I realized something....I seek approval from others

[HappyYogi]

OMG I realized something. And I am embarrassed to realize this so late in life (I am in my 40's). The realization came after a posting on this site, Luna's post.

I realized that I seek approval from others. Not only that but I seek approval from others who I don't even admire that much at all. In fact, I am not sure if I like them that much. I want them to LIKE me, though.

Why?

I mean we all seek some kind of social approval but why do I seek it from those in my social group who are not so great? For instance...one is an older middle aged lady...she is bitchy, has no charm, can be obnoxious. Another is a 50 year old gal...her whole life revolves around politics, she has little sense of humor or perspective, is intolerant of others with a different point of view....yet, yet, I really want her to like me even though I think she is just so so and I don't necessarily have a great time with her. There are others...another is just kind of boring, not very warm. ALL of them are like not very dimensional when I think of it. Which is not a crime, of course, but it is a factor. My bf, by the way, says I am very dimensional.

I had an aunt who abandoned me in the last three years. It really hurt as we communicated everyday and had a lot in common. I thought it was awful she did that without even tellling me why. It was so disrespectful and rude. But as I thought about I realized that, and I am not just saying this to make myself feel better, but she really is just not nice. It's the truth. She is fault finding, she is an invalidator, she can be rude, she is bitter. She is not particularly understanding or accepting as I am. Not even close. She is sort of negative. And I certainly don't get any enjoyment in invalidating others as she does. So I wondered, why did I get so upset knowing this?

Just writing the truth about this stuff makes me feel better.

I know part of the reason I seek approval is my mother was a pretty cold mother. I loved her but she was cold. She barely ever affirmed me, anything positive. I know that is part of the reason I am the way I am, low self-esteem, etc.

Now I actually do not like living thinking of people's bad traits. I don't like that habit or personality trait. I want to be the type of person to see the good in others, accept them, appreciate them for who they are but I wonder if this attitude is hurting me because they are not treating me in the same way at all. They don't come to me with that loving attitude.

If they are not particularly loving to me, and don't go out of their way for me, what is the healthy appropriate attitude for me to take? I dont' want to dislike/hate them for it but I don't want to see them as angels/perfect people, because they clearly are more than imperfect.

While I like being a warm person who makes others feel special...they are not doing it for me....so I've consciously decided to be cooler to them. I don't like it but I don't think it's healthy to give and give and give to others who won't give back in the same way.

I wonder if this has been a part of my problem. Others sense I am seeking approval, without asking more of them or having any standards of myself, and it's a turn off. I wonder if I give them off.

Anyways, back to the original post...do you guys find yourselves seeking approval from others, even when they are not all that great?

This is quite a realization to me. Truly.

 

[Todd]

Yeah, I was a approval seeker. I read some books to help me gain my confidence and I decided to think 'who cares what people think' Why should I care what someone else thinks of me? I am human and they are human. I have to survive and do the best that I can on this earth to the best of my abilities. If someone doesn't like me for who I am or judges me, then I wish them well, happy blessings and have a nice life.

 

[Tiina63]

Yes, I have been a people pleaser all my life and it has got me into some very painful situations. I'm in therapy at present (yet again) and am hoping to solve the problem once and for all.

 

[HappyYogi]

I know why I do it. It's pretty obvious. I don't want to be rejected, even by people I don't really like if I really think about it. Plus, when I feel I could use more friends/connections, I don't want any to go to waste.

But untrue "friends" are not worth it. Why should I care? I don't get much out of them. Very little satisfaction. In fact, sometimes with their strong personalities they actually are annoying or tedious.

I'd rather wait, be patient for true friends, then spend mental/emotional energy trying to please the fake ones. Even if it means feeling lonely.

I am glad I came to this realization.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I honestly don't understand why people seek approval from anyone. It doesn't really matter if someone doesn't approve of you. It's not their life, and they need to worry about their own life. Rejection is a part of life. It's natural, and it's very common. It's nothing that bad that you can't brush it off and start again. You can't expect to get everything you want in life exactly when you want.

 

[HappyYogi]

Vanilla Creme,

We are of different personalities/make ups/needs.

This is good you don't have this issue. Kudos to you!

But please remember, for some of us it IS hard. I know rejection is a part of life and I definitely know I can't get everything in life, but still it doesn't feel good. But I also know it probably wouldn't be so painful if I had had a positive upbringing with my mother affirming good things about me. For whatever reason, she did not. That is very hard on a child and it effects ones psyche until adulthood and beyond.

So while for you it's easy to "brush off" and start again, for me, it like tips off the tip of an iceburg of pain. So it is not so easy. Please try to understand this. That is why we are on these boards. Just being told to snap out of it, doesn't help.

I honestly don't understand why people seek approval from anyone. It doesn't really matter if someone doesn't approve of you. It's not their life, and they need to worry about their own life. Rejection is a part of life. It's natural, and it's very common. It's nothing that bad that you can't brush it off and start again. You can't expect to get everything you want in life exactly when you want.

