How do you cope with being alone?

[Mr Seal The Albatros]

i thought i was gonna spent my weekend home alone, but i was invited out tonight (leaving in 1h).
So this is my next step!
im going out with an old friend, on his university's party, gonna meet new people and hopefully make some friends. I know that the shy and awkward side of me will ruin it, but I gotta try, right?
he said we should wingman each other like 3 years ago when we used to be great buds, but I doubt I'll be able to flirt or anything, so i'll stick to casual chatting etc

please wish me good luck!

Cheering for you on this side. I hope all goes well.

 

[sothatwasmylife]

Good luck man !

 

[Case]

Hope it went well.

 

[will89]

I play video games mostly and watch football. I use to be big into sports. a few years back I use to play football every weekend. Since Uni, i joined some martial art clubs. I practiced kendo to a decent level for a few years and was getting good at it, participating in regional tournaments until an illness halted my progress and Ive been more and more reluctant to go back, also not helped by the fact I'm an extreme introvert.

In the end I tell myself, you can either get depressed about being lonely, or you can just put it aside and try to do things that help you take your mind off it. Seems to help a bit.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Good luck, you.

 

[Erevetot]

well, it went as expected. Met people, felt like everyone hated me and talked to me just because they had to, got slightly drunk, came home.

Not giving up yet, but i started losing hope :/

 

[Mr Seal The Albatros]

Hmm... not trying to judge how you thought, but just wondering, what were the signs that told you they were only talking to you because they had to?

 

[Erevetot]

Hmm... not trying to judge how you thought, but just wondering, what were the signs that told you they were only talking to you because they had to?

because they just asked my name just to be polite and then left. Their facial and body expressions, the fact that I may ask a question and they reply with 1-2 words just to be done with it. I get it that "oh it could be his way of talking" but i dont think that 10 people are like that, or im really unlucky! Tried to start discussions with them about stuff going on, even my friend included me in some discussions with them as he knows them better and wanted to help me, but they almost completely ignored me. Im awkward, i know, but i wasnt last night, I was talking etc

 

[TheRealCallie]

Hmm... not trying to judge how you thought, but just wondering, what were the signs that told you they were only talking to you because they had to?

because they just asked my name just to be polite and then left. Their facial and body expressions, the fact that I may ask a question and they reply with 1-2 words just to be done with it. I get it that "oh it could be his way of talking" but i dont think that 10 people are like that, or im really unlucky! Tried to start discussions with them about stuff going on, even my friend included me in some discussions with them as he knows them better and wanted to help me, but they almost completely ignored me. Im awkward, i know, but i wasnt last night, I was talking etc

But how was YOUR body language and mannerisms? They could have picked up on something that you may not be aware of.

"They just asked my name just to be polite and then left."
This is an assumption that you can really say, because you don't know why they asked you. Things like this can be your downfall. By doing this, you are setting yourself up for failure because you will feel rejected and almost give up (whether you realize it or not). You can't know what another person is thinking or why they do something.

 

[Erevetot]

I think I was fine on my part. At first i had my hands in my pockets, i was in my own small private "bubble", but my friend told me i look scared and scary at the same time, so i stopped i focused on always carrying a beer around, even if the bottle was empty so i dont automatically put my hands in my pockers, and i used the other for smoking, handshakes, small gestures etc. Nothing out of the ordinary I believe, i asked my friend if i was dressed weird or did/said anything bad, he said i was doing great. He now knows what im going through, so he's trying to help me, i doubt he'd lie to me, he'd always been brutally honest with me.


Like when they asked me for my name etc, i replied with a small smile, and asked how they're doing with their classes etc, I had made a small "conversation plan" in my mind, talk about their classes/university, then about the party we were at and eventually about common interests! I didnt try anything extreme, i was not too eager to talk or anything
Im polite, i never interrupt, or ignore, I'm not rude, not to people I dont know and not in an offending way. I swear, but on the levels that everyone does

TBH, i think it's my fault. A friend told me that she believes in "vibes". If im negative, the others recieve a negative vibe from me so they get negative opinions etc. At the moment, it seems absolutely logical

I'll keep trying to make friends, to get that negativity off and allow people in my "bubble", see if that helps with my loneliness.

