How can I be happy alone?

[Bei]

I'm sure there's more threads like this on here but I'm needing to vent a bit I guess.

I think I have a problem with needing people to feel happy. I think this is normal for most people but I'm always reminded of how dependent I am on others for my happiness when things go wrong of course. When I do find someone I love talking to I feel so incredibly happy but it never seems to last. Not with online relationships anyway. I feel so unloved right now. I feel a bit crazy wondering what it will take for me to be more confident in who I am. I always feel like I'm not good enough. All I want to do is distract myself from anything that makes me feel bad but the distractions can only ever do it for so long. I don't really know what I'm doing on this forum. I don't know how to be silly and have fun like other people do. I wish I could be like that but I'm shy so that's a bit difficult for me. I keep thinking I've made some wonderful connections but then something always goes wrong. I don't know if I'm making it all up in my head. I understand how unpleasant people can be when they're just negative all the time so I'm sorry if anyone feels that way about me. I do have my happy moments just usually not on here.

I feel like I'm always going to ruin things with people and end up alone. I just feel like such an idiot right now. I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't want to be alone but I would like to figure out how to be at least a little happy alone.

 

[Peaches]

I am with you 100%... on all the points, actually I was going to write a very similar post in a minute, only mine would have been more whiny

PS I think you are cool, I mean, I don't know you, but I suspect it from the posts

 

[Dawnrazor]

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Wow! You are very honest, niave.

I know this is not going to help, but:
Don't blame yourself - very often people you
meet are shallow and just 'playing the game'...

One can be happy alone, believe me - but there is no
magic 'how-to' - it's different for everybody.
To be 'alone' does not necessarily mean 'lonely'.

Solitude is the name for loneliness experienced as
something good and healthy..
.
.

 

[Bei]

I am with you 100%... on all the points, actually I was going to write a very similar post in a minute, only mine would have been more whiny

PS I think you are cool, I mean, I don't know you, but I suspect it from the posts

Aww, not that I post many threads but your replies always make me smile! I think you're pretty cool yourself xD

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Wow! You are very honest, niave.

I know this is not going to help, but:
Don't blame yourself - very often people you
meet are shallow and just 'playing the game'...

One can be happy alone, believe me - but there is no
magic 'how-to' - it's different for everybody.
To be 'alone' does not necessarily mean 'lonely'.

Solitude is the name for loneliness experienced as
something good and healthy..
.
.

Thank you Dawn. I do think it's my fault though. I mean I don't think I'm at all innocent as to why these things happen to me whether it's the way I act, react or expect certain things from another person. I just don't know right now.

Hopefully I can learn how to do more good and healthy things alone. Thanks again for the reply

 

[ardour]

That's really well put. You definitely don't sound like an idiot. I do every time I complain here.

Insecure people find it hard to joke around and be fun out of fear of offending and losing people. Socializing for us can be stressful, like you're on eggshells always concerned about what other people are thinking.

Those people who seem to suddenly drop you, sometimes the problem really is with them, but complaining about it only seems bitter and pointless.
Instead the focus goes back on you, what you could have done differently, more of the same, which leads to the same neurosis over future friendships.
If I knew the answer I probably wouldn't be here. "Stop worrying" isn't much help... HOW do you stop worrying.

 

[Scotsman]

There might be a small element of maybe anticipating something going wrong between you and someone you've become friendly with. Maybe this is a bad comparison but its like if you've ever been cheated on by a partner then sometimes you can carry some of that into a future relationship, in terms of maybe worrying it might happen again and maybe even seeing something in certain things that isn't actually there at all, which in turn would change your behaviour in that relationship, negatively.
Thinking something will go wrong and analysing things you think you see can't be a good basis to start from in any friendship.

Either way, I wish you well.

 

[Alienated]

I have just had to learn to cope... No one want's to have any to do with me, so why would I want them in my life. I accept that, and try to replace that empty feeling with things to concentrate on... ALLOT of hobbies !!

I am always trying to improve myself, so that will be a NEVER ending goal. And one way I do that, is open my eyes to what others are going through that make my problems seem so small and unimportant.
And that makes it manageable for the mean time, but I don't know if I can face another 7 years in isolation. But today I will survive, and I guess that has to be good enough.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I feel a bit crazy wondering what it will take for me to be more confident in who I am. I always feel like I'm not good enough. All I want to do is distract myself from anything that makes me feel bad but the distractions can only ever do it for so long. I don't really know what I'm doing on this forum. I don't know how to be silly and have fun like other people do. I wish I could be like that but I'm shy so that's a bit difficult for me. I keep thinking I've made some wonderful connections but then something always goes wrong. I don't know if I'm making it all up in my head. I understand how unpleasant people can be when they're just negative all the time so I'm sorry if anyone feels that way about me. I do have my happy moments just usually not on here.

I feel like I'm always going to ruin things with people and end up alone. I just feel like such an idiot right now. I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't want to be alone but I would like to figure out how to be at least a little happy alone.

Hey niave, I think I can relate some to you there about how you're always feeling like you're not good enough. I feel it too and don't know what to do to overcome that.. it keeps coming to my head whenever I talk to someone or participate in conversations.

I never knew how to be happy alone.. I've always preferred to be alone though.. and well, I guess do things that make you happy on your own. It can be anything really, volunteer work, crafts, anything really. And not expect anything out of people.. though this is not easy especially if you do yearn for people and communication.

