I finally freed myself by giving up on love.

[Lonely in BC]

I am recently freed

And I'm recently taken.

Don't give up friends. Yes, heartbreak sucks and pulls you in a terrible downward spiral, you become numb...then in a moment it can change. I've found something special and inspiring at 45, I'm glad I was open to it.

My life is changing again.......for the better

 

[putter65]

I am recently freed

And I'm recently taken.

Don't give up friends. Yes, heartbreak sucks and pulls you in a terrible downward spiral, you become numb...then in a moment it can change. I've found something special and inspiring at 45, I'm glad I was open to it.

My life is changing again.......for the better

I gave up trying when I was 31. Spent 12 years not even trying, didn't ask anybody out etc. The last 2 years I have been trying again. I had a girlfriend for 2 months, I suppose that was a positive. She turned out to be a turd but at least I could cope with the first date / getting to know you stuff. I am giving it a rest now, not for 12 years though !

 

[Montreal Skye]

I gave up trying when I was 31. Spent 12 years not even trying, didn't ask anybody out etc. The last 2 years I have been trying again. I had a girlfriend for 2 months, I suppose that was a positive. She turned out to be a turd but at least I could cope with the first date / getting to know you stuff. I am giving it a rest now, not for 12 years though !

Gosh, 12 turns into 18 rather quickly, before you even know it...I gave up too for a long time. Resigned to a life of solitude. Not because I felt I'd never be loved, but because I didn't think I could be lovable with all of my issues and problems. And I certainly didn't want to be with anyone like the person I was back then either, always negative, unhealthy and terribly ill with mental health issues. Having a rest now and then is a good idea, to center yourself and find yourself again when you feel frustrated by the whole idea of dating and finding someone. After your recent experience, you need a step back for sure!

I don't really know how to explain how I'm feeling today.
I'm sad but not the kind of sadness that I'm used to.
My face looks blank more than anything
I don't really know how to explain it but it's like there's a part of me that just feels neglected, empty.
Think I'll go to bed...just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling as I normally do.

Doesn't sound like you've freed yourself at all. Sounds like you've surrendered to feelings of despair in order to protect yourself from further disappointment and hurt. I did that years ago, became apathetic and thought that isolation from others was the key to my happiness. It took me too long to figure out I was wrong, and I feel like my youth has been taken from me. That's a huge regret considering I'm nearly halfway through life now. It's really good to vent here and write out your feelings, but don't give up entirely. Someone may come along when you least expect it and turn your life around. That just happened to me, and I thought I would be alone for another 18 years.

 

[putter65]

I gave up trying when I was 31. Spent 12 years not even trying, didn't ask anybody out etc. The last 2 years I have been trying again. I had a girlfriend for 2 months, I suppose that was a positive. She turned out to be a turd but at least I could cope with the first date / getting to know you stuff. I am giving it a rest now, not for 12 years though !

Gosh, 12 turns into 18 rather quickly, before you even know it...I gave up too for a long time. Resigned to a life of solitude. Not because I felt I'd never be loved, but because I didn't think I could be lovable with all of my issues and problems. And I certainly didn't want to be with anyone like the person I was back then either, always negative, unhealthy and terribly ill with mental health issues. Having a rest now and then is a good idea, to center yourself and find yourself again when you feel frustrated by the whole idea of dating and finding someone. After your recent experience, you need a step back for sure!

I don't really know how to explain how I'm feeling today.
I'm sad but not the kind of sadness that I'm used to.
My face looks blank more than anything
I don't really know how to explain it but it's like there's a part of me that just feels neglected, empty.
Think I'll go to bed...just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling as I normally do.

Doesn't sound like you've freed yourself at all. Sounds like you've surrendered to feelings of despair in order to protect yourself from further disappointment and hurt. I did that years ago, became apathetic and thought that isolation from others was the key to my happiness. It took me too long to figure out I was wrong, and I feel like my youth has been taken from me. That's a huge regret considering I'm nearly halfway through life now. It's really good to vent here and write out your feelings, but don't give up entirely. Someone may come along when you least expect it and turn your life around. That just happened to me, and I thought I would be alone for another 18 years.

thanks.

