I just don't understand

[FallenAngelPoet]

I don't get it I don't get it all why is it that one moment life seems life and then in a split second it does a 180. Why is it that once everything feels like its going back to normal it smacks you in the face to make sure that you know its never going too. I feel like there are two parts of me warring to see who is going to be in control. One part is stuck in the ridiculous trance where it thinks that everything is fine and dandy. That there's nothing going on, it’s the part of me that actually forgets things forgets what is actually staring me in the face every day. The other part of me knows what is going on and doesn't want anything to do with it. It wants to just be done with it and say **** you to everyone and everything there is out there and just be done with it just be done with all of it. What's the point of it all we are all going to die at some point so if your not enjoying things now and you can't see what goings to happen being anything good why go through it. Why torture yourself even more by staying in a place that doesn't give two ***** for you or if it does it has a funny way of showing it. I know I should be doing things differently I know I should be going to go see my therapist that doesn't even know the reasons why I'm there. I know I should be taking the medicine that is supposed to make me feel better to make the first part of me win. But the thing is how am I supposed to do things that are "right" when I don't even know what right is. I don't know what I'm doing I don’t know whats going to happen I don't know where im supposed to go or who im supposed to be and everyone just thinks that I should know. I hate it I can't stand it its my ******* life if I don't know who I want to live it then so be it if I want to end it then so be it. But I don't know I just want it all to stop I just want it all to be done and over with I don’t know how to deal with anything I've never been taught how and yet people seem to think that I should know how to deal with this. I don't so don't sit there and tell me I should. I don't even know what the **** this is. Depression. Am I going insane am I just a nut job who should be locked up or am I just a person who doesn’t understand life and doesn't want to deal with it. Maybe that’s who I am maybe that’s who im supposed to be the person who doesn't understand or understands it too much the person that doesn't get family or relationships or her feelings or anything maybe im just supposed to be the person who downs a bottle of pills or shoots herself in the head. Maybe that’s me I don't know that’s what the one part of me thinks but the other part is planning for the future, writing a ******* book that probably isn't worth **** but yet still I waste my time with it. The side that is thinking about college and what I want to do in the future. The part that still thinks the one person I actually do care about and I know I care about the one thing In my life that I know is real still loves me and isn't doing all of this just to make sure I wont go jumping off a bridge. Why the **** do I have to be so ****** up why the hell can't I just be a normal person I hate this I hate all of it .

 

[thelonegamer]

Calm down. It's OK not to have all the answers. Suicide is no solution for anything. You just need to take a deep breath sometimes.
To tell you a secret, no one knows what they're doing if that works for anything.
When you least expect, something good will happen. Even better than what you've planned for.
You just have to enjoy the ride. What's the point of life if you don't enjoy it?
It's alright not to know everything. No one ever does. Some just know how to hide that better.
Do this: exhale completely, inhale for 8 seconds, hold your breath for 7 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds. Then smile. Then you pm me
Be cool and welcome. Later...

 

[sk66rc]

There's a stand-up comedian... His name is Doug Stanhope... I've always liked him & I think he's hilarious... He did a bit about boredom... Of course like any comedy bits, what he says is over exaggerated to be funny but it does hold some truth to it... "All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!"

And here's a bit he did about suicide... "Suicide is another thing that's so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn't for everybody. It really isn't. It's sad when kids kill themselves 'cause they didn't really give it a chance, but life is like a movie: if you've sat through more than half of it and it sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the very end for you and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early. Don't get any ideas...."

Don't get me wrong... I'm not glorifying drugs or suicide but I'm saying there's almost always funny side to things if you look at them close enough... No matter how serious things have gotten, how many time we laugh about it in hindsight? I'm sure you've heard all that "it'll be alright" crap... Everybody's entitled to feel down & feel like everything is getting ****** up with no relief in sight... Try finding funny **** out of all that... I've heard somewhere "Life's a joke & not everybody gets it... Don't take it too seriously...!!!"

 

[thelonegamer]

I've heard "Why take life so seriously when it's an allucinating adventure from which no one comes out alive?"

 

[sk66rc]

I've heard "Why take life so seriously when it's an allucinating adventure from which no one comes out alive?"

Lol, yeah, right? Different people, different lines on same thoughts... Another one I've heard was, "It's your outlook on life that counts. If you take yourself lightly and don't take yourself too seriously, pretty soon you can find the humor in our everyday lives. And sometimes it can be a lifesaver." - Betty White -

 

[Ruthie]

I hope you will follow your highest dream and your heart. I don't think there's a thing wrong with you! I think there is a lot wrong with the world and times we live in! Any intelligent, normal person is going to get highly discouraged and frustrated with things, not just a few times, but many times.

I think if you can surround yourself with a few caring, non-judgmental people (even if it's online) who love you and who are emotionally supportive of you but who will also respect you enough to give you your space when you need solitude to create and write, you'll feel a gigantic lift.

Figure out which dreams mean most to you and live them, FallenAngelPoet; and please write your book. I for one know that it will be one of the greatest! <3

 

[ladyforsaken]

I can feel your frustration so much in your post. I hope that you can try to stay calm and feel better by now at least. I don't really know what else to say, but I do feel that at least each of us here do go through a moment in our lives when we stop and ask the same questions and wonder the same things. They always told me before to do something you're passionate about, and that passion will lead you to the purpose in life. I kinda believe in this.

Here's a virtual hug for you, hope you stay strong, talk to us here, vent whatever you need, but stay strong. *hugs*

 

[FPL2014]

This is the description of a depressive/suicidal frame of mind.

You probably understand that this is what goes through the minds of most people who come to this forum.

I generally forget about these dreary thoughts when I concentrate in one of my hobbies: literature, music, cinema...I know this is a cliché answer, but I can't think of anything else right now.