I have learnt something.

[Seeker]

You keep making the same mistakes because you're not learning from them. You say your anger problems are gone, yet you resort to bad mouthing this girl. Don't say you're not. It is like you have 100 hands for a total of 500 fingers, all pointing in some random direction, but none is pointing at you.

Society sucks. People have become this. This girl that.

No. You are part of society. You seem to have become the same kind of person that you dislike so much. But no, it's all societies fault. Really?

I dare you, i double dare you, to take 1 day to complete shut yourself from the outside world, and focus purely on yourself. Focus purely on what you can improve on yourself. You can only change others by changing others.

If it's really, and truly, your goal to just be with other people, then i suggest buying some books on social contact. But i guarantee you that you will find that doing that will not fulfill that which you miss. Only you can do that. It's time to wake up and see that.

You know Sai, I'm not even going to be defensive here like I would've done in the past. Ill hold my hand up and ADMIT I am indeed making the same mistakes and playing 'the blame game'.

I'm going tot take your advice and focus purely on myself. Shuttng myself of from others and doing this is the only viable option I have. Thank you for answering with intelligence, bluntness, but also with support and compassion. I appreciate it

It CAN be done. I WILL get there. thanks Sai.

---

You keep making the same mistakes because you're not learning from them. You say your anger problems are gone, yet you resort to bad mouthing this girl. Don't say you're not. It is like you have 100 hands for a total of 500 fingers, all pointing in some random direction, but none is pointing at you.

Society sucks. People have become this. This girl that.

No. You are part of society. You seem to have become the same kind of person that you dislike so much. But no, it's all societies fault. Really?

I dare you, i double dare you, to take 1 day to complete shut yourself from the outside world, and focus purely on yourself. Focus purely on what you can improve on yourself. You can only change others by changing others.

If it's really, and truly, your goal to just be with other people, then i suggest buying some books on social contact. But i guarantee you that you will find that doing that will not fulfill that which you miss. Only you can do that. It's time to wake up and see that.

People will talk about their difficulties with others and become frustrated. I dare you to not react negatively to someone who all of a sudden blocks and deletes you, or some friend who suddenly ignores you completely. We're all human, both those who treat us poorly and those of us reacting to it.

+1, Batman. Well said.

People need a shoulder to cry on sometimes, and friends are supposed to be there for each other. It has nothing to do with finding happiness within yourself. You can be happy with who you are and still need a friend. I am always there for my friends when they need me, because I want to help in any way I can. And I'm glad that they are there for me.

You are apparently fine without having a friend to lean on, Sai, which is good for you I guess. But at the same time your challenge to Retro is meaningless. Anyone could shut the world out completely for one day and concentrate on how they can improve themselves. There are few people however who could go years with no one to talk to, and no friendly voice to tell them they'll be okay. Gaining an outside perspective is important, it's how we learn from each other.

And bad mouthing the girl? Maybe he is. So what. He feels hurt, and he's ranting. That is completely natural and healthy. Much healthier than bottling his emotions up (which is how anger problems can start). As long as he doesn't speak ill of her constantly and become obsessed, I don't see a problem with it.

I can't be sure that Retro is working on himself, but since he seems much less angry and hostile than he used to be, I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. He seems to have found a good balance. Being honest is a good thing on your part Sai, and I'm glad you are willing to advise him and others so often. But I hope you realize that you wouldn't have had the opportunity to try and help him if he had not come here ranting. People should be there for each other, just as you are here for Retro in this thread.

Retro, I'm sorry things didn't work out with the girl. Maybe she felt it was best to stop talking to you since you couldn't be together. Don't give up on yourself or other people though.

Locke thank you and don't worry, I actually agree with Sai. As I have read through my posts personally, I have indeed, kept on going on about her and not looking at the person who need first priority, Myself. it is me who need to try and fix this to prevent the same mistakes happening.

I have made slight progress in my anger. I'm not being a tool here and I'm letting people have their say and being open minded instead of shutting everyone out here and attacking them like I did before. That, atleast is some progress.

---

Seeker & EvewasFramed both make good points. I might also add the basic fact that most humans are selfish, shortsighted creatures who, when it comes to the choice between being ethical toward everyone equally & only caring about those within their particular tribe, will choose the 2nd option every time. True friends that you can depend on are rare gems indeed; don't expect to find too many. When you do find one, treat him/her well, for real friends are worth keeping.

