I just feel so stupid man.

[Naizo]

I deleted my facebook awhile ago because of a mixture of me not being able to get over my ex and me not having to deal with people, but I recently decided I would start one again and after just a few days what did I find? I had texted my ex -twice- and another old friend of mine who said they were going to message back when they got the chance a few months ago just straight up told me "Dude, stop. Get the hint." When I tried getting in touch with them. I had no idea i had even done anything wrong to them... 

My last message to my ex was that I wouldn't be bothering her and I just wanted to wish her well and that I knew trying to start up a facebook again would put me in a bad mindset but I did it anyways. That's basically all I said but I found out I just thought I was over it, though I am honestly happy for her and want her to be happy and don't even have that delusional nonsense mindset of trying to win her back anymore, but even just having the option to go look at her page completely ***** with my head man... Like I sent that first text saying I hope they're alright and instantly my whole mood got brought down, like deleting facebook in the first place was just a bandaid and making a new one ripped it off and showed me how ****** up I still really am as I started getting suicidal thoughts again and started remembering good and bad memories I have with her like laying out in the grass on a towel being a good one and her not even looking me in the eye the last time I saw her and only giving me a hug after I stood there for like thirty seconds and could just tell she wanted nothing to do with me anymore... 

Like its been three years man, she's not even the same person I was in love with anymore but I can't ******* get over her and I just wish I could. No matter all the ******** I heard from people that was probably lies anyways because people just like to cause drama and pain or a mixture of my friends just trying to make me feel better or like I could do better I just can't see her as anything but my old best friend I wanted to spend my life with and cant even ******* talk to anymore without having a mental break down. I can't stop ******* crying man. And I have a tendency to sit there and talk to my friends about her and how I feel and it just makes me feel like I'm gossiping and sharing personal **** with people who it isn't the business of just because I want my feelings to be heard by someone.

Some of them say it's okay and they'll listen but I know it's just ******* annoying of me to do it and disrespectful to my ex and I really just ******* hate myself every time I do it. One of them told me to keep fighting the good fight and that she'd kick herself "in the nuts" at some point when she realized how dedicated I was but I think she's happy with who she's with and doesn't really think about me anymore probably at all. It's just so ******* hard to let go when you really wanted to spend your life with someone but it didn't work out and now they're moved on and happy and you're still stuck thinking about them. Like it's not their fault but some days I just wanna be done with this life because I feel like I wasted my chance at being with who I REALLY wanted to be with and maybe there's another life where I can try again. I don't think so cause I'm not religious but it just doesn't feel ******* right, but I can't ever die from my own wishes because it would hurt my family and friends so I have to be there to try and bring them happiness but I can't get that true content happiness for myself no matter what I freakin' do man...

All the friends I re-added on there probably just think I'm ******* annoying by this point for going through and re adding them just to delete it but I honestly wanted to try and be able to reconnect with my friends but I can't apparently. I feel so ******* stupid. And ******* useless.

I've said so much stupid **** about her in my emotional anger too I wouldn't even want to look at myself I freakin' hate myself for getting so upset when all she wanted to do was be happy and just wasn't happy with me and I couldn't respect that, I ******' hate myself for that man. Like even when someone tries to flirt with me nowadays I just don't find myself attracted to anyone at all because I harbor all these feelings for her that I can't let go. It feels like cheating when I try to like someone else. It makes me feel terrible, even moreseo when they actually like me and I can't like them back at all how they want.

 

[Joturbo]

Hi mate.

Look I've been where you are now when I was younger .I was totally in love more than infatuated with the most incredible lady I thought at the time I would ever meet.She was drop dead geourgous and we got on so well she was like a best mate as well as a girlfriend.When it ended I was just heartbroken because I'd lost a good friend as well as someone I thought I could spend the rest of my life with. Then I met my next girlfriend and it really did get easier...it was quite soon after and of course as you do when you click again with someone I put my all into the relationship.I didn't fall in love like before but I did love her and realised even seeing the lady before throughout that year that initial obsession with her had dissipated.I also think nowadays it's so easy to keep seeing what ex's are doing making it harder to get over them.I think it's better to block all contact and move on and just let someone new into your life...it worked for me but please believe me I feel your pain .

