I just don't understand.

[Jesse]

My perception of myself is so different from how others see me (apparently).

I got a haircut today and the stylist asked me if I had any kids. I sorta laughed a little bit and said no.

I thought to myself, "Do I look like I could have kids?". I thought, "Do I look like a normal person?".

I guess to her I do, but to me, I just don't understand. I asked her in my head, "Do I look like I could even have a girlfriend?".

I guess the world doesn't see me as separate from the love world. I'm not invisible when it comes to attraction. I realize now that I do exist on a romantic level in the eyes of women, but I can't see myself in that world. I feel disconnected from it completely.

I feel that women are incapable of looking at me and feeling attraction on any level, or chatting with me and feeling some sort of connection.

It's hard for me to explain...If I was in a room with two other men and a woman and the woman's thoughts were about politics, then I and the two other men would be visible in her sight. However, if her thoughts shifted to romance and dating, I would disappear, while the other two men would not.

At least that's how I feel. It may not be what women see or feel. At least I'm starting to understand it's only in my own mind that this is happening.

How do I fix it? I have no idea.

 

[Steel]

I don't doubt at all that the way you perceive yourself is VERY different to the way the rest of the world looks at you.

You may not believe it quite yet, but you've already made an amazing step forward; your post is actually far more positive than you probably realise. These ideas DO exist only in your head; now that you are questioning their existence you have the opportunity to beat them. It may be a slow process, but you can do it!

Concentrate on building up your self-esteem - there are all sorts of resources available on the web that can help. It's terribly cliche, I know, but the expression that in order to find love you must first love yourself contains a fundamental truth.

Good luck!

 

[Jesse]

Thanks Steel. I really do think you're right. I think it is because I don't really love myself, but I am working on it. I'm working out every other day and trying to get in better shape to feel better about myself. I want it to happen. I do want love.

For a while I've tried to convince myself that I don't want love. I'd come up with every excuse I could. I see now that it was all in an effort to hide from the real problem- low self-esteem.

 

[SophiaGrace]

((((((((((((((((((jesse)))))))))))))) It is a blessing to watch you progress on this journey. I know you may not see it, but I can see you walking FORWARD, never backwards.

Sometimes I see you as standing still, looking around trying to take in your surroundings, but then you start walking again .

You've already figured out the truth. Do you even really need Steel's help? It's like you already knew the answer to it. n_n

Have faith in yourself.

The answers are within you, you already know what the truth is. It's just that writing it out helps I guess

I'm proud of you Jesse. keep on keeping on...

and as J.R.R. Tolkein wrote:

"Roads go ever ever on,
Over rock and under tree,
By caves where never sun has shone,
By streams that never find the sea;
Over snow by winter sown,
And through the merry flowers of June,
Over grass and over stone,
And under mountains in the moon.

Roads go ever ever on
Under cloud and under star,
Yet feet that wandering have gone
Turn at last to home afar.
Eyes that fire and sword have seen
And horror in the halls of stone
Look at last on meadows green
And trees and hills they long have known."

 

[Just_Some_Dude]

I agree with steel on this 100%. I took me till the age of about 23 to make that same realization.

 

[Badjedidude]

and as J.R.R. Tolkein wrote:

OMG Sophster, you automatically get 10 points just for quoting Tolkien!!!

----Steve

 

[Just_Some_Dude]

ALRIGHT SOPH,

i see your tolkein and i raise you some maynard!

a powerful song about reconnecting with your lost inner child (true self) after much trauma in the formative years...

What was it like to see,
The face of your own stability,
Suddenly look away,
Leaving you with the dead and hopeless?

Eleven and she was gone.
Eleven is when we waved good-bye.
Eleven is standing still,
Waiting for me to free him,
By coming home.

Moving me with a sound.
Opening me within a gesture.
Drawing me down and in,
Showing me where it all began,
Eleven.

You're too scar'd to realize this,
You are the voice that's been calling me back home.

Under a dead Ohio sky,
Eleven has been and will be waiting,
Defending his light and wondering,
Where the hell have I been?
Sleeping lost and numb I.
So glad that I have found you.
I am wide awake and heading,
Home.

I wish that I could see you,
Turn and run to play.
Dreams are fading,
Carry my ancient soul.