I think it's best to concentrate on other things, develop hobbies etc. Just plain enjoy myself. Of course women are always there. It's not like if some lovely lass asked me out I would turn her down. Not like that at all. Im not closing the possiblity down, just putting it back a bit, more into the background.

When I was 31 after all the rejections, I thought I was a monster and no woman would be interested. Now, after all this crap, Im thinking 'nothing wrong with me, it's them !'

 

[Trent]

i understand the thinking, but it's not necessary to give up on love.

it's just necessary to love yourself more than anything else.

a relationship works best when two people are self-confident and love/respect themselves to the core,

and then choose to share the company of the other.

what happens most times in reality though, is each person brings his or her bundle of insecurities/neediness to the table,

and expects the other person to put them on a pedastal and MAKE THEM HAPPY.

(by the way, that is impossible, you can't make someone happy, and never accept that responsiblity).

people are either happy or not on their own and of their own accord/choices.

so don't close out the notion of having a loving relationship,

just understand that your first obligation is to love/respect yourself, to make sure anyone in your life does as well, and THEN dole out the love.

romantic love is conditional. it is perhaps the MOST conditional love of all.

because it is completely voluntary.

it's not like the way we HAVE TO love our kids, our parents, our siblings, our mentors, etc.

romantic love is a choice. and is therefore, arguably, the most special love of all because we are not COMPELLED to love this person.

 

[MadMonkè]

that site.. someone posted about being socially successful...

good site. it clarifies the negative thinking. nothing is as it seems behind the veil of emotional frustration.

its easy to fall back into the comfort zone. but life is short.

 

[ridingtothesunset]

I've searched sites like this searching for people who feel like me... Maybe to connect? Searching for answers.. Searching for hope... Nah, it's the same **** -- no one cares about my feelings... At least not the person I would like to care... It ain't gonna happen... Again I've come to realize that after two decades of miserable hopes and heartbreaks -- I've become tired... There is no point of being my best, or even just being myself... Time to let go of the maintenance...

I can't change me and I shouldn't have to change -- but I am a failure... After so many tries there is only one conclusion... I'm 42 now, old and tired emotionally -- None were worth it -- they're not -- and they won't be worth a damn thing... It will all be the same in the end... This is the end... Everyday is the end...

Nowadays every time I think about it, taking pain killers sooths me almost as good as what that love I don't have feels... I don't need therapy, I don't need lectures, I don't need meditation, I don't need any more education, not a new job or career, not a hobby, and I sure as hell don't need religion -- I just need to feel good only one thing makes me feel good -- feeling desired -- feeling loved -- nothing else... Drugs are bad but get me close enough to that "good feeling" -- plus they don't run away from me or judge me how ugly I may be inside...

Who cares what happens in the end, (everyday is the end) the risk dying from of a drug over dose is just as painful as dying old and with a broken heart; being addicted to drugs is nothing new to me as I have been addicted to wanting love all these years... I've been strong for too long and now I am tired... Even if by miracle I met someone this week, I may be intoxicated with dope or looking to take another pill that evening -- YES! Now I have a reason for someone to run away from me. Now I know the cause of her despise -- Now there is a reason to be disgusted by me... HA HA STUPID *removed* -- I'll be doped up on our first date! Now the *removed* will have a reason to leave me -- No more "why? she left me"; no more post-date questions about the "why did she leave?"... Be strong? I've been ******* strong all my life... It doesn't matter if one is weak, reckless, or uncaring... Love comes to whoever it wants to not to who wants it...

Of course, strippers charge for one song of love, so I guess I can still smell the ***** while I am high -- kind of expensive, but about the same price of a date... It's all the same in the end of the day and every day is the end.. This feels like a chronic disease -- even if I "gave up" the shadow of bitterness eats me inside until I medicate myself to temporarily forget... People sympathize with cancer patients and diabetics, but what about us? No one seems to care about those of us who are missing our half in this lonely universe... They call us crazy or unstable, and treat it like something that carries little significance compared to the stock market crashing, wars, or cancer... This is just as serious and ****** painful... There is no cure, there is no hope, the only alternative -- an artificial high that not even extreme workouts at "Cross Fit" can produce... (I've physically trained to the max, I know what I am talking about...) It's not enough... Without love, I am empty -- and without it only opiate patches my wounded heart...

