Silence Is Deafening
Well-known member
- Joined
- Sep 29, 2017
- Messages
- 58
- Reaction score
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Hi all.
Doing this on phone as no internet and already accidentally backed out half way through writing so annoyed much. On that basis, excuse typos. I may esit in Jul 2097 when I do have internet.
Used this site briefly three years ago. But then decided back then that part of my problems could be contributed to sitting in front of a screen too much. To round up, joined some things, did some stuff, hilarity ensued, and many friends were made on the way. For people worried about loneliness, do it, but I know not everyone can for their own reasons.
Well, I guess I am here tonight to simply externalise some things. If people would like to lend their voice to the matter that's absolutely fine, and I'd be interested to hear.
Its not an end of the world problem. Just feel like i've some issues that haven't been addressed and I should have that I think has cost me.
I'll start where those closest to my heart came into it.
About only a year ago I signed up to partake in a dragonboating club. Dragonboating, by the way, for those who really feel isolated - before lockdown, and fear they still will after lockdown, is amazing. I'll maybe make another post about things I did to stop feeling lonely because they worked for me. There's no magical formula, and its nothing original. Anyway, back to this... Essentially, though, ALL of us really bonded. None of us knew each other previously bar two who were in a long term relationship, but us three guys and three girls just clicked. From day one. I know another member of this group, the Usual Suspects, also feels as I do, that we'll never find a more close-knit group of athletic-drunkards ever. We did everything together.
I feel of late though, a little pushed out. I know three of them have consistantly told me that if I ever need anyone to talk to, call them. Now, I know lockdown has been a mproblem for everyone, but I live alone, thrive on others, and currently about to enter my fourth week without internet. So, i'm not even getting in on their nifty pub quizzes which frustrated me sobmuch that I had to leave the group. I've felt lonely, as so many of us do right now, but I've tried to contact them over phone to do stuff. They're always busy. I know one plays games A LOT, and currently works once a week - couldn't find the time. I know one has had the entire week off: couldn't find the time. I know one may be coming over next week to help me tidy (my house delapidates on par with my state of mind. One has had to relocate, bless him; and the other is massively busy prepping for a new job. Good on him.
After a few remarks abiut my spamming our group chats, I used it far less. And the other day they have a party. Now, they said they didn't invite me as they knew I had my child. But my kid hates it here without internet, and we'd both gladly have sent him home. Isn't it right just to ask? Its not like ditching a chat about pub quizzes which you can never attend. If we had ever partied, however spontaneous it was, I ALWAYS invited those who weren't there. But what really hit me, was that it wasn't arranged in our normal group chat. So, I assumed they have another chat that I'm not part of and that's were it hurt me. So, I gave up asking them to bob over for drinks. I'd invited them on walks. None interested. Another mentions it - instant go ahead. Then, at one of their leaving dos, me, someone who never knocks over a drink, knocks over two. First occasion, it was left behind my foot while I was smoking out a window, and the second it was left on the floor behind basically a beanbag. Sounds petty, i know, but in both instances i got blamed and i know thats because they are more comfortable having a go at me than anyone else. If i werent there and it was knocked still, no rants, though thats clear speculation on my part.
So, before I sound like a hopless moaner, or the other extreme where I paint a poor picture of them, let me tell you a bit about me, because as I say, this is more about me just externalising stuff to humans than a cry for help...
So, in case this sounds like diary of a 13 year old going through rejection, I'm 36 years old and a bit of a memorable character for all the wrong reasons. For starters, I BELIEVE I have ADHD which was never diagnosed. Go to a doctor! Why? I'm 36 and pretty sure meds won't turn the clock back and fix jobs I've quit due to frustration, or changed how much I ****** up at school despite trying my best because so much was going on inside my head. Apart from Electronics which i was fascinated with but was completely taken off the course as an example to the other students who kept disrupting his lessons. Again, I feel, I tend to be the easy target when it comes to getting gutsy with someone. I've rubbish eyesight but got glasses, really deaf so I tend to be that bugger whose shouting over everyone and constantly asking for the music to be turned up. I've been sexually abused as a young 14 or thereabouts, whilst absolutely smashed in a car with two dudes who'd picked me out of the gutter after I was sat in the gutter after puking in the city center, blindly yelling for a taxi. Who knew stricter ID laws were good for something back then? I'm hooked on cigs, drimk often - socially, as we all the Usuals do, and partial to dope but its occasionally do acid. Like, in last 2 years, ive done it 5 times, which ain't much. Only taken it once before then when I was about 22. What's really ****** me over though, is how I am the most self-aware creature I'm the world. I can be very opinionated and have mad rants at right-wing donuts on Facebook, I repost every truth I see which I believe just deensitises to those not comcerned with politics, and then as I'm also a bit of a realist, I get chewed up by leftiesĺ, too.
