I lost track, this is a recovery retry...

[TheMiddleman]

Hello, my new virtual friends! I am Daniel from Romania currently living in the UK and this is my approach to the constant anger/disappointment and frustration that have taken over my life lately, in the past 2 years or so. I was feeling lonely and here I was finding myself doing something I haven't done in over a decade, googled the term "I feel lonely" and here I was, this was amongst the first results and I tried reading some of the stories and made up my mind, is time for me to also share my story and see what takes does someone else have on it...


In order to understand me, you need to keep in mind that the term "black sheep of the family" was always there when it comes to me. I have been a rebel most of my life, fighting to get things done on my own no matter what. I was 7 when my parents divorced, my father took the custody of the kids since my mother was too sick ( catatonic schizophrenia) and being a young and restless man  ( an idiot at the time being) he has forbidden us to see our mother.  Years have passed and things turned for the worst, my father couldn't cope with raising three boys and violence was not a stranger in my home, I was about 12 when I first said "I had it", and this is when I took off. Spent over a year as a homeless kid in the train station, I was looking for my mom but things were not looking too good,  this time of my life is a whole another story filled with crazy stories but one that I am not going to dissect now. Is enough for me to say that after almost two years on the street I managed to find my mom, she was living in a foundation that was taking care of the mentally ill patients so living with her was not an option. returning to my father was an option that ended with me beaten up again after my first try to come home so here comes the orphanage. I got back in school but due to a ****** situation, I see myself forced to fleed in the first year of high school, being expelled for beating the principal. ( Yeah, I was a handful...) This is where I literally decide to start making some changes so here I am at 16 starting my first money making venture. It was dangerous, it was paying good and it gave me a direction, one that I will change when I turn 18 and realize how close I am to going to jail. This is when I was old enough to have a job, no matter the industry and since I was good with words and communication I started working in the adult cam industry. First as a model, then a trainer, then owned a studio and before I knew it I was doing quite a good job there, this is why I worked in the industry for about 17 years. I was doing alright professionally even if my life started to look surprisingly similar with my fathers, I also got divorced, I have two kids but I learned my lesson and my kids have not been through the **** storm I was subjected too. Quite a scramble story, right? And you have no idea how much I need to leave out....

In this whole time I had one major accomplishment, it took me almost a decade but I managed to help my mother overcome her disease, get to know her kids again, had her and my father at the same table after so many years, our messed up family was somehow normal and things have been good. My mom being reunited with her sons got better and over the course of the last 20 years she had become a little hero in our circle of friends, she was optimistic, never hatefull and always ready to listen to you and give you a bit of advice. She loved card reading, fortune telling things so she had many friends ...after all this time life was not good but at least, decent. This was till last Easter...

She insisted in spending the Easter with all of us so I made it happen, she made the best food, had the best arrangements and she was feeling perfect, such a lovely time she offered that I know for sure she knew what was about to happen... Right after Easter she gets a heart problem and she gets an emergency heart surgery where she had literally about 20% chance to make it and she did. We have been happy but she was still not good... I guess it is safe to safe it was her time no matter the effort on our side, after a mistake we have learned what was really the problem. Lung cancer, spread through all the organs... in the day the doctor gave us the news cancer had touched the brain also and this was the begging of a long 3 months constant tri tp the hospital, she had a slow and painless end and we were there all the way. She understood what happens to her and as she showed us in her life also you need to have the courage to embrace everything that comes your way, this is why out latest memories with our mom are very happy ones even if she was dying. We made jokes, pushed her in the wheelchair, smoked a joint with her (she knew we all love weed but she was afraid to try it yet when she knew the time is almost done she asked us to share one and so we did.... it was fun for us, she didn't know how to handle it and was a bit awkward but here we were, laughing in front of the problems. Life made us strong, e carried out the process in such a way that even the people at the hospital and everyone that knew us told us that thanks to us they now know how to handle death... It was the most beautiful death ever, maybe not beautiful is not the word but I remember how pleased my mother was to see tens of people visiting her dying bed and saying Goodbye, she made peace with everything ( even with my father, on her last "comeback" he got have my father, brothers and son all around her bed, it was when I asked her the only thing that was on my mind all this time, I looked at her and asked :

- ARE YOU HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU LEAVE BEHIND, ARE YOU AT PEACE?

She looked at us and with her last powers screamed in the hospital room : YESSSSS!!!!!

