old in the US could cause horrible legal issues - that will never go away- , regardless of whether the girl wants the relationship or not.

I did feel like I was the problem or that I might have done something wrong. Reading other's stories has made me more comfortable that it almost seems "normal"

I still feel like it is kind of rude to just straight up ignore someone without a explanation. It is what it is now, don't think anything I do now will have a good outcome so best to just let this leave this and carry on with life

Also, due to her age and inexperience, she may not know how to communicate when she's feeling uncomfortable. So that could explain why she's avoiding you. I don't know, but that's how I would take it.

I agree, the best option is to move on.

Best of luck to you.

 

[RH272]

I don't know how it works in South Africa, which is where your profile says you are from, but I would be very careful in how you deal with this as it could cost you your job. You said you work at the school she attends. If there is a complaint from the girl or her parents you're the one who will likely suffer the consequences. Women are tricky, but teenage girls are the devil.

I get there is only a 4 year age difference, but I feel the risk here is enormous. A 20 year old dating a 16 year old in the US could cause horrible legal issues - that will never go away- , regardless of whether the girl wants the relationship or not.


Also, due to her age and inexperience, she may not know how to communicate when she's feeling uncomfortable. So that could explain why she's avoiding you. I don't know, but that's how I would take it.

I agree, the best option is to move on.

Best of luck to you.

Technically I was still going to school when we met.

But I hear you, the legal stuff. Which I did not think of. I am not one who would force someone to be in a relationship with me or to be my friend. There is nothing that is going to happen with her anyway, relationship or friendship.

I hate being an "adult". Not just because of this. I feel like I have no meaning in life. My only goal in life is to buy my dream car which I have saved up to 30% already. After that, I have nothing else to work towards to.

 

[kaetic]

Technically I was still going to school when we met.

But I hear you, the legal stuff. Which I did not think of. I am not one who would force someone to be in a relationship with me or to be my friend. There is nothing that is going to happen with her anyway, relationship or friendship.

I hate being an "adult". Not just because of this. I feel like I have no meaning in life. My only goal in life is to buy my dream car which I have saved up to 30% already. After that, I have nothing else to work towards to.

That's awesome though, it's hard as hell to save right now.
What type of car?
Everyone feels like that btw. Like there's no meaning, and maybe there isn't. I wish I could say it gets easier as you get older. It hasn't for me, but that's not saying much.

 

[RH272]

That's awesome though, it's hard as hell to save right now.
What type of car?
Everyone feels like that btw. Like there's no meaning, and maybe there isn't. I wish I could say it gets easier as you get older. It hasn't for me, but that's not saying much.

It's a Bmw M2 F87 in long beach blue

 

[TropicalStarfish]

@RH272 If I have anything to contribute here, and if I have anything worthy of consideration to say; I'd say consider the following...

It's nice to have a goal of saving to buy a car. Goals can be a very good thing to have. Some goals are high risk and low possibility. Some are high possibility and low risk. So, try to find the sweet spot. Some one who wants to become a body builder can't start curling 50lbs right off the bat (unless they are naturally muscular). Anyway, most of that is obvious. My point is the following however: cars usually will only lose value, and very quickly will they lose it. It's not a bad goal to have. A goal can be good. But, I say that, that you might consider other possibilities in addition to your goal.

-If a library is available to you, or the internet, or higher education, consider seeking to expand your knowledge and perhaps gain expertise. For example, if you like cars, you could learn to become a mechanic, and perhaps from there, learn engineering. Mechanics can fix cars, but, engineers can design, build, and implement the things that make cars function, or entire cars themselves. One gets paid more than the other, because their expertise has a lower supply and a higher demand.
--the options and avenues in life, are likely to be greater, if you can make progress in the above considerations.
---Work that is of interest to oneself, and something one can be proud of, and that provides a continual and steady challenge/fascination, can be a source of constant happiness and contentment; and being happy and contented in work, affords opportunities to share that happiness and contentment outside of work.

So, if possible, take some of that into consideration.

Stocks / investments / fiscal know-how / acquiring new knowledge and experiences / acquiring marketable skills ...

I knew a guy once, here in the United States... He had a child, in his early twenties... He worked a minimum wage job on the weekends, and drove a bus on the weekdays... His options were limited. But, when we had breaks together at work: he could always be found having a book handy. If there was some one to talk to, he'd talk; but, otherwise he'd read. He had a good composure and attitude; he was a solid dude. His life was little more than the obligations he had to tend to, and the work required of him to do that; but, he still read in his free time, and played table-top RPG games with friends, when he could. Cool guy..

So, don't get trapped thinking that: there is no meaning to your life. Ultimately, there is no meaning to this life at all. Is there meaning in the sun? It's just a big ball of burning gas. Is there meaning to Alpha Centauri? Nope: just another big ball of burning gas. It's us who creates the meaning. The Egyptians decided the Sun was a God, that gave life. And a discerning eye and inquisitive mind can find fascination in the stars.

Make your own meaning. Consdier expanding beyond that singular goal, if the notion appeals to you. Maybe try juggling two goals, then, maybe three; small at first perhaps, then... Who knows?

Anyway, that's a lot to lay on you, but, it's some points you might consider.

Some people are creative types: they live and breathe to express themselves through art: music, film, literature, dance, etc..
Some people want to help others: in the political sense, the medical sense, the spiritual sense, the psychological sense, the philosophical sense, etc..
Some people are curious: they like to learn about history, people, culture, sciences, etc..
Some people are a bit mechanical and like problem solving: architects, engineers, mechanics, carpenters, plumbers, mathmaticians, etc..
Some people are competitive, they like to compete in, sport, business, martial arts, gymnastics, etc.. etc..
Some people are aesthetic types: fashion, trends, decoration, architecture, etc..
Some people are nature types: like to hike, climb, swim, sail, etc..
Some folks are inquisitive thinkers: philosophy, debate, study, etc..
Some folks love to experience life: they like adventure, other people, places, ideas, travel, and are always on the move, etc..

Of all the types I've listed above, there are far more, and all kinds of mixtures of each, found in all kinds of people: some of them will achieve great success, and others will fail horribly, but they'll all have a story, whether it gets told or not. So, it's a terribly exciting thing, this life stuff.

For me, I think, meaning is something life can give to us, and also something we can attribute to life, or both. Study yourself a bit. Consider where you are, where you might like to be, and what the posibilities between those two places, and beyond, might be. Go from there.