 

[goldenrod]

I think that most people need at least a little approval from others, and that this is a natural thing. We are for the most part social animals, and if a person isn't getting any approval it's normal to wonder if there is something wrong with us. Trying to get blood from a stone, however, is very difficult.

Like your mother, my mother was a cold person too. I don't remember her ever saying a kind or loving word to me (she is now deceased and it is too late). If you have had a cold parent it's really hard to fight the urge to prove yourself that yes, you CAN get approval from people who are as distant and cold as your own mother -- you can get blood from a stone. I don't know if that is the case with you, but it was with me, and I had to fight like heck to get out of that place.

I know what you mean about putting up an emotional boundary but not wanting to think badly about people. I strive for "neutral" meaning that I frame it to myself in neutral terms. For example, there is a neighbor who I have done a couple huge favors for, but she still snubs me when she doesn't want something from me. Ok, I recognize that she is an ungrateful loudmouth (she really IS, her voice could cut glass if she wanted, and she has turned on others who do her favors). But I don't want to have a bad attitude about her. So, I frame it to myself that we all have things to learn in life, and she has never learned the lesson of gratitude, but that doesn't make her a bad person, she just doesn't know.

I don't know if my example will help you, but I wanted to say that you aren't alone. It's hard to stop trying to get people's approval, it's almost like a subconscious reflex -- plus the fact that if people approve of you, they are less likely to give you grief.

 

[Badjedidude]

For the most part I couldn't give two ***** less what others think about me.

If I spent all my time worrying about conforming to others' opinions of me then I'd never get my own **** done.

SO **** THAT.

Just live your life and do the things you want to do.

Life is too short to waste it spending all your time focusing on others' happiness.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I understand that, Yogi. Believe me, there's been some times where I just want to give in and give up, because people will do whatever they can to bring you down. But you shouldn't let that get you down. People can only do to you what you allow them to do to you.

 

[Ak5]

Before I lost weight and gained muscle I sought approval from others.

Once I changed the way I feel and look about myself, I stopped seeking approval. Now I feel better to talk to others.

 

[Lollipop286]

I think it's natural to seek approval of others sadly. I don't know the best way to succeed but I do know the best way to fail is trying to please everyone.

 

[JamaisVu]

In my view such situations aren't rejection exactly. I often meet people that I like in the sense that I think they're well-meaning people with multiple good qualities, but we just don't really "click" enough that I desire close friendship. It's not always a case of disapproval, it's more like "They're nice, intelligent, and also highly extroverted and thrill-seeking. I like them, but a boisterous extrovert who likes skydiving is just not an ideal friend for a mellow introvert who's terrified of heights." It sounds odd, but I don't really want everyone to like me too much. I don't want people to hate me or dislike me, but I don't want them to desire my friendship if we're just not really compatible. It would drive me crazy to be popular, I wouldn't handle it well at all.

It bothers me and disappoints me if someone that I really like finds me uninteresting when I think we have the potential to become close friends. Maybe they just don't "get" me, or maybe they do get me but don't like me, or maybe they think I'm likeable enough but their heart just isn't in it for some reason. I try not to take it too personally. If I feel that there's something specific that they dislike about me, I'll examine that aspect of myself and see if it's something that could or should be improved.

 

[IgnoredOne]

In some fashion or another, we all do. I mostly limit the people who I give a damn about to a much smaller inner circle.

 

[oopsiedoop]

I wrote my own post on needing approval and didn't see there was one! In fact approval has become a big theme in all my posts and I too have not really been aware of it as such till now. I knew I was lonely and yet just didn't call the connection I was needing "approval" because that does seem so shallow but the need for positive, loving, close, nurturing connection is not. The thing is I rarely get to the point where I become aware that the person criticizing or ignoring me is full of sh* because I just don't have enough approval from anyone. Then, even if I do realize they're full of sh* I generally think "Why do I run across people like that?" instead of getting the approval I really want.

 

[HappyYogi]

Ooopsie....I can relate. Because I felt so little worth I always always blamed myself for EVERYTHING that didn't go well in a friendship. I never really questioned the person and/or their actions. Until way into adult life, middle age. Only now am I cautiously observant of someone's character. People have told me a lot of &*it, too. Not being honest with me, telling me it's all in my head. It was only recently, in my 40's, that I finally had enough confidence to say "hey! That is not true! You aren't being honest with me!" Took me forever to stop giving them all the credit and give myself none.

 

[oopsiedoop]

Ahh why is it so hard. I'm a giver. I have one friend who's a giver. He's let me down a few times, but by giver I don't mean slave so it hasn't changed the fact that he's a giver all the time. I can't say this about anyone else I know. If they are, they for some reason don't see me that way, or else have some other problem with me, or have enough friends, or maybe we don't have enough of the same interests to notice each other -- I don't know!! I do know givers are the minority though. Or, maybe they channel their giving into their work, and I never found a way to do that -- because I never had that sense of approval.