And smiled bg, once again our lioness showed us how to treat life and how to treat death. I thought I had it, I left Romania two months later being overwhelmed by debts, anger, depression and tired of the concept of Money. I literally threw everything away when I see that no matter how much money I had it was nothing in front of the death. Anyway, moved to the UK for about 4-5 months n and for a while it was ok, I ot a job, a real job for the first time in my life and here I was working. Being a businessman most of my life opportunity found me and someone literally got me in two e-commerce business that is ready to launch. I was supposed to make everything works I was sure I am being back on my feet./... yet here I am 35 years, writing this with big ****** tears in my eyes... I lost my support and feel so damn alone... And it sucks, when you are the man of the family when you weight 100 kilos and look like a thug
when, you used to be the help for everything it really sucks not knowing how or where to look for help. I am here with two business opportunities, I know my kids rely on me, I have so man reasons to go forward and yet here I am after 2 weeks trying to restart everything literally losing time. I am good at the **** I do, I know that no matter the industry I can make business but I seriously don't give me any motivation, This thing has broken my health too.... I don't know what to do next so I thought expressing myself online will help. At least I managed to cry, I was holding up too much...

Oh, just so you get the following two months after my mother's death. I lost my business, our dog died with cancer literally two weeks later, my girlfriend left me cause I was a mess and the list can continue. Yeah, 2018 was my Keanu Reeves year that is for sure..

Damn, a lot more where this story is coming from. I keep thinking that I should make the story public, it surely makes you see problems in life with another perspective/...

Anyway, thanks for offering me the place to explode and lay everything out...

 

[Aldeb]

I'm from Romania also but I never left. I had a breakdown after turning 30 weeks ago. Started going to the gym and fixing myself up. Finding a therapist would be my first goal if I were you. You could plan some actual strategies. Losing the weight and getting your game back on would be secondary. The way I lost weight was simply buying tiny amounts of food every day so I don't eat too much, w/ no sweets. chips, ice cream and all that crap. If you're a compulsive eater you do that alleviate stress. I don't know what else to say.

 

[TheMiddleman]

Thanks for the reply. Truth being said even just writing and letting this here did make me feel a little better. Don't get me wrong though, I never had a problem with my weight I do weight around 90-100 kilo at a 1.74 height but most the weight comes from the bones I guess. But indeed going to the gym is in my plan also. I also signed up to a lot of meetups this month, I guess going out and meeting new people will do the trick. Right now I pay the price for being an ignorant idiot a lot of years, I kept having tooth problems and did nothing and right now that is my main priority because things did go downhill with that also.

Look, on one hand, I know that I have it in me and that I will overcome this as I did with all the major things in my life, the only problem is that now I literally lose too much time thinking about **** rather than doing something, but I tell you this, nobody even has to answer...if posting here every now and then gives me the chilling feel I had since I posted it I'll do it more often...

Thanks for taking your time to answer. Glad you managed to resist staying back home, I just left disgusted by many things, at least here I might be an immigrant but I am being respected and appreciated for my work, I don't see myself coming back home anytime soon.

Oh, the therapist would be great bur right now I need to invest everything I make in fixing the mistakes of the past, damn teeth are killing me

 

[user 150037]

TheMiddleman - what you said about your mother moved me.

I lost my dad to cancer back in 2013. We'd originally thought he'd suffered a minor stroke because he starting having difficulty using of one of his hands - but it turned out to be a brain tumor pressing on that region of his brain. I can still remember that Sunday when we sat down to lunch, and he kept dropping his fork because he was having trouble moving his fingers. He also mentioned a pain he'd been having in his side - which he'd put down to carrying heavy luggage (we had recently been on holiday) - that turned to be liver cancer - which was also in his esophagus. He had chemo: it only gave him 4 - 5 months with us - but we made the most of him in that time. I even managed to get some quality father/son time with him when he gave up work and it was just the two of us - which formed some nice memories.

Anyway, welcome to the forum

 

[TheMiddleman]

Is amazing how so few persons die of an old age nowadays, this damn cancer seems to get everyone ( I do believe that this disease can be controlled but they don't want too, they have a good tool to manage the world population... Yeah, I just love a good conspiracy theory, lol) I am so sorry to hear about your dad but I was smiling when you said about having the father-son time, I was also lucky having a lot of good memories with my mom. They will always live through us and the ones that follow us, I find it surprising how often I see now my mom's "things" in my son, in me, my brothers, etc... Is good to know she is still there as I am sure your father's print is in those around you.

We didn't get to the chemo, at the time of her death she had around 9 different diagnoses aside from cancer and it was too late for it anyway, it was a transition from life to death...

Damn, I could be talking hours about all this, I have re-read my message and just saw for myself how low I was feeling that day, today I am better and I really think that placing these words here helped me understand some things and see things a little differently. I suggest this to everyone going through a phase, write it down.. no matter how good your writing skills is, no matter how good your grammar is, just put everything down, give it a day or two and re-read your message, is like a conversation with yourself, so you can be sure you get the information you need from the most trusted source, hehe..

Is been a long time since I been a member of a forum but I really think I am going to stay, I like it. Thanks for the welcome...

 

[user 150037]

Definitely true about seeing my dad in my brother - he and his wife have since had two kids, and the way my brother interacts with his son, I can definitely see my dad in him.

It does help to get your words out. And I'm glad that you're sticking around.