I need help. I feel invisible to women.

[Tachyonprince]

I am a 26-year-old guy from Mumbai, India. I am large and not handsome (I intentionally avoid the words fat and ugly) in appearance. I have dealt with social anxiety and inferiority complex since I can remember. I have an introverted personality. It is hard for me to approach someone and make random talk.

I have a dysfunctional relationship with my father. He is dominant and reckless in his manner of lifestyle choices and he takes his family along for the ride. He likes to maintain control in what the family members do or what choices we make. He’s not a bad father but his actions have had severe consequences as far as I am concerned. When I was little we used to go to my dad’s friends’ childrens birthday parties. I also used to request my father to have a party on my birthday but it never happened. My father was always busy with his work, in his factory. When I asked for a birthday party he finally said that shenanigans like these are for high class people only, spending money on tantrums and showing off their money. You should just invite them for lunch, feed them cake and get it over with.

And this was the case with everything, vacations (I have not seen any place in India except my hometown and Mumbai), home renovations, buying nice stuff for ourselves, etc. I was too small for these things. My family wasn’t exactly poor. We have two successful medium-scale businesses in the city. I grew up believing that my classmates and friends were super rich. They went to vacations, had parties, bought cool stuff for themselves. I felt intimidated by their presence (I still do).

I still kind of believe that I have no place among those “rich cool kids” a term that I will use many a times in this answer. This feeling grew over time and when I realized that my father’s mentality was not correct, I tried to tell him and thus began our dysfunctional relationship. With my anti-social properties and introversion i began to fear confrontation with my peers. I believed (still do sometimes) there is no place for me among them. I developed chronic depression and eating disorders which made me fat.

Lack of female attention

In school I had a hard time talking to a girl. A very hard time. I got laughed at and ridiculed by every girl I attempted to interact with. Whenever I started a conversation I used to get a bland response like as if she’s responding just for the sake of it. It was simple that she didn’t take any interest in the conversation with me.

In school I was a non-existent entity. I wasn’t good at studies nor sports. I had some luck in art but the “rich cool kids” excelled at that too. I tried very very hard to beat them at the game of life, to be a step ahead than them, then perhaps the girls would think “perhaps he’s not such a bad guy after all. Let me talk to him”. The girls always seemed to be closer with the “rich cool kids” . Guys with confidence because they didn’t get ridiculed by the girls. They never develop a relationship with me like they do with the “rich cool kids”. I then decided I would pretend to be rich and upmarket so they would think I’m cool. It didn’t work. I tried my best to fit in. To be a part of the crowd which I was cast out of. It didn’t work.

I wasn’t a creep or a pervert. I just want a girl to be friends with me as she is with other “rich cool boys”. This story depicts how I was perceived by the girls of my school

In high school (12th class) I had this friend who was good looking and average scorer. We hung out together in school. He had no problems socializing with girls and had a few female friends which avoided talking to him because of that creep he hung out with (me). I have massive respect for that guy. Let’s call him Arun.

One day a pretty girl comes to me and gets all chatty and friendly with me. I was thrilled. I finally felt accepted. It felt as though I was being promoted from an underground mine to a 65 floor posh office building. I was shy and I tread very carefully so as not to offend her. I treated my first female friend with utmost respect. A few days later we went to watch a movie. Me, She and Arun. She completely ignored me when with Arun. Arun being one of the “rich cool kids”, pretty girls found it hard to talk to him. It became clear to me that She had gotten closer to me with just one agenda - Arun. I decided I would give her a piece of my mind the next time I saw or talked to her. She never did contact me after that as she had found her opening to talk to Arun. She used me.

This story is one of many similar stories which highlight my interaction with girls. I joked with Arun that I should organize a fair where the ladies would bid for a date night with him. At least I would make some money out of mu misery.

Another story

In college, I was fortunate enough to be part of the group of cool people of the class due the fact that I was friends with the most wanted guy of the class.

We were a group of 5. 2 girls and 3 guys. The girls, as far as aesthetics are concerned, weren’t too high on the looks. They were average. But still I felt intimidated by them at first. Soon as college progressed I felt less and less intimidated. Even managed to initiate conversation and talk.