 

[Naizo]

I wish I would already sigh. I know it would make it easier to have someone else to focus on but that’s just not happened for me and in a lot of ways I can’t blame anyone but myself. When we first broke up I tried everything to rebound and nothing worked and I just ended up looking like a ******* and it became a running joke of who I would try to ask out next and made myself look like a ******* loser more and more. I just feel like the one thing I was good at was making that her happy and when the facade, the utter falseness of my assumption that I was providing her with some sort of relief from the stress of life was ripped out from under me like a rug it destroyed my confidence before I even tried talking to other women and I feel like an ******* when I turn down women I don't find attractive because I feel like I shouldn't complain about being alone when I have the audacity to turn someone else down who wants to try to be with me. I feel like I'm a complete useless piece of **** at my work because when I was with her I would happily work full weeks with no days off because i had someone i loved to go home to but in the years after I wanted to be there less and less even though I got raises for my hard work, I'm still not management at my burger flipping job, though i am closer to it now but really don't want it, there have been 18 year olds become managers in under a year and here I am having been there for over 5 years now and 23 and still just flipping burgers. I feel like I banked my whole life on that relationship and everything since has just come unwound like a t-shirt with a tiny nick in its fabric slowly tearing itself apart. People my age want to go out and drink and party but I like staying home and dont find anything in common with women my age, that's part of why I liked her so much is she was older and didnt mind being at home some times just watching a movie but she said once we were just **** buddies and it really struck me to my core that I was losing her and I tried to take her out but it didn't work out and her ex kept asking her when she was going to pick up her daughter and I felt useless and unable to help her. I just remember her once telling me she had spent all day writing a message about how special I was to her and thinking of how much I must have ****** up everything if her opinion of me shifted so drastically in just under a year and her saying I had to kiss her on midnight on new years or we wouldn't be together the next year and I kissed her for like six minutes straight just to be sure and it didn't work, it just didn't work at all and I regret every moment I didn't spend with her making memories and just ******* hate myself im a ******* failure man a complete ******* failure i cant make anyone happy i cant even make myself happy, i try to excercize and help people but its just me masking the fact that i dont think ill ever be good enough to do good for anyone in this world let alone give someone a family and love them and make them feel loved and safe i feel so ******* useless man...

 

[Naizo]

i just feel so ******* useless and dont see the point in being around even if im afraid of that day where no matter what i do in my life ill just stop existing i get days where i just dont want to be alive because i ruined the one thing i had that i truly loved, didnt show her enough how much she meant to me, and now i have to accept that she's happy and no matter what i do there's no going back there's no going back at all, i ruined it and it kills me every time i think about her, every day i think to myself todays the day i do something good with my life and i just ******* fail again and again

one of the things i saw before i deleted my facebook again was a post she shared about how when something is broken you fix it you dont throw it away and i thought i must've been way past fixing if she didn't see any merit at all in fixing what wasnt working and never wanted to talk to me about it she just thought it better that we werent going to work out no matter what we tried it hurts so ******* bad to know that fact that even compared to someone she told me hurt her physically im even more replaceable than that man is because they worked it out and love eachother and she's happy and im so happy for her but im so so sad and so so empty man...

