Hi peeps

[CatToy]

Hi folks

I came across this site the other night, I was feeling really low, the lowest I've felt in a long, long time. The cause for "this" misery I know all too well, and most people (everybody really), myself included would say that it is my own fault and I deserve everything I get... Anyway, you'll be glad to know I'm feeling much better today!

All the stuff that was upsetting me is still there, still going on, but at least I've stopped crying now just! Things seem to be brightening up a little.

While looking around the forums the last couple of nights, reading the problems that people are having remind me so much of myself when I was younger, that "are you still a virgin" thread was heartbreaking. While I lost it in the end, it did take a while.

Likewise, there's an 18 year old girl who posted on here last week (with photo) saying she's fat and ugly - she's quite pretty. I'm a 39 year old bloke but I do understand her plight, I was the same at her age. I've battled with my weight all my life. I may or may not offer her some advice, but it will be nothing she hasn't heard before.

There was some guy too who was being strung along by some drug addict crackpot woman - a couple of years ago I started seeing a girl I met in the pub, I actually went out with her for 12 months on and off - turns out she was alcoholic and not particularly a nice person. But out of sheer desperation I tried to stick it out and make it work... I know just how this dude feels. Checking the phone every two mins, knowing you shouldn't. Knowing that in the long run this is just going to make you feel worse. Human company is human company at the end of the day, and its great, just for once to be able to say your not single.

It was my birthday last week, as usual I spent it alone. Been around 15 years now since I had a birthday that I enjoyed. At least I kept the tears back this time... 40 next year, that will be a killer. Christmas' are the same but thankfully they don't have a number attached, they just blend into one giant ball of awfulness.

My problem now, unlike alot of folks on here, isn't that I've got no friends or family - I've got plenty, its just everyone's married now with kids and I only see them once or twice a year. I have a decent job that pays well, but all I ever seem to do is go to work, come home and sit in an empty house alone. I'd love to be able to go on holiday with someone special.

I have no problems really making friends, I get on well with the people at work (for the most part) - I am a genuinely nice guy. I've done some ******* stupid stuff over the years but nothing horrible - I never did stuff that hurts others, no violence/theft/cruelty or anything like that. My thing was (and still is, to a point, a much much diluted point these days) drugs - never dealing tho.... and the booze - always with the booze. You know, I sit here now and I really, really wish I hadn't got quite so smashed everytime I went out. But, what's done is done.

I have things to do at the weekend - but choose not to do them, I know alot of people on here would give their right arm for my life right now. I know things could be alot worse, they could be alot better though.

A day or so ago I felt suicidal, today that wreched cheery optimism that I always seems to have has returned - I know exactly where this comes from, I've even mustered a smile or two this morning. If I'm honest I could feel the depression start to lift about 7:30pm last night

While I have my own problems, for once I genuinely think that I actually might have some decent advice to offer to people on this forum. I've quite abit of experience under my belt now, and I've quite a good idea where I've gone wrong in life. I feel desperately lonely, and I'm hopeless with women. I've systamatically had all my confidence removed from me over the years. I put on a brave face but I'm dying inside. I look back over the years and I've done myself no favors. To be totally honest I'm not sure how much I can take. Still, you got to smile!

I might just sick around here for a while and see if I can help out a few souls. I might even get some help & adivice with my own demons too. Sorry if this post is a bit fragmented, I've knocked it up over the last couple of hours at work.

Hope to get to know a few of you better and hopefully make a difference somewhere.

CatToy

(username... couldn't think of one, spotted a cat toy on the coffee table. It was nearly RainbowCatToy!)

 

[lonelydoc]

Hi folks

I came across this site the other night, I was feeling really low, the lowest I've felt in a long, long time. The cause for "this" misery I know all too well, and most people (everybody really), myself included would say that it is my own fault and I deserve everything I get... Anyway, you'll be glad to know I'm feeling much better today!

All the stuff that was upsetting me is still there, still going on, but at least I've stopped crying now just! Things seem to be brightening up a little.

While looking around the forums the last couple of nights, reading the problems that people are having remind me so much of myself when I was younger, that "are you still a virgin" thread was heartbreaking. While I lost it in the end, it did take a while.

Likewise, there's an 18 year old girl who posted on here last week (with photo) saying she's fat and ugly - she's quite pretty. I'm a 39 year old bloke but I do understand her plight, I was the same at her age. I've battled with my weight all my life. I may or may not offer her some advice, but it will be nothing she hasn't heard before.

There was some guy too who was being strung along by some drug addict crackpot woman - a couple of years ago I started seeing a girl I met in the pub, I actually went out with her for 12 months on and off - turns out she was alcoholic and not particularly a nice person. But out of sheer desperation I tried to stick it out and make it work... I know just how this dude feels. Checking the phone every two mins, knowing you shouldn't. Knowing that in the long run this is just going to make you feel worse. Human company is human company at the end of the day, and its great, just for once to be able to say your not single.

It was my birthday last week, as usual I spent it alone. Been around 15 years now since I had a birthday that I enjoyed. At least I kept the tears back this time... 40 next year, that will be a killer. Christmas' are the same but thankfully they don't have a number attached, they just blend into one giant ball of awfulness.

My problem now, unlike alot of folks on here, isn't that I've got no friends or family - I've got plenty, its just everyone's married now with kids and I only see them once or twice a year. I have a decent job that pays well, but all I ever seem to do is go to work, come home and sit in an empty house alone. I'd love to be able to go on holiday with someone special.