Mtrip, that's VERY wise advice, thanks

---

Yeah, I definitely don't overburden people with my problems. That's why I come to forums like these: to vent. I don't talk about it offline.

The one time I broke that rule, it damaged the friendship. So I've learned that people want you to put on a positive front; the depressing thoughts have to go to your therapist, or a third party.

That's very wise advice leaning me and you both made that mistake with friendships. it ruins everything. Thank you for replying to a thread of mine. just want to personally say I am sorry for being a toll to you in the past. I've realized I need you all here because, many of you are a reflection of myself and what I'm going through.

I've realised this isn't the place to make enemies with eachother ( more in my case it was me making myself an enemy with everyone else). It happens, but it should not. Sorry once again buddy and I hope in time (aslong as it takes) I can repair my reputation with you and others here. I do realize it takes time though and many will be cautious and mentally many may put me on a probationary period for some time and rightly so.

---

As I have said in another post, people don't want to hear anyone else's problems, but are somehow always eager to load you up with their own. Friendships in today's world are gradually getting so shallow and "small-talky" that we will eventually get to the point where only psychologists will listen to our problems, and that only because they are getting paid for it (it is already happening but i expect it to get worse in the next few years).

You know what? that synopsis/prediction is full of despair but also very true. I admire you for having the courage to tell it like it is

Trust me I'm a very positive person in general, but a realist to the extreme as well, so I ain't gonna sit in my happy corner and pretend that this planet is not going down the drain with each day that passes.

I'm glad that I at least made you laugh though, you look like you needed some cheering.

Seeker, you did just that. Your'e a cool person!

---

---

---

---

Thanx i guess haha, you can pm me any time you wanna talk

 

[Rosebolt]

People will talk about their difficulties with others and become frustrated. I dare you to not react negatively to someone who all of a sudden blocks and deletes you, or some friend who suddenly ignores you completely. We're all human, both those who treat us poorly and those of us reacting to it.

+1, Batman. Well said.

People need a shoulder to cry on sometimes, and friends are supposed to be there for each other. It has nothing to do with finding happiness within yourself. You can be happy with who you are and still need a friend. I am always there for my friends when they need me, because I want to help in any way I can. And I'm glad that they are there for me.

You are apparently fine without having a friend to lean on, Sai, which is good for you I guess. But at the same time your challenge to Retro is meaningless. Anyone could shut the world out completely for one day and concentrate on how they can improve themselves. There are few people however who could go years with no one to talk to, and no friendly voice to tell them they'll be okay. Gaining an outside perspective is important, it's how we learn from each other.

And bad mouthing the girl? Maybe he is. So what. He feels hurt, and he's ranting. That is completely natural and healthy. Much healthier than bottling his emotions up (which is how anger problems can start). As long as he doesn't speak ill of her constantly and become obsessed, I don't see a problem with it.

I can't be sure that Retro is working on himself, but since he seems much less angry and hostile than he used to be, I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. He seems to have found a good balance. Being honest is a good thing on your part Sai, and I'm glad you are willing to advise him and others so often. But I hope you realize that you wouldn't have had the opportunity to try and help him if he had not come here ranting. People should be there for each other, just as you are here for Retro in this thread.

Retro, I'm sorry things didn't work out with the girl. Maybe she felt it was best to stop talking to you since you couldn't be together. Don't give up on yourself or other people though.

The point i was trying to make has been missed. Wether that's due to me or not i don't know, but my apologies if it is.

I don't mean for him to stop talking to people altogether, i personally think that's unhealthy, unless you're very well trained, which takes decades.

It's always good to reach out, i do it too, altough i do tend to hate myself for it lol. The point i was trying to make was for him to stop blaming others, not because others aren't to blame, but because it doesn't get you anywhere, as you can only change yourself and blabla.

Focusing on yourself does not mean that you should ignore other people altogether, but by improving yourself and staying true to yourself, you are going to attract other people. Then you'll have more shoulders to cry on, so to speak.

I took on a harsher tone since sometimes that is needed to get through to people, to me at least. Projecting that way of handling things onto other people might not have been the best idea, but that is subjective, i believe.

Oh, and as an edit, Batman, i actually have had that sort of situation i think a month or two ago, where there was a really sudden crash between me and who i up until that point felt like was my closest friend. But i needed to move on and focus on me. I talked about it with another very good friend to help the dealing, but that was enough.

Anyway, everyone is different of course. I'd just like to see people having the resilience and the happiness that they can have.