 

[Erevetot]

An update to this, not so much to share but to keep it somewhere to remind myself how I made some progress, and hopefully others in my situation see it. I thought I was done for, I was about to give up, but I held on the small bit of hope left in me and went "full out".


For today(in my timezone, it's 1 AM now), I put my past where it belongs, behind. Not forever, temporarily, but I tried hard and it worked. Instead of letting all the things that hurt me to haunt me and make me insecure like always, I said to myself that I need to be strong to move forward. And I did. I said it so many times that I started to believe it for a bit. Then I laughed at me talking to my mirror !

Last night I was feeling like ****, but I woke up and promised to myself to change it and do something positive for once

I realized that staying home makes it worse, I thought that I'd feel better in the "protective bubble of my room" but I realized that it was remind me a lot of bad stuff, so I went out, started catching up with old hobbies, working out, writing music and trying new things!At first, I was thinking how I let myself go and people will make fun of me, how I'll be the odd one everywhere, how, my friends will get bored of me feeling down instead of being cheerfull and all that stuff. But I did it.

First I went to the gym alone, had a nice chat with the trainers, same guys I've been training with for about 6 years now. While lifting, they noticed my cut marks, and as soon as I saw them looking I was about to freak out, thinking they'll think I'm weird, or avoid me etc. But one actually hugged me and told me "you're an *****, hurt your body only by working out!". He had lost his wife to cancer a long time ago, and working out kept him going, so we worked out together, and he actually motivated me, telling me how he had been really low in his life and working out kept his body and mind busy, and he pulled through, he kept me going and he literally made me forget my issues for a full morning.

Now, I went back on old hobbies . Contacted my friends if they want to put our old band together, we actually had chances to go somewhere with it, but I failed us. So we got back together and had fun jamming. I wrote a song that I really enjoy, so when it's ready I'll post it here for feedback etc

And to top it all, late evening, a friend told me to meet him at a new bar after classes, and I actually went, even if my mind was saying no. We met, got some beer and played billiard/pool. We chatted about stuff, and for the first time in 3 years I actually felt ok, I was able to enjoy the moment instead of having my mind full of stuff and hate it all. Also, the cute waitress smiled at me, gave me a free drink and told me "hope to see you again soon" I know that it's normal flirting for normal people, but after being alone for a long *** time and having a really bad ending to my last relationship 3 weeks ago and no confidence, it actually made me really happy

tl;dr, I said a big FU to my insecurities and fears and did stuff they kept me from doing all this time.
as I said, im weak. I didnt believe in myself, i still dont. but i made me think i do. I realized that I got nothing to lose, and I tried all these things i was afraid to do due to my fears and insecurities. While, it led to only 1 positive day so far, it's a "bright day in 3-4 dark years", I'd take any ****** days just to be able to have that fun one every once in a while.

I dont want any "gratz Nick/Erevetot", I want to see more people from here trying being happy. I thought it was so hard to make the next step, but it wasnt. I know i wont be good forever, hell, tomorrow I may breakdown again, my random emotion attacks always ruin it for me, but Im trying. And i really recommend it to everyone. Now, I probably jinxed it and everything will go to hell again

 

[Mr Seal The Albatros]

He said no 'gratz. Must... resist... congratulating... okay.

Well, thanks for posting this. Gives me a few ideas to make my situation better.
I've found your story kind of inspiring actually.

... I can still feel happy for you, right? *hugs*

 

[Erevetot]

He said no 'gratz. Must... resist... congratulating... okay.

Well, thanks for posting this. Gives me a few ideas to make my situation better.
I've found your story kind of inspiring actually.

... I can still feel happy for you, right? *hugs*

haha I keep saying that I'm not strong, I'm not, but I lied to myself and made me believe I am. And I'm seeing so many people in these forums being way stronger than me, and I really hope they'll try something, force themselves to do something, no matter how negative they feel about it

 

[Peaches]

we are trying, we are trying fingers crossed for you Erevetot

 

[Erevetot]

so, the feeling of loneliness comes again.
im not alone, im chatting with people, but im lonely.. i feel empty, like i cant connect with anyone.

im partially affected by my ex that i still got feelings for as she's been contacting me the last 2 days, how she misses me etc and makes me remember all the great feelings she gave me. then i remember all the hurting, and i lock her out.

she's not the issue though,im not hurting because we're over,im done with that. i feel bad because i got "noone to love me and noone to love", noone to make me feel like she did.
i got some people i can call friends, but it doesnt make it different

This week i tried hard to fix me, i did it for a while, then i down again.

im at the point that i fell im emotionally broken, and that im sabotaging myself, as soon as things are about to go OK, i'll feel sad, lonely, bad...