After some time I thought we really were becoming friends. I called them, we talked, every time. That was the problem, every time I was the one who called. They never did call or initiate a conversation. I stopped calling and our interactions were limited to simple ‘hi’ and ‘hello’. I was cool with it until at the time of graduation ceremony when one of the girls caught up with me (I was hanging out alone after receiving my degree). She behaved as if we were life long friends who drifted apart from one another after school and ran into each other at a function. This is what she said

“Hey how are you? Long time. Why did you stop calling us? You missed all the fun we had in the group. Don’t be so distant. We are your friends. We like you blah, blah, blah…”

I said nothing in reply to this. That poor thing still doesn’t have a ******* clue that it is not I who stopped contact. I stopped being the only person who initiates the contact. After I stopped initiating contact, never once did she or any other of my so called “friends” gave a ******* **** about me. If they had they would have called me up. I don’t know if this is only me but I expect some effort from the other side as well to maintain a relationship.

To prove that this would only happen to me I convinced my guy friend in that group to stopped all communication with the girls. And guess what, they immediately called him and asked whats wrong and why hasn’t he been replying to their messages, which implied that they texted very often.

I always see pictures of my male friends hanging out with the female friends in Facebook and Instagram and felt bad about my life and style. It made me angry that I cannot have that kind relationship with those girls. I was always intimidated by the girls on social media. I then decided I would pretend to be rich and upmarket so they would think I’m cool. Posting pictures that showed off the logo of “iPhone”. It made me angry that I could not get female friends like those.

I am constantly reminded of my fathers words that I am smaller than every other being on the planet. You can see on Instagram, the photos of these girls. I get the feeling that they judge me and think I am way below their class. If they think otherwise wouldn’t they have a conversation? I still get the the feeling that they are laughing at me, judging me, mocking me - “We're too good for you, you fat loser! We are richer, we have high standards, you are scum! We'd rather date a burnt log than go out with you! ”. I started having panic attacks when I first moved to Mumbai. The girls here reminded me what a loser I am when it came to women. 3 years in Mumbai and now I hate women. Yeah you can call me a misogynist.

I tried Tinder too. I thought finally someone will initiate contact with me without the uneasiness of physical meetups. But i was wrong. I used the app for 6 whole months without getting a single match. I thought I would get better results in Mumbai as the girls are supposed to be more open minded. Well guess what, girls in Mumbai are ****** as well.

Soon I gave up trying to “get” female attention. If I got it, good. If not, the world hasn’t ended. But people like me don’t just “get” female attention. I’ll be damned if a girl/woman approached me to say hi or takes interest in being friends with me. My only mistake was I tried to fit in despite of my mediocre appearance and intellect. The concept of fake it till you make it didn’t work for me. I faked the confidence I didn’t have but got nothing.

I lost something when I made that decision. I was no longer concerned with trying to attract girls. Whenever a pretty girl is in the vicinity I either turn away or leave the place altogether. I cannot bear the feelings of inferiority I get. I don’t bother to initiate contact with any girl. If I do have to interact with a girl for work purposes I keep it strictly professional. I discuss only work and avoid casual talk in the most respectful way possible but still come off as a jerk. But I don’t even care anymore.

I have learnt one thing. You need to have money to get a pretty girl. That is the harsh truth. I have never had a girlfriend. Don’t know what the **** a relationship means. As far as physical intimacy is concerned, I have considered paid companionship for a long a time.

 

[VeganLass]

Hi, beauty is only relative and you can definitely lose weight (that's totally in your hands!) and lots of women like quiet guys. Also internet dating can be a good solution as it gives you a chance to connect with someone from the privacy of your home and there might just be a lady there feeling exactly the same way as you do longing to meet someone she could relate to. Volunteering can be a great way to meet new people and boost your confidence and self worth.

 

[Valkatox]

While self improvement is always good, such as losing weight. I noticed you mentioned about hating women, and you should probably try and tone that back as much as possible as that will only eat at you, and you'll end up bitter which won't help your dating chances.

For me personally I've always happened to have more female friends than male. Not through actively seeking it out that way. I guess I just have more in common with the former. Maybe the dislike of talking about football and sports all day. xD
But any relationships I've ever had have formed through friendship, not with the view of dating someone from the get go. Heck my last relationship was just that, long distance for five years. A friend who admitted to me that she had fallen for me.

The cliche' being that someone will appear when your not looking rings true. As it seems you have a sort of obsession with wanting to be with someone, which from your post seems understandable as to why. But just focus on self improvement, don't worry about the money thing (as honestly, would you want to be with a girl who just wants you for money anyway)?
And focus on just making friends rather than jumping right in with wanting to date every girl. Otherwise it might come across as desperate, and that's not an attractive factor to most people. Which would just add to putting them off.

