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Aztorak

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Apr 30, 2015
Messages
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Location
Florida
Hello everyone. Perhaps some of you remember me from here a bit over 4 months ago.

My life has experienced a new low since then. I'm sick and tired of it all, and have no idea how to deal with it in any constructive way. I'm too sensitive for this reality. Everyone is so horrible and I have no place to turn. My life is garbage, I am pathetic, and this world is chewing me into bits and pieces to be swallowed back up. I knew from the very beginning that I would hit a dead end, that is what makes every day a living nightmare.

I hope all of you are in better shape, because I wouldn't wish this feeling upon even my worst enemy.

Truly,
Aztorak (Aaron)
 
You're in a tough spot Aztorak and I'm glad the forum is here to ventilate that kind of turbulence.

I'm not trying to be an unsympathetic smart ass, but when you say, "I knew from the beginning I would hit a dead end....." that could be suggestive of a self fulfilling prophecy. Or something like that.

Feel free to tell me I'm an ******* if I'm out of line here.
 
Hi friend. Not sure what happened but I just want you to know your in the right place to talk it out. Not sure why you left but keep it up. There are those who will listen and try to help if you let them.

For comparison I guess ill let you know I have recently broken it off with my gf of 5 years moved back to my mothers in my old home town. i'm commuting to a job overnight which I blame for breaking us up and I lost all my friends when I left and i'm starting over and I'm dealing with depression and severe shaking and anxiety attacks and my health is waning BUT i'm moving on. i'll tell you right now tonight i'm moving on and I've got a shot at happiness. I miss her and if we have a chance ill see whats up but ill do what makes ME happy first.

Anything like that? Let uncle loke know? I hope your ok you don't have to do it alone.
 
Aztorak said:
Hello everyone. Perhaps some of you remember me from here a bit over 4 months ago.

My life has experienced a new low since then. I'm sick and tired of it all, and have no idea how to deal with it in any constructive way. I'm too sensitive for this reality. Everyone is so horrible and I have no place to turn. My life is garbage, I am pathetic, and this world is chewing me into bits and pieces to be swallowed back up. I knew from the very beginning that I would hit a dead end, that is what makes every day a living nightmare.

I hope all of you are in better shape, because I wouldn't wish this feeling upon even my worst enemy.

Truly,
Aztorak (Aaron)

Greetings friend. Although everyone's journey is different, I felt similar feelings years back before I was able to transform internally & the exterior world had no choice but to mirror back what was inside. The truth is within....

A lot of people say, "There's no love in the world, I don't see love anywhere, so I have become hardened." Not realizing that glass shatters, feathers don't. For me, the secret to the 'power of love', is to remember that we have to love ourselves 100%, it all starts with self love. That is the secret of alchemists.

The world out there is a projection of your mind....In essence, we are a microcosm of our external world. Everything is taking place internally right now. By loving ourselves, by doing what we love, having fun, following our passion, we begin to experience the power of love. Love expands us. When we smile, we are expanding, love is unlimited. Fear is always in the 'known' and it prevents us from doing certain things. Fear is about order & not changing, while love embraces change. Love is unlimited energy.

We've mostly all been in situations when we love someone, we travel miles and miles just to see them. Only the power of love has the ability to do that. Fear just keeps us in the same position. Once we connect back within ourselves, there's no problems. All of what is taking place outside begins to fade away. You'll then have more energy to share with people.

Certain people say when we talk of alchemy. "How does one access their love energy within?" A lot of alchemists have gone through the darkest of moments to find that love within. Yes, because your demons are angels in disguise. It's gonna take challenging life situations to begin to love yourself. To realize that there is no good, or bad in the universe, there are only actions and consequences.

Nobody is out to get us except ourselves, as we are our own greatest enemy. We must see that love transcends duality of good and bad, left and right. It is the energy permeating everything in existence. We are all reconnecting, because we are all connected. Things aren't about pleasing people. It's great to be nice, but it's even better to be yourself. Letting go of perfection is where creation begins. When you really begin to express yourself 100%, that is the power of love. We must stop comparing ourselves to others....

