I may have figured out my problem

[onmyown1979]

Alright, I've always been a friendly and approachable guy. I smile alot(probably too much) and I'm not afraid to start conversations with women I'm interested in in general. Once I talk I can be open, funny, kind and helpful...and unfortunately this may be why I'm having trouble finding a relationship. Just hear me out.

My theory is that I think I try too hard to be sociable and friendly with women I'm interested in to get them to like my personality and to let them know that 'Hey, I'm a friendly dude, I'm kind and I have a good sense of humor'. I think that women feel that I'm putting on a front and that deep down I'm hiding something bad of myself and have even been told 'You smile alot and you're always nice and friendly but I don't think I can trust you'. In 33 years of life I've been this way and have never screwed over anyone deliberately, yet when women who have known me for years and who can say that I'm consistent still feel that I'm 'hiding something'.

On the flip side, women who I'm not really interested in but who are still good people and I feel I'm just as friendly, are into me and want to be with me relationship wise but it wasn't the right fit for me, and my theory for this is because I wasn't trying too hard to get them to like me. Since I wasn't attracted like that I put the charm meter at 50% compares to 100%.

So it may work and it may not, but I need to tone down the wit and friendliness initially and be lukewarm to ladies I'm interested in. Maybe they won't think I'm nice because I escaped from the asylum and trying to lure them to my house of horrors, lol

 

[Case]

Alright, I've always been a friendly and approachable guy. I smile alot(probably too much) and I'm not afraid to start conversations with women I'm interested in in general. Once I talk I can be open, funny, kind and helpful...and unfortunately this may be why I'm having trouble finding a relationship. Just hear me out.

My theory is that I think I try too hard to be sociable and friendly with women I'm interested in to get them to like my personality and to let them know that 'Hey, I'm a friendly dude, I'm kind and I have a good sense of humor'. I think that women feel that I'm putting on a front and that deep down I'm hiding something bad of myself and have even been told 'You smile alot and you're always nice and friendly but I don't think I can trust you'. In 33 years of life I've been this way and have never screwed over anyone deliberately, yet when women who have known me for years and who can say that I'm consistent still feel that I'm 'hiding something'.

On the flip side, women who I'm not really interested in but who are still good people and I feel I'm just as friendly, are into me and want to be with me relationship wise but it wasn't the right fit for me, and my theory for this is because I wasn't trying too hard to get them to like me. Since I wasn't attracted like that I put the charm meter at 50% compares to 100%.

So it may work and it may not, but I need to tone down the wit and friendliness initially and be lukewarm to ladies I'm interested in. Maybe they won't think I'm nice because I escaped from the asylum and trying to lure them to my house of horrors, lol

I think that's a solid theory for a go-ahead process. If you seem to attract people with a 50% charm level, and you don't seem to attract people you like with a 100% charm level, I think it's a great idea to try the 50% idea on someone you are atracted to and see how it goes.

 

[Dr. Life]

I think you're over-thinking everything. You need to stop viewing your personality like a control panel where you dial certain behaviors up and down. That kind of 'living in your own head' is detriment. It's not your fault as you've probably not had that much experience, thus relationships seem like this foreign, mystical frontier. Simply indulge in being a regular, social human being and the situations will evolve organically.

 

[Peaches]

this is exactly my problem! since a while I put an effort and sometimes just look at people seriously, without so much of a smile, but I forgot to do it lately. It is not so much as a control panel, Dr Life, but I agree that the ultimate cause is living too much in one's mind: after one builds a front for many years, it is really difficult to let it go, and one needs to make a conscious effort to stop putting up the fake face. In my case also the perpetual smile and friendly attitude, it is not that appealing to guys either, because it's inhuman.

 

[edamame721]

I'm a bit similar in that I become very friendly and caring towards people I'm interested in. I've always thought I was very obvious but some people have just passed it off as simple friendliness, not knowing I do not always act this way with everyone.

You seem to be making an effort with the women you're attracted to and aren't "hiding" anything. Maybe these women have been burned before and are suspicious just because you seem too good to be true. I'd suggest talking about something personal once you get to know them, to show them some of your vulnerability or difficulties. This shows you trust them and they may come to trust you.

As for the women you're not interested in, I feel sorry for them, but I think it's just that you simply didn't click.

 

[onmyown1979]

@Case, more than likely ill try that approach but it'll take some time get use to because I'm not use to being that way.

@Dr. Life, I do agree that I tend to I over think things sometimes, I was just going off my experience. It just seems to be my common denominator that if I'm nice I'm mistrusted.

@Peaches, it is hard to stop and change after doing them lifelong. I need to try to be friendly without smiling so much, I don't know.

@Edamame, I thought about that they may have been burned before but I wonder if anything ever did become serious would they carry that with them and always be underlying suspicious of me.