 

[Pike Queen]

We learned this the hard way. My mom just recently lost a friendship of 30+ years because the woman she was friends with was just so selfish. Whenever something would happen with them, we would be there, help out in any way we could, and listen. When I was diagnosed with my Leukemia, they didn't help us at all. Her kids who would usually text me all the time, stopped texting me. The only thing they were concerned about was coming over and telling us more about their problems. It's incredible. I don't blame my mom for ending the friendship. In fact, I'm in a similar situation with one of my own friends.

 

[Walley]

^^ yes, I have been through pretty much the same thing. I jumped and ran to them whenever they needed, went far out of my way to support them every single time and dropped whatever problems I had at the time, then when I needed someone I was told by my friend that they cannot help me with my problems because they have their own to deal with.

 

[Locke]

The point i was trying to make has been missed. Wether that's due to me or not i don't know, but my apologies if it is.

I don't mean for him to stop talking to people altogether, i personally think that's unhealthy, unless you're very well trained, which takes decades.

It's always good to reach out, i do it too, altough i do tend to hate myself for it lol. The point i was trying to make was for him to stop blaming others, not because others aren't to blame, but because it doesn't get you anywhere, as you can only change yourself and blabla.

Focusing on yourself does not mean that you should ignore other people altogether, but by improving yourself and staying true to yourself, you are going to attract other people. Then you'll have more shoulders to cry on, so to speak.

I took on a harsher tone since sometimes that is needed to get through to people, to me at least. Projecting that way of handling things onto other people might not have been the best idea, but that is subjective, i believe.

I never said that he shouldn't focus on himself, or that he should blame others for his problems. I said that ranting is healthy, and I stand by that statement. My point has been proven already, because like I said, had he not been upset enough to post here, he would not have gotten any kind of advice.

I also don't understand why you think that I believe improving oneself is a bad thing. I don't believe that. I simply said that people should be there for each other, and they should be. If you want compassion from others, you have to be willing to give it in turn. Unfortunately, so many people are focused purely on themselves that they forget that there are other people in need. Other people they can learn from. Which could be why this girl stopped talking to him in the first place. She might have been focused on herself without considering his feelings.

A few weeks go, I was hoping to get support from someone. Instead, I got a cold, uncaring lecture and was accused of not trying to improve myself, when the fact was that I was doing everything I could to improve my life. I guess I just don't want to see anyone else have to go through that. My apologies if my view offends you though.

I'll end my part in this discussion by repeating what I posted before: Retro, don't give up on yourself or other people.

 

[Retrospective81]

There are a few people that I talk to on a semi-daily basis. Perhaps a week. I tell them my problems and they tell me theirs. Also, there was a friend from school that I told about my past and when our mutual friends in school were teasing me, my friend told them to stop and afterwards asked me if I wanted to talk about what happened and how I was feeling. So I think that you can share your problems with your friends, but like the others said you need to find the good ones and well, you know, you should be able to trust them too.

Also, don't mind the Facebook thing. It's just Facebook, really. The social site where everybody tells the world when they are going to take a dump. (hehe)

Haha HG, you brightened my day with that statement.

 

[Rosebolt]

I never said that he shouldn't focus on himself, or that he should blame others for his problems. I said that ranting is healthy, and I stand by that statement. My point has been proven already, because like I said, had he not been upset enough to post here, he would not have gotten any kind of advice.

I also don't understand why you think that I believe improving oneself is a bad thing. I don't believe that. I simply said that people should be there for each other, and they should be. If you want compassion from others, you have to be willing to give it in turn. Unfortunately, so many people are focused purely on themselves that they forget that there are other people in need. Other people they can learn from. Which could be why this girl stopped talking to him in the first place. She might have been focused on herself without considering his feelings.

A few weeks go, I was hoping to get support from someone. Instead, I got a cold, uncaring lecture and was accused of not trying to improve myself, when the fact was that I was doing everything I could to improve my life. I guess I just don't want to see anyone else have to go through that. My apologies if my view offends you though.

I'll end my part in this discussion by repeating what I posted before: Retro, don't give up on yourself or other people.

I don't think we understand each other. Shall we agree to disagree?

 

[Retrospective81]

We learned this the hard way. My mom just recently lost a friendship of 30+ years because the woman she was friends with was just so selfish. Whenever something would happen with them, we would be there, help out in any way we could, and listen. When I was diagnosed with my Leukemia, they didn't help us at all. Her kids who would usually text me all the time, stopped texting me. The only thing they were concerned about was coming over and telling us more about their problems. It's incredible. I don't blame my mom for ending the friendship. In fact, I'm in a similar situation with one of my own friends.

