I am an oddball, but what's this thing about 'cheating?'

[tedgresham]

I hear that word so often I want to rip it from the dictionary. "don't cheat. I hate a cheater. Cheating is cruel. Cheating is sinful." And people make nasty judgments if someone "cheats." I think the whole idea is stupid. To ask someone not to make friends, even close friends, with someone else other than a spouse is selfish. I get judged and convicted and hung out to dry simply because I seek the friendship of "another woman." I have had other women friends in the past, some very close, and a couple who have met my wife. I have one that I've known for decades who has come over and spent time with my family.

I would not care if my wife went to some guys house and spent a couple days. If it makes her happy, go for it. Caring for one person does not stop you from caring for someone else. Just because I love my wife does not mean I can't like, or even love, someone else.

In religious circles it's taught that "to even think about committing adultery is a sin." Almost every man and maybe a lot of women would go to hell for that. I've been in men's groups where guys really suffered with their natural desire to look. Everything we are as human beings is trashed by religious ********. That's where the "cheating" idea comes from.

We were never meant for monogamy. We were never meant to be tied to one person for our whole life and never have even a casual friend of the opposite sex. I refuse to comply with religious and stupid rules. Spouses that are jealous are being completely possessive, as if they 'own' their husband or wife. Nobody owns me.

It seems I'm on a roll today. Sometimes the frustration gets to me. Call me a cheater all you want. Go ahead and swallow the idiotic rules and suffer. I want more out of life than that.

 

[mizera]

From what it sounds like, you are in a kind of marriage where your wife probably wouldn't really care if you went out and met someone else. It happens in other cultures, like France, where it's not uncommon for the man to have a mistress. Certainly if I were in your position, I wouldn't hesitate to look for gratification elsewhere.

 

[Sunless Sky]

There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. Cheating occurs when you either have, and act upon, romantic feelings for another woman (emotional cheating) or have sex with another woman (physical cheating) or both.

You should be able to have or even love, platonicaly that is, another person, male or female. That's fine in a healthy relationship.

There is also nothing wrong with "looking" or being sexually attracted to another person. You are human after all but, again, acting on these impulses is where the line is drawn. Btw, cheating isn't, necessarily, a relegious thing. It's mostly societal.

 

[user 188685]

I have never been married before,but it's ok to have friends.

 

[ringwood]

There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. Cheating occurs when you either have, and act upon, romantic feelings for another woman (emotional cheating) or have sex with another woman (physical cheating) or both.

You should be able to have or even love, platonicaly that is, another person, male or female. That's fine in a healthy relationship.

There is also nothing wrong with "looking" or being sexually attracted to another person. You are human after all but, again, acting on these impulses is where the line is drawn. Btw, cheating isn't, necessarily, a relegious thing. It's mostly societal.

This sums it up perfectly.

I would not care if my wife went to some guys house and spent a couple days.

OK. So let's ask this question: If your wife went to some guy's house for a couple of days and they ****(ed) each other silly during that time, would that bother you? If the answer is no, then I'd suggest that you explore polyamory and open relationships because clearly marriage isn't for you. But even in open relationships, there's still 'rules'.

 

[tedgresham]

This sums it up perfectly.


OK. So let's ask this question: If your wife went to some guy's house for a couple of days and they ****(ed) each other silly during that time, would that bother you? If the answer is no, then I'd suggest that you explore polyamory and open relationships because clearly marriage isn't for you. But even in open relationships, there's still 'rules'.

I would be shocked that she did that, knowing her, but no, it would not bother me. And I would explore polyamory if my wife would but she's not even affectionate with me and never looks at another guy. I've asked her and even suggested it. No go.

Rules are made to be broken. I do not live by rules someone else sets.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Why do so many people think we are not meant to be monogamous? Lots of animals are and they don't have the society ******** we have, so how exactly do we know what is meant to be and what isn't?

Having friends of the opposite sex is perfectly okay, but cheating is not. If you made a commitment to honor your spouse and you don't have an "open" relationship, it's wrong....end of story. If you want to **** someone else, get out of the relationship you are in. No one deserves that pain.