I have never done the things I did for a trophy, reward, or Hollywood - but I've tasted the fire, the ice, and the fist -- but being caressed and rewarded with a kiss (by who I thought would have been the right person) would have been nice... At least it should have lasted longer than it did... I should have been the special one for those few in their respective times.. It should be me... But I wasn't... I'm not meant to be... Maybe I thought I was a star when all along I was just a dead moon
or worse, an ordinary planet just taking up space... Being strong is just not good enough and I am tired... It's just not worth it... Feeling sorry for myself, accepting fear, and giving up hope have consumed my 42 year old life -- at least I should party what remains of it... Reading and writing on this page is getting me emotional time to take another dose...

It's okay to give up, it's normal to lose, it's the reality in some of our lives...

 

[user15010]

Hi ridingtothesunset

 

[ridingtothesunset]

the only "Hi" i feel is like " woUpwoDownwoUpwoDownAaaaahDrooolingStupidDrooling " -- while listening to "Midnight Promises" - by "The Marshall Tucker Band" -- a reminder to never again, never again, never again,

 

[TheSkaFish]

Looks like I just got "freed", myself - though not by choice. Well, that's it then. Every last girl that I actually wanted to be with is now taken, probably for good. There's just no one left I'd want to be with anymore. I couldn't enjoy it, knowing that if I'd only had the right stuff at the right time, I could have been with one of those girls I liked. They all talked to me and showed interest in some of the things I'd say. I really believe I could have done it. But now it's too late. I just couldn't truly enjoy anyone else, the whole time I'd be wishing I was with one of the ones I wanted instead. I couldn't be bothered to put any effort into a relationship with someone I don't care about. So it looks like it's the end of the ******* line. Hip hip hooray.

 

[Brookhavenguy]

Interesting.
For the longest time, all I wanted was to be the loved.
I craved so deeply to love another and to be loved back.
After countless failures in the dating scene and learning of the horrible, traumatic love-related experiences of others; I gave up on love.
The strange thing is...I don't feel a loss.
I feel liberated.

What is the point to long such a thing?
Love is one of those things that you could work hard for, but may never find. On the other hand, you may never work for it - but it'll present itself to you at many opportunities.
You simply win or lose at some things in life.

This realization has made me feel more free than I ever had.
I've started becoming more selfish...only considering what I want to do and not giving a damn about anyone but myself.
After all...the only person that's been good to me and will be good to me, is me.
I think we all need to engage in things that make us happy and not let unrealistic dreams of love hinder us.

Strangely, with this new attitude; I found that men have become more attracted to me. But for some reason, I just feel I'm at an unreachable distance now...far beyond anyone's grasps.
I'm in a world of my own...and for the first time, I'm thriving and I'm ******* loving it.

I look at men as if they're a dime a dozen...there is nothing amazing or of much reward in winning over one. Others that know of my attitude; they warn me that I will be alone.
However, what they either pretend to not realize is that most people are alone. We are all alone in the end. And when we die, we are nothing.
Realizing that has lifted a heavy burden off my shoulders.
I finally freed myself by giving up on love.

I am a guy but I gave up on women and felt the same way. Nothing against your gender but I could not compete. It was such a feeling of relief not to have to struggle anymore. By the way, you are not alone-you have friends and family.

 

[niceguysfinishlast]

Nothing against the ladies here, but i also gave up on trying to get a girlfriend. None of them cared how nice and funny i was, all most of them cared about was the fact that i'm lanky. 6 and a half years of rejections and friendzones were more than enough for me and F it and toss in the towel (hence my username).

 

[Jafo]

I don't even believe in "love".

 

[Raven22]

I believe in love. And know that I will find it. It takes time and patience. Everything comes to those who wait.