I have no problems really making friends, I get on well with the people at work (for the most part) - I am a genuinely nice guy. I've done some ******* stupid stuff over the years but nothing horrible - I never did stuff that hurts others, no violence/theft/cruelty or anything like that. My thing was (and still is, to a point, a much much diluted point these days) drugs - never dealing tho.... and the booze - always with the booze. You know, I sit here now and I really, really wish I hadn't got quite so smashed everytime I went out. But, what's done is done.

I have things to do at the weekend - but choose not to do them, I know alot of people on here would give their right arm for my life right now. I know things could be alot worse, they could be alot better though.

A day or so ago I felt suicidal, today that wreched cheery optimism that I always seems to have has returned - I know exactly where this comes from, I've even mustered a smile or two this morning. If I'm honest I could feel the depression start to lift about 7:30pm last night

While I have my own problems, for once I genuinely think that I actually might have some decent advice to offer to people on this forum. I've quite abit of experience under my belt now, and I've quite a good idea where I've gone wrong in life. I feel desperately lonely, and I'm hopeless with women. I've systamatically had all my confidence removed from me over the years. I put on a brave face but I'm dying inside. I look back over the years and I've done myself no favors. To be totally honest I'm not sure how much I can take. Still, you got to smile!

I might just sick around here for a while and see if I can help out a few souls. I might even get some help & adivice with my own demons too. Sorry if this post is a bit fragmented, I've knocked it up over the last couple of hours at work.

Hope to get to know a few of you better and hopefully make a difference somewhere.

CatToy

(username... couldn't think of one, spotted a cat toy on the coffee table. It was nearly RainbowCatToy!)

Hello and welcome. I too have my ups and downs.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Welcome to ALL

Also....happy belated birthday

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hello CatToy, welcome to the forum! And happy belated birthday
Hope you'll be able to get something out of this forum.

 

[ConsciousZion]

Hi CT,

I'm new to all this. New to forum and new to recovery of low self-esteem. Glad you shared your story; I can understand the emptiness you feel. I found out last year that my life wasn't exactly going the way I planned. It was quite shocking to me when I finally admitted that the product of my own mothering was lashing back at me. The relationship with my daughter took an ugly turn only because I was finally fed up with it. I fearfully and trembling set boundaries against this foreigner in my house who was trying to chew me like a monster. She ended up moving out. Anyway, it was the beginning of my battle with depression, anxiety, and going to adult children meetings. It was the most frightening and suicidal time of my life. The thoughts of wanting to die were unbearable at times but I knew I wouldn't actually take my life (at least not the same feeling as when I drank alcohol -- I wanted to take my life then). It was just that I didn't know HOW to live.

All of this because I grew up in an alcoholic home with emotional and mental abuse, and neglected most of the time. I never thought once that my past had anything to do with my present relationships. I left history alone a long time ago. But at my first therapy session, I was told I had depression. I was shocked. I couldn't even face how terrible that reality was. Then I picked myself up went to work on myself. I joined adult children of alcoholic groups. Felt like death. I read a ton of books as one led to another. Some days were better than others. I started writing. Let out anger by screaming at the top of my lungs (something I daydreamed about always and finally did). Prayed (then stopped because I found I was escaping reality again). Read low-self esteem books. Now I feel so so so much better about myself. I have learned to stay conscious and also use my thinking. Because a lot of these "outside" problems that seem to "happen to me" were really me not knowing how to deal with them. I would just passively let life and all who are in it do whatever, say whatever, let all be whatever and whatever occurred was infecting me. I adapted helplessness. It's been a tremendous wake up call for me since last year. In other words, I have the power to make MY LIFE happen the way I want it to be. Is it exactly? NO. That might be in the next life. But for right now, I am able to handle things much better.

CT, it sounds like you have the opportunity to do the same. One out of many advantages you have is that you have yourself. Before you have a girlfriend, friend, lover, family, anyone.. you must become friends with yourself. I read that you go home and sit there alone. GOOD. Not too many people have time for just themselves -- and they too can make time. Although we all need companionship, we also need to prioritize. We come first when it comes to relationships. We must feel and be whole before we can contribute to someone else's life. How can we give of ourselves when we are empty? That's why the wrong people stay in our lives. I read How to Raise your self-esteem by Nathaniel Branden among many other books I can share, if you are interested (I didn't want to leave you just sitting there). This is not just a read through it book and move on type. It's interactive. You read, you write, you act. The writing part is so that you can unravel all that greatness you have inside! So I hope you will find yourself doing so.

ConciousZion.

 

[lonelyfairy]

Welcome to the site and I like your username!

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

Welcome

 

[anonymoustaco]

Hi, welcome! I may not be able to relate to you exactly, but I understand what you're saying. I'm glad you got some optimism back, and I hope you can keep it! I would honestly get away from the drugs and booze and replace it with something else, but that's just me. I've had relatives who drugged themselves right out of their miserable lives instead of trying. If you are trying to be happy, never give up. There's only hope so long as you're trying. Never give up, because if you do, you'll never know what could have happened. <3

 

[wolvesjr]

Welcome to the forum CT

 

[WildernessWildChild]

Good intro CT, your honesty is great.

 

[Edward W]

Hi and welcome RainbowCatToy!

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Welcome to the Forum! =)