 

[ardour]

First thing: men have be the initiators 95% of time and this still holds true to some extent with female friends. Very few women are willing to reach out due to wanting to avoid rejection at all costs. Don't take it personally, it's just the way it is. Women generally only initiate with very attractive men or those they've known and trusted for years.

Also what appears on social media is very much 'top slicing'; cherrry-picked moments used to present a facade of social success. I've had photos taken in bars with people I barely knew, yet to the observer it would've looked we were best of friends having a great time.

Men get by on their confidence. and you're clearly you've been been affected in this because of your father. Might want to think about that one a bit more instead of obsessively focussing on what appears over facebook/instagram.

 

[user 150037]

TachyonPrince, I can sort of relate with you in the sense that I never had any kind of attention from girls. But the boys in my school were worse - it was the boys who bullied me relentlessly. Only my problem was looking young for my age due to insufficient puberty.

I agree with what Ardour says about sites like facebook and instagram. They're just an illusion. What you see is people having fun, but what you don't see are the troubles that those people face outside of social media. Plus the fact that a lot of social relationships can be quite superficial - that's why there are so many people who say that they're lonely despite apparently having lots of 'friends'.

Btw: men who have money don't get the girls - they get gold-diggers. There's a difference.

 

[Zorananda]

I agree with the previous responses about social media potentially being very misleading and about internet dating being potentially valuable for someone in your position. I had some luck with internet dating / chatting because when in person I couldn't (and still can't) come off as normally socially adjusted and/or confident with women (or anyone really).

Also, it's a sad reality that many people are superficial to varying degrees and are primarily attracted to things that aren't a core part of someone's personality and have no bearing on their moral character, so unfortunately there's not much to do about it. In your case you can try to lose weight but other factors like money, status and especially confidence are still going to play a role. If there are ways to deal with confidence issues I certainly don't know about them as I was also badly raised by bad parents and I subsequently never overcame the problems they imposed upon me. However, it is still possible to find a girlfriend who makes your life valuable and who might even happen to be decent looking. For example, there are girls who also lack confidence who go on dating sites who might find a connection with you. I would give that a try and also consider finding ways to recover from whatever problems your father imposed onto you.

 

[Azariah]

Like father not always like sun

 

[Aldeb]

I agree with the previous responses about social media potentially being very misleading and about internet dating being potentially valuable for someone in your position. I had some luck with internet dating / chatting because when in person I couldn't (and still can't) come off as normally socially adjusted and/or confident with women (or anyone really).

Internet dating is a joke. I never tried it, but I did browse through the profiles. It's almost entirely men, especially on tinder. It's why average guys get matched with 40-50 year old women, and why 80% of women get matched with 20% of hot chad dudes. Here's the thing. If you're online to get a date because you're dysfunctional IRL, then you're already competing against average guys AND dysfunctional men with no dating game. If you, however, get close/approach/ask out women IRL then your odds are better immediately better because you're doing something that those no game guys lurking on tinder won't do. You have to be AVERAGE in the online dating scene to get matched with women you probably wouldn't date anyway. If you're fat and unattractive, online dating is pointless.

instead you should:.
1. Live on your own, make your own money.
2. Lose the weight. Stop eating bad foods. Potentially hit the gym.

Do this for a few months to get your confidence up and eventually you can meet someone and be in a relationship.

 

[Zorananda]

I agree with the previous responses about social media potentially being very misleading and about internet dating being potentially valuable for someone in your position. I had some luck with internet dating / chatting because when in person I couldn't (and still can't) come off as normally socially adjusted and/or confident with women (or anyone really).

Internet dating is a joke. I never tried it, but I did browse through the profiles. It's almost entirely men, especially on tinder. It's why average guys get matched with 40-50 year old women, and why 80% of women get matched with 20% of hot chad dudes. Here's the thing. If you're online to get a date because you're dysfunctional IRL, then you're already competing against average guys AND dysfunctional men with no dating game. If you, however, get close/approach/ask out women IRL then your odds are better immediately better because you're doing something that those no game guys lurking on tinder won't do. You have to be AVERAGE in the online dating scene to get matched with women you probably wouldn't date anyway. If you're fat and unattractive, online dating is pointless.

instead you should:.
1. Live on your own, make your own money.
2. Lose the weight. Stop eating bad foods. Potentially hit the gym.