---

so ******* empty man... 

i just keep seeing the image of the back of my head exploding and i cant stop it i cant ******* handle it, i know ill be better in a few days i know i would never do that to my family but i cant ******* stop the image and get it out of my head. i wish weed was legal in my state, because its the only thing that's ever helped me look at a situation and consider the positive implications but right now i just dont see the upside to being a loser who cant even find physical attraction in someone new let alone let go of his feelings for someone who will never love him again, never, ever ever ever.. if something is broken u dont throw it away you fix it but i was never broken i was just useless like a fork with bent teeth straight out of the package... i cant ******* stand being me... always lucky, never successful... failure... cant even make myself happy.. i wish i neve made a new facebook.. atleast i thoguht i was over it before that but now that i know im not at all i just am back to never wanting to see another face again.. i know there's always the possibility i will meet someone i love even more one day like my friends keep telling me, that ill meet someone new even if its 10 years from now... that i will love them and they'll hold onto me but i know it's no guarantee and that they'll likely leave me for someone better, more driven, too... i ******* hate myself. i ******* hate that i want to die and i ******* hate that i cant no matter how much i want to because i cant do that to my family. i ******* hate that i have to make this decision to consciously decide not to kill myself every time i think of the person who made me the happiest. i ******* hate that i cant find happiness in my family and friends like i did in her. i ******* hate that i cant bring happiness to my family and friends and the only other woman i had even the slightest interest in told me "dude, take the hint, stop trying."

i think she is right, i think i should take the hint life keeps trying to give me and just stop fighting to try and win this ****** up game. its like trying to play pac man when the game over screen is already up and ive been out of quarters for three years but i just keep wiggling the joystick making the wakka wakka noises myself pretending that im still playing the game when i already lost and used up all my extra lives

 

[Naizo]

anyways i know will probably feel better tomorrow or a few days from now... i just wanted to get all these thoughts out of my head

 

[Sci-Fi]

Everybody does stupid things sometimes, you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. Lots of people quit Facebook then go back and leave again because they discover what some of us haven't it really is a useless social tool. There are so many fake people on there, and ones seeking attention and the like. You gave it another try and it didn't work out, at least you know. Now if you go back again...well...maybe... lol

 

[Naizo]

I already feel much much better having gotten that off my chest and having shut my facebook down so I dont have access to any way to contact her or see her. Here's hoping she has a full and happy life. <3

 

[TheLoadedDog]

Naizo, I've been there too. Relatively recently. Your experience fits almost to the exact last detail with mine. My life is infinitely better now, and I'm free. You're getting there too. Sucks at the time, but you WILL get there. Trust me on this one.

 

[Naizo]

I am feeling better I think it's really just facebook that gives me this constant sense of anxiety

 

[canadaman815]

If you really want to stay off of Facebook (which I know has helped a lot of people), have an accountability partner. Give someone your password and have them change it so you can't go on there, until you're ready to face it again. Some people end up staying off for good, which is totally fine if it's necessary. I definitely know what it's like to think suicidally after things didn't work out with a girl you had banked all your hopes on. Have you considered talking with someone to process it? I didn't talk to it to a counsellor until years later, but I learned a lot of things just by dissecting it and was soon able to move on, and I met my now wife within a couple years. Mild medication for depression and anxiety has also helped me out, and there's definitely no shame in seeking that out - a lot more people take it than you would think. Thanks for reaching out, and know that you're not alone. Always look to the horizon.

 

[VanillaCreme]

You don't have to do anything wrong for someone to not want to talk to you. That's a personal choice. You may know why, or you may never understand why, but he's able to make that choice. The thing about that is if you really want to spend time wondering why when accepting it and moving on is probably best.

 

[ardour]

i just feel so ******* useless and dont see the point in being around even if im afraid of that day where no matter what i do in my life ill just stop existing i get days where i just dont want to be alive because i ruined the one thing i had that i truly loved, didnt show her enough how much she meant to me, and now i have to accept that she's happy and no matter what i do there's no going back there's no going back at all, i ruined it and it kills me every time i think about her, every day i think to myself todays the day i do something good with my life and i just ******* fail again and again

Going by the emotion in your posts, it's more likely imo that you showed too much attachment to her. The guy she's with now probably couldn't care less about "showing her what she means to him".

It's common for people who are insecure to conclude that they mustn't have "done enough". It's a way to protect the ego: something you could have done but didn't. The other explanation iis harder to accept. I've been the same way most of my adult life.