Carry me into the light.
Aim your body heavenly,
Enduring a memory.
I’ll come to your light,
Hold your light.
Hold your light where I can see it,

Hold it,
High.

Hold your light,
Eleven, Lead me through each gentle step,
By step,
By inch by loaded memory,
I'll move,
To heal,
As soon as pain allows so we can,
Reunite,
And both move on together.

Hold,
Your light,
Eleven lead me through each gentle step,
By step,
By inch by loaded memory 'till,
One,
And one are one,
Eleven.
So glow,
Child,
Glow.
I'm heading back home...

 

[Sway]

Sorry Some_Dude, I think Sophia's still wins, There's just too much Maynard to read!

 

[Jesse]

((((((((((((((((((jesse)))))))))))))) It is a blessing to watch you progress on this journey. I know you may not see it, but I can see you walking FORWARD, never backwards.

Sometimes I see you as standing still, looking around trying to take in your surroundings, but then you start walking again .

You've already figured out the truth. Do you even really need Steel's help? It's like you already knew the answer to it. n_n

Have faith in yourself.

The answers are within you, you already know what the truth is. It's just that writing it out helps I guess

I'm proud of you Jesse. keep on keeping on...

and as J.R.R. Tolkein wrote:

"Roads go ever ever on,
Over rock and under tree,
By caves where never sun has shone,
By streams that never find the sea;
Over snow by winter sown,
And through the merry flowers of June,
Over grass and over stone,
And under mountains in the moon.

Roads go ever ever on
Under cloud and under star,
Yet feet that wandering have gone
Turn at last to home afar.
Eyes that fire and sword have seen
And horror in the halls of stone
Look at last on meadows green
And trees and hills they long have known."

ALRIGHT SOPH,

i see your tolkein and i raise you some maynard!

a powerful song about reconnecting with your lost inner child (true self) after much trauma in the formative years...

What was it like to see,
The face of your own stability,
Suddenly look away,
Leaving you with the dead and hopeless?

Eleven and she was gone.
Eleven is when we waved good-bye.
Eleven is standing still,
Waiting for me to free him,
By coming home.

Moving me with a sound.
Opening me within a gesture.
Drawing me down and in,
Showing me where it all began,
Eleven.

You're too scar'd to realize this,
You are the voice that's been calling me back home.

Under a dead Ohio sky,
Eleven has been and will be waiting,
Defending his light and wondering,
Where the hell have I been?
Sleeping lost and numb I.
So glad that I have found you.
I am wide awake and heading,
Home.

I wish that I could see you,
Turn and run to play.
Dreams are fading,
Carry my ancient soul.

Carry me into the light.
Aim your body heavenly,
Enduring a memory.
I’ll come to your light,
Hold your light.
Hold your light where I can see it,

Hold it,
High.

Hold your light,
Eleven, Lead me through each gentle step,
By step,
By inch by loaded memory,
I'll move,
To heal,
As soon as pain allows so we can,
Reunite,
And both move on together.

Hold,
Your light,
Eleven lead me through each gentle step,
By step,
By inch by loaded memory 'till,
One,
And one are one,
Eleven.
So glow,
Child,
Glow.
I'm heading back home...

Hey I love Tolkien and Maynard!! I appreciate both comments.


Guys I'm making progress with things. I've been trying to quit viewing pornography and have had great success! In the past 2 and a half weeks I've only watched it twice! Since I've been limiting it I feel as though I'm becoming visible in the attraction world! I looked into the mirror and thought, I'm a MAN. I feel like a MAN.

I've had the desire to actually talk to women. I've had the desire to actually ask women out on a date and the courage to flirt. I'm feeling like I can attract women!

 

[Badjedidude]

AWESOME!!! NEVER LET GO OF THAT FEELING, MAN!!!

Hold on to that attitude!! Even if your fingernails tear out because you're trying so hard to hold on, never let go! That is the key to feeling confident and being successful not just with women, but with life in general!!

----Steve

 

[Oceanmist23]

Wow Jesse well done! It sure sounds like you have found the right path for you

Keep up the good work!

*HUGS*

 

[SophiaGrace]

You will do it jesse. I know you will

(((((((((((((Jesse))))))))))