Do this for a few months to get your confidence up and eventually you can meet someone and be in a relationship.

I don't disagree with you but I was thinking more about internet dating in which the women are looking for long term relationships.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

While self improvement is always good, such as losing weight. I noticed you mentioned about hating women, and you should probably try and tone that back as much as possible as that will only eat at you, and you'll end up bitter which won't help your dating chances.

Exactly, OP. Not sure if you're familiar with the term "incel" at all, but you should look it up. They are the most perfect representation of what never to do, think, or feel if you truly want a connection with a female.

 

[sriguhan]

As a fellow Indian, I can see what you've been going through as it isn't uncommon in our society. 
But the fact that you've openly admitted to your misogyny bothers me, sorry if I am being rude. 
The solution to your problem is obvious : work on getting into shape and groom yourself to be likable. 
The anecdotes you have described, the antagonists could have very well been guys too.  
I have been used by men more than women, that's just how some people are - parasites looking for viable hosts to get what they want. 
You're young dude, it's not too late; in fact , it's never late to try again. Don't lose hope, do what is to be done and all the best!

 

[SquareBin]

I am a 26-year-old guy from Mumbai, India. I am large and not handsome (I intentionally avoid the words fat and ugly) in appearance. I have dealt with social anxiety and inferiority complex since I can remember. I have an introverted personality. It is hard for me to approach someone and make random talk.

I have a dysfunctional relationship with my father. He is dominant and reckless in his manner of lifestyle choices and he takes his family along for the ride. He likes to maintain control in what the family members do or what choices we make. He’s not a bad father but his actions have had severe consequences as far as I am concerned. When I was little we used to go to my dad’s friends’ childrens birthday parties. I also used to request my father to have a party on my birthday but it never happened. My father was always busy with his work, in his factory. When I asked for a birthday party he finally said that shenanigans like these are for high class people only, spending money on tantrums and showing off their money. You should just invite them for lunch, feed them cake and get it over with.

And this was the case with everything, vacations (I have not seen any place in India except my hometown and Mumbai), home renovations, buying nice stuff for ourselves, etc. I was too small for these things. My family wasn’t exactly poor. We have two successful medium-scale businesses in the city. I grew up believing that my classmates and friends were super rich. They went to vacations, had parties, bought cool stuff for themselves. I felt intimidated by their presence (I still do).

I still kind of believe that I have no place among those “rich cool kids” a term that I will use many a times in this answer. This feeling grew over time and when I realized that my father’s mentality was not correct, I tried to tell him and thus began our dysfunctional relationship. With my anti-social properties and introversion i began to fear confrontation with my peers. I believed (still do sometimes) there is no place for me among them. I developed chronic depression and eating disorders which made me fat.

Lack of female attention

In school I had a hard time talking to a girl. A very hard time. I got laughed at and ridiculed by every girl I attempted to interact with. Whenever I started a conversation I used to get a bland response like as if she’s responding just for the sake of it. It was simple that she didn’t take any interest in the conversation with me.

In school I was a non-existent entity. I wasn’t good at studies nor sports. I had some luck in art but the “rich cool kids” excelled at that too. I tried very very hard to beat them at the game of life, to be a step ahead than them, then perhaps the girls would think “perhaps he’s not such a bad guy after all. Let me talk to him”. The girls always seemed to be closer with the “rich cool kids” . Guys with confidence because they didn’t get ridiculed by the girls. They never develop a relationship with me like they do with the “rich cool kids”. I then decided I would pretend to be rich and upmarket so they would think I’m cool. It didn’t work. I tried my best to fit in. To be a part of the crowd which I was cast out of. It didn’t work.

I wasn’t a creep or a pervert. I just want a girl to be friends with me as she is with other “rich cool boys”. This story depicts how I was perceived by the girls of my school

In high school (12th class) I had this friend who was good looking and average scorer. We hung out together in school. He had no problems socializing with girls and had a few female friends which avoided talking to him because of that creep he hung out with (me). I have massive respect for that guy. Let’s call him Arun.