But its the self awareness that gets me, as I say. We'd be sat around a table, they'd have normal conversations about car insurance or a woman at work, and I'd not want to interupt, but I'd zone out, let them get drunk, and then when they start to get drunk they'd be on my wave length. Sometimes I've had to get drunk before I even turn up just to skip this boring me phase. Usuals or not, sometimes if I'm with people, I'm often struggling for conversation. Ive wrote five fantasy novels. Currently trying to publish two of them. I'm passionate about these and can talk all day about them but I'm not totally mad, and aI know its off the conversation menu. I have a ten year old I see on weekenda. I find it so hard to talk about him. I turn into a joke. All the time. When I'm asked about his wellbeing I usually reply with some anti-paternal comment, like, 'dunno - sold him, didn't I.' It really eats me up because I'm a ridiculously serious person, and yet I struggle so hard to be anything but in front of friends. My best friends no less. I get so aggitated with everything that when we do all meet up, I'm like a pup whose just running off wildly having been let off the lead. Get asked a serious question. Daft remarks. Rediculously bad puns. Failure to connect and can't say they didn't try there. In fact, I was massively blown away once when one of them told me I need to take the word less serious. Not sure if she saw right through me, and saw all this going on or just got tired of my general election Facebook posts. I honestly can't help myself sometimes. And now, stuck in lockdown, as are so many, I just feel lost. One of them has been amazing, it must be said, and I'm so grateful to him, and suspects its reciprocated, but he gets on just fine with others. He messages in that group and they're on it.
I genuinly think its my fault. I think theyre all adults with great ambition, solid jobs, a lot going for thselves and I'm a 36 year old with the mindset of a 10 year old who just so happens to be father of a ten year old, in a place I can't afford. I can't drive. Nearly killed me and my instructor on lesson one (and only) and cant ride a bike. Again, too many car relates crashes when i was about 8. I have no job (lost it on day one of lockdown) and I can't connect to these people I love.
I'm struggling to get them to know me. I think that ships left. I'm useless being serious in a group, and they think I'm as immature as **** (true, I guess...) Think bar one, all would rather fake their own death than spend time with me for a good ol cheer up. But thats worse because they're good people, so how much of a tosser am I? More recently, I was asking who wants to go on tbis walk. Nothing. I go. Stand at the top. Send a vid. Oooh thats great. We should go....... I'm ******* there and they've been invited loads.
Ah balls...
Well, so scratty is my brain that I figured i'd arrive at good solution, and just glancing back on my phone now, feel like i'm just pining for their attention. They probably saw it before I did... And I said I'd start with the best of them and I did. There've been many others but none I cared about more.
Feel like they're all one big ex-girlfriend you just want to ditch because its gone bad and can only get worse so you so you got no bad memories. Just good times.
With good eggs.
Doing this on phone as no internet and already accidentally backed out half way through writing so annoyed much. On that basis, excuse typos. I may esit in Jul 2097 when I do have internet.
Used this site briefly three years ago. But then decided back then that part of my problems could be contributed to sitting in front of a screen too much. To round up, joined some things, did some stuff, hilarity ensued, and many friends were made on the way. For people worried about loneliness, do it, but I know not everyone can for their own reasons.
Well, I guess I am here tonight to simply externalise some things. If people would like to lend their voice to the matter that's absolutely fine, and I'd be interested to hear.
Its not an end of the world problem. Just feel like i've some issues that haven't been addressed and I should have that I think has cost me.
I'll start where those closest to my heart came into it.
About only a year ago I signed up to partake in a dragonboating club. Dragonboating, by the way, for those who really feel isolated - before lockdown, and fear they still will after lockdown, is amazing. I'll maybe make another post about things I did to stop feeling lonely because they worked for me. There's no magical formula, and its nothing original. Anyway, back to this... Essentially, though, ALL of us really bonded. None of us knew each other previously bar two who were in a long term relationship, but us three guys and three girls just clicked. From day one. I know another member of this group, the Usual Suspects, also feels as I do, that we'll never find a more close-knit group of athletic-drunkards ever. We did everything together.
I feel of late though, a little pushed out. I know three of them have consistantly told me that if I ever need anyone to talk to, call them. Now, I know lockdown has been a mproblem for everyone, but I live alone, thrive on others, and currently about to enter my fourth week without internet. So, i'm not even getting in on their nifty pub quizzes which frustrated me sobmuch that I had to leave the group. I've felt lonely, as so many of us do right now, but I've tried to contact them over phone to do stuff. They're always busy. I know one plays games A LOT, and currently works once a week - couldn't find the time. I know one has had the entire week off: couldn't find the time. I know one may be coming over next week to help me tidy (my house delapidates on par with my state of mind. One has had to relocate, bless him; and the other is massively busy prepping for a new job. Good on him.
