I need more self-esteeme around new people

[vansxious]

This is the deal:

I'm 28, live by myself, got a house, a car, a job, a couple of hobbies, a couple of friends. I laugh a lot, i listen to music, i'm apparently a normal guy. But...

I'm having a hard time everytime i'm around new people, man or girl. I feel like i'm not good enough, comparatively to the others. I feel unconfortable in that situation, i don't know what to say because every single time i say something, i think things like "that's stupid, i shouldn't have said that" or "what are they thinking about me? Better if i just shut up". But the weird thing is, i never said nothing bad or rude! This happens during normal conversation! Then, i'm starting to find out that my hair is not as good as the other person, or some other things that shouldn't matter, really, but somehow they do. And those kind of things don't happen when i'm with my old friends. It just happens around new people... i think my problem is that i'm trying so much to have some new friends that i find myself spotting my looks, and every single word or movement of mine (and i don't look that bad, and i know how to speak! I've worked as a radio DJ!) and often realising that i'm better alone. I know that is not right. I know that all this behavior is... ********. People should like other people based on what they are, as they are, but somehow i'm trapped on this spiral of self-analysis and lack of self-esteem.

And almost every day ends the same way: me, home alone, thinking: oh, this is it. This is the only way for me to being confortable and happy.

But it isn't.

 

[Tiina63]

It's horrible, isn't it, when you are always worried about what you have said, how you came across, etc. People will tell you that everyone is too busy worrying about themselves and the impression they are making to pay all that much attention to you, but this doesn't really help. I think you are right when you say that it is down to your lack of self esteem when it comes to making new friends. Everything takes on so much more importance when there is more at stake. At least you do have old friends who you can relax with, so you are not starting completely from scratch.
Sometimes I think I should just not talk when I meet people so that they can't judge what I say, but then I think that, if I do this, I will never get to know any new people. I'm not sure how to help you other than to say that I am in the same boat and can understand your frustration only too well.

 

[Ak5]

I overthink when I talk as well. It's very common actually.

If you say something wrong, then correct it when talking to the person. It's a habit, keep doing it until you get it.

 

[vansxious]

It's horrible, isn't it, when you are always worried about what you have said, how you came across, etc. People will tell you that everyone is too busy worrying about themselves and the impression they are making to pay all that much attention to you, but this doesn't really help. I think you are right when you say that it is down to your lack of self esteem when it comes to making new friends. Everything takes on so much more importance when there is more at stake. At least you do have old friends who you can relax with, so you are not starting completely from scratch.
Sometimes I think I should just not talk when I meet people so that they can't judge what I say, but then I think that, if I do this, I will never get to know any new people. I'm not sure how to help you other than to say that I am in the same boat and can understand your frustration only too well.

Thanks Tiina. It's good to know that i'm not alone on this. It's good to know that its not that weird this thoughts i'm having. It helps, really.

Ak5 thanks for your comment too! I think i usually don't say nothing wrong, but i find myself overthinking when i talk, and then i start to stutter a bit, it's annoying...

It happened again tonight.

 

[Tiina63]

Hi, I'm glad that you found my remarks helpful. Any time you need to talk about the issue or to offload, you will find support here.

 

[The Pariah]

I'm very similar man. I try and get to know people who like the same stuff as myself, but then I look at them and see what I wish I could be, which then comes back into my mind as I'm not good enough and that they will never take me seriously as a person because I don't fit the mould. I clam up, not wanting to say anything which could be taken as stupid, which means no one actually gets to know me because I don't say anything.

Weirdly, I'm fine around people at work, possibly because the focus is on the job and conversation or banter is just a secondary that happens and has no consequence.