 

[SofiasMami]

I believe in love. And know that I will find it. It takes time and patience. Everything comes to those who wait.

I admire your optimism. I can't say I agree though. I don't believe everything I wait for will come to me. When I realized that a few years ago, I became unstuck and felt free, like the OP.
Waiting implies that things are on hold. On the day I give up the ghost, I don't want to my last thought to be "Why did I wait?"

-Teresa

 

[ladyforsaken]

I believe in love. And know that I will find it. It takes time and patience. Everything comes to those who wait.

I admire your optimism. I can't say I agree though. I don't believe everything I wait for will come to me. When I realized that a few years ago, I became unstuck and felt free, like the OP.
Waiting implies that things are on hold. On the day I give up the ghost, I don't want to my last thought to be "Why did I wait?"

-Teresa

I agree with Teresa here.

 

[there is no hope]

To be honest, I've never truly felt a desire for this "love", nor can I say I've ever felt it in any way shape or form, unrequited or not. Maybe someone felt that way towards me, but I would feel bad for them if they did.

I suppose it would be enough to just not be actively hated and shunned, and then to find someone that I like being around.

I did have sexual desires, but over time they twisted into something disgusting. They're still around, but I can't seriously see myself actually doing anything with a woman, and the whole matter just makes me feel miserable. I find I'm better when I don't think about such silly things. None of those involve "love" though. Honestly, if I had any emotion whatsoever it would be reserved for any offspring I have, rather than the woman herself - I'd figure if a woman is an adult, she can be reasonably independent and doesn't need me to complete her or anything like that. That stuff just doesn't compute.

 

[Raven22]

Maybe once you give up hope then perhaps the mindset is one of why did I wait. Each person is different. Sometimes waiting is the best option. If you give up hoping, or looking, then that seems like a defeatest attitude.
Why jump in and settle for someone you don't want rather than wait for the person you do want?

 

[there is no hope]

I don't see anything wrong with "settling", but that's because I'm used to deprivation (in more ways than just sexually). There are some things which can't be bent for me; even though it doesn't look like it, I have some measure of pride and don't want to have it crushed by ********, there is enough in the world that is crushing my pride and I sure don't need a woman at home twisting a knife too much. However, if a relationship is livable, why agonize over whether someone is 100% perfect? Life is too short and there are too many people to expect to find maximum compatibility.

Then again I don't see monogamy as particularly valuable - as long as it's me that would be having multiple partners. Most likely if the woman wants other men she doesn't need me. Hypocritical? Obviously.

Technically my position is that I would be open to meet women and see if there is any compatibility, but there are too many insurmountable barriers to actually accomplishing anything, so I have to ask myself what exactly I am chasing after?
I suppose this is a bad place to put out an ad for single ladies within a reasonable distance of me, but it's out there. *shrug*

 

[TheSkaFish]

Maybe once you give up hope then perhaps the mindset is one of why did I wait. Each person is different. Sometimes waiting is the best option. If you give up hoping, or looking, then that seems like a defeatest attitude.
Why jump in and settle for someone you don't want rather than wait for the person you do want?

I agree with you to an extent, but at the same time, sometimes a person just doesn't see a way for things to turn out well. That's where I am right now. All the girls I wish I could be with are taken, so all that's left is a choice between settling for someone I don't want, or continuing to be single indefinitely. I don't know what I'm going to do. I know I won't ever be truly happy settling, I'll always be thinking, I know I would have been happier if things had gone differently. I won't want to share anything special with the girl I settled for, because the whole interaction won't feel special to me but rather like going through the motions of life. But I don't know that I'll get a shot with the ones I like again either. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like my chance has come and gone and now all I can do is either settle and put on a fake smile, or just throw in the towel and give up. Now, I'm just taking a break. I'm trying to tell myself that I don't know the future and maybe if I become better somehow, things will get better for me in this area of life.

---

I don't see anything wrong with "settling", but that's because I'm used to deprivation

I am used to deprivation as well, especially in terms of a romantic relationship. But that's exactly why I don't want to settle. I don't want the deprivation to be the story of my life. I want to break that story, I want to put an end to it.