Nobody is seeing the world in the same way because we are all creating our own unique reality, however, we can co-exist in harmony. The power of love is becoming your own guru. That is self love....To see that we're made from the same fabric as the universe. There is no need to worship outside of you. In essence, we have to just give honor to every single one that we come into contact with, because they are a reflection of the universe. More people are embracing themselves. Fitting into a world out there, we have to fit into a world in here.

It's never about what you say, it's the energy behind that matters. I say to myself, "YOU ARE ENOUGH!" It's not about living for other people. It's about living from your heartspace, then you can give back to other people. You can share yourself with other people freely because.....It is not a strain, it is not a stress, it is not a burden for you. When you love yourself from within, every single cell within your body is transformed, is reorganized, is rearranged, is reassembled. The greatest way to reach people is through love and not through fear. People open hearts, when you touch theirs. That is the secret.

Love is more powerful than fear, Once we can see that we are alchemists. An alchemist is someone that can turn any negative situation into a harmonious one, because an alchemist is someone that let's go of duality & separation. It is all about the wholeness within ourselves. To love ourselves and to embrace the power of love, we have to let go of who we think we are.

Try and be true to yourself and keep it moving. We are not in this world to live up to other peoples expectations. We are here to live our own truth(s) and share with others we feel resonance with. Love is always in front of fear. We must put love in the drivers seat because that is the only way to go through the metamorphosis. :D

Cheers if you read this far. Let me know if there is anything I can help you with as I am a great listener and will never pass judgement on you or anyone for that matter. :)

Peace,
I_still_believe (Liam)
 
I hoped you are able to find some peace soon... please feel free to post as much as you need and talk to as many people as you can, to help figure out whats been going on.

Take good care.
 
Hi Aztorak. You're homecoming seems like you're a walking wounded. Yet there's a lot good feelings here and even some love.

I'm new here and this is my first reply where I feel compelled to make.

In Feb I'll be 77. I've lasted a lot longer than I ever thought I would. And during that long life I fought depression tooth and nail. I felt trapped in it. Like being in a cement box with no doors to exit or windows to see out. It's like being in an isolation cell, where you can eat and crap but never find a free breath.

Because I'm a writer, I usually wrote my way out of the depression. (Although some of them just went away after a good nights sleep, and no drugs.)

I keep a Writer's Journal that no one ever reads. It's where I can feel free to think anything I want. It's beyond those who I love and those who mean me ill. It's a place where I can be honest with myself. And I have learned, over the years, to confront myself about myself. Funny thing. After (usually) a few entries I can isolate the trigger for the depression. Another post suggested the answer to feeling better is in you. I agree with that.

Human Minds are fickle. And they turn against its owner and try to destroy them. But no matter how deranged a mind is, your truth won't be ignored.

The more you fixate on your condition the worse it gets. It's a vicious loop. Anything you can do to focus your mind to a point of concentration will asskick depression.

I still get depressed, but now I control it and not the other way around. Here's some tricks I have used to overcome my depressions.

JigSaw Puzzles. They force your mind to study a picture and find the right piece. You'll forget you're depressed. There's a free site on th Net where you can choose the picture and the type of puzzle you want to do. JigSawZone.com

I bought a yoyo with a clutch and taught myself yoyo tricks.

Sometimes I've read a book. The strings of words require focus of mind regardless of the story.

I learned macrame knots and made many wall hangings.

For a couple of years I took up table top weaving and made many placemats as gilts. You can buy such a loom for under a hundred bucks.

I took up bike riding.

Now a days I design mazes. 3D, with paths going over and under. It requires a lot of focus of my mind and usually kills the depression.

When I realized early on that my mind and emotions where out to get me, I taught myself how to take control back away from my mind. If your thinking negative thoughts, STOP. Then think positive thoughts. Your solution is in you, and the tool of escape is control of your own thinking. I think depression is part of the Human Gene Pool and it will show up in everyone's life and there's no escaping it.

I apologize that this post is so long and hope you get on top of your mind, regardless of how big you think your problems are.

Take care of yourself, it's the only 'you' you have.
 

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