You guys would have been, what, 19/20 at the time you broke up? That's not very old. You were both still maturing at that stage. Women are pretty good at moving on, and for people around that age 3 years is a long time. So she's getting messages from someone she dated from what seems like a long time ago, someone who can't let go. I don't think you're doing yourself any favours there.

And also, don't delete your facebook account again unless you're willing to stick with that decision. To be honest it would be confusing and annoying to keep getting friend requests like that.

Edit: There was someone from school I friend-requested about 8 years ago. He messaged me and seemed pretty friendly and interested in how I was. Told him about my mother's illness and everything. Then a couple of years later I noticed he'd deleted me  - fine, that's not unusual, people prune their friend lists all the time, but then I found that he'd gone and blocked me for no apparent reason.   People often reveal themselves to be weird, thoughtless, unpredictable, nasty. This guy evidently never liked me but didn't the have the guts to make that clear.

 

[morrowrd]

I deleted my facebook awhile ago because of a mixture of me not being able to get over my ex and me not having to deal with people, but I recently decided I would start one again and after just a few days what did I find? I had texted my ex -twice- and another old friend of mine who said they were going to message back when they got the chance a few months ago just straight up told me "Dude, stop. Get the hint." When I tried getting in touch with them. I had no idea i had even done anything wrong to them... 

My last message to my ex was that I wouldn't be bothering her and I just wanted to wish her well and that I knew trying to start up a facebook again would put me in a bad mindset but I did it anyways. That's basically all I said but I found out I just thought I was over it, though I am honestly happy for her and want her to be happy and don't even have that delusional nonsense mindset of trying to win her back anymore, but even just having the option to go look at her page completely ***** with my head man... Like I sent that first text saying I hope they're alright and instantly my whole mood got brought down, like deleting facebook in the first place was just a bandaid and making a new one ripped it off and showed me how ****** up I still really am as I started getting suicidal thoughts again and started remembering good and bad memories I have with her like laying out in the grass on a towel being a good one and her not even looking me in the eye the last time I saw her and only giving me a hug after I stood there for like thirty seconds and could just tell she wanted nothing to do with me anymore... 

Like its been three years man, she's not even the same person I was in love with anymore but I can't ******* get over her and I just wish I could. No matter all the ******** I heard from people that was probably lies anyways because people just like to cause drama and pain or a mixture of my friends just trying to make me feel better or like I could do better I just can't see her as anything but my old best friend I wanted to spend my life with and cant even ******* talk to anymore without having a mental break down. I can't stop ******* crying man. And I have a tendency to sit there and talk to my friends about her and how I feel and it just makes me feel like I'm gossiping and sharing personal **** with people who it isn't the business of just because I want my feelings to be heard by someone.

Some of them say it's okay and they'll listen but I know it's just ******* annoying of me to do it and disrespectful to my ex and I really just ******* hate myself every time I do it. One of them told me to keep fighting the good fight and that she'd kick herself "in the nuts" at some point when she realized how dedicated I was but I think she's happy with who she's with and doesn't really think about me anymore probably at all. It's just so ******* hard to let go when you really wanted to spend your life with someone but it didn't work out and now they're moved on and happy and you're still stuck thinking about them. Like it's not their fault but some days I just wanna be done with this life because I feel like I wasted my chance at being with who I REALLY wanted to be with and maybe there's another life where I can try again. I don't think so cause I'm not religious but it just doesn't feel ******* right, but I can't ever die from my own wishes because it would hurt my family and friends so I have to be there to try and bring them happiness but I can't get that true content happiness for myself no matter what I freakin' do man...

All the friends I re-added on there probably just think I'm ******* annoying by this point for going through and re adding them just to delete it but I honestly wanted to try and be able to reconnect with my friends but I can't apparently. I feel so ******* stupid. And ******* useless.