 

[shadetree]

so, the feeling of loneliness comes again.
im not alone, im chatting with people, but im lonely.. i feel empty, like i cant connect with anyone.

im partially affected by my ex that i still got feelings for as she's been contacting me the last 2 days, how she misses me etc and makes me remember all the great feelings she gave me. then i remember all the hurting, and i lock her out.

she's not the issue though,im not hurting because we're over,im done with that. i feel bad because i got "noone to love me and noone to love", noone to make me feel like she did.
i got some people i can call friends, but it doesnt make it different

This week i tried hard to fix me, i did it for a while, then i down again.

im at the point that i fell im emotionally broken, and that im sabotaging myself, as soon as things are about to go OK, i'll feel sad, lonely, bad...

I read something somewhere once that said you cant have setbacks unless youre making progress. I havent read this whole thread but i read this last part where you said you went out and had a good day. Just focus on that and realize youre still in control, its going to get bad but then those good times like you said make it all worth it. Dont give up, sometimes emotions lie to us and make us feel like everythings hopeless. The only time its hopeless is when we throw away our hope. Otherwise theres always a chance for positive changes.

 

[Erevetot]

I read something somewhere once that said you cant have setbacks unless youre making progress. I havent read this whole thread but i read this last part where you said you went out and had a good day. Just focus on that and realize youre still in control, its going to get bad but then those good times like you said make it all worth it. Dont give up, sometimes emotions lie to us and make us feel like everythings hopeless. The only time its hopeless is when we throw away our hope. Otherwise theres always a chance for positive changes.

thats how i've been going so far. before "her" i was fully alone for 2 years. I got used to it, i had gave up all hope and just "stayed alive", but at some point i couldnt take it. and i was gonna end my life. then me and her happened blah blah blah. itll sound selfish maybe, but I dont miss her, I miss the blank spot she left. she gave me something i didnt have, love and hope. it messed me up even worse than before,you know? from nothing, to perfect, to nothing again.

im not strong. but i lied to myself and acted like i was, and actually felt nice. i still am, otherwise i'd be doing stupid things. im being strong, no idea how, and that's what scares me, that i'd normaly be sad and freakout, but im somehow staying calm.

Im still lonely and while i made some friends, that doesnt seem to be fixing it.
i got trust issues as well, so its really hard to let someone in my life, it feels like I locked everyone out and not on purpose

I know that by staying strong some more everything will go and things will be better, or at least I hope it. but as i said,it feels like im scared to be happy. everytime something good happens/is about to happen, I'll find away to **** it up.

 

[Sophie99]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time.

I can really relate to what you said at the top of this thread. For a very long time, I was mostly OK with being alone. Then suddenly, I wasn't. It all crashed in on me and the emptiness was devastating. Then I managed to crawl out of the muck and make a couple of friends. But the last few months have been devastating again. Job loss and a series of health problems...now both of my friends have turned against me and I still cannot figure out why, aside from the realization that they were never truly my friends to begin with. And all my crying is making my health problems even worse. So I'm back at the bottom of the barrel and the holidays make it all so much more painful

I don't have a good answer for your question except to take it one day at a time and not give up. Try to focus on the positives, no matter how tiny they may be. That's what I am trying to do. Pets help a lot, too.

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[SadCassie]

I personally do not cope very well.I was abandoned at a very early age, and although my parents are in the periphery of my life, neither really care about me, my own father due to his own misconduct…out of guilt hasn't spoken to me in years. The phone never rings, there's no one ever at my door. I know that I am completely alone. The one person I consider a "friend"just abuses me emotionally and uses me. I stick with it, because he's the only friend I have.

 

[Danny1987]

Being alone is OK. i like my alone time.
Being lonely, however - I am having a very difficult time

You are so right...