I'm sorry to hear all that your mom endured. personally, I do not blame her for ending it either. I hope you are over the leukeamia now and yes, in a similar situation, I advise to en it too. These people can be 'toxic' and they wave a lot of 'red flags' try to avoid at all costs if no other way can be found!

---

^^ yes, I have been through pretty much the same thing. I jumped and ran to them whenever they needed, went far out of my way to support them every single time and dropped whatever problems I had at the time, then when I needed someone I was told by my friend that they cannot help me with my problems because they have their own to deal with.

Ever so typical isn't it? :\ Atleast now we know Walley.

 

[Locke]

I don't think we understand each other. Shall we agree to disagree?

No. "agree to disagree" is a cop-out, usually said by people who aren't willing to try and see another persons point of view. If you post something I strongly disagree with, I will say something.

 

[Tiina63]

As I have said in another post, people don't want to hear anyone else's problems, but are somehow always eager to load you up with their own. Friendships in today's world are gradually getting so shallow and "small-talky" that we will eventually get to the point where only psychologists will listen to our problems, and that only because they are getting paid for it (it is already happening but i expect it to get worse in the next few years).

I agree with this and see it in my own life. I have friends, but find I can only really talk about my problems with my therapist. I don't feel particularly close to any of my friends as I have to wear the social mask with them as well most of the time.

 

[Rosebolt]

No. "agree to disagree" is a cop-out, usually said by people who aren't willing to try and see another persons point of view. If you post something I strongly disagree with, I will say something.

I don't think our views are all that different, but the means by which we uphold those views are different, i think. I do not think i have used the right words. I'll try to explain what i really mean.

I never said that he shouldn't focus on himself, or that he should blame others for his problems. I said that ranting is healthy, and I stand by that statement. My point has been proven already, because like I said, had he not been upset enough to post here, he would not have gotten any kind of advice.

Of course ranting is healthy, as i said earlier in post #22: "It's always good to reach out." I don't disagree with you on that. I am happy that Retrospective reached out since that is a vital way of getting over troubles. I do it too, of course, it's normal and highly beneficial.

I also don't understand why you think that I believe improving oneself is a bad thing. I don't believe that. I simply said that people should be there for each other, and they should be. If you want compassion from others, you have to be willing to give it in turn. Unfortunately, so many people are focused purely on themselves that they forget that there are other people in need. Other people they can learn from. Which could be why this girl stopped talking to him in the first place. She might have been focused on herself without considering his feelings.

I never thought that you thought improving oneself is a bad thing, but you're right that i haven't given that enough thought, and have jumped to conclusions there. My apologies on that. Of course you're right on people being there for each other. We're still social creatures. I know it can be hard to imagine judging from most of my posts in this thread and others, but i can be nice to people as well. Not just can, i am, too. Of course i understand why i come across as the complete opposite of that here.

A few weeks go, I was hoping to get support from someone. Instead, I got a cold, uncaring lecture and was accused of not trying to improve myself, when the fact was that I was doing everything I could to improve my life. I guess I just don't want to see anyone else have to go through that. My apologies if my view offends you though.

Your views don't offend me at all, that would be pretty sociopathic i think. I'm really sorry to hear that though, believe it or not. I was actually trying to help you. I guess after these instances i need to review what i see as helping, since it doesn't at all come across as such. My apologies here too, for that. I understand if you rather don't take those, though.

I do like you, Locke, always did. It pains me to have this hostality with you.

 

[Locke]

I don't think our views are all that different, but the means by which we uphold those views are different, i think

I think our views are different, and you still miss my point. You have made it clear that you believe a person should become happy with themselves, and people will flock to them. I completely understand this viewpoint, because I have had people flock to me when life was good. But in my opinion, there are several flaws in it.

If you make friends when you are completely happy with your life, you will not know if those friends can be counted on when times get tough. Several people have shared stories about how their friends have abandoned them when they were going through a hard time. If you make a friend while you are under a little stress and you tell them about it, then it builds trust between both people. Personally, I don't want people to "flock to me" when I'm happy, because I have found through experience that most friendships made in that way are meaningless. However, if a person is fine with having a bunch of casual friends who'll dump them at the first sign of trouble, then yeah, get happy. But if you want a true friend, tell 'em what's bothering you and see if they stick around.