 

[Cherubino]

I think it's fair to expose to her your intention to go for sex from another women if she doesn't provide a decent explanation or search for professional help on this issue ... this way she can take notice things are really serious while you can take notice if she gives a damn about being cheated on or breaking up with you

 

[TheRealCallie]

I think it's fair to expose to her your intention to go for sex from another women if she doesn't provide a decent explanation or search for professional help on this issue ... this way she can take notice things are really serious while you can take notice if she gives a damn about being cheated on or breaking up with you

So "hey, wife, **** me or I'm ******* someone else"?

If you aren't happy and don't see yourself being happy and have no intention of trying counseling, just get divorced and then you can have sex with whoever you want.

 

[Cherubino]

you over simplified but as I see the situation it's about avoidance on both sides ... one side has to put the foot down and it seems he is the active one on this issue ... gender doesn't matter

 

[TheRealCallie]

you over simplified but as I see the situation it's about avoidance on both sides ... one side has to put the foot down and it seems he is the active one on this issue ... gender doesn't matter

I never said anything about gender, but you know, sometimes, when women go through menopause, it causes sex to be painful or uncomfortable.

It doesn't really matter what the issues are, if you aren't going to try to fix it, whether it's by talking one on one or going to counseling, then just get divorced. Ultimatums, which is what you suggested, only make things worse.

 

[tedgresham]

I think it's fair to expose to her your intention to go for sex from another women if she doesn't provide a decent explanation or search for professional help on this issue ... this way she can take notice things are really serious while you can take notice if she gives a damn about being cheated on or breaking up with you

I have not come out and said "I'm going to have sex with someone" but I've walked around it a long time and in a lot of ways, saying so much as I need a woman, going to get one, etc... All I get is a "Yeah, right." No anger or anything. I wish she would get angry, it would mean I meant something.

 

[tedgresham]

Why do so many people think we are not meant to be monogamous? Lots of animals are and they don't have the society ******** we have, so how exactly do we know what is meant to be and what isn't?

Having friends of the opposite sex is perfectly okay, but cheating is not. If you made a commitment to honor your spouse and you don't have an "open" relationship, it's wrong....end of story. If you want to **** someone else, get out of the relationship you are in. No one deserves that pain.

No one deserves the pain of being unwanted either. Whatever rules you want to live by is fine for you. Not me.

 

[Cherubino]

I never said anything about gender, but you know, sometimes, when women go through menopause, it causes sex to be painful or uncomfortable.

It doesn't really matter what the issues are, if you aren't going to try to fix it, whether it's by talking one on one or going to counseling, then just get divorced. Ultimatums, which is what you suggested, only make things worse.

well she seems even scornful on the situation ... and manopause is more than painful it's humiliating

 

[tedgresham]

well she seems even scornful on the situation ... and manopause is more than painful it's humiliating

My wife has not wanted to do anything since she went through menopause but I don't think it has anything to do with displeasure. There are ways around that and we've used them in the past. I think it's because she finally cannot and will never have a kid and I'm sterile so that's that. She should have gone after another guy when she could have one. I really told her to many times since I can't do it. She's an extreme introvert though. Very different than she was younger.

 

[TheRealCallie]

So get divorced and you can do whatever you want. There is NO justification for cheating.

 

[Cherubino]

if it's announced is not cheating

 

[TheRealCallie]

if it's announced is not cheating

If the other spouse doesn't want it to happen, it IS cheating. Announcing that you are going to **** someone else doesn't make it not cheating, it just makes you a cheater that is looking to hurt your spouse.

 

[Cherubino]

haha I already extorted a confession from you wifey ... you don't want sex but also you want exclusivity (so it's a start) ... and so on and so forth

 

[tedgresham]

If the other spouse doesn't want it to happen, it IS cheating. Announcing that you are going to **** someone else doesn't make it not cheating, it just makes you a cheater that is looking to hurt your spouse.

It sounds like you've been hurt, maybe. I found adhering to any strict rule is just a setup for screwing up or getting hurt worse than you would. Every situation is different. There should be no hard and fast rules. Yes, though, I understand you and no doubt you think I'm a louse for considering it but the alternative is worse, for me anyway. I only have a few years left from what I've been told. I do not want to spend them alone in a house all day, staring at the walls, being expected to keep house and wash clothes and etc., when there's not even a hug or lip kiss that I do not initiate. People get hurt. The thing to do is plow through whatever you have to to find joy and happiness for the short time we have here. If someone wants to judge me for doing that, whatever.