After a few remarks abiut my spamming our group chats, I used it far less. And the other day they have a party. Now, they said they didn't invite me as they knew I had my child. But my kid hates it here without internet, and we'd both gladly have sent him home. Isn't it right just to ask? Its not like ditching a chat about pub quizzes which you can never attend. If we had ever partied, however spontaneous it was, I ALWAYS invited those who weren't there. But what really hit me, was that it wasn't arranged in our normal group chat. So, I assumed they have another chat that I'm not part of and that's were it hurt me. So, I gave up asking them to bob over for drinks. I'd invited them on walks. None interested. Another mentions it - instant go ahead. Then, at one of their leaving dos, me, someone who never knocks over a drink, knocks over two. First occasion, it was left behind my foot while I was smoking out a window, and the second it was left on the floor behind basically a beanbag. Sounds petty, i know, but in both instances i got blamed and i know thats because they are more comfortable having a go at me than anyone else. If i werent there and it was knocked still, no rants, though thats clear speculation on my part.
So, before I sound like a hopless moaner, or the other extreme where I paint a poor picture of them, let me tell you a bit about me, because as I say, this is more about me just externalising stuff to humans than a cry for help...
So, in case this sounds like diary of a 13 year old going through rejection, I'm 36 years old and a bit of a memorable character for all the wrong reasons. For starters, I BELIEVE I have ADHD which was never diagnosed. Go to a doctor! Why? I'm 36 and pretty sure meds won't turn the clock back and fix jobs I've quit due to frustration, or changed how much I ****** up at school despite trying my best because so much was going on inside my head. Apart from Electronics which i was fascinated with but was completely taken off the course as an example to the other students who kept disrupting his lessons. Again, I feel, I tend to be the easy target when it comes to getting gutsy with someone. I've rubbish eyesight but got glasses, really deaf so I tend to be that bugger whose shouting over everyone and constantly asking for the music to be turned up. I've been sexually abused as a young 14 or thereabouts, whilst absolutely smashed in a car with two dudes who'd picked me out of the gutter after I was sat in the gutter after puking in the city center, blindly yelling for a taxi. Who knew stricter ID laws were good for something back then? I'm hooked on cigs, drimk often - socially, as we all the Usuals do, and partial to dope but its occasionally do acid. Like, in last 2 years, ive done it 5 times, which ain't much. Only taken it once before then when I was about 22. What's really ****** me over though, is how I am the most self-aware creature I'm the world. I can be very opinionated and have mad rants at right-wing donuts on Facebook, I repost every truth I see which I believe just deensitises to those not comcerned with politics, and then as I'm also a bit of a realist, I get chewed up by leftiesĺ, too.
But its the self awareness that gets me, as I say. We'd be sat around a table, they'd have normal conversations about car insurance or a woman at work, and I'd not want to interupt, but I'd zone out, let them get drunk, and then when they start to get drunk they'd be on my wave length. Sometimes I've had to get drunk before I even turn up just to skip this boring me phase. Usuals or not, sometimes if I'm with people, I'm often struggling for conversation. Ive wrote five fantasy novels. Currently trying to publish two of them. I'm passionate about these and can talk all day about them but I'm not totally mad, and aI know its off the conversation menu. I have a ten year old I see on weekenda. I find it so hard to talk about him. I turn into a joke. All the time. When I'm asked about his wellbeing I usually reply with some anti-paternal comment, like, 'dunno - sold him, didn't I.' It really eats me up because I'm a ridiculously serious person, and yet I struggle so hard to be anything but in front of friends. My best friends no less. I get so aggitated with everything that when we do all meet up, I'm like a pup whose just running off wildly having been let off the lead. Get asked a serious question. Daft remarks. Rediculously bad puns. Failure to connect and can't say they didn't try there. In fact, I was massively blown away once when one of them told me I need to take the word less serious. Not sure if she saw right through me, and saw all this going on or just got tired of my general election Facebook posts. I honestly can't help myself sometimes. And now, stuck in lockdown, as are so many, I just feel lost. One of them has been amazing, it must be said, and I'm so grateful to him, and suspects its reciprocated, but he gets on just fine with others. He messages in that group and they're on it.
I genuinly think its my fault. I think theyre all adults with great ambition, solid jobs, a lot going for thselves and I'm a 36 year old with the mindset of a 10 year old who just so happens to be father of a ten year old, in a place I can't afford. I can't drive. Nearly killed me and my instructor on lesson one (and only) and cant ride a bike. Again, too many car relates crashes when i was about 8. I have no job (lost it on day one of lockdown) and I can't connect to these people I love.
I'm struggling to get them to know me. I think that ships left. I'm useless being serious in a group, and they think I'm as immature as **** (true, I guess...) Think bar one, all would rather fake their own death than spend time with me for a good ol cheer up. But thats worse because they're good people, so how much of a tosser am I? More recently, I was asking who wants to go on tbis walk. Nothing. I go. Stand at the top. Send a vid. Oooh thats great. We should go....... I'm ******* there and they've been invited loads.
Ah balls...
Well, so scratty is my brain that I figured i'd arrive at good solution, and just glancing back on my phone now, feel like i'm just pining for their attention. They probably saw it before I did... And I said I'd start with the best of them and I did. There've been many others but none I cared about more.
Feel like they're all one big ex-girlfriend you just want to ditch because its gone bad and can only get worse so you so you got no bad memories. Just good times.
With good eggs.