When you are completely or nearly alone, it is very difficult to become happy with yourself. As you said, we are social creatures. Everyone needs a friend, family member or a listening ear. There are also inevitebly negative thoughts such as, "No one loves me", "I'm not good enough to be around people" And, "I deserve to be alone". It's not just people being there for each other either, It's people learning from each other. When you're depressed, an outside perspective is important because negative thought patterns are very hard to change on your own. Who's more likely to give you that perspective? A friend who flocked to you because you were happy, or a friend who has stood by your side when you were sad?

Having at least one friend can go a long way.

Now having said all of the above, here's my point: When you're depressed, I don't think you should only focus on your own happiness. I think you should reach out to other people, listen to their problems and try to help or be there for them, and hopefully find someone who will do the same for you. Because that kind of perspective is important.

If it's really, and truly, your goal to just be with other people, then i suggest buying some books on social contact. But i guarantee you that you will find that doing that will not fulfill that which you miss. Only you can do that. It's time to wake up and see that.

Focusing on yourself does not mean that you should ignore other people altogether, but by improving yourself and staying true to yourself, you are going to attract other people. Then you'll have more shoulders to cry on, so to speak.

Do you understand why I take issue with these statements now? He will be missing out, because true friends are hard to find and irreplaceable. I hope he keeps looking for them while he is improving himself. And I think the "Only you can do that" part is false. It's up to an individual to make the decision to change and do most of the work, but it's damn difficult to do it alone. People don't always know how to stay true to themselves and improve without a shoulder to cry on. And again, making friends after you've improved yourself probably won't earn you any extra shoulders.

This isn't about whether you like me or not. I doubt you ever did, but it doesn't matter. I don't even expect you to agree with me. I only wanted you to try and understand where I'm coming from, and your "agree to disagree" comment made it seem as if you don't want to understand. I admit that I did go about it the wrong way and I was hostile. Honestly, it was hard not to be considering mistakes that we have both made. But I am sorry. I suppose any kind of discussion about this is nearly impossible now, and a lot of that is likely my fault. But if you don't want to discuss it, I would ask you to consider what I have said, just as I am considering what you said.

 

[ardour]

The point i was trying to make has been missed. Wether that's due to me or not i don't know, but my apologies if it is.

I don't mean for him to stop talking to people altogether, i personally think that's unhealthy, unless you're very well trained, which takes decades.

It's always good to reach out, i do it too, altough i do tend to hate myself for it lol. The point i was trying to make was for him to stop blaming others, not because others aren't to blame, but because it doesn't get you anywhere, as you can only change yourself and blabla.

Focusing on yourself does not mean that you should ignore other people altogether, but by improving yourself and staying true to yourself, you are going to attract other people. Then you'll have more shoulders to cry on, so to speak.

I took on a harsher tone since sometimes that is needed to get through to people, to me at least. Projecting that way of handling things onto other people might not have been the best idea, but that is subjective, i believe.

Oh, and as an edit, Batman, i actually have had that sort of situation i think a month or two ago, where there was a really sudden crash between me and who i up until that point felt like was my closest friend. But i needed to move on and focus on me. I talked about it with another very good friend to help the dealing, but that was enough.

Anyway, everyone is different of course. I'd just like to see people having the resilience and the happiness that they can have.

Apologies for butting in, I can't add to what Locke said, but what in the context of the topic what is so wrong with the OP? That he resents someone he opened up to blocking him?

It sounds like you believe in detachment, wanting from others as this unattractive trait that repulses people so as a mindset it should be avoided. Detachment isn't that great a goal, how can it be - when things once cared about no longer matter they can't really be appreciated again without 'going back' .

So that's like telling him to be happy in himself, alone if need be, then other aspects of his life might improve, *but* that he shouldn't care when they do... in case he regresses to his former bitter, needy old self and loses that which he's no longer meant to care about... Maybe that's oversimplifying but can you see how depressing it can be to get advice like that.

 

[Retrospective81]

The point i was trying to make has been missed. Wether that's due to me or not i don't know, but my apologies if it is.

I don't mean for him to stop talking to people altogether, i personally think that's unhealthy, unless you're very well trained, which takes decades.

It's always good to reach out, i do it too, altough i do tend to hate myself for it lol. The point i was trying to make was for him to stop blaming others, not because others aren't to blame, but because it doesn't get you anywhere, as you can only change yourself and blabla.