I've said so much stupid **** about her in my emotional anger too I wouldn't even want to look at myself I freakin' hate myself for getting so upset when all she wanted to do was be happy and just wasn't happy with me and I couldn't respect that, I ******' hate myself for that man. Like even when someone tries to flirt with me nowadays I just don't find myself attracted to anyone at all because I harbor all these feelings for her that I can't let go. It feels like cheating when I try to like someone else. It makes me feel terrible, even moreseo when they actually like me and I can't like them back at all how they want.

One of the problems with outcasts and introverts - loners, are that their worlds are so much smaller than everyone else's.  Your ex girlfriend for instance, became your whole world, your best friend, and it's a much bigger loss to you with the breakup, than for her.  Girls in general, have a longer list of options then men do. (You didn't lose your girl, you lost your turn - for instance).

As a loner myself, I speak from experience.  I used to be frustrated when friendships and relationships ended or failed, and the other person seemed to be able to just move on without much effort.  And there I am, thinking and over thinking about what I possibly did, was I really that annoying or offensive that I deserved to be cut out of that person's life so abruptly.  While the point of this post isn't about how we don't see ourselves as others see us, it is a valid piece of information to add to the cogs and wheels of the big picture.  It's a part of why we don't understand the treatment we feel we don't deserve.   As for the core of this post, options - how big your social world is, usually helps if you've decided to cut someone off.  If your ex girlfriend for instance, has for example, a social circle of say 20 people, a rough mixture of male and female,  and say another 15 or 20 acquaintances, the vacuum is easier to fill if she is at all grieving over the loss caused by the ending of your relationship.  The distractions and support net is there to insulate her somewhat.  Then there is the possibility that she was done with the relationship and you didn't see it.  And her feelings and emotional investing expired, and moving on would be then something less than easy.

Then there is you, the introvert with almost nobody in your social circle, except of course her.  And that makes a much bigger hole to fill because with her leaving, you lose everything as opposed to her loss.  There's the difference. And moving on becomes a much bigger project, the temptation to contact your ex is a much bigger draw, than it is for her.  You end up looking like a stalker - especially three years later where you're still grieving.  Somehow, you have to move on, you have to force yourself.  Get rid of Facebook again, don't bring it back until you are honestly able to stop torturing yourself by looking at your ex's profile.  You're going to have to start working on yourself, and while your at it, use online dating.  Go on dates without any preconceived idea that this person is going to end up in a relationship with you. Go out and enjoy the time, ask questions, listen, and do low key activities.  Join planet fitness or someplace similar, like the Y and insert a workout program out in a public setting, to add to your daily routine.  Fill your time with things to do, as much as is reasonably possible, and start getting over this previous relationship. Move on, and get strong.  It's' not impossible, it just takes some effort on your part.

 

[Joturbo]

Just thought I'd add that the lady I was nuts about fell in love with I saw twenty five years later at an event she just appeared around the corner just as stunning as before ,it was quite a shock I'll say.But there was nothing..felt no emotion at all not a single percentage of feeling for her all that infatuation rest of our life stuff as though had never happened and probably because I hadn't seen her in all that time.

Out of sight out of mind.......

 

[Naizo]

Is there any way I could get this thread deleted or whatever? Lol sorry, It's a little weird to have my freak out moment sitting there forever

 

[wallflower79]

Is there any way I could get this thread deleted or whatever? Lol sorry, It's a little weird to have my freak out moment sitting there forever

Sorry, the policy is to keep your freakouts on here forever. You can just hope that they get buried.

 

[Naizo]

Ah well, it's not like my ex hasnt heard about how much I freaked out from likely 900000 different sources. She heard that I was going around saying we had broke up and that's part of why she dumped me after all (a total lie, and Im not a violent person but watch me ever catch the person who told that lie. She wouldn't ever tell me, which is smart, but also likely means it was just a fabrication to give justification to something that should've been as easy as saying "I don't want to be together anymore." Rather than trying to make me into a villain to make it feel okay. Which ****** with me for a long time. Still does. But **** it, I'm happy.

 

[VanillaCreme]

We rarely delete entire threads, but I'll go ahead and close it for you.