One day a pretty girl comes to me and gets all chatty and friendly with me. I was thrilled. I finally felt accepted. It felt as though I was being promoted from an underground mine to a 65 floor posh office building. I was shy and I tread very carefully so as not to offend her. I treated my first female friend with utmost respect. A few days later we went to watch a movie. Me, She and Arun. She completely ignored me when with Arun. Arun being one of the “rich cool kids”, pretty girls found it hard to talk to him. It became clear to me that She had gotten closer to me with just one agenda - Arun. I decided I would give her a piece of my mind the next time I saw or talked to her. She never did contact me after that as she had found her opening to talk to Arun. She used me.

This story is one of many similar stories which highlight my interaction with girls. I joked with Arun that I should organize a fair where the ladies would bid for a date night with him. At least I would make some money out of mu misery.

Another story

In college, I was fortunate enough to be part of the group of cool people of the class due the fact that I was friends with the most wanted guy of the class.

We were a group of 5. 2 girls and 3 guys. The girls, as far as aesthetics are concerned, weren’t too high on the looks. They were average. But still I felt intimidated by them at first. Soon as college progressed I felt less and less intimidated. Even managed to initiate conversation and talk.

After some time I thought we really were becoming friends. I called them, we talked, every time. That was the problem, every time I was the one who called. They never did call or initiate a conversation. I stopped calling and our interactions were limited to simple ‘hi’ and ‘hello’. I was cool with it until at the time of graduation ceremony when one of the girls caught up with me (I was hanging out alone after receiving my degree). She behaved as if we were life long friends who drifted apart from one another after school and ran into each other at a function. This is what she said

“Hey how are you? Long time. Why did you stop calling us? You missed all the fun we had in the group. Don’t be so distant. We are your friends. We like you blah, blah, blah…”

I said nothing in reply to this. That poor thing still doesn’t have a ******* clue that it is not I who stopped contact. I stopped being the only person who initiates the contact. After I stopped initiating contact, never once did she or any other of my so called “friends” gave a ******* honeysuckle about me. If they had they would have called me up. I don’t know if this is only me but I expect some effort from the other side as well to maintain a relationship.

To prove that this would only happen to me I convinced my guy friend in that group to stopped all communication with the girls. And guess what, they immediately called him and asked whats wrong and why hasn’t he been replying to their messages, which implied that they texted very often.

I always see pictures of my male friends hanging out with the female friends in Facebook and Instagram and felt bad about my life and style. It made me angry that I cannot have that kind relationship with those girls. I was always intimidated by the girls on social media. I then decided I would pretend to be rich and upmarket so they would think I’m cool. Posting pictures that showed off the logo of “iPhone”. It made me angry that I could not get female friends like those.

I am constantly reminded of my fathers words that I am smaller than every other being on the planet. You can see on Instagram, the photos of these girls. I get the feeling that they judge me and think I am way below their class. If they think otherwise wouldn’t they have a conversation? I still get the the feeling that they are laughing at me, judging me, mocking me - “We're too good for you, you fat loser! We are richer, we have high standards, you are scum! We'd rather date a burnt log than go out with you! ”. I started having panic attacks when I first moved to Mumbai. The girls here reminded me what a loser I am when it came to women. 3 years in Mumbai and now I hate women. Yeah you can call me a misogynist.

I tried Tinder too. I thought finally someone will initiate contact with me without the uneasiness of physical meetups. But i was wrong. I used the app for 6 whole months without getting a single match. I thought I would get better results in Mumbai as the girls are supposed to be more open minded. Well guess what, girls in Mumbai are ****** as well.

Soon I gave up trying to “get” female attention. If I got it, good. If not, the world hasn’t ended. But people like me don’t just “get” female attention. I’ll be damned if a girl/woman approached me to say hi or takes interest in being friends with me. My only mistake was I tried to fit in despite of my mediocre appearance and intellect. The concept of fake it till you make it didn’t work for me. I faked the confidence I didn’t have but got nothing.

I lost something when I made that decision. I was no longer concerned with trying to attract girls. Whenever a pretty girl is in the vicinity I either turn away or leave the place altogether. I cannot bear the feelings of inferiority I get. I don’t bother to initiate contact with any girl. If I do have to interact with a girl for work purposes I keep it strictly professional. I discuss only work and avoid casual talk in the most respectful way possible but still come off as a jerk. But I don’t even care anymore.

I have learnt one thing. You need to have money to get a pretty girl. That is the harsh truth. I have never had a girlfriend. Don’t know what the fresia a relationship means. As far as physical intimacy is concerned, I have considered paid companionship for a long a time.

this was a well written summary of your life, thank you for sharing, and I am sorry you are going trough this