I'm not sure what would be a good thing to say right now, but I hope you know that not everyone can be happy all the time, each person has their down days and it's all right to be the way you are. I have issues with being shy myself, that usually bugs me but then, that's when I try to find distractions.. even if they don't really last that long. And then I just wallow. :\

You know I'm here if you wanna talk. Really hope you'll feel better soon though. *hugs*

 

[Garbageman]

Hi Niave,
Sorry you are in such a tough spot right now. I wanted to comment on you saying you don't know what your doing on this forum. People are here on ALL for many different reasons. Some are here out of desperation, some just to pass the time, others simply to help, and everything in-between. We all work differently and have different personalities, different skill sets, and different ways of handling various issues in our lives. Comparing yourself to how others use and interact here is likely to be self defeating. You can learn from how others interact, but you have to interact in what ways work for you.

You say you don't know how to be silly and have fun, thats ok. I think you would find some of the people who seem to be having so much fun are simply coping the only way they know how. Some of us in person would be so shy that we would never be able to interact the way we do here out in person. I would be willing to bet there are many unknown members out there, affectionally called lurkers, who are not at a point where they even feel comfortable enough to register, and other lurkers that just observing is enough for them.

Please don't feel like an idiot, not wanting to be alone, and at the same time wanting to find a way to be happy alone, is not only common but it many ways healthy. I think it is important to find a balance, they seem like contradictory desires, but you don't have to be alone all the time in order to find ways to be happy alone.

I hope you can find some answers and more importantly some solutions to your struggles.

 

[Bei]

That's really well put. You definitely don't sound like an idiot. I do every time I complain here.

Insecure people find it hard to joke around and be fun out of fear of offending and losing people. Socializing for us can be stressful, like you're on eggshells always concerned about what other people are thinking.

Those people who seem to suddenly drop you, sometimes the problem really is with them, but complaining about it only seems bitter and pointless.
Instead the focus goes back on you, what you could have done differently, more of the same, which leads to the same neurosis over future friendships.
If I knew the answer I probably wouldn't be here. "Stop worrying" isn't much help... HOW do you stop worrying.

I hope we can both get better with this because it’s not any fun at all. :/

There might be a small element of maybe anticipating something going wrong between you and someone you've become friendly with. Maybe this is a bad comparison but its like if you've ever been cheated on by a partner then sometimes you can carry some of that into a future relationship, in terms of maybe worrying it might happen again and maybe even seeing something in certain things that isn't actually there at all, which in turn would change your behaviour in that relationship, negatively.
Thinking something will go wrong and analysing things you think you see can't be a good basis to start from in any friendship.

Either way, I wish you well.

Well, I don’t start out thinking something will go wrong but the second I feel anything might be different that’s all I do. Over think until I make myself crazy over it. I know this isn’t something that I should do and it’s definitely not healthy. Not sure how to stop myself from doing it though. Thanks for the well wishes Scotsman.

I have just had to learn to cope... No one want's to have any to do with me, so why would I want them in my life. I accept that, and try to replace that empty feeling with things to concentrate on... ALLOT of hobbies !!

I am always trying to improve myself, so that will be a NEVER ending goal. And one way I do that, is open my eyes to what others are going through that make my problems seem so small and unimportant.
And that makes it manageable for the mean time, but I don't know if I can face another 7 years in isolation. But today I will survive, and I guess that has to be good enough.

Thanks Alienated. I should focus more on myself. I really hope you don’t have to face another 7 years in isolation

Hey niave, I think I can relate some to you there about how you're always feeling like you're not good enough. I feel it too and don't know what to do to overcome that.. it keeps coming to my head whenever I talk to someone or participate in conversations.

I never knew how to be happy alone.. I've always preferred to be alone though.. and well, I guess do things that make you happy on your own. It can be anything really, volunteer work, crafts, anything really. And not expect anything out of people.. though this is not easy especially if you do yearn for people and communication.

I'm not sure what would be a good thing to say right now, but I hope you know that not everyone can be happy all the time, each person has their down days and it's all right to be the way you are. I have issues with being shy myself, that usually bugs me but then, that's when I try to find distractions.. even if they don't really last that long. And then I just wallow. :\

You know I'm here if you wanna talk. Really hope you'll feel better soon though. *hugs*

Thanks Lady, I really don’t know what I was trying to do exactly. I mean I’ll probably talk to you later.

Hi Niave,
Sorry you are in such a tough spot right now. I wanted to comment on you saying you don't know what your doing on this forum. People are here on ALL for many different reasons. Some are here out of desperation, some just to pass the time, others simply to help, and everything in-between. We all work differently and have different personalities, different skill sets, and different ways of handling various issues in our lives. Comparing yourself to how others use and interact here is likely to be self defeating. You can learn from how others interact, but you have to interact in what ways work for you.

You say you don't know how to be silly and have fun, thats ok. I think you would find some of the people who seem to be having so much fun are simply coping the only way they know how. Some of us in person would be so shy that we would never be able to interact the way we do here out in person. I would be willing to bet there are many unknown members out there, affectionally called lurkers, who are not at a point where they even feel comfortable enough to register, and other lurkers that just observing is enough for them.

Please don't feel like an idiot, not wanting to be alone, and at the same time wanting to find a way to be happy alone, is not only common but it many ways healthy. I think it is important to find a balance, they seem like contradictory desires, but you don't have to be alone all the time in order to find ways to be happy alone.

I hope you can find some answers and more importantly some solutions to your struggles.

Thanks for taking the time to write that. I found it helpful. I wasn't really thinking about that part that way. I guess it is a self defeating way to think. I look at others mostly just having fun and kind of wish I could be like that but I don't know how to be like that with strangers and that's okay for me.

I hope you have a nice day Garbageman