Focusing on yourself does not mean that you should ignore other people altogether, but by improving yourself and staying true to yourself, you are going to attract other people. Then you'll have more shoulders to cry on, so to speak.

I took on a harsher tone since sometimes that is needed to get through to people, to me at least. Projecting that way of handling things onto other people might not have been the best idea, but that is subjective, i believe.

Oh, and as an edit, Batman, i actually have had that sort of situation i think a month or two ago, where there was a really sudden crash between me and who i up until that point felt like was my closest friend. But i needed to move on and focus on me. I talked about it with another very good friend to help the dealing, but that was enough.

Anyway, everyone is different of course. I'd just like to see people having the resilience and the happiness that they can have.

Apologies for butting in, I can't add to what Locke said, but what in the context of the topic what is so wrong with the OP? That he resents someone he opened up to blocking him?

It sounds like you believe in detachment, wanting from others as this unattractive trait that repulses people so as a mindset it should be avoided. Detachment isn't that great a goal, how can it be - when things once cared about no longer matter they can't really be appreciated again without 'going back' .

So that's like telling him to be happy in himself, alone if need be, then other aspects of his life might improve, *but* that he shouldn't care when they do... in case he regresses to his former bitter, needy old self and loses that which he's no longer meant to care about... Maybe that's oversimplifying but can you see how depressing it can be to get advice like that.

Don't worry Rdor. I'm not going to go back to being who I once was here. I have learnt too many harsh and bitter lessons from it. Lost precious friends in a very, very painful process. I forgive myself and all the others who I thought caused me to be that person. In fact, I was very misguided and now know, they were not to blame in the first place.

I've let go of many things that held me back and what could have possibly reverted me going back to the former. I don't feel hate nor bitterness towards anyone anymore. Obviously many who knew me from my former self here on this forum will have to take time and see it to believe it and that is quite, understandable.

 

[ardour]

That's not what i was suggesting. It's normal to want from others, I'm not on board with the idea that we need to detach ourselves in order grow and become likeable. It seems self-defeating, and basically gives people a free pass to treat you like ****. There's a reason why monks have to separate themselves from society to achieve that kind of state.

IMO in some circumstances bitterness is normal and even affirming. I prefer to call that 'righteous indignation'. Letting it eat away at you or using it as an excuse to act like a **** is where it becomes a problem.

 

[Batman55]

That's not what i was suggesting. It's normal to want from others, I'm not on board with the idea that we need to detach ourselves in order grow and become likeable. It seems self-defeating, and basically gives people a free pass to treat you like ****. There's a reason why monks have to separate themselves from society to achieve that kind of state.

IMO in some circumstances bitterness is normal and even affirming. I prefer to call that 'righteous indignation'. Letting it eat away at you or using it as an excuse to act like a **** is where it becomes a problem.

I agree.

 

[AlexChristy]

I disagree with you, Retrospective81.
If a person wants to find wife/husband, it does not want to hear about your problems. But if it wants to find friends, it will be opened to listen to you.
The same situation in real life.
So don't be afraid to open yourself to another person.

 

[Retrospective81]

I disagree with you, Retrospective81.
If a person wants to find wife/husband, it does not want to hear about your problems. But if it wants to find friends, it will be opened to listen to you.
The same situation in real life.
So don't be afraid to open yourself to another person.

In being the open minded person I am I am always open to listen and deliberate on your opinion. Yes, Alex, you make a lot of good valid points there.

To be honest, I do not think I made myself quite clear on this issue. I do open up. I have 2 good friend here on Skype who I feel I can open up to and have proved themselves to be trustworthy and good listeners.

I feel I am progressing. baby steps only though

---

That's not what i was suggesting. It's normal to want from others, I'm not on board with the idea that we need to detach ourselves in order grow and become likeable. It seems self-defeating, and basically gives people a free pass to treat you like ****. There's a reason why monks have to separate themselves from society to achieve that kind of state.

IMO in some circumstances bitterness is normal and even affirming. I prefer to call that 'righteous indignation'. Letting it eat away at you or using it as an excuse to act like a **** is where it becomes a problem.

rdor, yet, more sensible and very valid points you have made. I agree on the 'pass to treat you like sh*t' statement. That again, is very true to life.

I have broken off a few people here in real life who I felt didn't respect me enough and I felt they were treating me in such a negative manner. So In that aspect, I have taken onboard what you have said. I forgive them, but I am not going to give them another chance to do the same.

They had numerous chances before. if people don't learn, then realistically, I have no choice then to cut them out of my life. In saying that, I wish them all the best.

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I disagree with you, Retrospective81.
If a person wants to find wife/husband, it does not want to hear about your problems. But if it wants to find friends, it will be opened to listen to you.
The same situation in real life.
So don't be afraid to open yourself to another person.

In being the open minded person I am I am always open to listen and deliberate on your opinion. Yes, Alex, you make a lot of good valid points there.

To be honest, I do not think I made myself quite clear on this issue. I do open up. I have 2 good friend here on Skype who I feel I can open up to and have proved themselves to be trustworthy and good listeners.

I feel I am progressing. baby steps only though

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That's not what i was suggesting. It's normal to want from others, I'm not on board with the idea that we need to detach ourselves in order grow and become likeable. It seems self-defeating, and basically gives people a free pass to treat you like ****. There's a reason why monks have to separate themselves from society to achieve that kind of state.

IMO in some circumstances bitterness is normal and even affirming. I prefer to call that 'righteous indignation'. Letting it eat away at you or using it as an excuse to act like a **** is where it becomes a problem.

rdor, yet, more sensible and very valid points you have made. I agree on the 'pass to treat you like sh*t' statement. That again, is very true to life.

I have broken off a few people here in real life who I felt didn't respect me enough and I felt they were treating me in such a negative manner. So In that aspect, I have taken onboard what you have said. I forgive them, but I am not going to give them another chance to do the same.

They had numerous chances before. if people don't learn, then realistically, I have no choice then to cut them out of my life. In saying that, I wish them all the best.

---

On the bitterness situation you mentioned. Unfortunately, I did let it eat me up in such a negative manner where I DID let it use it as an excuse to act like a d*ck. Fortunately though, I have seen the light on this

 

[dustgollum]

I think most societies have come to a catch-22 situation nowadays where the 'friend' concept is concerned. We see the breakdown of family units in many places (family being a dependable source of support for many things), most societies leaning more and more towards the isolation of individuals in lifestyle, and the concept of 'friend' becoming a more and more casual thing (i.e. Facebook for example.)

I tend to see most people I know as acquaintances and call very few friends. By using the term acquaintance it's a constant reminder to myself that these are folks who are friendly enough and may even have some common ground with me, but are not people who I know would be willing or wanting to listen to my issues. Purely surface social stuff. Even the few friends I have, I'm very cautious about opening up to because in most cases it ends up being a situation where I help or listen when they have issues, but when I am in a situation, they don't want to hear about it unless it's a true emergency. It's not a blame thing - it just seems all people are capable of these days. They will put their emotional energy into their families, but not much further. The catch-22 of this is, it fills the world w/ lonely and unhappy people who have no outlet if they don't have a supportive family, and when they do find someone to listen, they drain them and don't give back the same support. That may sound negative but I don't mean it to - it just seems to be the way it is from what I've observed.

 

[Seeker]

I think most societies have come to a catch-22 situation nowadays where the 'friend' concept is concerned. We see the breakdown of family units in many places (family being a dependable source of support for many things), most societies leaning more and more towards the isolation of individuals in lifestyle, and the concept of 'friend' becoming a more and more casual thing (i.e. Facebook for example.)

I tend to see most people I know as acquaintances and call very few friends. By using the term acquaintance it's a constant reminder to myself that these are folks who are friendly enough and may even have some common ground with me, but are not people who I know would be willing or wanting to listen to my issues. Purely surface social stuff. Even the few friends I have, I'm very cautious about opening up to because in most cases it ends up being a situation where I help or listen when they have issues, but when I am in a situation, they don't want to hear about it unless it's a true emergency. It's not a blame thing - it just seems all people are capable of these days. They will put their emotional energy into their families, but not much further. The catch-22 of this is, it fills the world w/ lonely and unhappy people who have no outlet if they don't have a supportive family, and when they do find someone to listen, they drain them and don't give back the same support. That may sound negative but I don't mean it to - it just seems to be the way it is from what I've observed.

I congratulate you for an apparently well-thought of and painfully true observation about the way people function these days. This is the kind of truth that all psychologists know, but don't say to their patients, from fear of exposing them to the truth of today's society, which is increased emotional separation between humans.
Oh, and thanks for making me want to finally read Catch-22, the book has been sitting on my bookshelf for months.